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My committed boyfriend is planning to meet a woman for a first date this afternoon.


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howwouldiknownow22

I have had a rough time with my long distance boyfriend who has a history of cheating on his ex wife. He told me he would never cheat on me, but I have felt that he was or would.

So, I saw he posted a photo of himself all dressed up on XMAS eve after he told me he was going to lay low since we had a travel ban and he couldn't make it to my city due to weather.  And then he had all kinds of women commenting etc. It made him look VERY single. Really bothered me.

So, I had a girlfriend of mine unfriend me and follow him and see if he would take the bait. And he did. He told her he was single and that she was beautiful etc.

I told her to try to see if he would meet her this morning. All the while I'm texting with him and telling him that I need to make sure we are on the same page and that we are not dating other people or even entertaining the idea. And he said "NO! I would never!"

Literally as he is texting ME that....he is messaging my friend and asking if she can meet at 3pm and sending her the location of the restaurant.

She said "would you want to meet up for a cocktail today?"

He said absolutely and sent the location. Of course my girlfriend doesn't even LIVE in his city but she said that she was visiting his town for the holiday.

So I don't know anyone who can actually show up to throw this in his face. I'm just stunned and wondering the best way to handle my emotions.

I am so livid but this clearly confirms to me -- that he's NOT to be trusted.

Should I have the waiter deliver a note to him to let him know he's busted?  

Edited by howwouldiknownow22
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I don't believe in playing games so you should come right out and tell him what you  and your friend have been up to and let him know he's busted and you're through.  You are breaking up with him aren't you?

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Just now, stillafool said:

I don't believe in playing games so you should come right out and tell him what you  and your friend have been up to and let him know he's busted and you're through.  You are breaking up with him aren't you?

I guess I have to.  I am so upset.  I guess I knew in my gut all along...but I'm just so sad.  He literally is begging me to come to visit him on Wednesday and stay through New Year's.  And he's going on a date this afternoon.  I was buying outfits for NYE parties etc... and I just have to accept my reality.  He's a liar.  

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I agree with not playing games.  You now know you can't trust him, there's nothing more to do but end it, quickly and cleanly.  I'm sorry for how this must hurt you.  

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It's tough when the cheater is also a charmer. People sometimes don't credit the charming cheaters for how good they are at helping you block out the possibility that they are cheating.

So be gentle on yourself. The main thing is that you finally saw behind the charming lies. That's an achievement. Credit yourself.

You are still--believe it or not--under his spell. And so if you talk to him and he calls you, he's going to put on nuclear level charm and sincerity. It'll be so easy for you to say, "Oh, that makes sense" and to get back involved with him.

So stay away. You need to let his charm power die down. 

BTW: there is a lesson in here. You didn't need your gf do to all the social media stuff. Tip for future: you KNEW in your gut he was cheating. Trust that gut next time. Trust it immediately. You waste time bringing in a friend to confirm. The only reason you asked your gf to go on social media with him is that you KNEW he was being distant and inconsistent, that something was not on the up and up. You don't need anyone to confirm. You knew this all along, but you distrusted your intuition. Now you know you can trust that feeling. Saves you a ton of time in relationships if you just trust that intuition that someone is cheating. 

 

Edited by Lotsgoingon
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2 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

It's touch when the cheater is also a charmer. People sometimes don't credit the charming cheaters for how good they are at helping you block out the possibility that they are cheating.

So be gentle on yourself. The main thing is you finally saw behind the charming lies. That's an achievement. But be careful about cursing him out and getting a note handed to him. You are still--believe it or not--under his spell. And so if you talk to him and he calls you, he's going to put on nuclear level charm and sincerity. It'll be so easy for you to say, "Oh, that makes sense" and to get back involved with him.

So stay away. You need to let his charm power die down. 

Thank you.  I'm writing this out here to keep my own sense of reality here and not tell myself lies.  I LITERALLY was texting him at the EXACT time when I said "I just want to feel like everything is stable and I can fully trust you..." and his reply was "ABSOLUTELY -- I love you!  I would never want anyone else".

There is NO WAY around that.  This is not a misunderstanding -- since he was messaging HER at the same time giving address to the place to meet for cocktails!!! 

I mean... wow.  That's PATHOLOGICAL.   He must have ZERO conscience 

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OpenMindedAdz

Hi, 

Just seen this thread and firstly, im sorry that you have found out your partner isn't as faithful as you would have liked. 

He says he would never see anyone else but if he is willing to meet up with your friend and is stating he is single, then unfortunately he is not worth your time nor effort.

It may be hard but if he's willing to do it now, what is to say he won't do it again in the future? 

Take the morale high ground when approaching him, be straight about it and tell him what you know! Tell him what you deserve and how he is acting isn't! 

I hope you find the strength to do the right thing for yourself and not continue or delay the hurt even further. Find the right guy who will treat you the way you deserve, show you loyalty and be the one who wants to talk to you everyday!

Good luck!!

Adam

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OP: Just be prepared for the next con he's going to run... "I knew you were setting me up all the time and that this was fake... I went along with it because I wanted to teach you a lesson... blah blah blah"

Don't fall for it.

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9 minutes ago, Mrin said:

OP: Just be prepared for the next con he's going to run... "I knew you were setting me up all the time and that this was fake... I went along with it because I wanted to teach you a lesson... blah blah blah"

Don't fall for it.

Oh totally....I had already imagined him saying something like that.  I mean...he's just one lie after another.  This isn't his first lie.  Unfortunately...and as another posted stated -- I should have trusted my gut even sooner.  

My gut was right....

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8 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

My gut was right....

And you haven’t said it yet, but the only thing left to do is dump him now right? I wouldn’t even really talk to him because you know he’ll gaslight and twist things and basically beg and plead and do whatever it takes to keep you on his string. Just a simple, sorry this isn’t working for me, block him on all your devices and delete him on all social media. It’s hard to do, but really your best option at this point.

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I don't think you should engage with him at all. 

You know who he is. 

Just stop talking to him (now!), block him on everything and that will be him getting a taste of rejection - fully deserved - and you getting a closure where you win. 

If you start explaining to him how he hurt you, he will not care really, but you will give him a chance to spill some more of his BS your way. And then you will end up still hurt, and he will end up feeling he's "the dude" who got to you (i.e. yet another woman whose heart he broke). 

End it on your own terms. End it now and without a word. Your pain will eventually go away.

And you know what's the best part - he'll end up sitting alone somewhere waiting for a woman to show up who never will, and then going home to continue his BS to you - and you will not be there either. 

Edited by Stret
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I say block and delete. What more evidence do you need that you're dealing with a creep? You want him to know that you busted him, but you have to understand that he won't care.  This guy is a misogynist, and that means he's in the business of hurting women. If you let him know he's hurt you he's achieved his aim. Ghosting him is the best way to give him payback, it's the only way he'll ever remember who you were. 

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Something must have been unsettling for you to come up with this trap. Trust your instincts.

End it. He seems like an untrustworthy dog.

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I just saw that you are the same person who, just last month, had a homeless "BF friend" who used you for your money and lived at your place lying to you about his business prospects.... How long has this new boyfriend been around? 

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He's good at lying--really good--and very likely he has lied to you before, on smaller things and big things.

I would bet you can go back and recall and piece together when he said x and you later learned he did Y. When he said he was going to X location and later you learned he went to Y location.

Non-liars have a REALLY hard time dealing with confident liars. We think the liar feels guilty and will be awkward about the lies and so on. In fact, good liars as like master actors flawlessly acting out a script. They can get their voice and body language into a sincere and convincing tone and never "admit" when they are caught in a lie.

Which is why you have to cut ties with them fully, because they are really good at talking themselves out of jams. Really good at lying again to cover the initial lie. 

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25 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

He's good at lying--really good--and very likely he has lied to you before, on smaller things and big things.

I would bet you can go back and recall and piece together when he said x and you later learned he did Y. When he said he was going to X location and later you learned he went to Y location.

Non-liars have a REALLY hard time dealing with confident liars. We think the liar feels guilty and will be awkward about the lies and so on. In fact, good liars as like master actors flawlessly acting out a script. They can get their voice and body language into a sincere and convincing tone and never "admit" when they are caught in a lie.

Which is why you have to cut ties with them fully, because they are really good at talking themselves out of jams. Really good at lying again to cover the initial lie. 

So I just wanted to make sure he was going to go through with it -- my GF said he texted "here" and described what he was wearing.    She replied that she had an issue with the uber and couldn't make it and asked to reschedule.

I do feel a bit bad about doing this...  but, it clearly was something I needed for peace of mind to get him [ ] out of my life.

And yes, to the poster who asked.  This is the BF who was basically setting up shop in my house -- I finally got him to leave and then he reeled me back in when he said he was on his feet again in this new city.  But, he still owes me 4k -- and says he will pay it.

So this is even worse ....now he's not only still using me financially --he's a cheater too.   

He texted me when he thought he was going to meet her -- that he was running some errands and would call me in about an hour and asked me to look at flights because he loves me and can't wait to see me.

He literally did that ...sitting there..waiting for her to show up.  

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

I say block and delete. What more evidence do you need that you're dealing with a creep? You want him to know that you busted him, but you have to understand that he won't care.  This guy is a misogynist, and that means he's in the business of hurting women. If you let him know he's hurt you he's achieved his aim. Ghosting him is the best way to give him payback, it's the only way he'll ever remember who you were. 

I've known him for several years as business acquaintances and then friends...we only recently because romantic ...    So this will be a tough loss.  I had already broken up with him once before... and it was hard then.  I should have never gone back....

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He very much sounds like a sociopath. And I have no idea what are you still doing with him and why haven't you got rid of him by now. You should be wondering what does it say about you. That is the key for you to find out. Otherwise, he'll just drag you in again and play with you like a cat plays with a mouse. Why are you letting him? Figure it out and if not him, then it will be someone else who will treat you like this. 

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14 minutes ago, Stret said:

He very much sounds like a sociopath. And I have no idea what are you still doing with him and why haven't you got rid of him by now. You should be wondering what does it say about you. That is the key for you to find out. Otherwise, he'll just drag you in again and play with you like a cat plays with a mouse. Why are you letting him? Figure it out and if not him, then it will be someone else who will treat you like this. 

I think the best way out of this is immediately blocking him.  He is/was a professional contact and I may have to deal with that at some point....but for now...just blocking and not even telling him is best.  Clearly, I struggle with my boundary around him because I end up feeling bad for him...or allowing him to tap into what we had in common for so long...  but this is it. 

It should have ended permanently 2 months ago.  You aren't wrong.... I have to fix my own issues quickly. 

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Yikes.  

Really, really concerning that you would get back together with this deadbeat after all you shared about him from November.  Of COURSE he cheated, and of course you knew he would do that - at the very least - because he lied, mooched off of you and gave you zero emotional support or anything at all in your first go-round. The fact that he'd cheated on his ex is immaterial here - you already had firsthand experience of your own.

Please please never interact with this lowlife conman again.   Don't give your "professional contacts" in common a second thought.  He is a CONMAN.  This is not limited to how he deals with you or his ex wife.  Anything he's doing in his "professional" (tongue in cheek) life is a charade.  I would be shocked if this guy functions in a viable way in any area of his life; it's probably all centered on finding "marks" like you and wringing them dry) 

So sorry you put yourself through this AGAIN.  Please do something to address your "picker," it's not working right!

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24 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Yikes.  

Really, really concerning that you would get back together with this deadbeat after all you shared about him from November.  Of COURSE he cheated, and of course you knew he would do that - at the very least - because he lied, mooched off of you and gave you zero emotional support or anything at all in your first go-round. The fact that he'd cheated on his ex is immaterial here - you already had firsthand experience of your own.

Please please never interact with this lowlife conman again.   Don't give your "professional contacts" in common a second thought.  He is a CONMAN.  This is not limited to how he deals with you or his ex wife.  Anything he's doing in his "professional" (tongue in cheek) life is a charade.  I would be shocked if this guy functions in a viable way in any area of his life; it's probably all centered on finding "marks" like you and wringing them dry) 

So sorry you put yourself through this AGAIN.  Please do something to address your "picker," it's not working right!

 

I have been trying to figure out what it is ...I think it's just that we have been connected as friends for years and talked/texted so much over that time...that he became part of my life.

It has been really hard for me to see who he REALLY is.  Even today -- I can't believe it.  I DO believe it...but I'm just astounded.  

He was literally TEXTING me and her at the same damn time.....  his lies -- "I will never hurt you...you mean too much to me...I don't ever want to screw this up" and next minute he is telling her he will be wearing a pink button down shirt!  

It's just stunning!  I guess I just needed my nose rubbed in it...

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1 hour ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I think the best way out of this is immediately blocking him.  He is/was a professional contact and I may have to deal with that at some point....but for now...just blocking and not even telling him is best.  Clearly, I struggle with my boundary around him because I end up feeling bad for him...or allowing him to tap into what we had in common for so long...  but this is it. 

It should have ended permanently 2 months ago.  You aren't wrong.... I have to fix my own issues quickly. 

What professional contact?  This guy was homeless, staying with you but spending all of his time away with his friends.  Why did you take him back when you supposedly broke up with him before.  He should be blocked and this wouldn't be happening.

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You're talking about the guy who was using you for accommodation, food and alcohol?  He was never into you as a person, it was only about what he could use you for.   Why on earth did you take him back in the first place? 

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I'm surprised that you're so outraged by the latest details of his personality being revealed to you.  Frankly these are pretty mild in comparison with the crap he pulled while he was living off of you and ignoring you at the same time - and still managed to get a "farewell" $400 gift!  

Of COURSE he is going to lie and cheat.  That's what liars / cheaters do.  Are you planning to give him any more chances to show you this? 

Honestly I think you need to look at your business life.  The guy is so blatant and there are always his "friends" involved; there is NO way he can have any real standing in a real business community.  Hundreds of people already know who he really is:  A bottomfeeder.  

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27 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What professional contact?  This guy was homeless, staying with you but spending all of his time away with his friends.  Why did you take him back when you supposedly broke up with him before.  He should be blocked and this wouldn't be happening.

We started as professional contacts. He then became a client.  He and his business parter own a private equity company.  And We currently even share a client because he referred that person to me when he failed to pay ME for my work.  So he thought passing me off to a client referral would make it better...I guess.

I know on good authority through my business networking group that he has strong equity in a privately held company that he raised money for.  When that sells in the next year or so....he will be a millionaire.  But over the last few months.... he has been homeless essentially.

What I didn't know is he was divorced to protect his ex wife's assets...but he was essentially living as married in another state.  He was living there rent free --- or mortgage free....and when his ex wife found out about me -- she kicked him out and has not spoken with him since.   

He's been broke for at least a year ...but went to these business events and everyone thinks he's a millionaire.  And he puts on a DAMN good show...I had NO idea ...that he had no money.

And yes...I should have NEVER allowed him back into my life.  

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