Repeating the same mistakes

[Theeisor]

Not sure if I’m ready to post what’s going on with me but the title pretty much says it all. I’m not in the best place right now and I’m scouring this site for hopeful stories on people who have successfully gotten out of an A or are on their way with NC. I’m not sure if all the hope for myself is gone but I can’t seem to find any right now so I’ll toss it to the inter webs. 

Anyone with any recent success in leaving your A behind?  Or anyone that’s in NC that could offer some hope? 

[Starswillshine]

I haven't been in an affair, but I would guess it would be similar to divorcing my ex-husband who was having an affair. A lot of the same emotions, the push and pull, etc during the 2 years of figuring out whether to divorce or reconcile. He wanted to stay married, I couldn't trust him any longer. 

So my advice, and what I did:

I realized that I deserved happiness and I could see no path to happiness with him any longer. My days were filled anxiety and misery. I first started to remind myself of this every single day. He is making me miserable, and I don't deserve it. 

When I would start to worry about what he was doing, I would remind myself that he was no longer my problem, I did not need to worry. It no longer affected me. Obviously, that is hard to just tell yourself to not worry, but when the nausea would creep up from my anxiety, i would say it out loud. I would remind myself- he was not my problem. 

I got myself active. I hiked- A LOT. There was something about being outdoors. Plus I could concentrate on all my senses better there to give my brain a bit of a break from the constant stress, anxiety, and grief. I did yoga. I journaled. I made a pact to be a better friend. I reconnected with the people I had pushed away. I focused on my kids. And I got a lot of therapy. 

I started to let go of all the fairytales I kept in my head and I saw REALITY. And I compared that to what I really wanted. 

I couldn't go NC because we had children together. And that just prolonged the pain. I think if I could have just shoved him out and never saw him again, it would have saved me some time. But... you can. You can just realize how you deserve better, how these lows aren't what real love is, how to get through it, you have to actually start. Realize staying where you are, as you are, prevents you from true happiness. 

On the other side of this: confidence!!!! Oh the confidence. I remember feeling so weak and mad at myself for trying to reconcile with a man who dared to treat me so horribly. I would cry constantly. When I finally found my backbone and believed I deserved better.... when I signed the papers, when I finally became free of my marriage- I felt like I could get through anything. Still, to date, it was the hardest thing I have ever dealt with (including death of many loved ones-parent included), but it was one of the best things I ever done as well. 

[Theeisor]

2 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

I haven't been in an affair, but I would guess it would be similar to divorcing my ex-husband who was having an affair. A lot of the same emotions, the push and pull, etc during the 2 years of figuring out whether to divorce or reconcile. He wanted to stay married, I couldn't trust him any longer. 

So my advice, and what I did:

I realized that I deserved happiness and I could see no path to happiness with him any longer. My days were filled anxiety and misery. I first started to remind myself of this every single day. He is making me miserable, and I don't deserve it. 

When I would start to worry about what he was doing, I would remind myself that he was no longer my problem, I did not need to worry. It no longer affected me. Obviously, that is hard to just tell yourself to not worry, but when the nausea would creep up from my anxiety, i would say it out loud. I would remind myself- he was not my problem. 

I got myself active. I hiked- A LOT. There was something about being outdoors. Plus I could concentrate on all my senses better there to give my brain a bit of a break from the constant stress, anxiety, and grief. I did yoga. I journaled. I made a pact to be a better friend. I reconnected with the people I had pushed away. I focused on my kids. And I got a lot of therapy. 

I started to let go of all the fairytales I kept in my head and I saw REALITY. And I compared that to what I really wanted. 

I couldn't go NC because we had children together. And that just prolonged the pain. I think if I could have just shoved him out and never saw him again, it would have saved me some time. But... you can. You can just realize how you deserve better, how these lows aren't what real love is, how to get through it, you have to actually start. Realize staying where you are, as you are, prevents you from true happiness. 

On the other side of this: confidence!!!! Oh the confidence. I remember feeling so weak and mad at myself for trying to reconcile with a man who dared to treat me so horribly. I would cry constantly. When I finally found my backbone and believed I deserved better.... when I signed the papers, when I finally became free of my marriage- I felt like I could get through anything. Still, to date, it was the hardest thing I have ever dealt with (including death of many loved ones-parent included), but it was one of the best things I ever done as well. 

Thank you SO much for your reply. Although out circumstances are different, I can relate to a lot of what you went through because that’s exactly what I’m battling now. I can’t seem to find my backbone to abandon this toxic relationship for good. It’s been going on way too long and we’ve had many moments of NC, some as long as 4 months. I’ve been the one to initiate getting back into contact and this cycle needs to stop for good. Logically, I know what needs to be done and I know I deserve better and to be genuinely happy. I have the map and I know I’m not riding into the sunset with him but his attention becomes so addicting. 
 

We just recently had another falling out and it was because I pressed him on some truth and he recoiled (surprise). This time I know it has to be for good and I’m determined on that. I finally sought out therapy and have an appointment next week so I’m hoping that will help in working it out. I know I have a lot of work to do and I’m prepared for it. I just want to fast forward to a point in time where I’ve gotten back a little bit of self esteem back and I don’t feel this hopeless. I think more than anything, my feeling of hopelessness this time around is stemming from the years of trying to let go permanently and being unable to. I’m pretty much beating myself up hard for getting to this place again and in the same breath, I’m still romanticizing him. Ugh. It feels sickening admitting that. 

[glows]

I have never had an affair but I probably am very good at no contact. 

What draws you to this person? It may show you that you’re missing some important elements in your marriage or there are other areas in your life you can work on instead of worrying or thinking about the affair. Shift your priorities a little and put those other areas first.

[Theeisor]

32 minutes ago, glows said:

I have never had an affair but I probably am very good at no contact. 

What draws you to this person? It may show you that you’re missing some important elements in your marriage or there are other areas in your life you can work on instead of worrying or thinking about the affair. Shift your priorities a little and put those other areas first.

What draws me to this person? Aside from the physical attraction, there really isn’t anything extraordinary about him. When I met him, I wasn’t in the best place in my marriage and he woke something up in me that I hadn’t felt in a long time. As odd as this sounds, there are aspects about this situation that have made me better but only because I had to get to a dark place only to come out stronger, and I have. Just as I wrote that, I’m wondering if I subconsciously do this on purpose? I tend to thrive on discipline and I’m always better about anything when I work under pressure and when things are “hard”. Hmmm. 
 

I’m constantly working on my marriage (which isn’t the best right now but not from my doing) and I stay busy and prioritize on the important things in life. I have learned though to somehow keep AP tucked away in my mind but he’s ALWAYS there. I don’t want that anymore. Maybe it’s the thinking of him that has me hooked because it truly is an escape. All these things and theories, I plan on letting out during therapy next week and I’m praying that it does the trick and I never have to be in this place again. 

[BaileyB]

33 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

Maybe it’s the thinking of him that has me hooked because it truly is an escape.

We all have repetitive thought patterns that we use to cope with difficult things/boredom. I certainly do. I listen to a podcast sometimes to to help me sleep and the person always says - the mind needs to be busy all the time. I think that’s really true - the problem occurs when the mind makes itself busy by engaging in repetitive patterns or loops that tend to bring us back to the same destructive feelings/decisions/behaviors. 

Thing is - you can think of him and not contact him. I would visualize a box - when your mind wanders to him (which it will, naturally from time to time), I would acknowledge it but take that thought and place it in the box. And then, as Starswillshine says, have your mantra ready - this is not the path to happiness, that chapter of my life is over, I’m choosing to move on now… whatever you decide works for yourself. 

People don’t generally do things for no reason - though habit will sometimes keep us coming back to things we need to let go.  There is obviously a reason why you got yourself involved with this guy, and there is probably a reason why you continue to go back (in addition to the fact that you may have some repetitive thought processes, a lack of other coping skills, and you have developed this routine/habit). The most obvious place to start looking is your marriage - we’re you seeking something that is missing/perhaps it’s time to let that go if it’s not meeting your needs and go in search of your true path). In that way, affairs are certainly an escape - from the mundane routine of daily life, from the boredom and unhappiness of a bad marriage. The other thing that I’m wondering - you say that you thrive on discipline but I have to wonder if you are attracted to drama. It’s hard to argue that you are not when you continue to go back - for another adrenaline rush, more excitement, more drama…

Edited December 29, 2022 by BaileyB

[Theeisor]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

We all have repetitive thought patterns that we use to cope with difficult things/boredom. I certainly do. I listen to a podcast sometimes to to help me sleep and the person always says - the mind needs to be busy all the time. I think that’s really true - the problem occurs when the mind makes itself busy by engaging in repetitive patterns or loops that tend to bring us back to the same destructive feelings/decisions/behaviors. 

Thing is - you can think of him and not contact him. I would visualize a box - when your mind wanders to him (which it will, naturally from time to time), I would acknowledge it but take that thought and place it in the box. And then, as Starswillshine says, have your mantra ready - this is not the path to happiness, that chapter of my life is over, I’m choosing to move on now… whatever you decide works for yourself. 

People don’t generally do things for no reason - though habit will sometimes keep us coming back to things we need to let go.  There is obviously a reason why you got yourself involved with this guy, and there is probably a reason why you continue to go back (in addition to the fact that you may have some repetitive thought processes, a lack of other coping skills, and you have developed this routine/habit). The most obvious place to start looking is your marriage - we’re you seeking something that is missing/perhaps it’s time to let that go if it’s not meeting your needs and go in search of your true path). In that way, affairs are certainly an escape - from the mundane routine of daily life, from the boredom and unhappiness of a bad marriage. The other thing that I’m wondering - you say that you thrive on discipline but I have to wonder if you are attracted to drama. It’s hard to argue that you are not when you continue to go back - for another adrenaline rush, more excitement, more drama…

Thank you for your reply. You give sound and very straight forward advice. There’s no way this time around that I’ll reach out to him. As I mentioned before, I asked him something that I’ve never asked before and I got my answer and it solidified what I was confused about. One of the reasons why I feel I constantly kept going back was uncertainty. I was constantly confused and that made me feel insecure. Now that I have my answer, there’s no way my pride (whatever is left) will allow me to reach out. Sadly, when we have gone NC in the past, and have felt that this is it, there was always a part of me that knew I’d go back after the dust settled because of “our connection”. Barf. I can’t do that to myself anymore and this is why I’m looking for stories from people who have come out of it without ever looking back. It really is what I want. 
 

On the drama, maybe you’re right? However, there really isn’t “drama” between us. This was mostly an EA and aside from very hurtful emails and lack thereof, there’s nothing dramatic. There’s a lot of unspoken words and him and I have a tendency to let pride run the show. I was done with that and sent a very straight email to him. I’m glad I did because it helped. It’s sucks right now because I feel I need to start really grieving him and the relationship and it hurts but I was prepared for this. I don’t wait to fail again so I’m using every avenue I can to help myself. I’m not proud of myself and I’m ashamed every single day for being dishonest but this is the part where I tell myself that I did this. I can’t cry about it and feel sorry for myself because I made these choices. Still hurts. I have a lot of work to do. 

[BaileyB]

25 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

As I mentioned before, I asked him something that I’ve never asked before and I got my answer and it solidified what I was confused about.

Foster your anger, it will guide you to leave this relationship behind. One of my favourite quotes is “keep your dignity.” That would be my mantra if ever I had the urge to reach out - again, remember this feeling and foster that pride/anger - and keep your dignity. 

25 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

One of the reasons why I feel I constantly kept going back was uncertainty. I was constantly confused and that made me feel insecure.

In many cases, the lack of a definitive answer is the answer - whether we are ready to accept that or not. You needed to hear the words, but if you go back and read between the lines… the uncertainty, instability, lack of clarity - that says a lot…

25 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

On the drama, maybe you’re right? However, there really isn’t “drama” between us.

An affair, by its very nature, is drama. It removes you from your life circumstance, from your marriage… It preoccupies your thoughts, steals your agency, takes your self esteem - this, to me, is drama. The very fact that you are posting - searching desperately for success stories from other women who have left their affairs behind - tells me that you got drama in your life!

25 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

feel I need to start really grieving him and the relationship

I wouldn’t grieve for too long. I would look for the lesson here, rather than allowing myself to wallow in grief. Personally, I would try really hard not to give him one more minute of my time - you have given this man who (I’m assuming) told you that he didn’t want to/couldn’t be with you enough of your valuable time already…

In truth, you are not really grieving the man. You are grieving the relationship that you wanted to have with him. So, change your focus - dream another dream! The counselling can help you to determine exactly what that would be… good luck!

Edited December 29, 2022 by BaileyB

[Theeisor]

14 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Foster your anger, it will guide you to leave this relationship behind. One of my favourite quotes is “keep your dignity.” That would be my mantra if ever I had the urge to reach out - again, remember this feeling and foster that pride/anger - and keep your dignity. 

In many cases, the lack of a definitive answer is the answer - whether we are ready to accept that or not. You needed to hear the words, but if you go back and read between the lines… the uncertainty, instability, lack of clarity - that says a lot…

An affair, by its very nature, is drama. It removes you from your life circumstance, from your marriage… It preoccupies your thoughts, steals your agency, takes your self esteem - this, to me, is drama. The very fact that you are posting - searching desperately for success stories from other women who have left their affairs behind - tells me that you got drama in your life! /cdn-cgi/mirage/836e8dbb51e22c9800e9935812d1eda984a02f8c13553c75fcec6ea65174b36b/1280/https://www.loveshack.org/content/emoticons/wink.gif.6242da29907218d9034537cede97dce3.gif

I wouldn’t grieve for too long. I would look for the lesson here, rather than allowing myself to wallow in grief. Personally, I would try really hard not to give him one more minute of my time - you have given this man who (I’m assuming) told you that he didn’t want to/couldn’t be with you enough of your valuable time already…

In truth, you are not really grieving the man. You are grieving the relationship that you wanted to have with him. So, change your focus - dream another dream! The counselling can help you to determine exactly what that would be… good luck!

Thank you so much!! I’m a little choked up right now because your 110 percent correct. I’m screenshooting your reply and will read it again when I get down on myself. I will most definitely follow your advice and I thank you for taking the time to reply, not just for myself but all the great and straightforward truth you unselfishly give to everyone that comes here with their heart on the ground.

Happy New Year!!

[glows]

9 hours ago, Theeisor said:

What draws me to this person? Aside from the physical attraction, there really isn’t anything extraordinary about him. When I met him, I wasn’t in the best place in my marriage and he woke something up in me that I hadn’t felt in a long time. As odd as this sounds, there are aspects about this situation that have made me better but only because I had to get to a dark place only to come out stronger, and I have. Just as I wrote that, I’m wondering if I subconsciously do this on purpose? I tend to thrive on discipline and I’m always better about anything when I work under pressure and when things are “hard”. Hmmm. 
 

I’m constantly working on my marriage (which isn’t the best right now but not from my doing) and I stay busy and prioritize on the important things in life. I have learned though to somehow keep AP tucked away in my mind but he’s ALWAYS there. I don’t want that anymore. Maybe it’s the thinking of him that has me hooked because it truly is an escape. All these things and theories, I plan on letting out during therapy next week and I’m praying that it does the trick and I never have to be in this place again. 

Can you work on something else and be around others? Travel, join a hobby group or volunteer.

Maybe your life isn’t as challenging and you’re in an intellectual funk. Do things differently. Check out a new band, go to a concert, do something new, take up a new language or sport. I’m responding to the realization that you thrive working under pressure. Why not pressure-leisure? Leisurely under pressure. For fun. We only have one life - enjoy it!

Edited December 30, 2022 by glows