Father with Drinking Problem

[Tammy141]

Love Shack folks, I am in need of some advice. This is a long post ahead and potential trigger warning…

I am in my early 30s and an only child. My dad has always been very difficult to be around. As a kid, he was very demanding and controlling when it came to sports and social scenes. He has a short temper and was verbally abusive towards me and my mom. As I got older, he was nice when he didn’t drink, but when he drank, he was very mean and/or embarrassing. He would be mean to anyone around him, when he drank, wait staff, bystanders, anything. Now, he is super nice when he doesn’t drink, but when he does, he just has way too much and usually starts yelling at my mom or me. I have tried to get it on camera to show him the next day of the terrible things he says and does, but never really can seem to and of course, he never remembers. You have to avoid certain subjects with him, as one wrong word will set him off and once that happens, you’re screwed. 

I also feel angry towards my mom for never having left him. She complains to me always and yet never does anything. She says it’s because she doesn’t have the money to get her own place and I can’t help with that, either, unfortunately. I also feel upset, because I feel she has subjected me to this by never leaving him, and in many ways, I know I’m affected by it mentally.

He is a functioning alcoholic and very successful in his work, so he has money, but has made my mom pay for everything for me, when she was working. He doesn’t drink before work, he just comes home and has tons to drink. He isn’t physically abusive, just scary. Anyways, he always is awful at Christmas time with this all. My mom said she told him to be on his best behavior, since I’d be coming home for the holidays and sure enough, he got hammered tonight. I invited him to go with me and my mom to dinner and I think he already had a few drinks when he showed up. He got belligerent and started putting her down. My mom and I usually go off and do our own thing, which makes my dad feel not included, but whenever we do invite him, he acts up, gets hammered, and causes a scene. I’m writing this feeling stressed and hoping that he just passes out. My mom is annoyed and angry, and I’m just like what do you expect?! Nothing changes. Each time he acts up, she says she’ll leave and get an apartment, and I encourage her and support her in that, and she never does. 

I did say that I wouldn’t come home for the holidays, which makes me sad, because I want to be around family and friends. But I just can’t keep doing this every single year. It’s so toxic. I can go to my grandma’s apartment, so maybe I should just go there for the time being and my dog too. I don’t want to cut my time here short, as I’m supposed to be here till next weekend. So, what do I do? I talk to him all the time about this, he just doesn’t listen and that’s how alcoholics are. Do I just tell him that I won’t be around him anymore when he drinks? Then that upsets my mom with me not coming home, so just grin and bear it all the time? Ah I just don’t know. Anyway, I’d love your feedback at this current time and your advice for the future. Sorry for the long post, hopefully I listed out everything. 

 

Edited December 24, 2022 by Tammy141

[basil67]

I'm so sorry to hear you were in this situation.  But you've done the right thing for yourself and by extension, your family.  While nobody has the courage to stand up and say "ENOUGH!", it's going to keep happening.   

Now that you've drawn a line in the sand, it's OK to tell your mom that you are no longer willing to subject yourself to his behaviour.  She's going to be sad, but it may also be a catalyst for her doing something about it.   Have you looked at all possible ways for her to be able to get her own place?  Are there any assets which would be divided in the case of a divorce?  Does she work? Can she work?  Pension? Alimony?  Does anyone have a spare room where she could stay while she gets it all sorted out?  

[Tammy141]

47 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm so sorry to hear you were in this situation.  But you've done the right thing for yourself and by extension, your family.  While nobody has the courage to stand up and say "ENOUGH!", it's going to keep happening.   

Now that you've drawn a line in the sand, it's OK to tell your mom that you are no longer willing to subject yourself to his behaviour.  She's going to be sad, but it may also be a catalyst for her doing something about it.   Have you looked at all possible ways for her to be able to get her own place?  Are there any assets which would be divided in the case of a divorce?  Does she work? Can she work?  Pension? Alimony?  Does anyone have a spare room where she could stay while she gets it all sorted out?  

Thank you very much, Basil67. You’re always so thoughtful on your responses. I agree with you, someone needs to finally say “Enough.” 
 

That’s what I don’t get. She has mentioned getting a divorce many times and I don’t know why she hasn’t pursued it, she would get a lot from it in return. I’m not sure if he’s threatened her in the past or said something to not make her even try. She could share a place with a friend or something, there are so many options, that’s why it’s also frustrating to watch. She’s a really nice person, it’s sad she can’t get away and be happy as she keeps getting older. 

[ShyViolet]

Oh I relate to this so much.  I am an only child and I too have a very toxic father who has a history of being very verbally abusive.  You absolutely need to stop coming home for the holidays.  This has been going on for a long time and it's obvious that you can't change him.  All you are doing is allowing him to continue to subject you to abuse.  Enough is enough.  You need to let him know, and your mom as well, that you are no longer tolerating this.  And the way to do that is to say you are not coming home anymore.  

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. All you can do is take care of yourself and not take sides or expect your mother to do what she's not ready for.

The best place to start for information, support and coping may be Al-Anon.

It's for people who have problem drinkers in their lives. Perhaps invite your mother to join you. Focus on not carrying on the dysfunction by being upset at your mother because of her inertia with your father. 

Therapy as well could help you with boundaries, coping and managing this.

[FMW]

Wiseman2's idea of Al-anon might be very helpful for you in coming to terms with your anger with both of your parents.  It might give you some insight into your mother's inaction and allow you to forgive her for her weakness that allowed you to be subjected to his behavior.  You could then also obtain flyers/brochures to give to your mother even if she wouldn't be willing to join you at a meeting. Change can be slow, but starts with small steps. 

[glows]

Distance yourself. You don’t have to take on the guilt of not being there for Christmas. Stay with your grandmother if you prefer. 

Work on that anger or it’ll eat you up inside. You won’t be able to help anyone else if you’re still angry and affected by this. Your mother sounds capable of leaving. She just doesn’t know there’s another way to live and is rooted in this pattern living with him. Is your grandmother in the area her mother?

[S2B]

Seek professional help. Keep going once a week until you feel you’ve made choices that change this situation for yourself. That would include NOT being around him at all after he finishes work.

why would you suggest dinner plans knowing he drinks heavily at night? 

he is gonna drunk - that’s what he does. Either see him earlier in the day or don’t see him at all. Invite only your Mom out next time / for dinner. 

[Tammy141]

12 hours ago, glows said:

Distance yourself. You don’t have to take on the guilt of not being there for Christmas. Stay with your grandmother if you prefer. 

Work on that anger or it’ll eat you up inside. You won’t be able to help anyone else if you’re still angry and affected by this. Your mother sounds capable of leaving. She just doesn’t know there’s another way to live and is rooted in this pattern living with him. Is your grandmother in the area her mother?

Thank you. I ended up leaving to my grandmas tonight. His apology was that he is on high blood meds and they make him whacky. That made my blood boil because he always uses an excuse and never says sorry and could seriously hurt someone by trying to drive drunk, it’s not responsible. Then he acts nice for a few days and it all starts again. So, I grabbed a few things and just came to my grandmas. My mom said to me that I don’t have to come to Christmas tmrw then. And that upset me even more. How dare she say that to me after she knows how much this affects me! Anyway, thanks for the support. I’m going to go to an Al-anon meeting when I get home. Anyway, she started sobbing and I felt bad because it’s Christmas Eve, but he ruins every Christmas, every birthday, my high school graduation, Mother’s Day, all memories I have of him are bad. I need to do what’s right, so I left. 

Edited December 25, 2022 by Tammy141

[Tammy141]

10 hours ago, S2B said:

Seek professional help. Keep going once a week until you feel you’ve made choices that change this situation for yourself. That would include NOT being around him at all after he finishes work.

why would you suggest dinner plans knowing he drinks heavily at night? 

he is gonna drunk - that’s what he does. Either see him earlier in the day or don’t see him at all. Invite only your Mom out next time / for dinner. 

Hi S2B, I know. You’re right. It was dumb to invite him. I felt bad because it’s Christmas and not including him in things. On the plus side, he’d get drunk anyway probably in a few days, so at least we got it over with early on?

I just came to my grandmas. I’m going to go to an Al-anon meeting when I get home. His apology was that he is on high blood meds and they make him whacky. That made my blood boil because he always uses an excuse and never says sorry and he could hurt someone trying to drive drunk and that’s not responsible. So, I grabbed a few things and just came to my grandmas. My mom said to me that I don’t have to come to Christmas tmrw then. And that upset me even more. How dare she say that when I’ve had all these years of this and am trying to show him that I won’t be around when he drinks.  Anyway, she started sobbing and I felt bad because it’s Christmas Eve, but he ruins every Christmas, every birthday, my high school graduation, Mother’s Day, all memories I have of him are bad. I need to do what’s right, so I left. 

Edited December 25, 2022 by Tammy141

[Tammy141]

13 hours ago, FMW said:

Wiseman2's idea of Al-anon might be very helpful for you in coming to terms with your anger with both of your parents.  It might give you some insight into your mother's inaction and allow you to forgive her for her weakness that allowed you to be subjected to his behavior.  You could then also obtain flyers/brochures to give to your mother even if she wouldn't be willing to join you at a meeting. Change can be slow, but starts with small steps. 

Thanks FMW, you’re right. Al-anon is a great place to start, I’ll go there when I get home. 

[Tammy141]

16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. All you can do is take care of yourself and not take sides or expect your mother to do what she's not ready for.

The best place to start for information, support and coping may be Al-Anon.

It's for people who have problem drinkers in their lives. Perhaps invite your mother to join you. Focus on not carrying on the dysfunction by being upset at your mother because of her inertia with your father. 

Therapy as well could help you with boundaries, coping and managing this.

Thanks Wiseman2. I’m going to go to Al-anon when I get home. I ended up coming to my grandmas tonight. I felt bad bc it’s Christmas Eve, but that’s what’s right and I need to set boundaries.  

[Tammy141]

16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. All you can do is take care of yourself and not take sides or expect your mother to do what she's not ready for.

The best place to start for information, support and coping may be Al-Anon.

It's for people who have problem drinkers in their lives. Perhaps invite your mother to join you. Focus on not carrying on the dysfunction by being upset at your mother because of her inertia with your father. 

Therapy as well could help you with boundaries, coping and managing this.

 

21 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Oh I relate to this so much.  I am an only child and I too have a very toxic father who has a history of being very verbally abusive.  You absolutely need to stop coming home for the holidays.  This has been going on for a long time and it's obvious that you can't change him.  All you are doing is allowing him to continue to subject you to abuse.  Enough is enough.  You need to let him know, and your mom as well, that you are no longer tolerating this.  And the way to do that is to say you are not coming home anymore.  

Thanks ShyViolet. I just left to my grandmas. My mom started crying, but I need to show I don’t tolerate it anymore. 

[S2B]

On 12/24/2022 at 7:19 PM, Tammy141 said:

Hi S2B, I know. You’re right. It was dumb to invite him. I felt bad because it’s Christmas and not including him in things. On the plus side, he’d get drunk anyway probably in a few days, so at least we got it over with early on?

I just came to my grandmas. I’m going to go to an Al-anon meeting when I get home. His apology was that he is on high blood meds and they make him whacky. That made my blood boil because he always uses an excuse and never says sorry and he could hurt someone trying to drive drunk and that’s not responsible. So, I grabbed a few things and just came to my grandmas. My mom said to me that I don’t have to come to Christmas tmrw then. And that upset me even more. How dare she say that when I’ve had all these years of this and am trying to show him that I won’t be around when he drinks.  Anyway, she started sobbing and I felt bad because it’s Christmas Eve, but he ruins every Christmas, every birthday, my high school graduation, Mother’s Day, all memories I have of him are bad. I need to do what’s right, so I left. 

You know, you need to do what’s best for yourself! And since your Mom is the perfect enabler for your Dad - you can’t include her either! Your Mom also makes it “ok” for your Dad’s unacceptable behavior. That would make me upset too!

it’s a hard lesson to learn and adjust to - but you can start your own “new” holiday/celebrations - by gathering people in your life that are solid and steady friends/family.

then you just begin by letting your Mom and Dad know that you’ve made “other plans”.

that is how you help yourself! You know HE won’t change. You know your Mom won’t change. So it is YOU that must change in order to have a new and improved outcome.

it will be odd at first - but you may get to a point where you start looking forward to a gathering without all his crap and drama.

Just learn to turn down ANY invitation your parents extend. Drop by once in a while for ten minutes only.

I hope you will. 

[S2B]

On 12/23/2022 at 7:56 PM, Tammy141 said:

Thank you very much, Basil67. You’re always so thoughtful on your responses. I agree with you, someone needs to finally say “Enough.” 
 

That’s what I don’t get. She has mentioned getting a divorce many times and I don’t know why she hasn’t pursued it, she would get a lot from it in return. I’m not sure if he’s threatened her in the past or said something to not make her even try. She could share a place with a friend or something, there are so many options, that’s why it’s also frustrating to watch. She’s a really nice person, it’s sad she can’t get away and be happy as she keeps getting older. 

Does your Mom work? Can she support herself? Or does she rely on your Dad’s income?