Not asking to be brought soup. just a bit of empathy? Am I wrong?

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, poppyfields said:

May I ask what prompted you to volunteer the info?  And send him the screenshot of all your medicines? 

I would still like to know the answer to this^.  Especially since he had not reached out to you in over a week lest for sending you some article, which means absolutely nothing.

I mean on its face it really does sound like a bid for sympathy and attention.  Or some reassurance.

At least that may be how HE interpreted it.  Not that it had a bearing, it sounds like he had already lost interest.

I dunno, best to use this as a lesson learned.

Lowering expectations being the main one.

In any event, all the best moving forward.

 

Edited December 29, 2022 by poppyfields

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

51 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I would still like to know the answer to this^.  Especially since he had not reached out to you in over a week lest for sending you some article, which means absolutely nothing.

I mean on its face it really does sound like a bid for sympathy and attention.  Or some reassurance.

At least that may be how HE interpreted it.  Not that it had a bearing, it sounds like he had already lost interest.

I dunno, best to use this as a lesson learned.

Lowering expectations being the main one.

In any event, all the best moving forward.

 

Not over a week. Our date was Sunday 12/18. He reached out 12/23. (He actually reached out 12/22 to thank me for a Christmas card I had sent. Then, he reached out 12/23 with the article) I'm really not all that bothered by 4-5 days during the busiest week of the year. 

So my reason for sending the picture is sort of a "Here's what I've been doing with my day" text. It's not all that unusual to exchange such random texts between us. He might send me a pic of ornaments all over his living room while decorating his Christmas tree. Just random, "This is my life right now" texts. And, then mainly, as I mentioned before...I thought it might open the door for him to say if he had also been sick throughout the week. Even if just something like, "Yeah, I've felt yucky too. It's been going around at work" or something like that. I figured if he had been sick, like I had, he may have said something about it. I thought that might be slightly more subtle than....."Hey, so, have you had the flu?"

If I was looking for attention, I would have messaged him over the weekend. But, truthfully....I was miserable between Friday and Sunday. I wasn't looking for any attention....I just wanted to feel better. 

 

 

 

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

7 hours ago, glows said:

Is he always the first one reaching out? The romance may have fizzled out if you haven’t texted him anything first or initiated any conversations.

If I’m having a great time I’ll usually add that we should do this again or it’ll be my turn picking the venue or plans. Just a thank you means I’m not certain or probably won’t want to see you again.

I’d reach out a last time and say something like “I hope you’re doing well and have had some time to relax. What are your plans for New Years?” 

I wouldn’t read into his asking about how you’re doing. I dislike people making a big deal when I’m sick, it’s over, done and now let’s have some fun. Just keep in mind different people perceive things differently. And you have to show initiative too.
 

 

I wouldn't say always. I would say maybe 60/40. Maybe 50/50 sometimes. I am just the kind of person, with anyone, not just him....that if thing are busy, I just let people be. If I am talking to someone in accounting, and it is tax season, I lay low and wait till they have time to reach out. If someone is a teacher, and it is Finals Week, I keep my distance until after the week, or until they reach out. With it being the holidays, it's definitely a time of year I expect that people are busy, so I let them come to me. 

Now, during "normal" times of year, I would say things are pretty equal, and I show initiative, and I reach out when I want to reach out. 

I'm not sure if I will give it one last go; if I do, I will take your scripting into consideration. But....it may be time to presume that the ship has sailed. 

 

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

That's interesting. Did this happened before meeting in person?

No. This was a couple of weeks after Date #2. 

 

 

6 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

The week-long silence between you and him tells me neither of you was really excited. Three dates is enough to have some movement. Lack of movement after three dates means basically there is nothing propelling you guys forwarding. You aren't well matched--neither of you likes the other all that much. 

You got to distinguish between an OK date (pleasant, not painful, friendly) and a exciting date--with real potential and chemistry. If you and he had REALLY connected on that date, the week-long break of silence would have been devastating, deeply disappointing. You guys would have connected in that time. 

Here are your words echoing mine: The last date was perfectly nice, no complaints at all. That to me is not a great date. That's an OK pleasant date. You want a great date. Pursuing mediocre dates is only (in my experience) a way of getting involved with people that you're not really interested in. Let's say he had pursued you aggressively after that third date, sounds to me like you would have responded well even though the best you can say is "no complaints."

Romance doesn't work with tepid interest. It just doesn't. It's hard enough when there is deep interest. 

Given that there was no real connection from what I can see, makes sense that he wouldn't comfort you about the flu. You're not at that point in a relationship. Now, there are warm people who would have found some words, but those would have merely been words. 

So this latest flu response is only the last piece of evidence that you and him are going nowhere. But there was clear evidence before. 

 

I know this isn't everyone, but when I say a date was perfectly nice....that is high praise. A relationship cannot sustain on fireworks and symphonies. A relationship sustains on the quietness, the easiness of companionship. 

I have had spectacular dates. I have had knock it out of the park dates. While I appreciate both kinds of dates, I will say that neither kind has been a predictor of the kind of relationship that would come from it. 

But, the ability to sit and have nice conversation, chuckle over shared interests, be flirty over a good meal, and then get kicked out of a restaurant because you shut the place down....like I said....perfectly nice. And I don't mean that in a bad way. 

As far as connection, I actually had a moment on that date that was the single biggest connection moment I have ever had on a date ever. It's silly and random and most people would find it boring. But....for me, it was....a once-in-a-blue moon moment. Apparently, he didn't feel the connection like I did. But...I did feel a connection indeed. 

 

 

[BrinnM]

22 minutes ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

my reason for sending the picture is sort of a "Here's what I've been doing with my day" text. It's not all that unusual to exchange such random texts between us. He might send me a pic of ornaments all over his living room while decorating his Christmas tree. Just random, "This is my life right now" texts.

Yeah, I don’t think you did anything wrong here. It’s neither needy, nor weird. Many people do that. I think there’s something else going on, and you will most likely never find out what it is. He seems to have just moved on, unfortunately. 

[Gaeta]

22 minutes ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

Not over a week. Our date was Sunday 12/18. He reached out 12/23. (He actually reached out 12/22 to thank me for a Christmas card I had sent. Then, he reached out 12/23 with the article) I'm really not all that bothered by 4-5 days during the busiest week of the year. 

When did you send that xmas card?

Four days is a very long time without contact  between 2 people that had 3 dates.

Are you looking for a serious relationship? May l ask your age?

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

8 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

You know his level of interest in you now,which I am sorry to say, is low.  I sight this example : Many years ago I was on a dating website and this guy and I connected.  We would have a grand total of 6 dates.  I picked the meeting places, he said okay.  I asked him what he liked to do for fun and whatnot he said he needed something else to do other than play cards with his buddies on Saturday night.  He never even asked me my last name, I never did his either.  However, we were not dating.  We were meeting up and eating dinner together.  One day he probably got his credit card bill and said "Oh s***" and that was that.  

Just move on.  It what it is.  And I hope you feel better. 

 

Thank you. I do feel much better. 

And yes....at least now I know. I mean....here is the thing. After 3 dates, I wouldn't expect interest to be super-high. We are getting to know each other, so interest should be building. So, it doesn't surprise me that his interest would be so meh. It does surprise me, and sadden me, that it's pretty much non-existant. 

 

 

 

5 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

I’m baffled that you expected this guy to check in with you about your health. 

Illness aside, this man is not interested in continuing to date you. 
 

A man who is interested does not let a week slip by with no contact. His silence was communicating everything you needed to know. 
 

However,  him not contacting you whilst you’re sick should cement this message loud and clear. 
 

He’s not interested and you shouldn’t be either. I suggest you don’t contact him again and move on. 

Oh trust me, the message is loud and clear, for sure. 

As far as the lack of contact....he almost prepared me for it. I knew that his work was going to be bonkers that week. I also knew that he was preparing his home for his family to visit, (by preparing, I mean, there were rooms needing dry-walled and painted before they could arrive.) I myself was running into a crazy week as well, so I had no room to talk . 

But, at this point....sick or not....my lack of hearing from him speaks volumes.

 

 

4 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You are expecting wayyyyy too much from a guy who you have been on *three* dates with.  You are talking about him as if he's your boyfriend who isn't checking in on you.  You've been on three dates.  This is not a relationship.  

I would take his lack of communication to indicate that he's probably no longer interested in you, maybe there won't be a fourth date.  Don't expect anything from him.  Just move on.

I don't mean to expect way too much. As I said, to me, this is bare minimum stuff. This is common decency stuff. This is...how would I treat even my most casual friends? 

But...yeah I don't expect anything from him at this point. 

 

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you are still interested, you could text him that you're better and suggest getting together.

However 3 dates in and anything can happen, especially since you are both still talking to and meeting others.

Perhaps he was concerned that you mentioned you may have gotten it from him. Then there's the holidays. Then there's you not contacting him or sending holiday greeting.

Between the "maybe I got the flu from you" and not sending holiday greetings he may have thought you're not interested and simply moved on.

I didn't mention it to him about the flu....that I thought I got it from him. (I don't even know where I got it from, just was trying to narrow down the pool) I just told him I had the flu, and figured that he would volunteer the information if in fact he had had it as well, or if he had had symptoms as well. 

Now....he may have been on the same wavelength and inferred it. Definitely possible. But, I didn't come out and state it. 

 

4 hours ago, BrinnM said:

This has nothing to do with your flu. 
He did not say merry Christmas. That’s the indicator that you won’t go out anymore. Something happened between the day he reached out to you with an article, and Christmas. We don’t know what it is. An ex? Somebody new? Something you said? ….. he’s lost interest, and it’s not bc of the flu. Sure, he could’ve asked how you’ve been and if you needed anything, but by then he was already more or less done 

I think you are right that.....something happened. 

 

2 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

from my own experience….

 

this is a no man’s lamp d zone.

 

you are too new to do something seriously caring. For one you might be getting care from family and close friends and they don’t want you meeting them this soon.  For  two, if he did something it might turn you off as being too close too soon thrn you pull away. For three, he doesn’t want to wake you up if you were asleep or bother you.

 

I’ve ran into these kinged of events multiple times during my dating life.  One time a woman I was dating pooped on me because she had some medical thing going on. I only found out about this later when she contacted me about 3-4 months later. I had no reason not to believe her. Sure she coukd have bern lying to me.

 

At this time in a relationship can be dicey. It’s very common early on like this ehere one goes on a pre planned vacation or business trip thrn out of sight/ out of mind and it ends.  Your situation  can be the same.

 

As the title of this thread states....I wasn't looking for anything "seriously caring." I wasn't expecting him to bring me a crock of soup. Just....bare minimum. 

But yes....it is/was a dicey time in the relationship. With the holidays especially....it's too early to do anything particularly romantic. Too early for gifts. 

But, there still needs to be some sort of acknowledgement. Not a big one. Not too big, not too small. 

Remind me to never date during the holidays again. 

[Weezy1973]

14 minutes ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

As I said, to me, this is bare minimum stuff. This is common decency stuff. This is...how would I treat even my most casual friends? 

If someone reaching out to you to see how you’re doing with your illness is “bare minimum stuff” after only three dates, no exclusivity and both still actively on dating sites, your expectations are way too high. You’re only going to be disappointed. 

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

34 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

Yeah, I don’t think you did anything wrong here. It’s neither needy, nor weird. Many people do that. I think there’s something else going on, and you will most likely never find out what it is. He seems to have just moved on, unfortunately. 

Could be...a mystery that will never be solved.  

 

33 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

When did you send that xmas card?

Four days is a very long time without contact  between 2 people that had 3 dates.

Are you looking for a serious relationship? May l ask your age?

I sent the Christmas Card out the Friday before. 

My age is 40. 

 

 

 

 

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

I wouldn't read much into him not checking in while you're sick.....but the lack of a Merry Christmas greeting speaks volumes.   Sorry to say, he's moved on

I think you are correct, sadly. 

 

[BrinnM]

 Depending on the interest level, I’d totally respond to a guy who tells me he’s been sick. If there’s no interest, sure, there won’t be a reply on my part, or maybe just a meaningless, shallow one. A one-liner, maybe without a question, so the convo would die quickly…..

[ ] 

Edited December 30, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
debating

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

21 hours ago, BrinnM said:

Nah, come on. Depending on the interest level, I’d totally respond to a guy who tells me he’s been sick. If there’s no interest, sure, there won’t be a reply on my part, or maybe just a meaningless, shallow one. A one-liner, maybe without a question, so the convo would die quickly…..

[ ] 

Thank you, I agree with what you say whole-heartedly. 

I do want to correct a few things, particularly the order of events, etc. I think there has been some confusion. I think some people are assuming that he didn't reply to me at all, which isn't the case.

 

1) He sent me an article, to which I made a comment about. I then sent him the photo of my side table, and told him I had been under the weather.

2) He did reply to me. In fact, he was the person who encouraged me to go to Quick Care sooner than later. There was a major snow storm here in the US, but he said he felt the roads were decent enough that I should be able to get to the clinic relatively safely. At that point, I passed out. 

3) I ended up going to Quick Care, got tested, and came back flu-positive. So, once I got back home from the clinic, I sent him a text that I went to Quick Care, and confirmed it was, in fact, the flu. 

4) He replied that it was good that I got an answer, but blech that it was the flu after all. 

5) I told him I was thinking of getting a hotel room, so that I could quarantine away from my family, so that everyone (but me) could get together for Christmas. He gave me a cheeky reply you might expect related to hotel rooms. I gave his cheeky reply my own cheeky reply. 

And that was the last I heard. 

 

But....something happened or something changed between then and now. Even between then and Christmas. 

Edited December 30, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BrinnM]

Yeah, see, the chronology shows that the I’m sick thingy wasn’t the reason at all. 
Now I’m totally curious myself what happened. Please update, should you ever find out!! 

[poppyfields]

23 minutes ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

But....something happened or something changed between then and now. Even between then and Christmas. 

Just goes to prove, context means so much.  And as such, your last post providing more context changes my opinion somewhat.

Re the above, it's possible he also got sick!

Are you still interested?   I gather you are otherwise you would not have created this thread.

If this were me, and truly into the man, I would reach out asking him how his holiday was, ask him how HE is and let him know you are feeling better and suggest doing something fun after the new year.

His answer will tell you everything you need to know including if he doesn't respond at all.

But I would give it a shot, again assuming you are truly into this man and would like to continue dating him.

Something I have learned @KamaladoesntrhymewitPamelais that things are NOT always what they appear to be and that early stage dating can be precarious and often confusing for both people.

Good luck!

 

Edited December 30, 2022 by poppyfields

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm just not sure there is evidence this guy was ever really interested. He seems more in the go-through-the-motions mode, where he doesn't feel all that much but he wants to do the bare minimum to keep options open.

In my experience sending a card or checking on someone being sick mean nothing--nothing!--if there isn't some chemistry after three dates. 

But OP, maybe card sending and flu caring is your way of screening people--and it seems that can work. We're just saying you could dump this guy faster. 

Gotta say there is no correlation at all between my closeness to people and whether or not they send me Xmas cards. None! I get cards from people who like to send cards. And frankly, I'm not moved by cards unless they have some truly meaningful writing that fits me and fits where we are in the relationship--very specifically so. 

 

[Alpacalia]

Are you more upset that you haven't heard from him or that you feel he is inconsiderate?

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Are you more upset that you haven't heard from him or that you feel he is inconsiderate?

Ummmmm.....yes?

I feel like it's kind of one and the same. 

I think ultimately, it's the second one. I mean.....yes, it's the first one. But, I guess ultimately, it makes me wonder what kind of person he is. 

[Ami1uwant]

4 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

I didn't mention it to him about the flu....that I thought I got it from him. (I don't even know where I got it from, just was trying to narrow down the pool) I just told him I had the flu, and figured that he would volunteer the information if in fact he had had it as well, or if he had had symptoms as well. 

Now....he may have been on the same wavelength and inferred it. Definitely possible. But, I didn't come out and state it. 

 

I think you are right that.....something happened. 

 

 

As the title of this thread states....I wasn't looking for anything "seriously caring." I wasn't expecting him to bring me a crock of soup. Just....bare minimum. 

But yes....it is/was a dicey time in the relationship. With the holidays especially....it's too early to do anything particularly romantic. Too early for gifts. 

But, there still needs to be some sort of acknowledgement. Not a big one. Not too big, not too small. 

Remind me to never date during the holidays again. 

holidays are always a difficult time to date.  I try to avoid dating then because even if things are going great it’s too early to do things like get together with each other’s family, go to some sort of friends/ work holiday party, too early to buy gifts because you can get in trouble either way if you give to little or too much/ too personal.  
 

one getting sick can be similar. They might also view getting sick in different ways like (2) I never get sick or (2) if I get sick I take care of myself and actually don’t want/ need to be cared for snd rather be left alone attitude and just apply it as how they view it.

 

all my life I’ve has asthma.  This is alway something I have to talk about with dates is if I have one I’ll be fine, but I don’t want to become the center of attention during one because it actually causes more stress in me likely making it worse. If I needed help I’d say something.

 

 

 

 

 

[Weezy1973]

4 hours ago, poppyfields said:

But I would give it a shot, again assuming you are truly into this man and would like to continue dating him.

Yes exactly. Him not reaching out to you to see how you’re doing with your flu is a nothingburger. It doesn’t give you any kind of window into his character or whether or not he’s still interested. I honestly wouldn’t expect any of my close friends or family to keep checking on me if they know I’m sick. They all have lives of their own and I can take care of myself. But everybody is different. It sounds to me like you’re taking what you would do and then expecting him to do the same thing. That’s just weird. 
 

if you’re interested in him, then you reach out to him. What do you have to lose? Also just random the amount  of posts by women especially, including this one, where their interest in a guy seems to take a complete backseat to how interested the guy appears to be in them. That too is weird. 

Edited December 30, 2022 by Weezy1973

[Gaeta]

17 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

My age is 40

So this man is 40ish as well?

He's not new to dating, not new to courting women, not new to life.

If he's not pursuing you the way you like, if he's not giving you the type of attention you like, you're dating the wrong man.

I spent 5 months dating the wrong man before meeting my current bf. The 5 month man was a good man, good heart, stable, but he did not court me the way l liked. I like a man that calls me, keeps in touch, that makes plans, a man that makes me feel important. Those very first 3 dates are crucial if you want to win the heart of a woman. You don't go silent 4 days, you don't skip the opportunity to let her know she's on your mind by wishing her merry xmas.

My current bf (4months) l've never called him. I don't have to...he calls me every day without fail ! Always has from the day we met. He's not an insecure boy, he's not waiting for my text or call. Your guy is not waiting for your text or calls either, at 40 he knows what to do. Hs's not into doing it for you.

Edited December 30, 2022 by Gaeta

[poppyfields]

Op, wanting to clarify.  I don't think your guy is waiting for your call nor do I think he's insecure. 

He lost interest somewhere along the way, and if you were smart you would self-reflect to determine your own role in why that happened. 

Dating is a two way street, not one person, the man, making all the effort, calling, texting, chasing. 

That's not how it typically works and frankly I wouldn't want it to.

Stop being a passenger in your own life. Take charge of your life, be proactive. 

Otherwise, you'll be 50 or even 60 years old and still sitting where you are now. 

 

 

Edited December 30, 2022 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

OP, would also like to add that personally I would not trust a man who did not need or require me or any woman to put forth effort, initiate, call, text, etc.

There is something very off about that imo, especially in today's dating environment.

Good, high quality men with healthy self-esteem DO need women to put forth her fair share of effort, initiating, calling, texting. 

Again, I wouldn't want it any other way, 

[ ] 

Edited December 30, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[spiderowl]

On 12/29/2022 at 2:00 PM, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

This guy and I have been seeing each other. It's far from serious, as we've only had 3 dates so far. But, other than the last couple of weeks, we talk most days, so I feel like there is at the very least a surface-level friendship. 

The last date was perfectly nice, no complaints at all. He texted me afterwards to thank me for coming, I thanked him for dinner. And...that was that. Now that would have been 12/18; I was super busy with work myself, as well as last minute holiday preparations. I am sure he was also just as busy. So...we didn't talk for most of that week. He did reach out that Friday with a news article...so we talked a bit. 

I let him know I tested positive with the flu. Mainly, I was curious if he was the one I caught it from, so I thought he would let me know if he had been sick throughout the week. But, apparently he hadn't had the flu. He expressed a pretty basic level of sympathy for me. We talked a bit longer, and then I was down and out for most of the weekend. 

Herein lies my issue. I haven't heard from him since. Not once. Not a "Merry Christmas" text. Not even a "Merry Christmas" meme. Okay fine, no big deal. But, the fact that he knew I had the flu and hasn't messaged to find out how I am feeling? Not one time? That's hard for me to swallow. Most of my friends reach out once a day...at least, and ask how I am feeling, if I am feeling better, etc. I just cannot fathom a friend or someone I am dating, or heck, even just an acquaintance, telling me they have the flu, and then not following up to ask them if they are feeling better. To me, there is a bare minimum of decency. 

I am not asking or expecting him to bring me a bowl of soup and to dote on me. I'm not expecting something over the top. Just the bare minimum. Just a simple, "Hey, how are you feeling?" Is that really expecting too much? 

He doesn’t sound like he has much empathy. Some don’t. You did not sound very enthused after your dates. Maybe in your heart of hearts you were already having doubts about him? Having also met someone with little empathy, I know we are not compatible. It is frustrating because he was bright and cheery but such a relationship will always be lacking 

[CaliforniaGirl]

On 12/29/2022 at 4:32 PM, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

Thank you, I agree with what you say whole-heartedly. 

I do want to correct a few things, particularly the order of events, etc. I think there has been some confusion. I think some people are assuming that he didn't reply to me at all, which isn't the case.

 

1) He sent me an article, to which I made a comment about. I then sent him the photo of my side table, and told him I had been under the weather.

2) He did reply to me. In fact, he was the person who encouraged me to go to Quick Care sooner than later. There was a major snow storm here in the US, but he said he felt the roads were decent enough that I should be able to get to the clinic relatively safely. At that point, I passed out. 

3) I ended up going to Quick Care, got tested, and came back flu-positive. So, once I got back home from the clinic, I sent him a text that I went to Quick Care, and confirmed it was, in fact, the flu. 

4) He replied that it was good that I got an answer, but blech that it was the flu after all. 

5) I told him I was thinking of getting a hotel room, so that I could quarantine away from my family, so that everyone (but me) could get together for Christmas. He gave me a cheeky reply you might expect related to hotel rooms. I gave his cheeky reply my own cheeky reply. 

And that was the last I heard. 

 

But....something happened or something changed between then and now. Even between then and Christmas. 

 

When you say you passed out, do you mean literally passed out? On the phone with him?

I wonder whether he thought you were making a really big thing about this flu and trying to get him to feel sorry for you. I don't know how else to put that. You said he told you to go get medical care, and that IS a basic level of sympathy. Maybe he thought you are a drama queen and noped out of there.