My committed boyfriend is planning to meet a woman for a first date this afternoon.

[Allupinnit]

Not to keep harping on the PE thing but, I don't know a single solitary PE professional who is financially stressed.  What he's telling you about finally having money after the exit is a lie.  YES he will get paid obviously, but it's not like that is the only source of income for an investment banker or PE principal.  Percentage of assets, management fees, his salary itself - he could earn a million a year on those payouts alone without a single exit for several years (typically 4-7 for each portco). 

Maybe his wife has completely cut him off from their assets because she doesn't trust him with his toying around in fancy hotels partying with other women, racking up credit card debt (since his gets declined on these dates).  That is the likely story.  He probably has a LOT of cash assets that his wife is trying to protect from him with her family in mind.  He just figures she won't be able to touch the windfall of money he will get from a future exit and has put all of his eggs in that basket.

Wait a second... I think I remember you!  Is this the same guy that claimed to live with his mother you could never meet, but wanted to go spend 2 weeks in Vegas after you confronted him?  The same long-distance boyfriend who binge drinks and tried to shove a gummy in your mouth?  The same long distance boyfriend you posted about last year whose family you reached out to about his cheating?  

This man needs to go to rehab at the very least.  If these are in fact all different but horrible men you date long-distance, please, PLEASE find out why you continue to be used by men this way.  You have to take responsibility for being the common denominator in all of these threads.

 

 

[BrinnM]

4 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I told him that I knew he was trying to meet that woman and that she was my friend

Noooo - you promised you wouldn’t do this. You admitted to setting him up. Ugh. Now he’ll be vindictive. He already called you a coward after this. Brace yourself for more, for I believe he’s not well. 

[S2B]

I still don’t understand why you chose the title that:

you are in a committed relationship…

when YOU knew he made plans to see your friend

you knew he was a blatant liar and a user - yet you still chose to type that he was committed to you.

are you sure you are capable of processing the reality of who his IS against who he says he was?

[howwouldiknownow22]

6 minutes ago, S2B said:

I still don’t understand why you chose the title that:

you are in a committed relationship…

when YOU knew he made plans to see your friend

you knew he was a blatant liar and a user - yet you still chose to type that he was committed to you.

are you sure you are capable of processing the reality of who his IS against who he says he was?

No.  I don't think I'm doing that very well at all.  I'm still in denial.  And I STILL struggle to accept the reality.  

But I hope that it will get easier as time passes.   I titled it that way because we literally had the conversation THAT day about being committed to each other -- and he promised that he was.  Obviously, his actions proved otherwise.  But, for all intents and purposes... it was my belief that we were not dating other people.  

[S2B]

Look into that denial - help yourself by working with a professional.

given his history, lies and stealing from you - why would YOU even consider anything with this liar, user, thief? Anytime his lips move he is lying. 
 

you knew that with overwhelming evidence - yet you specifically chose to go back for more abuse.

the solution is for you to get LONG term intensive therapy so you begin to choose opposite in men for your future.

AND - take action! File a small claims lawsuit for the money he owes you! If nothing else it puts some public info out into the world so there is a paper trail on this loser!

IF you get a judgement - that’s great - when he eventually (may) get money - the court will have you as a person who receives funds when money comes his way.

it’s a long term plan - but at least you would be taking action against someone doing you wrong!

Edited December 29, 2022 by S2B

[stillafool]

52 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I titled it that way because we literally had the conversation THAT day about being committed to each other -- and he promised that he was.

But you knew he had a history of cheating on his wife.  What made you think this broke loser was a good choice?  I agree with S2B about filing a claim to get your money back eventually.  Given your history with this guy, the gummy bears, having a guy on speed dial to join him in sex with you, borrowing money from you he never had any intentions of repaying; he has done nothing but disrespect you at every level.  What in the world is it about this guy that has you so smitten with him?

[howwouldiknownow22]

49 minutes ago, stillafool said:

But you knew he had a history of cheating on his wife.  What made you think this broke loser was a good choice?  I agree with S2B about filing a claim to get your money back eventually.  Given your history with this guy, the gummy bears, having a guy on speed dial to join him in sex with you, borrowing money from you he never had any intentions of repaying; he has done nothing but disrespect you at every level.  What in the world is it about this guy that has you so smitten with him?

No -- this guy didn't do any of those things.  Unfortunatley, that was my last relationship.  It was over a year ago.  He was the one who revealed after 6 months in...tht he wanted me to have sex with another man so he could watch. ughhh...I've really struck out w guys lately.  

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

No -- this guy didn't do any of those things.  Unfortunatley, that was my last relationship.  It was over a year ago.  He was the one who revealed after 6 months in...tht he wanted me to have sex with another man so he could watch. ughhh...I've really struck out w guys lately.  

Sorry I mixed up the 2 but they both sound the same.  Why do you go for these type of men?  You sound like a very intelligent lady and I'm just perplexed as to why you'd accept this behavior.

[NuevoYorko]

18 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

You're still relatively financially stable. So psychological counselling and support are within your reach. Do seek out a good therapist and start seeing them.

And you have a teenaged son still living with you at least part time, right?   You really need to stabilize yourself.

[howwouldiknownow22]

38 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

And you have a teenaged son still living with you at least part time, right?   You really need to stabilize yourself.

yes and my son is not and has not been exposed to this.  But yes, I do need to stop the mental gymnastics I'm doing w bad relationships.  He's a good kid and fortunately his dad and I have a great relationship after 7 years divorced now. 

[BrinnM]

I think you would do great being single! Not everybody needs to be in a relationship. I don’t know where this myth is coming from anyway, and you’re the best example why seeking out a relationship for the sake of having a relationship can be a seriously bad idea. I think being a great role model of independence and strength for your kid(s) is one of the best things you can accomplish in your life. 

[howwouldiknownow22]

53 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

I think you would do great being single! Not everybody needs to be in a relationship. I don’t know where this myth is coming from anyway, and you’re the best example why seeking out a relationship for the sake of having a relationship can be a seriously bad idea. I think being a great role model of independence and strength for your kid(s) is one of the best things you can accomplish in your life. 

I have been single... quite awhile...this last relationship was short and very off and on - as you can see from my post.

before that..... I really didn't date much since the intense situation with the LAST 9 month relationship I had with the guy who surprised me with wanting to watch me have sex w another man....   Gosh that relationship at its beginning was really good.... he had a lot of great qualities and he really didn't display the red flags for quite a while.  And I think we both moved quickly in the beginning because we had so much professionally and personally in common.   

It's a shame....   I do want a relationship. And I truly miss my "friend" aka the recent ex bf.   I know I probably sound insane by saying this but I think while he's def abused me for money and others -- he really loved me.   He continued to just want my connection/love even after horrible fights.  He's very alone.   And we were always there for each other .... as friends ....and I am still obviously struggling to see FULL reality.   I miss him.   I guess I just miss the connection that I've had w him for years... and now I've lost both the friend and the bf (all in one).

But every night...as of late...it was him out w the boys drinking.... and him coming back and calling me at 9:30 buzzed or slurring and then taking Tylenol PM -- and then the cycle repeats.

He's a very attractive man....and I think people get super engaged with his charisma and wealthy/attractive appearance... and (like me) can't imagine that he is someone who doesn't have an extra few grand to pay me back.... 

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

yes and my son is not and has not been exposed to this.  But yes, I do need to stop the mental gymnastics I'm doing w bad relationships.  He's a good kid and fortunately his dad and I have a great relationship after 7 years divorced now. 

Our kids pick up on our beliefs and values even if they aren't a part of all the interactions.  From what you've posted, your life has been immersed in negative chaos with a string of beyond terrible men, each and every one of whom has behaved like someone unfit for human company.   Let your son see you making good choices for yourself. 

Isn't your ex husband an abusive narcissist?   If you've turned that around into a good relationship, that is an amazing feat.  

[NuevoYorko]

37 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

 And I truly miss my "friend" aka the recent ex bf.   I know I probably sound insane by saying this but I think while he's def abused me for money and others -- he really loved me.   He continued to just want my connection/love even after horrible fights.  He's very alone.   And we were always there for each other .... as friends ....and I am still obviously struggling to see FULL reality.   I miss him.   I guess I just miss the connection that I've had w him for years... and now I've lost both the friend and the bf (all in one).

 

Tough love time.  You really need to stop this.  Someone on this thread recently laid it out for you:  He is giving you the "connection" crap because that is bait for you.  You have been very reliable to do and give anything to this guy when he pushes the right buttons, which he knows by heart.   He would be shooting himself in the foot to break the "connection."  

He absolutely has other women with the same attachment to him that you have.  He wasn't trying to date your friend because she's just so beautiful or whatever that he was unable to resist - if he connects with a woman he will do what "works" for him - reel her in so he can call on her when an "old standby" like you have proven to be is on a break from giving him $$$$, a place to live or whatever.

Look back at your thread prior to this one about this guy.  You are describing a BAD PERSON.   And there is nothing about "love" in the entire thread.  He simply used you and when he could get no more, he verbally abused you.  He was only out of the picture for a short time though ... 

You're not doing yourself any favors by painting whatever you had going on with this man as a friendship or any kind of love.   

[S2B]

Guys like this (conmen) are skilled at making sure there are plenty of gals to provide him with what he needs.

all he has to do is to say the right things after listening closely to your weak areas - then he uses those weak areas to prey upon your kind nature. Every abuser needs a victim! That’s why they always have a long line of who they plan to use.

stop being his willing victim! He will use you every time you allow it! The ONLY way to stop this madness is to cut off all contact and stay away from ever speaking to him again! Have you done a back ground check yet? I bet he has others who may have lawsuits against him. $50 gets you that info.

he’s not interested n love - he’s interested in you opening your wallet when he makes the gal mad that’s paying his way right now! And he will come back and ask again - and again - and again. It’s up to YOU to protect yourself! This is money for your son you keep giving this loser!

lead by example for your son. Kids know when mom is upset or off. Just eliminate the chaos (the jerk) and let time go by without the drama.

and you REALLY need an emergency appointment with a skilled trauma counselor. You seem to invite this chaos into your life like you need it to feel normal. It’s not normal.

hunker down, gets things to be calm and peaceful in your life by making sure anyone with drama stays far far away from you. 

even from the beginning (with any guy like him) that dumps his problems into you the answer should be “sorry to hear that - I know you’ll figure out a solution on your own”. 

if that doesn’t work simply say “I can’t solve your problems - I’m trying to handle my own!”

 

[Weezy1973]

9 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I've really struck out w guys lately.  

Perhaps it’s because you’re only interested in superficial qualities instead of deeper qualities like character, and honesty and integrity. Question. Are the types of men you choose the kind of man you want your son to become? 

[glows]

4 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I do want a relationship.

That’s fine, OP. Many people want that. The issue is recognizing when someone is up to no good and not sacrificing your own well-being in the process.

 

Edited December 30, 2022 by glows

[howwouldiknownow22]

7 hours ago, glows said:

That’s fine, OP. Many people want that. The issue is recognizing when someone is up to no good and not sacrificing your own well-being in the process.

 

I know -- I think my biggest issue is I like to gravitate to the "connection" as mentioned in this thread.  We have known each for so long and share a lot in common professionally, but we have both lost our families to tragic early deaths.  And he feels like an 'orphan' given that he has no family left -- and I understand that feeling, as well.  So we have shared so much about that over the past couple of years.  I am STILL trying to wrestle with accepting that even though he may have had these tragedies or issues as of late -- that doesn't give him permission to blatantly lie to me and/or cheat on me. 

[S2B]

56 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I know -- I think my biggest issue is I like to gravitate to the "connection" as mentioned in this thread.  We have known each for so long and share a lot in common professionally, but we have both lost our families to tragic early deaths.  And he feels like an 'orphan' given that he has no family left -- and I understand that feeling, as well.  So we have shared so much about that over the past couple of years.  I am STILL trying to wrestle with accepting that even though he may have had these tragedies or issues as of late -- that doesn't give him permission to blatantly lie to me and/or cheat on me. 

You really have NO idea what is real or made up from his end. This type of guy LIES about everything! 

the “connection” was a fantasy based on the fact that he lies.

and that is what you need to mentally wrestle through with a trauma counselor.

otherwise you will just choose the same way again and again.

also look into why you have a need to rescue ANYONE. A healthy person would be capable of providing for themself.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

we have both lost our families to tragic early deaths.  And he feels like an 'orphan' given that he has no family left -- and I understand that feeling, as well.  

We've all lost family members to deaths and no matter how old they are when they go, to us it's too soon.  Still you have family because you have a child.  He also has children doesn't he?  That is no reason to be bothered with this man.  You say you share a lot in common professionally and I just hope you handle your business affairs better than him and if so stop comparing yourself to him.

[S2B]

I notice you respond to posts that focus on how to get you a relationship. 
but not the posts that suggest you doing the work on yourself first.

do you even plan to address the issue? The issue is you. You are the one who is capable of changing yourself. The things you decided to do have nothing to do with him - those are on you.

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

 We have known each for so long and share a lot in common professionally, but we have both lost our families to tragic early deaths.  And he feels like an 'orphan' given that he has no family left -- and I understand that feeling, as well.  So we have shared so much about that over the past couple of years.  

You already posted in an earlier thread that you and he were ONLINE acquaintances through your work.  Since you're here on LS, you can find dozens or even hundreds of posts from women who get these earth-shattering "connections" with online "boyfriends."  Follow the threads.  What happens?   Something bad.  EVERY TIME.   Of course there are the few that don't end badly, and naturally those women are not on LS looking for help with the damage caused by their complete buy-in to FALSE INTIMACY developed by a "connection" that existed online.

Please get it through your head.  A marginally skilled con type of person can create this false intimacy any time they want with anyone, as long as in person interactions are not required.   Have you not heard of catfishing?  Do you know about "Nigerian scams" and how successful these people can be?   

Your guy is on the same page as these.  I don't even believe any of the stories about how well respected he is in your business world, but I can't prove it so I will take your word. Keep in mind that the qualities of a salesperson are important in that work.  Those qualities are the same as what a con uses - only the con person is using them for bad.   That aside, he is cultivating the "deep connections"  at all times with women, and he has others on call to meet his needs.  They think they are special to him just like you do.  

If your story here is accurate, when you kicked him out last month (and he showed you he had $50 to his name, you gave him $400, etc.) he miraculously moved to a far away state and "got back on his feet."   In LESS THAN A MONTH.

Somebody paid for that.  

[howwouldiknownow22]

6 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

You already posted in an earlier thread that you and he were ONLINE acquaintances through your work.  Since you're here on LS, you can find dozens or even hundreds of posts from women who get these earth-shattering "connections" with online "boyfriends."  Follow the threads.  What happens?   Something bad.  EVERY TIME.   Of course there are the few that don't end badly, and naturally those women are not on LS looking for help with the damage caused by their complete buy-in to FALSE INTIMACY developed by a "connection" that existed online.

Please get it through your head.  A marginally skilled con type of person can create this false intimacy any time they want with anyone, as long as in person interactions are not required.   Have you not heard of catfishing?  Do you know about "Nigerian scams" and how successful these people can be?   

Your guy is on the same page as these.  I don't even believe any of the stories about how well respected he is in your business world, but I can't prove it so I will take your word. Keep in mind that the qualities of a salesperson are important in that work.  Those qualities are the same as what a con uses - only the con person is using them for bad.   That aside, he is cultivating the "deep connections"  at all times with women, and he has others on call to meet his needs.  They think they are special to him just like you do.  

If your story here is accurate, when you kicked him out last month (and he showed you he had $50 to his name, you gave him $400, etc.) he miraculously moved to a far away state and "got back on his feet."   In LESS THAN A MONTH.

Somebody paid for that.  

Yes -- He did something I think is quite shady, and that is somehow the landlord allowed him to put the furnished condo in their company name.  To my knowledge they did not put it directly in his name because he has no credit (as I'm told).  

And while we were long distance friends -- he was initially my client for 3 months.  And then I would see him quarterly at business mastermind events and I even met his wife once or twice at these events.  

I have met his business partners in person and I have been on zoom calls with all of them etc.  So, I realize he was taking me for a ride -- but he isn't smoke and mirrors like a Nigerian scam.    

I agree 1000 percent that he is a good salesman/showman.  And our mutual client who personally told me how much he likes my ex bf -- told me that his strength is in the charisma he brings to the table or happy hour.  And this guy is an extremely successful businessman, himself.  But, he is looking at my ex bf and his business parter as nothing but a bolt on sales crew to raise capital.  

But, it shows that even a seasoned entrepreneur can be impressed by him and his expensive clothes and gift of gab.   Makes me feel a bit less stupid.  

[howwouldiknownow22]

55 minutes ago, stillafool said:

We've all lost family members to deaths and no matter how old they are when they go, to us it's too soon.  Still you have family because you have a child.  He also has children doesn't he?  That is no reason to be bothered with this man.  You say you share a lot in common professionally and I just hope you handle your business affairs better than him and if so stop comparing yourself to him.

Yes -- I do.  I am certainly not someone who has screwed up my business like he has...that's for sure.  

No, he doesn't have any children.  He said they tried IVF but his ex wife never got pregnant and when I put the pieces together I think they stopped trying and he began a "relationship" aka affair with another woman in another state. 

He said that his ex was cold and never wanted to have sex etc.  And that is why he strayed.  

Now, from what I can tell -- I think he will stray the minute the wind blows.  

[S2B]

Do you find it odd that a “man” says he has no credit history?

I mean really, my kids had established a credit history by the time they were 22!

and I wish you would stop referring to him as a “salesman/showman” - he’s a jerk, a conman and a blatant thief!

call him what he is. Salesmen sell something to EARN a living! He isn’t that!