Getting attention from a guy and not sure what to do with it

[Free Butterfly]

A guy is expressing an interest in me. I've known him for a while as he works in a shop I frequently go to. I believe he must be 10-15 older than me. Now, I don't have much a problem with age difference, because I naturally find it easier to connect with people older than me. I've been through a lot in life and I am only 33. I experienced long lasting trauma at home, then by some so-called friends and lastly by my ex-husband.

He invited me for a coffee, which I postponed a couple of times. Few days ago I finally made it. After coffee he took me somewhere to watch a view. He said that he knows what I like as he saw my social media photos. He kissed me in his car and told me he likes me. I was shocked and didn't know how to react. He said that he likes me because I'm funny and real.

The problem is that following an experience with a narcissist I don't know what to think. I can not distinguish love bombing from real affection. I'm so afraid to fall in this trap again. He knows that I'm divorced and I told him that I'm single because this way no one can hurt you.

I wanted real love and affection for so long but now I have a feeling I'm fighting something. I don't even want to think about it. I'm blocking it from my mind and I don't know why. I did seek help after the abuse and I'm still healing. My therapist even encouraged me to go out and meet people because I've been isolating myself for more than a year.

I don't know what to do. He texts me, I text back, but there is no heavy texting. I think about him but at the same time I'm afraid of this feeling.

What would you do?

[glows]

Continue getting to know him at a reasonable pace. I think you’re trying to read into this too early. You’ve only been on one date. I wouldn’t think there’s any real or deep affection at all at this time. He’s attracted and that’s it. Keep seeing your therapist for the added support and feedback. 

[NuevoYorko]

What I would do is go to counseling and try to work through some of your past traumas before thinking about dating anyone.  You really aren't ready and open for a relationship and anything that you get involved with now will be damaged by all the things you are carrying into it from your past.   

You CAN deal with these things in ways that will help you, but I really believe it takes getting some professional guidance.

 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Free Butterfly said:

 I can not distinguish love bombing from real affection. I'm so afraid to fall in this trap again. 

Just pace yourself and take your time.  That's the best way to keep your head about you, yet not shut down socially out of fear.

[BaileyB]

I too would suggest that you return to counselling, there is more work to do now that you are “dating” again.

What I’m struggling to understand is your anxiety around this man “showing his interest.” YOU are in control here. He can ask you out and if you don’t want to see him, you say no. If he does something that makes you feel uncomfortable, you tell him and you walk away. But personally, I would suggest that you continue to see him but tell him that you want to go slow. Remember, you have control here, good luck. 

 

[basil67]

I suggest you drop labels like 'narcissist' and 'love bombing' and simply look at a person's behaviour.  

When it comes to "love bombing" vs "real affection", in an early connection such as this, it's far more likely that he's doing neither and is simply hot for you.  Thing is, when we meet someone really like, all those hormones and adrenaline surge through our bodies and can make one feel as though they are in love.   This guy doesn't truly know you, so it can't be real affection.  But nor is it necessarily a behaviour to pathologise.  It's just him getting horny because of all the feel good hormones. 

If you're comfortable, run with it.  If you're not comfortable, tell him to slow down....or walk away.   Enjoy it if you want, but remind yourself that it's early days and there are no guarantees that it will last. 

[smackie9]

I agree if you are feeling this is too fast and really don't understand his intensions, then slow things down. It's good you are being aware. Just observe and direct him by telling him to slow it down. Keep meeting out in public, do activities, talk, etc. Don't invite or go to anyone's home, not until you know for sure you are ready. Also don't let this stop you from dating others. 

If he is persistent and doesn't respectfully slow things down, kick him to the curb.