Should I be 'too nice' and give my former friend a second/third chance despite everything?

[glows]

I learned a hard lesson myself last year when I attempted to reconnect with an old friend. It didn’t go very well and I was reminded why we lost touch in the first place. 

Sometimes it works out and other times it’s best to keep the door closed. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

Oh believe me, the door was closed on my end until she suddenly popped up in my inbox last month. 

[glows]

15 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Oh believe me, the door was closed on my end until she suddenly popped up in my inbox last month. 

Close it again. lol 

Sometimes it takes a couple of tries as it jams up. 

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Oh believe me, the door was closed on my end until she suddenly popped up in my inbox last month. 

That's ok. You didn't see the need to block her at that point. You're under no obligation of course to communicate or continue being friends.

[TheEternalPessimist]

No, thankfully I'm not, you're right. She shouldn't have contacted me again.

[basil67]

46 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

No, thankfully I'm not, you're right. She shouldn't have contacted me again.

Why's that?  Did you ask her not to contact you again?   

[TheEternalPessimist]

No I didn't, as I said before, we last saw each other in September 2020 and barely texted after that since she never responded to my messages so I gave up.

[stillafool]

On 1/2/2023 at 3:15 PM, TheEternalPessimist said:

I don't want it so badly. Like I said many times before, I am assessing my options.

So by now, have you decided whether you are going to reply back to her or not?

[TheEternalPessimist]

I have decided not to reply back to her and see what happens.

[basil67]

9 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I have decided not to reply back to her and see what happens.

Why do you choose this route?    The likely outcome is that she'll reach out again and you'll get yourself into another turmoil of not knowing what to do.  

I recommend not doing friendship tests like this.  Make up your mind.  Either meet her or unfriend her, own your decision and be done with it. 

 

[TheEternalPessimist]

I already unfriended her back in 2020, I just didn't block her because it's just not really something I do often. Obviously back than I never expected her to ever contact me again.

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I already unfriended her back in 2020, I just didn't block her because it's just not really something I do often. Obviously back than I never expected her to ever contact me again.

So instead of the decision being 'meet up or unfriend', turn it into 'meet up or block'.   Why do you leave the door open to someone who clearly don't like or respect? 

[TheEternalPessimist]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

So instead of the decision being 'meet up or unfriend', turn it into 'meet up or block'.   Why do you leave the door open to someone who clearly don't like or respect? 

I am not leaving the door open to anything, I just do not like to block people in general, I find it immature. 

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I am not leaving the door open to anything, I just do not like to block people in general, I find it immature. 

You said "see what happens".  That means you know there could well be further interaction and you're willingly leaving the door open for it.  Perhaps it makes you feel good to have her reach out even if you don't want to meet her?

I would argue that blocking someone who's crazy making is an act of self care.  It's no different to dumping a boyfriend who drives you nuts.  Or do you see that as immature too?

Edited January 9, 2023 by basil67

[TheEternalPessimist]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You said "see what happens".  That means you know there could well be further interaction and you're willingly leaving the door open for it.  Perhaps it makes you feel good to have her reach out even if you don't want to meet her?

I would argue that blocking someone who's crazy making is an act of self care.  It's no different to dumping a boyfriend who drives you nuts.  Or do you see that as immature too?

When I said "see what happens" what I meant to say is that I hope she won't message again and start harassing me potentially in which case I might consider blocking her altogether. Her reaching out at this point makes me rather indifferent.

I don't think she's crazy, I just think she's a bad friend.

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

When I said "see what happens" what I meant to say is that I hope she won't message again and start harassing me potentially in which case I might consider blocking her altogether. Her reaching out at this point makes me rather indifferent.

I don't think she's crazy, I just think she's a bad friend.

When I said 'crazy making' I meant that she makes you feel crazy.  And I don't think she's a bad friend, I just think you haven't enforced your own boundaries and resent her for the fact you went along with things which you don't like.   You've simply got higher expectations of her than she can deliver.

All in all though, you've already unfriended her and she hasn't figured out that this means you don't want anything to do with her, so it's highly likely she will reach out again. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

When I said 'crazy making' I meant that she makes you feel crazy.  And I don't think she's a bad friend, I just think you haven't enforced your own boundaries and resent her for the fact you went along with things which you don't like.   You've simply got higher expectations of her than she can deliver.

All in all though, you've already unfriended her and she hasn't figured out that this means you don't want anything to do with her, so it's highly likely she will reach out again. 

She doesn't really make me crazy, believe me there are things in my life that bother me way more than her. The reason I don't interact with her anymore is because I know she can't deliver on my expectations and I do not believe she has changed in that regard since 2020.

I like to think she figured out I don't want anything to do with her, I just assume she is contacting me now after 2 years because it's convenient for her to do so. It wouldn't be the first time someone tries that failed trick on me. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

 I like to think she figured out I don't want anything to do with her, I just assume she is contacting me now after 2 years because it's convenient for her to do so. It wouldn't be the first time someone tries that failed trick on me

At any rate, I'm sure you'd block her if you really wanted to be rid of her, so it obviously doesn't bother you that much

[TheEternalPessimist]

I just don't feel good when I block people so I prefer to avoid it. In the 10 years or so I've been on Facebook, I must have blocked 4 people at most.

Edited January 9, 2023 by TheEternalPessimist

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I have decided not to reply back to her and see what happens.

Why?  It sounds like you're almost afraid of her in some way.  Is that true?  You've been agonizing over her for a week.

 

2 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

In the 10 years or so I've been on Facebook, I must have blocked 4 people at most.

If anyone deserves to be on the block list it's this woman.  

[TheEternalPessimist]

I'm not afraid, I just can't be bothered to engage in a conversation with her.

I'll consider blocking her eventually. The other rare people I've blocked over the years did far worse.

[glows]

If she contacts you again, are you hoping to be more receptive or thinking of a change of heart? 

Blocking is useful if you just don’t want to hear from that person again. That person doesn’t have to have horribly wronged you.

I agree it’s good for boundaries and just spending way less energy overall in places and spaces that don’t matter. But… I think the issue might be you still think of your old times fondly so she does matter even if a little. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

I think if she truly wants me to believe she has changed and is contacting me again for the right reasons, she needs to say it and somehow show it at some point otherwise it's just hot air. 

I don't know how I feel about our old times, sometimes I think of them fondly, sometimes I don't. 

[glows]

Oof. That’s kind of heavy. This is now an acquaintance we’re talking about as you both lost touch for some time. I’d lower the expectations drastically. She’s just about way down here and you’re setting a bar in the treetops. It’s bound to fail, disappointment to ensue..

[TheEternalPessimist]

I have no expectations now whatsover so I can't be disappointed. I can only perhaps be positively surprised and I know that won't happen.