My committed boyfriend is planning to meet a woman for a first date this afternoon.

[central]

In LDRs, there is too often a temptation to see other people since you can't be with the one you (supposedly) love. I don't do exclusive LDRs because of that, if I do them at all. And usually, it's easy to get away with seeing others if you make just a little effort. Almost always, there is someone nearby you can date who is just as good - and you can see them often.

If you're already married or engaged, then perhaps it will work if the separation period isn't too long. 

[S2B]

Well this recent guy presents as a narcissistic sociopath as well. 

[S2B]

How did this guy end up living further away?

how did he fund that when he said he had no money? If he didn’t - he got another victim to pay this time.

[NuevoYorko]

23 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

There are a couple in my inner business circle who were stunned when I told them at a very HIGH level...what I knew.  Not the nitty gritty.  They almost didn't believe me (and they may not..).

 

I doubt this.  You've already shared about the numerous people who told you things; for example how he got a divorce to protect his wife's assets, how his wife kicked him out because she found out he was now being funded by you, how he's supposed to be  a millionaire any day now,  etc.   Also you shared here how you involved some other "client" or other type of business associate in the details and this guy was supposedly counseling you on how to navigate it - while at the same time trying to bribe you with promises of riches in exchange for dating (or just sex?  I'm not remembering the details).   All of this comes from your internet "friends" in your business groups.   Frankly it sounds sketchy.  Very different from high level professional circles I'm familiar with.  No professional boundaries anywhere.

[stillafool]

23 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

Good question...it's been a few months and he has a cushy apartment that's fully furnished and it's penthouse level.... and he hasn't paid me a dime back.   

Did you ask him where he got the money to rent this cushy apartment and where's your money?  Have you given him a timeline to pay you back?

[Allupinnit]

I work for a private equity firm and NONE of my colleagues are broke to the point where they need to mooch off literally anyone should the need arise to move out of their $5 million dollar mansion.  We get Hermes gifts for Christmas.

If this guy is lying to you, lied to his wife, you can bet the farm he's lying to his LPs because nobody would commit a dollar to a fund where the guy is effing broke, that's laughable.  

What sort of focus is his industry?  I'm really curious what sort of work you've done for him now, are you a lawyer?

[howwouldiknownow22]

11 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

I work for a private equity firm and NONE of my colleagues are broke to the point where they need to mooch off literally anyone should the need arise to move out of their $5 million dollar mansion.  We get Hermes gifts for Christmas.

If this guy is lying to you, lied to his wife, you can bet the farm he's lying to his LPs because nobody would commit a dollar to a fund where the guy is effing broke, that's laughable.  

What sort of focus is his industry?  I'm really curious what sort of work you've done for him now, are you a lawyer?

I'm not a lawyer -- I run a PR firm.  And I did work for some of their early stage companies that they raised capital for.  My "ex" bf now....started a private equity fund with his partner -- and they get fees on the front end of their deals that they raise money for -- but then they get larger chunks of equity.  So from what I can tell -- they eat what they kill and it's been really hard in the past year to raise a lot due to the economy etc.  And they've only had 2 companies they've raised capital for (that I can tell) in the last 6 months.  One of them is our shared client.

When these companies (privately held) sell -- they will make a lot in the equity.  But, it's a waiting game.  Our mutual client -- he's had 7 other previous billion dollar exits and his current company ...he expects to sell in the next 12 months.  he's had offers and hasn't taken them.  I am astounded that this very seasoned and polished man can't see through the bulls*it my Ex BF was telling him...  but then again, neither did I.  

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

.  Our mutual client -- he's had 7 other previous billion dollar exits and his current company ...he expects to sell in the next 12 months.  he's had offers and hasn't taken them.  I am astounded that this very seasoned and polished man can't see through the bulls*it my Ex BF was telling him...  but then again, neither did I.  

 You're being willfully blind / naive if not outright telling tall tales to yourself and maybe others.    You've certainly re-framed, if not outright contradicted yourself on this forum.

Read your prior thread about him when he was crashing at your place.  If you and he are as mutually connected as you say, there is no way that his circumstances aren't known far and wide.   

You need to get a hold of yourself; establish some boundaries.   Stop getting personal with men in your business world.  Hang around with women.  I'm sure you'll see pretty quickly that those women, if they're successful, don't have "business connections" sleeping on their couch, footing their expenses, or trying to "lure" them into sex with money and clients.  Why?  Because they carry their boundaries with them wherever they go in their work lives.   

[howwouldiknownow22]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

 You're being willfully blind / naive if not outright telling tall tales to yourself and maybe others.    You've certainly re-framed, if not outright contradicted yourself on this forum.

Read your prior thread about him when he was crashing at your place.  If you and he are as mutually connected as you say, there is no way that his circumstances aren't known far and wide.   

You need to get a hold of yourself; establish some boundaries.   Stop getting personal with men in your business world.  Hang around with women.  I'm sure you'll see pretty quickly that those women, if they're successful, don't have "business connections" sleeping on their couch, footing their expenses, or trying to "lure" them into sex with money and clients.  Why?  Because they carry their boundaries with them wherever they go in their work lives.   

I agree with you. It's clear that I am almost gaslighting MYSELF on this.  I am making him into someone he clearly isn't...and you are right -- about my boundaries.  Now, I must say he was not my business connection...when we became romantic.  He was a client several years ago and we became friends (long distance) ..   But, your point is correct and well understood.  

[Allupinnit]

5 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I'm not a lawyer -- I run a PR firm.  And I did work for some of their early stage companies that they raised capital for.  My "ex" bf now....started a private equity fund with his partner -- and they get fees on the front end of their deals that they raise money for -- but then they get larger chunks of equity.  So from what I can tell -- they eat what they kill and it's been really hard in the past year to raise a lot due to the economy etc.  And they've only had 2 companies they've raised capital for (that I can tell) in the last 6 months.  One of them is our shared client.

When these companies (privately held) sell -- they will make a lot in the equity.  But, it's a waiting game.  Our mutual client -- he's had 7 other previous billion dollar exits and his current company ...he expects to sell in the next 12 months.  he's had offers and hasn't taken them.  I am astounded that this very seasoned and polished man can't see through the bulls*it my Ex BF was telling him...  but then again, neither did I.  

Yes I know how the exit deal works - but typically you hold a company for several yeas before a lucrative exit.  I've worked for my current firm for over five years and we haven't sold any of our portfolio companies.  We've closed on a few acquisitions that have been add-ons, rearranged their C-suite, etc.  The management fees paid from the portco to the PE partners every quarter is a huge part of their overall income, including preferred stock dividends.  He should def not be broke in the slightest, he should be rolling in it or he's the worst PE professional I've ever heard of.

It sounds to me like perhaps he works for someone like Champlain Investment Partners (not the PE Fund itself), where he was hired to make introductions from other investors to the PE firm (endowments, family funds, etc) who then in turn commit a certain amount to the Fund being raised.  Either that or he's a banker who shops companies to PE firms that are for sale.

We typically don't raise capital for just one single company to buy, but rather an entire Fund that is used to buy several companies that then fall under that Fund. 

It just seems very strange that he keeps saying "any day now" for this exit deal to close to be paid, because PE professionals don't rely on exit deals to make money and survive.  That's the VERY end game that takes many years to realize.  

 

Edited December 28, 2022 by Allupinnit

[S2B]

Either way, he relies on taking advantage of women who he can manipulate to pay his way. 
stay far away from him! Anyone he gets close to will be used and abused to provide for him. This is not a man - he’s a child who needs women to raise him!

why do you think his wife wants nothing to do with him? She was likely providing for him for years. She’s probably DONE with his crap too! 

he will find his next victim - they always do! 

[Allupinnit]

Apologies - I didn't mean to sound condescending.  

I just think that this guy is clearly full of crap and being a liar with you and his clients is just another toxic quality he has.  PE has definitely not been suffering in this market.

He's a conman and you've been swindled - this type of work attracts raging narcissists and you've been played.  I'm so sorry - I would block him everywhere and stay away from.

Take a break from men and talk to a therapist about why you keep dating the same toxic man over and over!

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I agree with you. It's clear that I am almost gaslighting MYSELF on this.  

It’s always ourselves that are complicit. You see all the red flags but ignore them because the infatuation / in love chemical high is so intoxicating. If you actually acknowledge the red flags you lose the high. And if you have a pattern beyond just this guy, you know the problem lies with you. 

[Wiseman2]

He seems like a scammer and they're more adept at superficial charm because it's a tool.

Also keep in mind that they can sense targets and prey. Give an inch take a mile is their operating procedure. So when they sense generosity or kindness, they don't think "what a nice person" like normal people do. They think "how far can I push the envelope?'

Don't beat yourself up, but do delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

At some point reflect why you got involved in this whether it was loneliness or something else.

Edited December 28, 2022 by Wiseman2

[howwouldiknownow22]

2 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Apologies - I didn't mean to sound condescending.  

I just think that this guy is clearly full of crap and being a liar with you and his clients is just another toxic quality he has.  PE has definitely not been suffering in this market.

He's a conman and you've been swindled - this type of work attracts raging narcissists and you've been played.  I'm so sorry - I would block him everywhere and stay away from.

Take a break from men and talk to a therapist about why you keep dating the same toxic man over and over!

it's true.  And you are not condescending.  I appreciate your insight.   Wish I could share more... all I know is I have attended some significant family office conferences with him and my other client and I've heard a similar story about how people in his space are struggling right now.  I guess it gave me some empathy for him at that time.

But yes I think he did a lot of damage over the years and doesn't have a reserve in the bank...and now shi* has hit the fan. 

He started this business himself with his business partner about 4 years ago after leaving Goldman Sachs.  So he has a lot of clout with contacts etc.  It doesn't seem people know the deep problems he's in.  Honestly, I may seem nuts due to these circumstances but I truly am not alone....  he puts on a very GOOD show... no one can believe what I tell them.  They think I'm the crazy one and they don't even know the depth of the details.   

And I agree w you... Need to figure this out.   No question.  

Edited December 28, 2022 by howwouldiknownow22

[S2B]

Ok, so he puts on a good show. That just tells you how skilled he is at this game he plays and also that he’s been doing it a LONG time!

it wouldn’t matter how much money he may have coming down the road - he probably owes SO MUCH to many - especially his ex wife!

but I’m certain he has a LONG list of people just like you he has mooched off of in the recent years. He’s a consistent liar! He would use it very resource you have and more if you let him!

for now, he’s found a new victim - someone else to foot his bill.

remember - every abuser needs a victim! Don’t let it be you for be more minute!

block every avenue he can contact you! IF he EVER shows up on your doorstep - slam it shut and call the police! He would only be there to use you further - don’t allow that.

[S2B]

What has his business partner say? I would think he would be expected to support half the expenses of that business. Has he been paying? Who gave that money?

[Weezy1973]

9 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

 And I agree w you... Need to figure this out.   No question.  

What exactly do you need to figure out here? Dump him. Block and delete from all personal sites and devices. Forget the 4K - consider it the cost of the lesson you learned. 

[Acacia98]

@OP, I think you have a self-destructive streak. That may explain why you keep getting drawn to this man (and have been drawn to others like him) even though you know better. And I worry that after all this back and forth, he will still find a way back into your life. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you still haven't blocked him, right? You're still leaving the door slightly open, right?

Anyway, as you've already determined, you have a serious problem. You may not want to be lonely, but you really have no business dating anybody or seeking to be in a relationship at this point in your life. You're too vulnerable to these narcissistic sociopath types, and, apparently, you are drawn to them and their drama. You're still relatively financially stable. So psychological counselling and support are within your reach. Do seek out a good therapist and start seeing them.

[IrinaM]

@howwouldiknownow22has it ever occurred to you that this story he spins is pretty much straight out of the scam artist handbook?

"I have a million dollars coming to me pretty soon, aren't you lucky, if you are willing to stand beside me and wait you can be a millionaire's wife."

"Oh no sweety! Something horrible has happened and my million dollars is trapped for some reason, i mean i'm still going to be a millionaire but the plan has been delayed for some reason."

"Can I borrow some money while I'm temporarily poor?" (at this point the mark says yes because they are hooked on the attention and also they have invested so much time and energy in building this relationship with a "millionaire.")

Isn't there a "Nigerian prince/princess" type scam that's very similar to this? Like, the con artist says that their money or property is being held by some agency and they need to pay a 10k tax or debt or something to have it released.

There's this thing called "occam's razor" (i think) that says that the most obvious explanation is probably the true explanation. Like, if you hear hoof prints, think horses, not zebras. It just seems like, to me, the most obvious explanation for this man's lifestyle is that he's legitimately broke. That explains the homelessness, especially at his age. the most obvious explanation for why he takes money from you is that taking money from women is the norm for him, probably how he survives. I just don't understand how you can think this situation can reasonably be explained by "he's about to cash in on a million dollar deal." That just seems so fanciful and unlikely.

I'm not trying to be hurtful but I'm curious-- how do you know "for a fact" that he's due this million dollars in a year or so? How do you or your sources know for certain that he holds certain assets which will sell?

[howwouldiknownow22]

4 hours ago, IrinaM said:

@howwouldiknownow22has it ever occurred to you that this story he spins is pretty much straight out of the scam artist handbook?

"I have a million dollars coming to me pretty soon, aren't you lucky, if you are willing to stand beside me and wait you can be a millionaire's wife."

"Oh no sweety! Something horrible has happened and my million dollars is trapped for some reason, i mean i'm still going to be a millionaire but the plan has been delayed for some reason."

"Can I borrow some money while I'm temporarily poor?" (at this point the mark says yes because they are hooked on the attention and also they have invested so much time and energy in building this relationship with a "millionaire.")

Isn't there a "Nigerian prince/princess" type scam that's very similar to this? Like, the con artist says that their money or property is being held by some agency and they need to pay a 10k tax or debt or something to have it released.

There's this thing called "occam's razor" (i think) that says that the most obvious explanation is probably the true explanation. Like, if you hear hoof prints, think horses, not zebras. It just seems like, to me, the most obvious explanation for this man's lifestyle is that he's legitimately broke. That explains the homelessness, especially at his age. the most obvious explanation for why he takes money from you is that taking money from women is the norm for him, probably how he survives. I just don't understand how you can think this situation can reasonably be explained by "he's about to cash in on a million dollar deal." That just seems so fanciful and unlikely.

I'm not trying to be hurtful but I'm curious-- how do you know "for a fact" that he's due this million dollars in a year or so? How do you or your sources know for certain that he holds certain assets which will sell?

The money that he WILL get really isn't the issue here -- I think it only helped me justify my belief in him.  The reason I know for a fact is that one of the companies that he has large equity in -- is MY client.  And we share this client so I am privy to the conversations about exit plans and how much money he raised for that company/CEO.

I know the CEO plans to sell the company in a year or 18 months.  So that's how I have a full understanding.  And this isn't the only company that has significant equity in -- but of course, it's just a matter of time that those companies sell or go through a merger.

The real issue is that he is a mess.  And even when he gets the money -- that won't necessarily change his behavior of partying, drinking, and attempting to cheat or full on cheating!  

I have now blocked him but yesterday he was texting me and apologizing and begging me to fly to his city for NYE.  he said he misses me and loves me etc...and never meant to hurt me. (I told him that I knew he was trying to meet that woman and that she was my friend).  He said that he realizes he hurt me and he's deeply sorry. That he's been struggling so much financially and that he's just in a downward spiral. He says he misses me etc.

Why did I finally get the guts to block him?   Well during these texts -- I told him no.  That I can't trust him.  That I'd like him to pay me my money back and he said he can't afford to right now.  I said but you can afford to party it up for NYE?  And you want ME to pay my own plane fare to YOUR city so YOU can have fun with me?   I said no.  Not going to happen.

He then said "I knew you were vindictive but I expected more from you.  Someone stronger than a coward"

That was it.   I said he can go to hell and I blocked him.   

It's tough.  I think it's almost like removing the nail from your foot.  Even though it hurt while it's there -- it's still a strange sensation that it's gone. 

But-- it was time.  Far over due.  

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

That I'd like him to pay me my money back and he said he can't afford to right now.  I said but you can afford to party it up for NYE?  And you want ME to pay my own plane fare to YOUR city so YOU can have fun with me?

Yet he can afford a cushy, fully furnished apartment  and a NYE trip to NY but also can't pay your way for that.  This guy is a scammer and a user.  Of course he's talking to other women and not just your friend.  He knows his scams with women only last so long so he has to always have a new one ready when his current one drops him.  He expects and sees it coming.  The good thing is he's aging out of his ability to con women and then what will he do.

[howwouldiknownow22]

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yet he can afford a cushy, fully furnished apartment  and a NYE trip to NY but also can't pay your way for that.  This guy is a scammer and a user.  Of course he's talking to other women and not just your friend.  He knows his scams with women only last so long so he has to always have a new one ready when his current one drops him.  He expects and sees it coming.  The good thing is he's aging out of his ability to con women and then what will he do.

The fact that he called me a coward -- wow.  He goes from loving me -- apologizing -- begging me to come visit him -- to retaliating against me and calling me a coward and mocking the city I live in.   He's a peach.  

[S2B]

27 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

The fact that he called me a coward -- wow.  He goes from loving me -- apologizing -- begging me to come visit him -- to retaliating against me and calling me a coward and mocking the city I live in.   He's a peach.  

why don’t you see it?

he wasn’t asking you to go out on NYE… he was asking you to come close to him so he can get more money off of you!

ANY time he’s communicating with you - his end game is money from you!

if he’s talking/texting/emailing = he’s finding a way to use you! 

YOU keep responding? Why? You know the outcome. The outcome is he gets money by sweet talking you with lies! 

do NOT a respond to anything he says! Even if he’s on fire - don’t believe him. He’s a liar and a thief dressed up like a nice looking guy who knows what to tell you to get money from you.

he’s a scam - he’s a jerk - he’s a thief 

he’s been consistent - see what’s there - his words mean NOTHING.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

   I said he can go to hell and I blocked him. 

Bravo! You made the right call. You'll be so much freer and happier without this conartist lurking around.