My committed boyfriend is planning to meet a woman for a first date this afternoon.

[howwouldiknownow22]

23 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I'm surprised that you're so outraged by the latest details of his personality being revealed to you.  Frankly these are pretty mild in comparison with the crap he pulled while he was living off of you and ignoring you at the same time - and still managed to get a "farewell" $400 gift!  

Of COURSE he is going to lie and cheat.  That's what liars / cheaters do.  Are you planning to give him any more chances to show you this? 

Honestly I think you need to look at your business life.  The guy is so blatant and there are always his "friends" involved; there is NO way he can have any real standing in a real business community.  Hundreds of people already know who he really is:  A bottomfeeder.  

There are a couple in my inner business circle who were stunned when I told them at a very HIGH level...what I knew.  Not the nitty gritty.  They almost didn't believe me (and they may not..).

He's a damn good showman....that's for sure.  

[stillafool]

16 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

When that sells in the next year or so....he will be a millionaire.  But over the last few months.... he has been homeless essentially.

 

17 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

And he puts on a DAMN good show...I had NO idea ...that he had no money.

Okay so he might get a million or so in the next year.  The way he's been lying and living beyond his means shows he knows nothing about how to handle money and more than likely he will owe out every penny and then some to the IRS and his creditors.  Are you doing all of this and hanging on to this loser in hopes of snagging a millionaire?  

[stillafool]

18 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

He's a damn good showman....that's for sure.  

This is all he is.....and that's for sure.

[howwouldiknownow22]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 

Okay so he might get a million or so in the next year.  The way he's been lying and living beyond his means shows he knows nothing about how to handle money and more than likely he will owe out every penny and then some to the IRS and his creditors.  Are you doing all of this and hanging on to this loser in hopes of snagging a millionaire?  

No...clearly it's not about the money given the fact that I've given him SO much of my own money.... he still owes me thousands and says he will pay me back.  But ...when will that be?  Good question...it's been a few months and he has a cushy apartment that's fully furnished and it's penthouse level.... and he hasn't paid me a dime back.   

And clearly he is out partying a lot...although I know first hand he has a very smooth way of making sure that someone else picks up his tab.  So, he mooches... very, very well.  

But ...no it's not about the money.  it's about living in the fantasy of who I thought he was and who we were on track to becoming as a professional and personal couple. It's just hard for me to believe what I've learned.   But I must.  

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

it's been a few months and he has a cushy apartment that's fully furnished and it's penthouse level.... and he hasn't paid me a dime back.

Not even the $700 you gave him to get a hotel?  What is wrong with you?  Can't you see he is not the man you thought he was by now?  Any further pain he inflicts is not his fault at this point because you are welcoming it with open arms.

[howwouldiknownow22]

15 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Not even the $700 you gave him to get a hotel?  What is wrong with you?  Can't you see he is not the man you thought he was by now?  Any further pain he inflicts is not his fault at this point because you are welcoming it with open arms.

I see it... I do.  But I also know he's borrowing from Peter to pay Paul...  he is on a tight string and I know 1000 percent that he has no family.  All of his family is dead and then the ex wife shut him out (and rightfully so) ...and I felt for him....as a business owner myself....he was living my worst nightmare.   So I helped... and then forgave him... because he blamed his bad behavior on the fact that he was in such dire circumstances....  So ...I forgave.

But...this?  I think this is why this particular issue is more important to me than other problems.   He is blatantly lying to me and telling me he will never hurt me again....and texting my friend ... at the exact same time.

He can't blame this one on his dire circumstances .... and he wasn't black out drunk....it was 11am and I spoke to him about 15 min before and he was sober.  Maybe hungover...but sobers.  

I have no ability to find other issues to contribute to this horrible scenario.   So it's Real.  It's HIM.  It's his sociopathic behavior....  He is NOT who I wanted to believe he was.... 

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

So I helped... and then forgave him... because he blamed his bad behavior on the fact that he was in such dire circumstances....  So ...I forgave.

This is where you went wrong.   Most people behave well when times are good, but it is in dire circumstances that we find the real character of a person.  If things go bad and as a reaction, they behave badly, it should be a dealbreaker for you.   Look for the kind of man who continues to be a good person even in life's tough times. 

[howwouldiknownow22]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

This is where you went wrong.   Most people behave well when times are good, but it is in dire circumstances that we find the real character of a person.  If things go bad and as a reaction, they behave badly, it should be a dealbreaker for you.   Look for the kind of man who continues to be a good person even in life's tough times. 

I hear you... I contributed his crazy amount of alcohol use to the melt down...and then allowed him to use that as an excuse and of course he begged and pleaded and said it wouldn't happen again...which of course... we know how that ended.

I just should have realized that even I wouldn't have done what he did.... and facts and actions mean far more than words.   

I haven't blocked him yet.  I think I will tonight..   I'm not a big drinker myself these days...but I'm gonna have a couple of glasses of liquid courage -- and then block.  Part of me is tempted to text something first....but I know it won't do anything that I would want it to do... he clearly has no conscience....

[BrinnM]

So this is the boyfriend who also drinks relatively heavily (at least on occasion), and makes you drink heavily as well. And who sneaks marijuana gummies in your mouth, when you are not paying attention? 
 

So in my opinion this is a relationship that thrives on drama a little bit. And as long as you cannot disconnect yourself from all this drama it will go on and on and on. The long distance situation only compounds this issue. 
 

At this point if I were you I would just go silent (provided you’re done with the drama relationship, which CAN be addictive). Do Not respond anymore. Done. It’s been going on wayyyyy too long.

But I am guessing you want somewhat of a dramatic exit, and I guess this is the perfect occasion. (Given that your friend “trapped” him and such.) 

Be prepared for a backlash though, bc you guys are obviously connected professionally to some extent. Make sure your dramatic exit - if you should choose to do that - won’t affect you negatively in your career. You never know who he knows & who could harm you down the road at some point. Plan ahead and be prepared! Especially bc he owes you money as well. 

But yes - If you’re really mad you can use your anger to lash out at him by making a really dramatic exit that will embarrass him to no end. You just need to plan properly. 😬 (not that I’m recommending this; just saying, if you choose to do so, pls be careful) 

[howwouldiknownow22]

3 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

So this is the boyfriend who also drinks relatively heavily (at least on occasion), and makes you drink heavily as well. And who sneaks marijuana gummies in your mouth, when you are not paying attention? 
 

So in my opinion this is a relationship that thrives on drama a little bit. And as long as you cannot disconnect yourself from all this drama it will go on and on and on. The long distance situation only compounds this issue. 
 

At this point if I were you I would just go silent (provided you’re done with the drama relationship, which CAN be addictive). Do Not respond anymore. Done. It’s been going on wayyyyy too long.

But I am guessing you want somewhat of a dramatic exit, and I guess this is the perfect occasion. (Given that your friend “trapped” him and such.) 

Be prepared for a backlash though, bc you guys are obviously connected professionally to some extent. Make sure your dramatic exit - if you should choose to do that - won’t affect you negatively in your career. You never know who he knows & who could harm you down the road at some point. Plan ahead and be prepared! Especially bc he owes you money as well. 

But yes - If you’re really mad you can use your anger to lash out at him by making a really dramatic exit that will embarrass him to no end. You just need to plan properly. 😬 (not that I’m recommending this; just saying, if you choose to do so, pls be careful) 

Actually -- that was the person I was dating and nearly engaged to about a year ago.   This person is my last relationship ....someone I've known as a friend and client for awhile.   But clearly there are a lot of common group only this last guy...is worse.  he looked FAR better on the surface ...but he's FAR worse than the man I was dating for a year and was also had toxic behavior.   

I don't think I have the guts to do the dramatic exit....  I am concerned that I will somehow jeapordize myself and my integrity and that is something I'm quite proud of .... and want to continue in my personal and professional life.   But gosh...it IS very tempting...   

I just feel so ashamed as to what I've put up with...

[BrinnM]

58 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

don't think I have the guts to do the dramatic exit....  I am concerned that I will somehow jeapordize myself and my integrity and that is something I'm quite proud of .

Well good for you then. Problem solved! Do not respond to him ever again. He’ll figure it out himself - trust me - he’ll know why you quit responding. It’s not rocket science and he knows what he did and maybe he doesn’t even care. 
Silence is Golden

[glows]

I’m not sure what’s the issue with simply saying it’s not working for you and wishing him all the best. Those words are to close the chapter and ensure he doesn’t keep pursuing you or end up on your doorstep wondering why you disappeared - worse, attempting to contact you through other means related to work or mutual contacts. 

You don’t have to say a word about why you’re ending it or that you’re aware of what you found out. I wouldn’t even bother waiting for his reply. Block, delete. Can it and the sever contact. He doesn’t sound like much of a professional contact either. You’re not losing much. 

[S2B]

8 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I think the best way out of this is immediately blocking him.  He is/was a professional contact and I may have to deal with that at some point....but for now...just blocking and not even telling him is best.  Clearly, I struggle with my boundary around him because I end up feeling bad for him...or allowing him to tap into what we had in common for so long...  but this is it. 

It should have ended permanently 2 months ago.  You aren't wrong.... I have to fix my own issues quickly. 

Yes block him! He uses you because you have allowed it! Stop allowing it.

don’t give him one more penny! You know if you meet him the tab is only on you - so stop seeing him!

and block him - right after sending a text that says “don’t contact me anymore!”

the ONLY reason he keeps getting ahold of you is because you are a softy.

get some professional counseling. Otherwise other people will also be allowed to take advantage of you as well. 

you really need to learn what a healthy relationship looks like.

Edited December 27, 2022 by S2B

[stillafool]

14 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I see it... I do.  But I also know he's borrowing from Peter to pay Paul...  he is on a tight string and I know 1000 percent that he has no family.  All of his family is dead and then the ex wife shut him out (and rightfully so) ...and I felt for him....as a business owner myself....he was living my worst nightmare.   So I helped... and then forgave him... because he blamed his bad behavior on the fact that he was in such dire circumstances....  So ...I forgave.

No, you forgave him because you're in love with him.  All the terrible things he's done and it's this thing with your friend that has you fuming and running to this forum.

Edited December 27, 2022 by stillafool

[stillafool]

21 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

It's tough when the cheater is also a charmer. People sometimes don't credit the charming cheaters for how good they are at helping you block out the possibility that they are cheating.

Truth is most cheaters are charming.  That's how they get people to willingly cheat with them.  At some point people have to find their backbone and common sense and use it.

[howwouldiknownow22]

45 minutes ago, stillafool said:

No, you forgave him because you're in love with him.  All the terrible things he's done and it's this thing with your friend that has you fuming and running to this forum.

I think you are right.  I have loved him -- and probably still do.  I just felt so in line with him...for a long time.  So I kept trying to help him....  I ended it last night.  I just told him that my gut felt he was being dishonest with me and I must end this.  

He called me and I didn't answer.  And he's texted --- I didn't reply.  I am going to block him now.  

[glows]

I hope you have blocked and deleted the contact. I recall you do feel lonely and want to spend your life with someone from a previous thread. Give yourself a good chance to find someone else without all this going on in the background or staying in contact with someone like this.

[S2B]

Be prepared - he will do anything to keep in touch - that’s not that he cares about you - it’s that he wants access to the money you have.

remember… even IF/when he may get some money - he isn’t going to pay you back. 
 

he isn’t the man you thought he WAS. THIS is who he is!!! He is a user and a taker! It’s consistent. Do NOT ever let him back into your life. Even business - make contacts yourself. No amount of business contacts are worth what you’ve been risking.

I know you said he drinks - but this also looks like he has a serious drug problem too. This IS what it looks like when someone has a serious drug problem.

[howwouldiknownow22]

5 minutes ago, S2B said:

Be prepared - he will do anything to keep in touch - that’s not that he cares about you - it’s that he wants access to the money you have.

remember… even IF/when he may get some money - he isn’t going to pay you back. 
 

he isn’t the man you thought he WAS. THIS is who he is!!! He is a user and a taker! It’s consistent. Do NOT ever let him back into your life. Even business - make contacts yourself. No amount of business contacts are worth what you’ve been risking.

I know you said he drinks - but this also looks like he has a serious drug problem too. This IS what it looks like when someone has a serious drug problem.

I don't think he wants money from me right now....but I think he realizes that I'm the only woman in his life that is or (was) willing to accept him and the situation he is in. 

Most women wouldn't be able to deal with someone who isn't spoiling them with gifts or at least nice dinners.  He will be able To do that in a year or so when that company sells...but not yet.  

And I don't think he has a drug problem.  I think he is an alcoholic.  he lived with me for a couple of weeks the first go 'round...and I saw the heavy drinking and I was curious about drugs.  But I don't think so.  I think he smoked weed behind my back but no hard core drugs.  

[S2B]

So why do you think that most women wouldn’t put up with his bad behavior - yet you do?

[stillafool]

11 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

Quote

I don't think he wants money from me right now....but I think he realizes that I'm the only woman in his life that is or (was) willing to accept him and the situation he is in. 

Yes, accept him as he is and help him financially that's a big reason he hangs around you.  The way he spends money he doesn't have it's only a matter of time before he's broke again and will need your financial help.

Quote

Most women wouldn't be able to deal with someone who isn't spoiling them with gifts or at least nice dinners.  He will be able To do that in a year or so when that company sells...but not yet.  

No, most women would not be able to deal with an alcoholic loser who lives above his means yet insists that they give him money he will never repay.   Even if he does get money in a year it's doubtful he will spend it on you.  He will wine and dine younger women. Mark my words on that one.  

Quote

And I don't think he has a drug problem.  I think he is an alcoholic.  he lived with me for a couple of weeks the first go 'round...and I saw the heavy drinking and I was curious about drugs.  But I don't think so.  I think he smoked weed behind my back but no hard core drugs.  

Just so you know, alcohol and weed are drugs.

 

Edited December 27, 2022 by stillafool

[S2B]

You now know exactly who he is! He is a user and a taker!

you’ve known that since last month. Yet you still chose to go back for more abuse by his way of taking from you.

at this point you do this to YOURSELF - by the choices YOU make.

blame yourself - not him. You have the ability to choose differently every time he starts to manipulate you by being charming. Yet you’ve gone back for more every time!

why? This is an issue within YOURSELF. Why haven’t you seen a trained therapist for your issues? That was suggested more than a month ago…

[NuevoYorko]

18 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

 

I know on good authority through my business networking group that he has strong equity in a privately held company that he raised money for.  When that sells in the next year or so....he will be a millionaire.  But over the last few months.... he has been homeless essentially.

 

You are kind of deluded about this person's financial and business life..   

I can say with certainty that your internet friends in the business networking groups do not have  the inside scoop about other people's private business dealings, especially if they're of the sort that would make a person a millionaire within a year.  We'd ALL be multimillionaires in a year if it were that simple and a sure thing. 

I have no idea what your actual business is, I guess you work in or own a venture or private capital firm?   If so, you know that it's about  speculation.  Your buddy is way, way too far in the hole for a million, or even a few million dollars to help him.  Anything he might have coming will be leveraged.  

I just took a look at your posting history and it seems like this situation is pretty much in line with your past relationships.  Many different dramas, but all of them equally dramatic and sordid. Recently you posted about your issue with a business contact who was trying to "lure" you with promises of lucre.   Why do you engage in such things?  It sounds unbelievably naive,  considering that you present yourself as a person with some years and experience. 

  PLEASE return to, or remain in counseling to work on your attraction to this type of relationship.   Evidently you're well connected in your business, and if you're in the money business you have contacts in all kinds of business realms.  Why do you keep hitching your wagon to either shady characters you meet on the Internet or well known failures in your real life circle?

 

 

 

 

Edited December 27, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[S2B]

Your history makes me wonder if you grew up with extreme chaos as a child? Also we’re there abandonment issues growing up?

you seem to think the chaos is “normal” and you cause it like you need it to feel things are normal.

it is NOT normal.

[howwouldiknownow22]

2 hours ago, S2B said:

Your history makes me wonder if you grew up with extreme chaos as a child? Also we’re there abandonment issues growing up?

you seem to think the chaos is “normal” and you cause it like you need it to feel things are normal.

it is NOT normal.

I definitely had a rough childhood -- and my career really helped me grow and overcome some of my issues. But, clearly many still remain.

I was married young (at 23) and divorced 8 years ago.  Fortunately my ex and I are still friends and I often even hire him to do some freelance work for me when it's needed.

But I got engaged about a year after my divorce to a narcissistic sociopath who was extremely emotionally abusive.  Of course, that didn't start fully until we were engaged.  But it took me about a year to finally get the strength to leave him.  And I think that relationship did the most damage to me personally and mentally. 

It's been over for about 3 years...I didn't date for at least 6 months...but I think I'm still seeing the damage play out in the recent issues I've had.