Should I be 'too nice' and give my former friend a second/third chance despite everything?

[Alpacalia]

I agree you're putting far too much emphasis on her reaching out and I think you're creating more turmoil for yourself then necessary.

She cannot give more than she is, and she certainly cannot become people they are not.

It takes two people to create the blows, but only one to walk away and move on.

Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide if you want to give the friendship another go but just remember that you aren’t obligated to give a second chance if you don’t want to.

[TheEternalPessimist]

Yeah I'm not prepared to give the friendship another go, if she wants us to be talking again regularly, she will have to show that she cares and that she contacted me for the good reasons.

[Alpacalia]

The friendship can end there if you're not willing to take it further.

In the meantime, it's not a litmus test.

It's understandable that you are confused as to why she contacted you, and it makes sense that you feel that way if you aren't certain of the reason. While that's all well and good, at the heart of it, what you're doing right now is trying to seek validation that she cares about you. Given that you aren't willing to give her the chance to explain what her motivation for contacting you is, it doesn't really afford her the opportunity to convey to you why she contacted you in the first place.

Edited January 9, 2023 by Alpacalia

[TheEternalPessimist]

16 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

The friendship can end there if you're not willing to take it further.

In the meantime, it's not a litmus test.

It's understandable that you are confused as to why she contacted you, and it makes sense that you feel that way if you aren't certain of the reason. While that's all well and good, at the heart of it, what you're doing right now is trying to seek validation that she cares about you. Given that you aren't willing to give her the chance to explain what her motivation for contacting you is, it doesn't really afford her the opportunity to convey to you why she contacted you in the first place.

In an ideal world, she would have messaged me AND explained to me what her motivation is. 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I think if she truly wants me to believe she has changed and is contacting me again for the right reasons, she needs to say it and somehow show it at some point otherwise it's just hot air. 

All she did was ask to get back in contact with you.  What leads to to believe that she wants you to believe she's changed?   

[NuevoYorko]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

All she did was ask to get back in contact with you.  What leads to to believe that she wants you to believe she's changed?   

Yeah ... I just read this whole thread and I'm left quite confused.

It sounds as if you dislike this person quite heartily.   You don't have anything good to say about them.  My impression is that she's unaware of your very negative opinion of her.  She likely thinks that you're friends from the past and she'd like to reconnect.  I strongly doubt that she's changed much and probably doesn't even realize that a huge change would be expected of her in order to resume a friendship of some sort.

In any case - I see zero motivation for you to go there.  You will be angry and frankly, it's not fair to the ex-friend.   We need to have a basic acceptance of the people we choose to have in our lives.  If they're not acceptable to us - they should be hanging around with others who are okay with who they are.  

[TheEternalPessimist]

50 minutes ago, basil67 said:

All she did was ask to get back in contact with you.  What leads to to believe that she wants you to believe she's changed?   

Nothing leads me to believe she's changed, that's why I did not reply back to her message because if she is the way she was in 2020, which she likely is, then it's pointless to attempt to renew a friendship with her. 

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

if she wants us to be talking again regularly, she will have to show that she cares and that she contacted me for the good reasons.

4 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

In an ideal world, she would have messaged me AND explained to me what her motivation is. 

3 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Nothing leads me to believe she's changed, that's why I did not reply back to her message

 

On 12/28/2022 at 6:28 AM, TheEternalPessimist said:

At the same time, she has let me down big time before, I feel like I would be naive and too nice if I were to give her another chance and above all I find it very strange that it took her over two years to essentially remember that I exist. Should I be "too nice" and give my former friend a second/third chance despite everything or instead should I tell her gently/directly to f off and leave me alone? Would love to hear your thoughts on this messy situation.

Is this woman even aware that you're holding these grudges against her?  Maybe she has no idea you feel this way and has just been busy the last 2 years.  I hate to say it but I'm behind on contacting some of my friends too.  Time goes so fast.

[TheEternalPessimist]

If she's not aware then she's an idiot because I have called her out on her flaky behavior multiple times before though not since 2020 since we haven't been in touch. If you're 2 years behind on contacting me then maybe just maybe you don't deserve to be my friend.

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

If she's not aware then she's an idiot because I have called her out on her flaky behavior multiple times before though not since 2020 since we haven't been in touch. If you're 2 years behind on contacting me then maybe just maybe you don't deserve to be my friend.

Seriously?  You seem to have very unrealistic expectations of this friend from your past.  You were roommates for just 6 months and then saw her  ONE other time after you moved, is that correct?   The time she acted flakey, in your opinion. 

You know - I could be capable of behaving like she did.  I have found some people from my past on social media from time to time who I haven't been in touch with for years, and I have reached out.   I'd be shocked if they're holding grudges against me because I didn't prioritize seeing them a couple of years ago.  But who knows - maybe they are.

 Just move on.  I suspect that she has plenty of friends who are happy to experience the good qualities she has and are accepting in the not so good ones.   I assume you have plenty of friends like that yourself.  So why bring up all of this negativity over a person you haven't even bothered with for two years, yourself?  Just hang out with the friends you enjoy.  

Edited January 10, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

In an ideal world, she would have messaged me AND explained to me what her motivation is. 

The realization that you have to end a friendship because it is one-sided is one thing. It's a decision that's right for you. So, yes. It's time to let go of a friendship that is so unhealthy for you.

Having a sincere apology is one thing, but expecting her to grovel before you on the subject of her reaching out is quite another. This friendship is better left in the past, so I am glad that you realized that. Your animosity towards her is so deep that reengaging with her wouldn't make sense. If you're talking more about someone with others (us) than you do with her then time to figure out what your hang-up is and find a way to get rid of it.

Edited January 10, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Acacia98]

14 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

In an ideal world, she would have messaged me AND explained to me what her motivation is. 

Yeah. But seeing as it's not going to become an ideal world any time soon, your best bet is to deal with people as they are, not as you would like them to be. So, in this case, if you've decided that communicating with this person is a waste of time, that is perfectly okay. Ignore her message and consider the chapter closed. I promise you it's okay. No one will haul you to court for ignoring her. She will get the message without you having to explain anything.

9 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

If she's not aware then she's an idiot because I have called her out on her flaky behavior multiple times before though not since 2020 since we haven't been in touch. If you're 2 years behind on contacting me then maybe just maybe you don't deserve to be my friend.

You know what? I suspect you're feeling guilty about not responding to her because it doesn't come naturally to you. So you're looking for some kind of assurance that ignoring her doesn't make you a bad person. It is genuinely okay to put as little into a relationship as the other person does. I don't mean that you should be vengeful. I mean that if someone doesn't prioritize you, it's okay for you to not drop everything and go running when they finally decide to remember you and reach out to you. And if it doesn't make sense to you to maintain a friendship with someone who's minimally invested in you and whom you're minimally invested in, you can just stop dealing with them altogether. It's when you continue making an effort and the other person (predictably) doesn't that you get frustrated and angry with them for making you feel like you're not worth their time. So save yourself the trouble and remove yourself from such interactions.

[stillafool]

12 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

If she's not aware then she's an idiot because I have called her out on her flaky behavior multiple times before though not since 2020 since we haven't been in touch. If you're 2 years behind on contacting me then maybe just maybe you don't deserve to be my friend.

Okay well there it is.  Why this thread?  You feel ignored and rejected by her for not contacting you in 2 years.  Why would you even need to think about it if you feel that way?  

[TheEternalPessimist]

11 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Seriously?  You seem to have very unrealistic expectations of this friend from your past.  You were roommates for just 6 months and then saw her  ONE other time after you moved, is that correct?   The time she acted flakey, in your opinion. 

You know - I could be capable of behaving like she did.  I have found some people from my past on social media from time to time who I haven't been in touch with for years, and I have reached out.   I'd be shocked if they're holding grudges against me because I didn't prioritize seeing them a couple of years ago.  But who knows - maybe they are.

 Just move on.  I suspect that she has plenty of friends who are happy to experience the good qualities she has and are accepting in the not so good ones.   I assume you have plenty of friends like that yourself.  So why bring up all of this negativity over a person you haven't even bothered with for two years, yourself?  Just hang out with the friends you enjoy.  

I saw her several times after we stopped being roommates and she began acting more and more flakey even if she wanted to hang out with me nontheless.

It's not so much about prioritizing me as it is showing basic respect for someone you care or at least pretend to care about.

[TheEternalPessimist]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Okay well there it is.  Why this thread?  You feel ignored and rejected by her for not contacting you in 2 years.  Why would you even need to think about it if you feel that way?  

Because I'm a human being and I question myself all the time.

[TheEternalPessimist]

3 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Yeah. But seeing as it's not going to become an ideal world any time soon, your best bet is to deal with people as they are, not as you would like them to be. So, in this case, if you've decided that communicating with this person is a waste of time, that is perfectly okay. Ignore her message and consider the chapter closed. I promise you it's okay. No one will haul you to court for ignoring her. She will get the message without you having to explain anything.

You know what? I suspect you're feeling guilty about not responding to her because it doesn't come naturally to you. So you're looking for some kind of assurance that ignoring her doesn't make you a bad person. It is genuinely okay to put as little into a relationship as the other person does. I don't mean that you should be vengeful. I mean that if someone doesn't prioritize you, it's okay for you to not drop everything and go running when they finally decide to remember you and reach out to you. And if it doesn't make sense to you to maintain a friendship with someone who's minimally invested in you and whom you're minimally invested in, you can just stop dealing with them altogether. It's when you continue making an effort and the other person (predictably) doesn't that you get frustrated and angry with them for making you feel like you're not worth their time. So save yourself the trouble and remove yourself from such interactions.

Yes her getting the message without me having to explain anything is what I'm hoping for since she pulled that very trick on me the last time I saw her with the way she behaved and pushing our meeting at the very last minute forcing me to change my travel plans just to see her. Had I known she wouldn't really apologize properly, wouldn't pay for the meal and would continue to act flakey afterwards, I wouldn't have done that so I felt somewhat used by her and decided to just ignore her for the past 2 years.

I know it's okay, don't worry. That's why I removed myself from the friendship and so did she which is why she shouldn't be messaging me again after all this time. I literally have nothing to say to her and if she pushes me enough, she won't like what I'll have to say to her.

 

Edited January 10, 2023 by TheEternalPessimist

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I literally have nothing to say to her and if she pushes me enough, she won't like what I'll have to say to her.

I think you need to tell her what it is you want her to know whether she likes it or not.  Who cares?  It's better to tell her than people on a forum.  Get the courage to do this as it would be healing for you. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

I don't think I will feel better after I tell her, I suspect I will feel even worse and after such a long time has passed, I think it's pointless. It's not like she probably has no clue what I am upset about or that her behavior at times was extremely inappropriate and inconsiderate. 

Edited January 10, 2023 by TheEternalPessimist

[stillafool]

32 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

the last time I saw her with the way she behaved and pushing our meeting at the very last minute forcing me to change my travel plans just to see her.

How did she force you to change your travel plans?  Why do things you don't want to do and then blame the other person for doing it?  Learn to say NO when you feel put upon.  It's better for your health.

[TheEternalPessimist]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

How did she force you to change your travel plans?  Why do things you don't want to do and then blame the other person for doing it?  Learn to say NO when you feel put upon.  It's better for your health.

Yes I definitely should have said NO especially if I knew she would behave the way she behaved afterwards. 

[glows]

This person obviously rubbed you the wrong way and there’s some resentment about the past. Continue ignoring her then and carry on.

The issue having her come up since she isn’t blocked is you continuing to be reminded she is a lousy person. She doesn’t demonstrate the same kind of consideration for others you would show - completely different from you. 

 

[Alpacalia]

Neither your friendship nor her seem to be the only thing going on here.

Your expectations really set you up for failure.

But the very fact that your expectations missed the reality of the outcomes means that you were brave enough to show up for something.

It is probably true that you will have to go through the feelings before you can get to the other side. If you want to avoid being stuck in this in-between, you're really going to need to find a way to make your disappointment more bearable.

[NuevoYorko]

The only reason to be connected with her anymore would be if you thought what she brought to your life was worth putting up with the stuff about her you don't like.  That holds true for all relationships.  Take the bad with the good.   

Frankly, it sounds like you are carrying a torch for her.   Move on.

[TheEternalPessimist]

9 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Neither your friendship nor her seem to be the only thing going on here.

Your expectations really set you up for failure.

But the very fact that your expectations missed the reality of the outcomes means that you were brave enough to show up for something.

It is probably true that you will have to go through the feelings before you can get to the other side. If you want to avoid being stuck in this in-between, you're really going to need to find a way to make your disappointment more bearable.

I don't understand what you meant to say there. I don't know what's so brave about me.