Is this a normal thing for a booty call to say?

[Alpacalia]

I agree that it doesn't seem as though you know what you want.

If this were strictly casual for you his lack of contact would barely register as a blip on your radar.

Sometimes we think we can handle things like this, and then we realize we have feelings, and can’t. And that is okay. That is actually good that you are bothered by this.

Your desire to keep it strictly casual already played you against yourself; in thinking you were alright with it.

Edited January 5, 2023 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, Hpchic said:

Ok let me clarify, we’ve only seen each other 5 times and 3 of those times were actual dates.  The fourth time he came over, it was late and we got right to it (at my urging, but it was late and I had to get up early the next day).  The last time it was the coldest day of the year so we decided we would stay in.  I went over to his place and we did hang out, have wine and chat for a while.  

 

Oh.  So out of the 5 times you've seen this guy, 4 of them were basically traditional dates.  

Then you switched to being his "booty call" and you started a thread about him saying you could do something besides sex.

But ... you did something besides sex 4 out of 5 times you've seen him.

How did you get from dating, whether it was casual or whatever, to straight-up booty call?  Whose idea was it? 

[Hpchic]

38 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Oh.  So out of the 5 times you've seen this guy, 4 of them were basically traditional dates.  

Then you switched to being his "booty call" and you started a thread about him saying you could do something besides sex.

But ... you did something besides sex 4 out of 5 times you've seen him.

How did you get from dating, whether it was casual or whatever, to straight-up booty call?  Whose idea was it? 

To me casual, FWB, booty call is all interchangeable.  Call it whatever you want, bottom line is it’s not serious nor does it have the potential to be.  He and I never actually discussed this other than what he said last time I saw him.  

 

Edited January 5, 2023 by Hpchic

[NuevoYorko]

2 minutes ago, Hpchic said:

To me casual, FWB, booty call is all interchangeable.  Call it whatever you want, bottom line is it’s not serious nor does it have the potential to be.  He and I never actually discussed this other than what he said last time I saw him.  

 

Okay.  Then why were you needing help figuring out why he suggested you could do some things besides "booty call" sex?  You literally were already dating.  

I am very confused.  I bet he is too.  

 

 

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, Hpchic said:

To me casual, FWB, booty call is all interchangeable.  Call it whatever you want, bottom line is it’s not serious nor does it have the potential to be.  

The bolded is incorrect.  It's not uncommon for people to develop feelings for their casual sex partner.  Sometimes it's one sided and sometimes it's mutual and something comes of it. And because of the complications of feelings, it's also not uncommon for people to end up hurt as a result of their casual sex arrangements.  We see it here all the time

I'm not suggesting that this will necessarily happen to you, but you're naïve if you think that there will never be a chance of a FWB turning into more just because they orginially agreed that it wouldn't happen.   

[NuevoYorko]

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

you're naïve if you think that there will never be a chance of a FWB turning into more just because they orginially agreed that it wouldn't happen.   

Also, unfortunately, it seems to turn into more for just one of the involved people.  

[Hpchic]

15 minutes ago, basil67 said:

The bolded is incorrect.  It's not uncommon for people to develop feelings for their casual sex partner.  Sometimes it's one sided and sometimes it's mutual and something comes of it. And because of the complications of feelings, it's also not uncommon for people to end up hurt as a result of their casual sex arrangements.  We see it here all the time

I'm not suggesting that this will necessarily happen to you, but you're naïve if you think that there will never be a chance of a FWB turning into more just because they orginially agreed that it wouldn't happen.   

I’m saying it won’t turn into more because it can’t.  He has issues that are dealbreakers for me, there is no future for us other than casual or whatever anyone wants to call it.  While I haven’t explicitly told him this, I have told him I am uncomfortable with said issues.

Edited January 5, 2023 by Hpchic

[Alpacalia]

He has dealbreakers. There is no future.

So what reason are you bothered that he didn't text you happy new year? Because he may have chosen to be out with different company?

Not that I'm downplaying your disappointment. It just seems to be a bit miniscule in the grand scheme of things. 

If you truly are okay with just the sex then let the no NYE text slide. But your post reads very much like you're not okay with just having no strings attached sex with this guy. It seems like you wanted more, you suspected he didn't, and you're talking yourself out of wanting more by focusing on whatever deal breakers he has.

Either way you're going to have to let this one go. He made other plans for NYE and chose not to text you.

Don't know if this is a positive in your book but there's a good chance he'll contact you again.

 

 

 

[basil67]

37 minutes ago, Hpchic said:

I’m saying it won’t turn into more because it can’t.  He has issues that are dealbreakers for me, there is no future for us other than casual or whatever anyone wants to call it.  While I haven’t explicitly told him this, I have told him I am uncomfortable with said issues.

Ah, so you were referring to THIS guy and not casual sex partners in general.   I getcha.

But if it's only casual, why would you care about him not sending a HNY greeting?  

[Hpchic]

31 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

He has dealbreakers. There is no future.

So what reason are you bothered that he didn't text you happy new year? Because he may have chosen to be out with different company?

Not that I'm downplaying your disappointment. It just seems to be a bit miniscule in the grand scheme of things. 

If you truly are okay with just the sex then let the no NYE text slide. But your post reads very much like you're not okay with just having no strings attached sex with this guy. It seems like you wanted more, you suspected he didn't, and you're talking yourself out of wanting more by focusing on whatever deal breakers he has.

Either way you're going to have to let this one go. He made other plans for NYE and chose not to text you.

Don't know if this is a positive in your book but there's a good chance he'll contact you again.

 

 

 

On our first date he told me about his issue and that’s when I knew there was no future so it had nothing to do with me wanting more and him not.  This was some thing I knew from the very beginning.  I debated whether or not to see him again after our first date but I figured if we kept it casual, it would be OK.  I honestly never expected to have New Year’s Eve plans with him so that’s not an issue. I understand the lack of text is not a big deal given our dynamic, it did bother me, but I will let it go.

[Hpchic]

27 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Ah, so you were referring to THIS guy and not casual sex partners in general.   I getcha.

But if it's only casual, why would you care about him not sending a HNY greeting?  

Because I thought, even being casual, you can wish that person a happy new year

[basil67]

52 minutes ago, Hpchic said:

Because I thought, even being casual, you can wish that person a happy new year

Sure, he *can* send one, but why would he?   You have already told him there's no future, so you're really just a meaningless hookup for him.

Edited January 5, 2023 by basil67

[NuevoYorko]

46 minutes ago, Hpchic said:

Because I thought, even being casual, you can wish that person a happy new year

It's not really a question of "casual" or not casual.  The person has to be important to you and ON YOUR MIND.  A "booty call" person is not on anybody's mind except when they are in the mood for the booty call.  That's the only role they play in each others' lives.

Seriously ... you said you do NOT want to do anything at all with him except have sex, when he suggested that.  That's the whole point of this thread.  So why are you complaining about a text that would show you that he's thinking about you on New Year's Eve instead of having fun with his actual friends or maybe even a woman?

Sorry I sound cranky but this really sounds disingenuous.  

[basil67]

This ^^

You're shagging someone you don't care about, but are bothered by lack of a meaningless HNY text.  If you don't care about him, why care about a text?

Edited January 5, 2023 by basil67
left a word out

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Hpchic said:

I understand the lack of text is not a big deal given our dynamic, it did bother me, but I will let it go.

I think that's a wise choice (to let it go).

You cannot expect 'relationship behavior' from someone who does not hold that title.

Yes. It's very natural and human to be frustrated at the situation.

This may be an indicator that you want more than what he can provide to you. And then you have to be honest with yourself.

Do you want more?

That's all I'm trying to figure out here.  Whether that's more attention or consistent communication.  

It could help to lead the conversation with why you'd like to text more often the next time the two of you speak, whether it be a HNY text or something else, so it feels less accusatory.

[stillafool]

16 hours ago, Hpchic said:

I did not wish him a HNY, I initiated the last time we met up right after Christmas and at the time I wished him happy holidays so felt a bit funny also initiating a HNY text especially since I didn’t know who he might be with

Okay here it is^ - When you wished him HNY did he say it back to you?  If so, you both already said HNY when you last saw each other.  Why should he do it again since YOU too might be with someone?   See how that works?