Not asking to be brought soup. just a bit of empathy? Am I wrong?

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

This guy and I have been seeing each other. It's far from serious, as we've only had 3 dates so far. But, other than the last couple of weeks, we talk most days, so I feel like there is at the very least a surface-level friendship. 

The last date was perfectly nice, no complaints at all. He texted me afterwards to thank me for coming, I thanked him for dinner. And...that was that. Now that would have been 12/18; I was super busy with work myself, as well as last minute holiday preparations. I am sure he was also just as busy. So...we didn't talk for most of that week. He did reach out that Friday with a news article...so we talked a bit. 

I let him know I tested positive with the flu. Mainly, I was curious if he was the one I caught it from, so I thought he would let me know if he had been sick throughout the week. But, apparently he hadn't had the flu. He expressed a pretty basic level of sympathy for me. We talked a bit longer, and then I was down and out for most of the weekend. 

Herein lies my issue. I haven't heard from him since. Not once. Not a "Merry Christmas" text. Not even a "Merry Christmas" meme. Okay fine, no big deal. But, the fact that he knew I had the flu and hasn't messaged to find out how I am feeling? Not one time? That's hard for me to swallow. Most of my friends reach out once a day...at least, and ask how I am feeling, if I am feeling better, etc. I just cannot fathom a friend or someone I am dating, or heck, even just an acquaintance, telling me they have the flu, and then not following up to ask them if they are feeling better. To me, there is a bare minimum of decency. 

I am not asking or expecting him to bring me a bowl of soup and to dote on me. I'm not expecting something over the top. Just the bare minimum. Just a simple, "Hey, how are you feeling?" Is that really expecting too much? 

[stillafool]

No it isn't expecting too much.  Now you know his level of interest in you.  Maybe that's a good thing to learn before you start the New Year.  

[Gaeta]

You are not expecting too much and it's good to have standards for yourself in this crazy dating world. 

I would be unimpressed with him not checking up on me and I would be completely turned off by his silence at Xmas. My guess is this guy is casually dating and he has not particularly connected with you. 

[poppyfields]

First off, I'm sorry to hear you were sick and hope you're feeling better.  

Secondly, and just my take after talking to many men about this, he may have thought (mistakenly assumed) it was an excuse to not see him.   Or some sort of * test. 

It's insecurity which let's face it, many of us are especially during early stages. 

You don't know what his experience has been and apologies to all the great ladies on this forum, but I am familiar with several women who use being sick as an excuse or some sort of "test" to see how much the guy cares. 

In fact, a few years ago a woman created a thread about just that. 

Lied to a new man about being sick and became angry when the guy didn't reach out asking her about her illness.  Or rather her fake illness.  And if there was anything he could do. 

I have friends who have done this too. 

Your guy may have experienced that. It's a possibility.

Imo, even a man who were no longer interested (which I don't think is necessarily the case here), would have followed up if just out of politeness and courtesy as a human being. 

There is something else at play here and my gut says he may have thought you made it up.

It's definitely not right and if you wanted to stop dating him because of it, that's your right. 

But why not wait until the new year and see what happens? 

Thats my advice assuming you really clicked on your dates which it sounds like you did.

These early stages can be so confusing and precarious for both people.

Good luck and Happy New Year!  💛

 

Edited December 29, 2022 by poppyfields

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

Just a simple, "Hey, how are you feeling?" Is that really expecting too much? 

Maybe from a guy you’ve only had 3 dates with. I suspect due to the frequency of texting you feel you have a closer relationship that he does. It probably hasn’t even crossed his mind to check up on you because he doesn’t see this an established relationship - be it isn’t friends or something romantic. Have the two of you discussed exclusivity yet? 

[smackie9]

First impressions count...and he's not very impressive. Dump this chump. 

[glows]

Is he always the first one reaching out? The romance may have fizzled out if you haven’t texted him anything first or initiated any conversations.

If I’m having a great time I’ll usually add that we should do this again or it’ll be my turn picking the venue or plans. Just a thank you means I’m not certain or probably won’t want to see you again.

I’d reach out a last time and say something like “I hope you’re doing well and have had some time to relax. What are your plans for New Years?” 

I wouldn’t read into his asking about how you’re doing. I dislike people making a big deal when I’m sick, it’s over, done and now let’s have some fun. Just keep in mind different people perceive things differently. And you have to show initiative too.
 

Edited December 29, 2022 by glows

[mortensorchid]

You know his level of interest in you now,which I am sorry to say, is low.  I sight this example : Many years ago I was on a dating website and this guy and I connected.  We would have a grand total of 6 dates.  I picked the meeting places, he said okay.  I asked him what he liked to do for fun and whatnot he said he needed something else to do other than play cards with his buddies on Saturday night.  He never even asked me my last name, I never did his either.  However, we were not dating.  We were meeting up and eating dinner together.  One day he probably got his credit card bill and said "Oh s***" and that was that.  

Just move on.  It what it is.  And I hope you feel better. 

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

I feel like an idiot, but can anyone explain how to multiquote? 

I keep checking multiple checks, but then when I say "quote" only one of them shows up in the box. 

[glows]

3 minutes ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

I feel like an idiot, but can anyone explain how to multiquote? 

I keep checking multiple checks, but then when I say "quote" only one of them shows up in the box. 

Press Quote at the bottom of each post.

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

No it isn't expecting too much.  Now you know his level of interest in you.  Maybe that's a good thing to learn before you start the New Year.  

True....I can try to start the year off fresh, with a new outlook. 

 

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

You are not expecting too much and it's good to have standards for yourself in this crazy dating world. 

I would be unimpressed with him not checking up on me and I would be completely turned off by his silence at Xmas. My guess is this guy is casually dating and he has not particularly connected with you. 

Sure. I mean....we are not exclusive, so I have been on the dating sites/apps as well. Although, on my end, nothing has escalated to an actual date, but perhaps, for him, it has. 

Which is perfectly fine. That's why it's called dating. 

But yes....unimpressed and turned off are certainly a couple of words that describe how I am feeling right now. 

 

20 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

First impressions count...and he's not very impressive. Dump this chump. 

 

Haha, not sure there is much dumping to do here. Seems like he has dumped me. 

[Weezy1973]

27 minutes ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

But yes....unimpressed and turned off are certainly a couple of words that describe how I am feeling right now. 

Why? You’re not even exclusive with the guy. You’re both multi-dating. Sounds like he’s moved onto someone he’s more interested in. Or just busy with holiday stuff. Feeling unimpressed and turned off suggests that you initially had strong feelings for him and now you’re disappointed he doesn’t reciprocate.

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

43 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

First off, I'm sorry to hear you were sick and hope you're feeling better.  

Secondly, and just my take after talking to many men about this, he may have thought (mistakenly assumed) it was an excuse to not see him.   Or some sort of * test. 

It's insecurity which let's face it, many of us are especially during early stages. 

You don't know what his experience has been and apologies to all the great ladies on this forum, but I am familiar with several women who use being sick as an excuse or some sort of "test" to see how much the guy cares. 

In fact, a few years ago a woman created a thread about just that. 

Lied to a new man about being sick and became angry when the guy didn't reach out asking her about her illness.  Or rather her fake illness.  And if there was anything he could do. 

I have friends who have done this too. 

Your guy may have experienced that. It's a possibility.

Imo, even a man who were no longer interested (which I don't think is necessarily the case here), would have followed up if just out of politeness and courtesy as a human being. 

There is something else at play here and my gut says he may have thought you made it up.

It's definitely not right and if you wanted to stop dating him because of it, that's your right. 

But why not wait until the new year and see what happens? 

Thats my advice assuming you really clicked on your dates which it sounds like you did.

These early stages can be so confusing and precarious for both people.

Good luck and Happy New Year!  💛

 

I appreciate your thought process here, but I think it's probably flawed for a few reasons. 

1) The first thing I sent him was a picture of my bedside table, with medicines and kleenex and cough drops and everything all strewn all over the place. It would take a silly amount of effort to go through all that just to make something up. And, it would take someone awfully paranoid to think I would go through the effort of staging my nightstand to look like a pharmacy. 

2) We didn't have anything planned. It's not like he was like, "Hey want to go out this weekend?" and my response was "Sorry, got the flu." And the flu is a relatively short illness (don't get me wrong, it feels like forever) so, even if it was an excuse....it would only be an excuse for a few days...so if I was really trying to avoid him, this would be a kind of pitiful attempt at it. Besides that...I volunteered the information about having the flu. It was a proactive, not reactive statement. 

 

Trust me, I sincerely would love it if you were right. And the part that I bolded.....that is exactly how I feel. Even if were the absolute minimal of friends....I would still expect him to be a decent human being. But, I do agree with you that there is something else at play. Now, I don't know what that something is. 

 

You mention waiting till next year. Funny enough, his birthday is coming up within a few days. I am kind of stuck. I intended to mail him a card, but obviously, I decided not to do that, all things considered. At this point, I am not even sure if I will wish him a happy birthday via text. 

 

 

 

32 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Maybe from a guy you’ve only had 3 dates with. I suspect due to the frequency of texting you feel you have a closer relationship that he does. It probably hasn’t even crossed his mind to check up on you because he doesn’t see this an established relationship - be it isn’t friends or something romantic. Have the two of you discussed exclusivity yet? 

 

I appreciate that you are going against the grain a little bit. 

I do try to be reasonable. Things are casual. Technically, he doesn't owe me anything. Technically. But, it's difficult for me to imagine being on the other side of the coin and following the same path. Even if I were in the Tinder talking stage with a guy, I feel like I would probably ask him daily, or every other day or so, how he's feeling. 

 

I do want to add one thing to your response, though. 

So, my dad had a medical scare a couple weeks back. He was absolutely great, then. He was constantly checking in. Every few hours, he would text me to see if there was any news. So...I mean....I feel like he knows *how* to be a decent and empathetic person. And we were close enough at that point for him to do so. So....it seems strange for him to not do this when it is something concerning myself directly. 

[Gaeta]

22 minutes ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

So, my dad had a medical scare a couple weeks back. He was absolutely great, then. He was constantly checking in. Every few hours, he would text me to see if there was any news. So...I mean....I feel like he knows *how* to be a decent and empathetic person. And we were close enough at that point for him to do so. So....it seems strange for him to not do this when it is something concerning myself directly. 

That's interesting. Did this happened before meeting in person?

[poppyfields]

24 minutes ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

Besides that...I volunteered the information about having the flu. It was a proactive, not reactive statement. 

I know which is why I suggested he may have thought it was a "test" to determine how much he cares. 

And let's face it, since he hasn't followed up, is precisely what you DO think, right?  That he doesn't care? 

Again, it's not right but plenty of women play that testing game and men are familiar with it. 

And they feel manipulated by it.

That is how many men feel from talking to them including my brothers who have experienced it. 

May I ask what prompted you to volunteer the info?  And send him the screenshot of all your medicines?  Which doesn't mean much, in his mind it could have been staged to make it more believable.  A bit of overkill. 

I'm not accusing you of anything but what was your purpose?

Obviously you had some sort of expectation which he failed to meet and now you're hurt and miffed. 

After only a few dates, and without him asking for another date or other prompting, I would not have. 

It was unnecessary and now as a result he failed to meet your expectation and the whole thing blows up in smoke.

Anyway, again I'm sorry you got disappointed.

 

Edited December 29, 2022 by poppyfields

[Lotsgoingon]

The week-long silence between you and him tells me neither of you was really excited. Three dates is enough to have some movement. Lack of movement after three dates means basically there is nothing propelling you guys forwarding. You aren't well matched--neither of you likes the other all that much. 

You got to distinguish between an OK date (pleasant, not painful, friendly) and a exciting date--with real potential and chemistry. If you and he had REALLY connected on that date, the week-long break of silence would have been devastating, deeply disappointing. You guys would have connected in that time. 

Here are your words echoing mine: The last date was perfectly nice, no complaints at all. That to me is not a great date. That's an OK pleasant date. You want a great date. Pursuing mediocre dates is only (in my experience) a way of getting involved with people that you're not really interested in. Let's say he had pursued you aggressively after that third date, sounds to me like you would have responded well even though the best you can say is "no complaints."

Romance doesn't work with tepid interest. It just doesn't. It's hard enough when there is deep interest. 

Given that there was no real connection from what I can see, makes sense that he wouldn't comfort you about the flu. You're not at that point in a relationship. Now, there are warm people who would have found some words, but those would have merely been words. 

So this latest flu response is only the last piece of evidence that you and him are going nowhere. But there was clear evidence before. 

 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

But, it's difficult for me to imagine being on the other side of the coin and following the same path. Even if I were in the Tinder talking stage with a guy, I feel like I would probably ask him daily, or every other day or so, how he's feeling. 

But that’s you. He’s not you. It’s very early stages. Like I said, he may have just lost interest which is fine and normal. Or this is his normal when it comes to acquaintances when they’re sick. Just lets them be until they let him know they’re feeling better. There isn’t really a wrong or right here.
 

But the level of mental energy you’re expending on what is something really insignificant in the grand scheme of things seems weird. Why are you so invested in this guy? 

[introverted1]

2 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

I feel like an idiot, but can anyone explain how to multiquote? 

I keep checking multiple checks, but then when I say "quote" only one of them shows up in the box. 

Click the plus sign on the lower left of each post you want to quote.  Then when you click reply, they will all be inserted into your reply comment.

[Calmandfocused]

I’m baffled that you expected this guy to check in with you about your health. 

Illness aside, this man is not interested in continuing to date you. 
 

A man who is interested does not let a week slip by with no contact. His silence was communicating everything you needed to know. 
 

However,  him not contacting you whilst you’re sick should cement this message loud and clear. 
 

He’s not interested and you shouldn’t be either. I suggest you don’t contact him again and move on. 

Edited December 29, 2022 by Calmandfocused

[ShyViolet]

You are expecting wayyyyy too much from a guy who you have been on *three* dates with.  You are talking about him as if he's your boyfriend who isn't checking in on you.  You've been on three dates.  This is not a relationship.  

I would take his lack of communication to indicate that he's probably no longer interested in you, maybe there won't be a fourth date.  Don't expect anything from him.  Just move on.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

 we've only had 3 dates so far. . 

I let him know I tested positive with the flu. , I was curious if he was the one I caught it from, 

If you are still interested, you could text him that you're better and suggest getting together.

However 3 dates in and anything can happen, especially since you are both still talking to and meeting others.

Perhaps he was concerned that you mentioned you may have gotten it from him. Then there's the holidays. Then there's you not contacting him or sending holiday greeting.

Between the "maybe I got the flu from you" and not sending holiday greetings he may have thought you're not interested and simply moved on.

[BrinnM]

This has nothing to do with your flu. 
He did not say merry Christmas. That’s the indicator that you won’t go out anymore. Something happened between the day he reached out to you with an article, and Christmas. We don’t know what it is. An ex? Somebody new? Something you said? ….. he’s lost interest, and it’s not bc of the flu. Sure, he could’ve asked how you’ve been and if you needed anything, but by then he was already more or less done 

[Ami1uwant]

7 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

This guy and I have been seeing each other. It's far from serious, as we've only had 3 dates so far. But, other than the last couple of weeks, we talk most days, so I feel like there is at the very least a surface-level friendship. 

The last date was perfectly nice, no complaints at all. He texted me afterwards to thank me for coming, I thanked him for dinner. And...that was that. Now that would have been 12/18; I was super busy with work myself, as well as last minute holiday preparations. I am sure he was also just as busy. So...we didn't talk for most of that week. He did reach out that Friday with a news article...so we talked a bit. 

I let him know I tested positive with the flu. Mainly, I was curious if he was the one I caught it from, so I thought he would let me know if he had been sick throughout the week. But, apparently he hadn't had the flu. He expressed a pretty basic level of sympathy for me. We talked a bit longer, and then I was down and out for most of the weekend. 

Herein lies my issue. I haven't heard from him since. Not once. Not a "Merry Christmas" text. Not even a "Merry Christmas" meme. Okay fine, no big deal. But, the fact that he knew I had the flu and hasn't messaged to find out how I am feeling? Not one time? That's hard for me to swallow. Most of my friends reach out once a day...at least, and ask how I am feeling, if I am feeling better, etc. I just cannot fathom a friend or someone I am dating, or heck, even just an acquaintance, telling me they have the flu, and then not following up to ask them if they are feeling better. To me, there is a bare minimum of decency. 

I am not asking or expecting him to bring me a bowl of soup and to dote on me. I'm not expecting something over the top. Just the bare minimum. Just a simple, "Hey, how are you feeling?" Is that really expecting too much? 

 

from my own experience….

 

this is a no man’s lamp d zone.

 

you are too new to do something seriously caring. For one you might be getting care from family and close friends and they don’t want you meeting them this soon.  For  two, if he did something it might turn you off as being too close too soon thrn you pull away. For three, he doesn’t want to wake you up if you were asleep or bother you.

 

I’ve ran into these kinged of events multiple times during my dating life.  One time a woman I was dating pooped on me because she had some medical thing going on. I only found out about this later when she contacted me about 3-4 months later. I had no reason not to believe her. Sure she coukd have bern lying to me.

 

At this time in a relationship can be dicey. It’s very common early on like this ehere one goes on a pre planned vacation or business trip thrn out of sight/ out of mind and it ends.  Your situation  can be the same.

[Alpacalia]

6 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

One time a woman I was dating pooped on me because she had some medical thing going on.

Literally?

[basil67]

I wouldn't read much into him not checking in while you're sick.....but the lack of a Merry Christmas greeting speaks volumes.   Sorry to say, he's moved on