What the heck was this?

[glows]

That’s fine if he’s gone to school, has a job and has a good relationship with his family. You’re looking for traits of someone stable and able to form longer lasting relationships with the people who matter to them in their life. Unfortunately there were just too many incompatibilities. He might have been good company for some time but not meant to last.

[Lookingforlasting]

40 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

I wasn’t talking about this man specifically- only as he was part of your particular pattern of choosing unavailable, incompatible men. In your own words,  almost every man you’ve met doesn’t have his crap together. What is it in you that attracts you to these men? Clearly there are lots of well adjusted, commitment minded men in the world. Why aren’t you choosing them?

Please help me locate them. The ones I've met if they have their financial s*** together then I find out theres already a woman in the picture. Ive been hit on by so many married men or already had a gf...it was so discouraging and frustrating. Now I'm rather terrified to meet anyone new.

Edited December 27, 2022 by Lookingforlasting

[Beachead]

@Lookingforlasting

The only error I feel you made was jumping the gun and going off about men, to him.   It's a sign you need a break.   Goes without saying that a few men don't represent everybody out there, but if you feel it's hard to process that idea because of the damage you've incurred, then you may need to take a a long break and recuperate, as dating can be exhausting and the world can be very unforgiving.  You can't participate while fractured.  You need full strength so take care of yourself first.   Going forward, when you feel something like that, vent to a friend or a family member or if you don't have that, journal it.  Writing is a pretty underrated tool.  You can let that anger out, onto the page,  the way you want, and not have to worry about what someone might think and that's important to help you release, process and move past. 

Apart from that, I don't think you really made any other errors.  You met a guy you thought was worth taking a chance on, and you took a chance on him.  You took a chance because it meant something to you and you had hope.  It turned out like this.  Sometimes you can do everything right and things may not go your way; unfortunately a characteristic of life.

 

Edited December 27, 2022 by MisterFeather

[Lookingforlasting]

11 minutes ago, MisterFeather said:

@Lookingforlasting

The only error I feel you made was jumping the gun and going off about men, to him.   It's a sign you need a break.   Goes without saying that a few men don't represent everybody out there, but if you feel it's hard to process that idea because of the damage you've incurred, then you may need to take a a long break and recuperate, as dating can be exhausting and the world can be very unforgiving.  You can't participate while fractured.  You need full strength so take care of yourself first.   Going forward, when you feel something like that, vent to a friend or a family member or if you don't have that, journal it.  Writing is a pretty underrated tool.  You can let that anger out, onto the page,  the way you want, and not have to worry about what someone might think and that's important to help you release, process and move past. 

Apart from that, I don't think you really made any other errors.  You met a guy you thought was worth taking a chance on, and you took a chance on him.  You took a chance because it meant something to you and you had hope.  It turned out like this.  Sometimes you can do everything right and things may not go your way; unfortunately a characteristic of life.

 

Yes but he lied before even meeting otherwise I would not have even wasted my time....and btw when I've told him he wasted my time these are his responses: 

"Wasted your time???Again a victim. Do you have no shame in saying that? So basically u mean all was good only for me? There was nothing else in my life except you so think twice before saying anything"... (Gee thanks...I thought he enjoyed spending every weekend with me and thought it kind of odd he rarely saw friends but I thought he's the kind of guy who just likes being with the woman he's dating and our tennis playing and weekend getaways)

"You wasted your time???? Good luck with that childish terminology and needs."....

"I gained nothing physically, financially or mentally!"

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Lookingforlasting said:

Please help me locate them. The ones I've met if they have their financial s*** together then I find out theres already a woman in the picture. Ive been hit on by so many married men or already had a gf...it was so discouraging and frustrating. Now I'm rather terrified to meet anyone new.

Have you tried quality dating apps?  At least you can put an age range and request no married or unavailable men.  That would help.  Every woman gets hit on by MM and losers.  The smart ones bypass them and continue seeking quality men.

[BaileyB]

The smart ones bypass the MM and continue seeking quality men or, they just live their life as a single woman. Lots of women get tired of trying to make it work with incompatible men and decide to surround themselves with friends, family, work, hobbies, social groups, travel, etc… Nothing saying that you need a man in your life. At a certain point, maybe it’s best to just take a break - I would rather be single myself than fending off married men and trying to make it work with a man who is clearly as incompatible as this last guy… And then, if the right guy comes along, you are able to pursue that opportunity. It feels to me like you are trying to make wine out of water OP, and I would stop doing that if I was you. 

Edited December 27, 2022 by BaileyB

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, Lookingforlasting said:

Yes but he lied before even meeting otherwise I would not have even wasted my time....and btw when I've told him he wasted my time these are his responses: 

"Wasted your time???Again a victim.

Sorry ... but I'm with the guy on this one.  You wasted your own time.  There were zero reasons that this would work out well out of the gate.  The age gap is massive and you already had issues with parts of his culture with your last attempt.  Just because he told you it would be "different" with him - you hadn't even met him.  And it should have stayed that way.

But you did.  The exchange after your first time of having sex was clue #2 that you needed to MOVE ON NOW:

Quote

 

I asked when I could see him again and he said "We can meet some weekend".  I was disappointed with the answer bcuz I feel when a man is really interested he wants to see you again soon so I told him I was going to move on and look for someone else

 

Wrong, wrong, wrong.  First - I have no problem with you asking him when you could see him again, but surely you noticed that HE didn't ask YOU that.  And when you got the answer you didn't like, you lashed out with a completely inappropriate response.  He didn't need to know that you were going to look for someone else.  You needed to simply go ahead and move on, with the information that you had.  Instead you put this pressure on him and it apparently "worked" for you - for the short term.  He stuck around because you were hard to lose, but the whole time he was clearly not "all in."

I looked at your posting history and it seems like this type of dynamic is "normal" for you, even to the point where you were seeing a guy who was 16 years younger than you, with whom you had a lot of fighting and conflicts when you were not even really together.

So don't do stuff like this any more. 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Lookingforlasting said:

Again a victim.

Not sure about the rest, but there definitely is a victim mentality in your posts. Own your choices. A man from a country with a significantly different culture than your own that is 17 years younger isn’t a good choice. Own that. It was a mistake. That’s how you stop feeling like a victim. I’ve asked before and you don’t answer - why are you attracted to these men? 
 

Also from what he’s saying, I’m guessing his version of the events are quite different than yours. We are only hearing your side of by he story here. If he was posting I’m guessing we would hear a much different story.

[BaileyB]

I agree, you chose to be in a relationship with a man who was clearly not very compatible with you - certainly not one with whom I would realistically see a long term future. I think you wasted your own time here too. What’s more, you blame him for lying to you about his plan/intentions when in truth, I feel like you chose to invest in a poor bet. It didn’t pay out - rather than blame him, I think it would serve you better to examine your own decisions here.

Edited December 27, 2022 by BaileyB

[Beachead]

@Lookingforlasting

Quote

Yes but he lied before even meeting otherwise I would not have even wasted my time...

Nothing's a waste OP.  You can always learn from an experience.  Whether it's a mistake you made, an experience you've gained, or insight into yourself on how you want to move forward from it..there is always something to learn.    If a multitude of bad experiences helps you realize you don't want to date anymore, and would rather focus on yourself and your loved ones, and you end up better for that, then it turns out all these bad experiences did amount to something good, correct?  And that's no waste.

If you see this as a waste, then it will be, not because it actually is a waste, but because you're choosing to close your mind off from an opportunity to learn.

And yes, he did lie and that was weak, but you still chose to do long distance with him knowing he lied. You did that because at that time, you felt that was the best decision for you.  There isn't any version of you in this known reality, that would have decided differently and that means, this was always going to be the outcome.  The difference now is you've realized it.

Who did what to whom doesn't matter anymore.  He's gone.  Those past people who hurt you are gone.   You're here.  How you plan to move forward, with this added experience in your life, is all you need to be concentrating on. 

 

 

Edited December 27, 2022 by MisterFeather

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, Lookingforlasting said:

Yes but he lied before even meeting otherwise I would not have even wasted my time....and btw when I've told him he wasted my time these are his responses: 

"Wasted your time???Again a victim. Do you have no shame in saying that? So basically u mean all was good only for me? There was nothing else in my life except you so think twice before saying anything"... (Gee thanks...I thought he enjoyed spending every weekend with me and thought it kind of odd he rarely saw friends but I thought he's the kind of guy who just likes being with the woman he's dating and our tennis playing and weekend getaways)

"You wasted your time???? Good luck with that childish terminology and needs."....

"I gained nothing physically, financially or mentally!"

Why would you tell him (or any man for that matter) that he "wasted your time"?  What purpose did that serve?  Did it make you feel better to insult him like this?

This is what I (and some others) meant by your negative energy attracting negative men.  Broken attracts broken, like attracts like.

Sure I have felt that way with a few men too, you know what I do?  I block and delete, NEXT!  Without saying one word.  I let it roll off and move the heck on.  I don't allow it to bring me down, I don't get angry and lash out telling them they "wasted my time."

Honestly, the thought never even occurred to me.   I took responsibility for my own choice(s).

Thus, I remained open and receptive to the next man I met.  And my open and positive attitude resulted in my meeting good men, NOT "scumbags" (your word) who "waste my time."

See how that works?  Your negative energy is creating the very thing you abhor -- meeting men who "waste your time."

It serves no good purpose to go telling a man he "wasted your time," just telling him that speaks way more about you than it does him and NOT in a good way.

Honestly, I mean no offense but you seriously need a break.  And a change in mindset and attitude.

You are pushing 50, if you don't do something, make some sort of change, I am sorry to say you will end up alone, I"m sorry.

 

Edited December 27, 2022 by poppyfields

[basil67]

5 hours ago, Lookingforlasting said:

......and btw when I've told him he wasted my time these are his responses: 

"Wasted your time???Again a victim. Do you have no shame in saying that? So basically u mean all was good only for me? There was nothing else in my life except you so think twice before saying anything"... (Gee thanks...I thought he enjoyed spending every weekend with me and thought it kind of odd he rarely saw friends but I thought he's the kind of guy who just likes being with the woman he's dating and our tennis playing and weekend getaways)

"You wasted your time???? Good luck with that childish terminology and needs."....

"I gained nothing physically, financially or mentally!"

These are all quite reasonable responses to what you said.   If you're going send a fast ball over the net, expect an equally fast one to come back at you. 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

I’ve asked before and you don’t answer - why are you attracted to these men? 

The same reason older men like much younger women - because they look good. 

[Lookingforlasting]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

The same reason older men like much younger women - because they look good. 

I did answer prior....I have no age discrimination regarding who I like and who I am attracted to.

[Lookingforlasting]

36 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Why would you tell him (or any man for that matter) that he "wasted your time"?  What purpose did that serve?  Did it make you feel better to insult him like this?

This is what I (and some others) meant by your negative energy attracting negative men.  Broken attracts broken, like attracts like.

Sure I have felt that way with a few men too, you know what I do?  I block and delete, NEXT!  Without saying one word.  I let it roll off and move the heck on.  I don't allow it to bring me down, I don't get angry and lash out telling them they "wasted my time."

Honestly, the thought never even occurred to me.   I took responsibility for my own choice(s).

Thus, I remained open and receptive to the next man I met.  And my open and positive attitude resulted in my meeting good men, NOT "scumbags" (your word) who "waste my time."

See how that works?  Your negative energy is creating the very thing you abhor -- meeting men who "waste your time."

It serves no good purpose to go telling a man he "wasted your time," just telling him that speaks way more about you than it does him and NOT in a good way.

Honestly, I mean no offense but you seriously need a break.  And a change in mindset and attitude.

You are pushing 50, if you don't do something, make some sort of change, I am sorry to say you will end up alone, I"m sorry.

 

Because he strongly had led me to believe we could have a real future together.

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, Lookingforlasting said:

I did answer prior....I have no age discrimination regarding who I like and who I am attracted to.

That's good; but how's that working out for you?

[NuevoYorko]

1 minute ago, Lookingforlasting said:

I did answer prior....I have no age discrimination regarding who I like and who I am attracted to.

That's fine, but if you are looking for a compatible long term partner, you will need to take all kinds of things into consideration including age.   You meet a guy online who is 29  and TELLS you he doesn't want kids, but clearly he's in a whole different place in life from where you are.  He can, and is probably likely to decide he wants kids after all at some point.   Extremely terrible risk, especially for an OLD contact.  If he were a friend you really knew well in your real life, I can see the two of you deciding that your attraction and compatibility would be worth taking on this risk.  A stranger from the Internet, who, furthermore, comes from a culture that you already had problems with in the past ... why??

The arranged marriage thing is a huge probable deal breaker too, by the way.  A young person who *thinks* they won't go that route is probably susceptible to a change of heart as they start getting the urge to settle down.  Cultural traditions and norms run deep.  

On top of that, a culture with arranged marriages also places a great value on having children.   I can't think of any exceptions.

[NuevoYorko]

8 minutes ago, Lookingforlasting said:

Because he strongly had led me to believe we could have a real future together.

No he didn't.  Whenever he tried to lead you a different direction you put the screws on him HARD.  He was just a pushover for you, until he finally had enough.

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, Lookingforlasting said:

Because he strongly had led me to believe we could have a real future together.

So what?  That's not the point.  The point is by you allowing it to affect you to the point you lashed out telling him he wasted your time, you added to your own negative energy which caused unnecessary drama and no doubt will impact your next relationship.

Like I said, I have had men lead me on as well, once I discover they are full of *, I typically say nothing and move on.  Block and delete.

Or I tell them dating them isn't working for me anymore and then block and delete.  Again, it serves no good purpose lashing out and causing this type of drama; you are only hurting YOURSELF by doing so.

It really is that simple and will save you lots of wasting your OWN time and energy and avoid bitterness and burn out as is happening now.

Edited December 27, 2022 by poppyfields

[basil67]

11 minutes ago, Lookingforlasting said:

I did answer prior....I have no age discrimination regarding who I like and who I am attracted to.

Age discrimination is not hiring someone for their job because of their age.   But choosing a partner who's in a similar life stage to us - and is therefore more likely to deliver successful relationship - is pragmatism. 

Sure, most of us can appreciate a hot younger person, but attraction and suitability are two different concepts. 

[Lookingforlasting]

13 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

No he didn't.  Whenever he tried to lead you a different direction you put the screws on him HARD.  He was just a pushover for you, until he finally had enough.

Not sure what you are referring to.  When he told me 6 months in he reversed his response and said that no he could never introduce me to his family because of our age difference I started to leave. Immediately followed it up with "it doesnt matter though...we can still live together someday...they don't need to know about it".  I also told him 3 times he could leave if he was unhappy....he opted to stay each time.

 

[Lookingforlasting]

18 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Age discrimination is not hiring someone for their job because of their age.   But choosing a partner who's in a similar life stage to us - and is therefore more likely to deliver successful relationship - is pragmatism. 

Sure, most of us can appreciate a hot younger person, but attraction and suitability are two different concepts. 

It  Actually had little to do with his appearance. I do find him attractive but what impressed me more was his intellect and character and traits I was not finding another men.  Also how easily and well we got along intellectually compatible. He recently mentioned these sane traits about me he had found attractive also. And hoe much fun we had together even doing simple things like food shopping or  laughing so hard we could bately breathe when we were trying to go to sleep at night.

Edited December 27, 2022 by Lookingforlasting

[poppyfields]

I think I mentioned this earlier and I think @Weezydid also, but I would love to hear HIS side of the story.   

There is a saying "there are three sides to any situation or story - their side, your side, and the third side which lies somewhere in between."

According to him, you bullied and manipulated him and based on his response after you told him he wasted your time, you were entitled and viewed yourself as a victim.

You don't see it that way, but here's the thing.  Right or wrong, this was HIS perception of you.  There is no arguing or refuting another person's perception once its formed.  Those were his feelings to which he was/is entitled, whether you agree or not.

If you care about the person and the relationship, you ask for examples and instances in your interactions that caused him to feel that way.

You communicate, discuss, attempt to resolve like mature adults in a relationship.

Or in your case, given all the information you've shared, you simply wish him well and walk away.  Block, delete.  Move on.

I am not going to judge or fault you for dating younger, apparently you relate better to such men, which might possibly suggest a bit of immaturity and growing up to do on your part.

17 years is a very large gap at your ages = 30 and 47?

 

 

 

Edited December 27, 2022 by poppyfields

[Lookingforlasting]

17 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I think I mentioned this earlier and I think @Weezydid also, but I would love to hear HIS side of the story.   

There is a saying "there are three sides to any situation or story - their side, your side, and the third side which lies somewhere in between."

According to him, you bullied and manipulated him and based on his response after you told him he wasted your time, you were entitled and viewed yourself as a victim.

You don't see it that way, but here's the thing.  Right or wrong, this was HIS perception of you.  There is no arguing or refuting another person's perception once its formed.  Those were his feelings to which he was/is entitled, whether you agree or not.

If you care about the person and the relationship, you ask for examples and instances in your interactions that caused him to feel that way.

You communicate, discuss, resolve like mature adults in a relationship.

Or in your case, given all the information you've shared, you simply wish him well and walk away.  Block, delete.  Move on.

I am not going to judge or fault you for dating younger, apparently you relate better to such men, which might possibly suggest a bit of immaturity and growing up to do on your part.

 

 

 

I did ask him for examples of instances.

And no I never said I relate better to younger men...he was in many ways older for his age though...his friends even often made fun of him for it. I have never sought out or initiated with a younger guy btw and actually never would have believed if someone told me 20 years ago I would date some...but yes he is also the last younger guy I will ever date.

Edited December 27, 2022 by Lookingforlasting

[NuevoYorko]

21 minutes ago, Lookingforlasting said:

Not sure what you are referring to.  When he told me 6 months in he reversed his response and said that no he could never introduce me to his family because of our age difference I started to leave. Immediately followed it up with "it doesnt matter though...we can still live together someday...they don't need to know about it".  I also told him 3 times he could leave if he was unhappy....he opted to stay each time.

 

Those are all examples of you manipulating him.   Granted, he is fully responsible for his own choices.  So are you.  So for your side of it, from the start he gave you very clear information that the two of you were not going to be a realistic match (starting with the age gap and his cultural background, which didn't even have anything to do with his "feelings") and you decided keep pushing forward.

That's not how any successful relationships develop.