My brother is devastated, is his reaction normal?

[Rosie349]

My older 25 year-old brother recently was given the news of testicular azoospermia. This means his testicles are abnormal and can't produce sperm. It's caused by birth defect but he never knew about it till now. He buried his head in his shirt and started crying. As his sister trying to cheer him up, I've listed the benefits such as no longer worrying about paying child support, a girlfriend babytrapping him by poking holes on condoms, accidental pregnancies, etc. I tried emphasizing that he can treat this as a blessing, how very lucky he is not to deal with any of that, no more responsibilities nor child support to worry. He got upset and just said ''get out, just get out''.

Usually we're the ones pushing for kids and marriage; most of the times it's the woman's idea. So it was shocking to see him so devastated over his infertile issue. I think my comments might have been overboard. I was trying to point out towards the bright side of things. I've never seen a man crying over that. Is his reaction normal? Is he going to be ok at some point? He doesn't want to speak to anyone at this moment.

Edited December 27, 2022 by Rosie349

[MsJayne]

Would you like it if you found out you could never have children and your brother started saying things like, "Just think, you'll never have to change a nappy, you don't have to worry about contraception....",  I doubt it, you'd probably think your brother was an insensitive pig.  Please look up the word "empathy" and give it a bit of thought. Meantime, maybe apologise to your brother because your behaviour was just awful. 

[NuevoYorko]

If you see someone crying as a result of some news they received or something that happened, the empathetic and kind approach is to try to come from a place of understanding their pain - not invalidating their feelings by trying to show them that they should actually be feeling happy instead of the way they actually are feeling.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

If you see someone crying as a result of some news they received or something that happened, the empathetic and kind approach is to try to come from a place of understanding their pain - not invalidating their feelings by trying to show them that they should actually be feeling happy instead of the way they actually are feeling.

Very try true. Your attempt to help by listing the benefits dismissed his pain and loss. 

Indeed, it would have been much kinder OP had just just given him a hug and told him that you were very sorry. I think most people would be pretty devistated to get this kind of news. 

[ShyViolet]

It's no one else's place to say how he "should" feel about this or what the "normal" reaction would be.  He feels how he feels.  And any person who cares about him should just let him know that you are there to support him.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Rosie349 said:

 I've listed the benefits such as no longer worrying about paying child support, accidental pregnancies, etc. I tried emphasizing that he can treat this as a blessing, 

Let him be and process this information. Don't try to "cheer him up".

[Atwood]

I understand you were trying to look on the bright side and skip to the part where he heals. Unfortunately, it isn't that easy and comments like yours are actually pretty invalidating and insensitive. Try to recognise that your comments are probably motivated by your desire to move away from the discomfort of big feelings rather than what's best for your brother.

His reaction is very understandable. When he's ready to talk, I would advise apologising for what you said. 

[Lotsgoingon]

To offer a bright side was not helpful to him. That's OK. You didn't permanently wound him. And no need to feel guilty.  The best response would have been to hug him and cry alongside him. And just tell him you love him. And rub his shoulder, pat his shoulder and so on.  

The way people recover from a devastating diagnosis is not through magic or pretend-away (look on the bright side). They recover through solidarity and warmth and love and support.  Literally, you could have just hugged him and cried with him. And just repeated, "I'm so sorry." That way, he feels his sister's love and with that love he ultimately will feel strong to go out and live and make the most out of his life. 

This was literally an existentially devastating health announcement. He will  be building his new world and hope over years! It's quite likely this condition/diagnosis will always haunt him. Doesn't mean it will destroy, but it will haunt him. He's also feeling terrified right now. Will anyone woman want him? Is he just a freak of nature of some kind? Those are the thoughts going through his mind--which is why he simply needs love and warmth! 

When people his age say they don't want to have kids, they know they are not making a permanent decision not to have kids. They often mean I don't want to right now think about having kids. This condition means he can NEVER have kids (at least with the current state of medicine). That's very different. A friend of mine had early onset menopause--at like age 31. Devastating. She wasn't sure she wanted to have kids, but that condition removed the decision.

There is also in diagnoses like these, a psychological struggle and wound. Very normal for your brother to now question his manhood, just as my friend questioned her womanhood. That psychological wound is real even if intellectually you can accept that you're a man or woman as masculine or feminine as anyone else.  

He needs to cry and be devastated and know that you will be there. And he'll recover. He's not going to jump out the window because of this diagnosis. Sadness is a part of life. We all will experience deep episodes of sadness and disappointment and if you don't grieve and sorta accept it then you don't really get past the sadness. If you block  experiencing sadness, you will also block experiencing joy on the other side. Make sure your anxiety over sadness, your fear, doesn't block him from experiencing all the sadness he needs to feel. 

Now depression--prolonged hopelessness over months for example--is different from sadness.  He might feel depressed for sure along with sad.  If in a year, he's not leaving house, then you push him to go get treatment for the depression you with me. But if for the next weeks for example, he cries every day--that's actually healthy and normal and unavoidable. Just listen to what he says and hug him. Maybe you can google sadness vs. depression. Blocking sadness is incredibly destructive (trying to be positive too early is blocking sadness). 

Unfortunately I've had to deal with multiple family members getting devastating diagnoses at a young age and so I did learn how to respond in situations like this. But I still find it hard. A good friend of mine just got diagnosed with a fast-moving cancer. She's a researcher and the condition is not good. Odds of long term survival not good. None of her friends are pretending this is easy or will be overcome. We're helping her feel loved even with her condition. 

Now to the good news. Just your presence is the bright side. Just you asking him to the movies, to dinner, for walks--whatever--all of that IS the bright side. Just you giinv him room to cry and feel sad (even out in public) is the bright side. Just that you're here asking about how to support him and if he's ok--all of that is the bright side that he will FEEL. That's why you don't need "bright side" words. Your love is deeper than the words. 

 

[glows]

On 12/27/2022 at 12:23 PM, Rosie349 said:

My older 25 year-old brother recently was given the news of testicular azoospermia. This means his testicles are abnormal and can't produce sperm. It's caused by birth defect but he never knew about it till now. He buried his head in his shirt and started crying. As his sister trying to cheer him up, I've listed the benefits such as no longer worrying about paying child support, a girlfriend babytrapping him by poking holes on condoms, accidental pregnancies, etc. I tried emphasizing that he can treat this as a blessing, how very lucky he is not to deal with any of that, no more responsibilities nor child support to worry. He got upset and just said ''get out, just get out''.

Usually we're the ones pushing for kids and marriage; most of the times it's the woman's idea. So it was shocking to see him so devastated over his infertile issue. I think my comments might have been overboard. I was trying to point out towards the bright side of things. I've never seen a man crying over that. Is his reaction normal? Is he going to be ok at some point? He doesn't want to speak to anyone at this moment.

He needs time to process what this means. He’s only 25 and you mentioned he’s older so you too are quite young. I’m sure he understands you’re supportive but all those advantages listed don’t negate the fact that he cannot have children. This is a devastating blow to most people. Whether you understand it or not is besides the point. Just be there and be a good listener. Say less, listen more or just hang out and treat him just the same.

[Rosie349]

On 12/27/2022 at 4:15 PM, MsJayne said:

Would you like it if you found out you could never have children and your brother started saying things like, "Just think, you'll never have to change a nappy, you don't have to worry about contraception....",  I doubt it, you'd probably think your brother was an insensitive pig.  Please look up the word "empathy" and give it a bit of thought. Meantime, maybe apologise to your brother because your behaviour was just awful. 

You're right. I haven't thought about it that way. I would feel terrible as a woman if I couldn't have kids even at a normal age. I never thought a man gets just as devastated too. I didn't mean to come off as insensitive. In my ignorance, I was trying to help him. I've giving him space at this moment. He doesn't feel like talking yet.

[Rosie349]

Yes glows, I'm 21 years old. I've apologized to him about the comments and informed him that my parents and I are there for him. He expressed that he just wants to be left alone for the moment because the news is still fresh for him. He feels as if he was robbed out of choice in life. He did wanted kids at some point and needs time to process the trauma. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Give him some space, but you can ask him out for dinner or coffee and so on. At some point it helps to actually just ask out the grieving person. You can also send him some of his favorite food and so on. At some point you want him to know he can cry while with you guys. He doesn't need to wait til he feels great to hang with people. And when you do go out with him, you can gently ask, "How you doing?"

BTW: no need to feel bad about your initial response. Our society does a terrible job helping people understand how to respond to a grieving friend or family member. 

What he is experiencing right now is like the equivalent of a death of a good friend.