My committed boyfriend is planning to meet a woman for a first date this afternoon.

December 28, 2022

3 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

. Our mutual client -- he's had 7 other previous billion dollar exits and his current company ...he expects to sell in the next 12 months. he's had offers and hasn't taken them. I am astounded that this very seasoned and polished man can't see through the bulls*it my Ex BF was telling him... but then again, neither did I.

You're being willfully blind / naive if not outright telling tall tales to yourself and maybe others. You've certainly re-framed, if not outright contradicted yourself on this forum.

Read your prior thread about him when he was crashing at your place. If you and he are as mutually connected as you say, there is no way that his circumstances aren't known far and wide.

You need to get a hold of yourself; establish some boundaries. Stop getting personal with men in your business world. Hang around with women. I'm sure you'll see pretty quickly that those women, if they're successful, don't have "business connections" sleeping on their couch, footing their expenses, or trying to "lure" them into sex with money and clients. Why? Because they carry their boundaries with them wherever they go in their work lives.

December 28, 2022

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

You're being willfully blind / naive if not outright telling tall tales to yourself and maybe others. You've certainly re-framed, if not outright contradicted yourself on this forum.

Read your prior thread about him when he was crashing at your place. If you and he are as mutually connected as you say, there is no way that his circumstances aren't known far and wide.

You need to get a hold of yourself; establish some boundaries. Stop getting personal with men in your business world. Hang around with women. I'm sure you'll see pretty quickly that those women, if they're successful, don't have "business connections" sleeping on their couch, footing their expenses, or trying to "lure" them into sex with money and clients. Why? Because they carry their boundaries with them wherever they go in their work lives.

I agree with you. It's clear that I am almost gaslighting MYSELF on this. I am making him into someone he clearly isn't...and you are right -- about my boundaries. Now, I must say he was not my business connection...when we became romantic. He was a client several years ago and we became friends (long distance) .. But, your point is correct and well understood.

December 28, 2022

5 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I'm not a lawyer -- I run a PR firm. And I did work for some of their early stage companies that they raised capital for. My "ex" bf now....started a private equity fund with his partner -- and they get fees on the front end of their deals that they raise money for -- but then they get larger chunks of equity. So from what I can tell -- they eat what they kill and it's been really hard in the past year to raise a lot due to the economy etc. And they've only had 2 companies they've raised capital for (that I can tell) in the last 6 months. One of them is our shared client.

When these companies (privately held) sell -- they will make a lot in the equity. But, it's a waiting game. Our mutual client -- he's had 7 other previous billion dollar exits and his current company ...he expects to sell in the next 12 months. he's had offers and hasn't taken them. I am astounded that this very seasoned and polished man can't see through the bulls*it my Ex BF was telling him... but then again, neither did I.

Yes I know how the exit deal works - but typically you hold a company for several yeas before a lucrative exit. I've worked for my current firm for over five years and we haven't sold any of our portfolio companies. We've closed on a few acquisitions that have been add-ons, rearranged their C-suite, etc. The management fees paid from the portco to the PE partners every quarter is a huge part of their overall income, including preferred stock dividends. He should def not be broke in the slightest, he should be rolling in it or he's the worst PE professional I've ever heard of.

It sounds to me like perhaps he works for someone like Champlain Investment Partners (not the PE Fund itself), where he was hired to make introductions from other investors to the PE firm (endowments, family funds, etc) who then in turn commit a certain amount to the Fund being raised. Either that or he's a banker who shops companies to PE firms that are for sale.

We typically don't raise capital for just one single company to buy, but rather an entire Fund that is used to buy several companies that then fall under that Fund.

It just seems very strange that he keeps saying "any day now" for this exit deal to close to be paid, because PE professionals don't rely on exit deals to make money and survive. That's the VERY end game that takes many years to realize.

Edited December 28, 2022 by Allupinnit

December 28, 2022

Apologies - I didn't mean to sound condescending.

I just think that this guy is clearly full of crap and being a liar with you and his clients is just another toxic quality he has. PE has definitely not been suffering in this market.

He's a conman and you've been swindled - this type of work attracts raging narcissists and you've been played. I'm so sorry - I would block him everywhere and stay away from.

Take a break from men and talk to a therapist about why you keep dating the same toxic man over and over!

December 28, 2022

1 hour ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I agree with you. It's clear that I am almost gaslighting MYSELF on this.

It’s always ourselves that are complicit. You see all the red flags but ignore them because the infatuation / in love chemical high is so intoxicating. If you actually acknowledge the red flags you lose the high. And if you have a pattern beyond just this guy, you know the problem lies with you.

December 28, 2022

He seems like a scammer and they're more adept at superficial charm because it's a tool.

Also keep in mind that they can sense targets and prey. Give an inch take a mile is their operating procedure. So when they sense generosity or kindness, they don't think "what a nice person" like normal people do. They think "how far can I push the envelope?'

Don't beat yourself up, but do delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

At some point reflect why you got involved in this whether it was loneliness or something else.

Edited December 28, 2022 by Wiseman2

December 28, 2022

2 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Apologies - I didn't mean to sound condescending.

I just think that this guy is clearly full of crap and being a liar with you and his clients is just another toxic quality he has. PE has definitely not been suffering in this market.

He's a conman and you've been swindled - this type of work attracts raging narcissists and you've been played. I'm so sorry - I would block him everywhere and stay away from.

Take a break from men and talk to a therapist about why you keep dating the same toxic man over and over!

it's true. And you are not condescending. I appreciate your insight. Wish I could share more... all I know is I have attended some significant family office conferences with him and my other client and I've heard a similar story about how people in his space are struggling right now. I guess it gave me some empathy for him at that time.

But yes I think he did a lot of damage over the years and doesn't have a reserve in the bank...and now shi* has hit the fan.

He started this business himself with his business partner about 4 years ago after leaving Goldman Sachs. So he has a lot of clout with contacts etc. It doesn't seem people know the deep problems he's in. Honestly, I may seem nuts due to these circumstances but I truly am not alone.... he puts on a very GOOD show... no one can believe what I tell them. They think I'm the crazy one and they don't even know the depth of the details.

And I agree w you... Need to figure this out. No question.

Edited December 28, 2022 by howwouldiknownow22

December 29, 2022

9 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

And I agree w you... Need to figure this out. No question.

What exactly do you need to figure out here? Dump him. Block and delete from all personal sites and devices. Forget the 4K - consider it the cost of the lesson you learned.

December 29, 2022

@OP, I think you have a self-destructive streak. That may explain why you keep getting drawn to this man (and have been drawn to others like him) even though you know better. And I worry that after all this back and forth, he will still find a way back into your life. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you still haven't blocked him, right? You're still leaving the door slightly open, right?

Anyway, as you've already determined, you have a serious problem. You may not want to be lonely, but you really have no business dating anybody or seeking to be in a relationship at this point in your life. You're too vulnerable to these narcissistic sociopath types, and, apparently, you are drawn to them and their drama. You're still relatively financially stable. So psychological counselling and support are within your reach. Do seek out a good therapist and start seeing them.

December 29, 2022

@howwouldiknownow22has it ever occurred to you that this story he spins is pretty much straight out of the scam artist handbook?

"I have a million dollars coming to me pretty soon, aren't you lucky, if you are willing to stand beside me and wait you can be a millionaire's wife."

"Oh no sweety! Something horrible has happened and my million dollars is trapped for some reason, i mean i'm still going to be a millionaire but the plan has been delayed for some reason."

"Can I borrow some money while I'm temporarily poor?" (at this point the mark says yes because they are hooked on the attention and also they have invested so much time and energy in building this relationship with a "millionaire.")

Isn't there a "Nigerian prince/princess" type scam that's very similar to this? Like, the con artist says that their money or property is being held by some agency and they need to pay a 10k tax or debt or something to have it released.

There's this thing called "occam's razor" (i think) that says that the most obvious explanation is probably the true explanation. Like, if you hear hoof prints, think horses, not zebras. It just seems like, to me, the most obvious explanation for this man's lifestyle is that he's legitimately broke. That explains the homelessness, especially at his age. the most obvious explanation for why he takes money from you is that taking money from women is the norm for him, probably how he survives. I just don't understand how you can think this situation can reasonably be explained by "he's about to cash in on a million dollar deal." That just seems so fanciful and unlikely.

I'm not trying to be hurtful but I'm curious-- how do you know "for a fact" that he's due this million dollars in a year or so? How do you or your sources know for certain that he holds certain assets which will sell?

December 29, 2022

4 hours ago, IrinaM said:

@howwouldiknownow22has it ever occurred to you that this story he spins is pretty much straight out of the scam artist handbook?

"I have a million dollars coming to me pretty soon, aren't you lucky, if you are willing to stand beside me and wait you can be a millionaire's wife."

"Oh no sweety! Something horrible has happened and my million dollars is trapped for some reason, i mean i'm still going to be a millionaire but the plan has been delayed for some reason."

"Can I borrow some money while I'm temporarily poor?" (at this point the mark says yes because they are hooked on the attention and also they have invested so much time and energy in building this relationship with a "millionaire.")

Isn't there a "Nigerian prince/princess" type scam that's very similar to this? Like, the con artist says that their money or property is being held by some agency and they need to pay a 10k tax or debt or something to have it released.

There's this thing called "occam's razor" (i think) that says that the most obvious explanation is probably the true explanation. Like, if you hear hoof prints, think horses, not zebras. It just seems like, to me, the most obvious explanation for this man's lifestyle is that he's legitimately broke. That explains the homelessness, especially at his age. the most obvious explanation for why he takes money from you is that taking money from women is the norm for him, probably how he survives. I just don't understand how you can think this situation can reasonably be explained by "he's about to cash in on a million dollar deal." That just seems so fanciful and unlikely.

I'm not trying to be hurtful but I'm curious-- how do you know "for a fact" that he's due this million dollars in a year or so? How do you or your sources know for certain that he holds certain assets which will sell?

The money that he WILL get really isn't the issue here -- I think it only helped me justify my belief in him. The reason I know for a fact is that one of the companies that he has large equity in -- is MY client. And we share this client so I am privy to the conversations about exit plans and how much money he raised for that company/CEO.

I know the CEO plans to sell the company in a year or 18 months. So that's how I have a full understanding. And this isn't the only company that has significant equity in -- but of course, it's just a matter of time that those companies sell or go through a merger.

The real issue is that he is a mess. And even when he gets the money -- that won't necessarily change his behavior of partying, drinking, and attempting to cheat or full on cheating!

I have now blocked him but yesterday he was texting me and apologizing and begging me to fly to his city for NYE. he said he misses me and loves me etc...and never meant to hurt me. (I told him that I knew he was trying to meet that woman and that she was my friend). He said that he realizes he hurt me and he's deeply sorry. That he's been struggling so much financially and that he's just in a downward spiral. He says he misses me etc.

Why did I finally get the guts to block him? Well during these texts -- I told him no. That I can't trust him. That I'd like him to pay me my money back and he said he can't afford to right now. I said but you can afford to party it up for NYE? And you want ME to pay my own plane fare to YOUR city so YOU can have fun with me? I said no. Not going to happen.

He then said "I knew you were vindictive but I expected more from you. Someone stronger than a coward"

That was it. I said he can go to hell and I blocked him.

It's tough. I think it's almost like removing the nail from your foot. Even though it hurt while it's there -- it's still a strange sensation that it's gone.

But-- it was time. Far over due.

December 29, 2022

4 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

That I'd like him to pay me my money back and he said he can't afford to right now. I said but you can afford to party it up for NYE? And you want ME to pay my own plane fare to YOUR city so YOU can have fun with me?

Yet he can afford a cushy, fully furnished apartment and a NYE trip to NY but also can't pay your way for that. This guy is a scammer and a user. Of course he's talking to other women and not just your friend. He knows his scams with women only last so long so he has to always have a new one ready when his current one drops him. He expects and sees it coming. The good thing is he's aging out of his ability to con women and then what will he do.

December 29, 2022

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yet he can afford a cushy, fully furnished apartment and a NYE trip to NY but also can't pay your way for that. This guy is a scammer and a user. Of course he's talking to other women and not just your friend. He knows his scams with women only last so long so he has to always have a new one ready when his current one drops him. He expects and sees it coming. The good thing is he's aging out of his ability to con women and then what will he do.

The fact that he called me a coward -- wow. He goes from loving me -- apologizing -- begging me to come visit him -- to retaliating against me and calling me a coward and mocking the city I live in. He's a peach.

December 29, 2022

3 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I said he can go to hell and I blocked him.

Bravo! You made the right call. You'll be so much freer and happier without this conartist lurking around.

December 29, 2022

Not to keep harping on the PE thing but, I don't know a single solitary PE professional who is financially stressed. What he's telling you about finally having money after the exit is a lie. YES he will get paid obviously, but it's not like that is the only source of income for an investment banker or PE principal. Percentage of assets, management fees, his salary itself - he could earn a million a year on those payouts alone without a single exit for several years (typically 4-7 for each portco).

Maybe his wife has completely cut him off from their assets because she doesn't trust him with his toying around in fancy hotels partying with other women, racking up credit card debt (since his gets declined on these dates). That is the likely story. He probably has a LOT of cash assets that his wife is trying to protect from him with her family in mind. He just figures she won't be able to touch the windfall of money he will get from a future exit and has put all of his eggs in that basket.

Wait a second... I think I remember you! Is this the same guy that claimed to live with his mother you could never meet, but wanted to go spend 2 weeks in Vegas after you confronted him? The same long-distance boyfriend who binge drinks and tried to shove a gummy in your mouth? The same long distance boyfriend you posted about last year whose family you reached out to about his cheating?

This man needs to go to rehab at the very least. If these are in fact all different but horrible men you date long-distance, please, PLEASE find out why you continue to be used by men this way. You have to take responsibility for being the common denominator in all of these threads.

December 29, 2022

4 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I told him that I knew he was trying to meet that woman and that she was my friend

Noooo - you promised you wouldn’t do this. You admitted to setting him up. Ugh. Now he’ll be vindictive. He already called you a coward after this. Brace yourself for more, for I believe he’s not well.

December 29, 2022

6 minutes ago, S2B said:

I still don’t understand why you chose the title that:

you are in a committed relationship…

when YOU knew he made plans to see your friend

you knew he was a blatant liar and a user - yet you still chose to type that he was committed to you.

are you sure you are capable of processing the reality of who his IS against who he says he was?

No. I don't think I'm doing that very well at all. I'm still in denial. And I STILL struggle to accept the reality.

But I hope that it will get easier as time passes. I titled it that way because we literally had the conversation THAT day about being committed to each other -- and he promised that he was. Obviously, his actions proved otherwise. But, for all intents and purposes... it was my belief that we were not dating other people.

December 29, 2022

52 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I titled it that way because we literally had the conversation THAT day about being committed to each other -- and he promised that he was.

But you knew he had a history of cheating on his wife. What made you think this broke loser was a good choice? I agree with S2B about filing a claim to get your money back eventually. Given your history with this guy, the gummy bears, having a guy on speed dial to join him in sex with you, borrowing money from you he never had any intentions of repaying; he has done nothing but disrespect you at every level. What in the world is it about this guy that has you so smitten with him?

December 29, 2022

49 minutes ago, stillafool said:

But you knew he had a history of cheating on his wife. What made you think this broke loser was a good choice? I agree with S2B about filing a claim to get your money back eventually. Given your history with this guy, the gummy bears, having a guy on speed dial to join him in sex with you, borrowing money from you he never had any intentions of repaying; he has done nothing but disrespect you at every level. What in the world is it about this guy that has you so smitten with him?

No -- this guy didn't do any of those things. Unfortunatley, that was my last relationship. It was over a year ago. He was the one who revealed after 6 months in...tht he wanted me to have sex with another man so he could watch. ughhh...I've really struck out w guys lately.

December 29, 2022

1 hour ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

No -- this guy didn't do any of those things. Unfortunatley, that was my last relationship. It was over a year ago. He was the one who revealed after 6 months in...tht he wanted me to have sex with another man so he could watch. ughhh...I've really struck out w guys lately.

Sorry I mixed up the 2 but they both sound the same. Why do you go for these type of men? You sound like a very intelligent lady and I'm just perplexed as to why you'd accept this behavior.

December 30, 2022

18 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

You're still relatively financially stable. So psychological counselling and support are within your reach. Do seek out a good therapist and start seeing them.

And you have a teenaged son still living with you at least part time, right? You really need to stabilize yourself.

December 30, 2022

38 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

And you have a teenaged son still living with you at least part time, right? You really need to stabilize yourself.

yes and my son is not and has not been exposed to this. But yes, I do need to stop the mental gymnastics I'm doing w bad relationships. He's a good kid and fortunately his dad and I have a great relationship after 7 years divorced now.

December 30, 2022

I think you would do great being single! Not everybody needs to be in a relationship. I don’t know where this myth is coming from anyway, and you’re the best example why seeking out a relationship for the sake of having a relationship can be a seriously bad idea. I think being a great role model of independence and strength for your kid(s) is one of the best things you can accomplish in your life.

December 30, 2022

53 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

I think you would do great being single! Not everybody needs to be in a relationship. I don’t know where this myth is coming from anyway, and you’re the best example why seeking out a relationship for the sake of having a relationship can be a seriously bad idea. I think being a great role model of independence and strength for your kid(s) is one of the best things you can accomplish in your life.

I have been single... quite awhile...this last relationship was short and very off and on - as you can see from my post.

before that..... I really didn't date much since the intense situation with the LAST 9 month relationship I had with the guy who surprised me with wanting to watch me have sex w another man.... Gosh that relationship at its beginning was really good.... he had a lot of great qualities and he really didn't display the red flags for quite a while. And I think we both moved quickly in the beginning because we had so much professionally and personally in common.

It's a shame.... I do want a relationship. And I truly miss my "friend" aka the recent ex bf. I know I probably sound insane by saying this but I think while he's def abused me for money and others -- he really loved me. He continued to just want my connection/love even after horrible fights. He's very alone. And we were always there for each other .... as friends ....and I am still obviously struggling to see FULL reality. I miss him. I guess I just miss the connection that I've had w him for years... and now I've lost both the friend and the bf (all in one).

But every night...as of late...it was him out w the boys drinking.... and him coming back and calling me at 9:30 buzzed or slurring and then taking Tylenol PM -- and then the cycle repeats.

He's a very attractive man....and I think people get super engaged with his charisma and wealthy/attractive appearance... and (like me) can't imagine that he is someone who doesn't have an extra few grand to pay me back....

December 30, 2022

1 hour ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

yes and my son is not and has not been exposed to this. But yes, I do need to stop the mental gymnastics I'm doing w bad relationships. He's a good kid and fortunately his dad and I have a great relationship after 7 years divorced now.

Our kids pick up on our beliefs and values even if they aren't a part of all the interactions. From what you've posted, your life has been immersed in negative chaos with a string of beyond terrible men, each and every one of whom has behaved like someone unfit for human company. Let your son see you making good choices for yourself.

Isn't your ex husband an abusive narcissist? If you've turned that around into a good relationship, that is an amazing feat.

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