Is he depressed and retreating or just ghosting me?

[Piddle]

I’ve been in a situationship with this guy for like a year. We're not dating, I don't know what we're doing. We met in the where he lives we were attracted to each other but nothing more. I went back home and we texted daily for months. He was the driver on this and would not let the convo die. I always knew I was going back to where he's from and was figuring out job situation. So almost 8 months later I finally move over and he’s super excited, we hang out, he comes over to dinner a couple times a week but nothing is really moving. I wasn’t too worried as I was setting up my home and life and at this point only 3 weeks had passed since I moved.

The guy is on a career break living in his parents home and they live somewhere else. 3 weeks in to me living here he begins to talk about how he’s going under mentally. The strain of life not turning out like he expected money running out and the stress of now having to go back to his industry which bored him. The daily messages are becoming less and he's less involved but I figure it’s because we see each other now more often (once or twice a week), I pull back to see if he wants space and he reaches out.

Then one day he comes and he looks terrible. He had a breakdown 15 years ago and we talk about how this time it feels different. He comes a week later looking even more awful. He falls asleep and I wake up to him  in the middle of the night stumbling out my front door saying he needs to go he can’t be still. Then a few days later I get a message from him apologizing for ‘going silent’ but promises he will ‘make it up to me’ and explains that’s he’s not doing so good. So I keep messaging him maybe once every day/ two days asking if he’s ok. Mostly he responds and it’s normally ‘no’ or ‘a little’

On to the matter in hand. He now says he’s feeling a bit better. His two best friends from college are over for the break so I know they’re hanging out and going places. He promised to call, I wait for the call and he doesn't call. He promised to come over before Christmas to exchange gifts I tried to nail down a date saying 'how about X day' and he didn't reply. I sent a message two days after saying 'I'm worried are you ok' and he finally replies but says nothing about coming over. A few days later he then messages ‘I’d love to see you’ so I text him like several times to come on specific dates or I offered a choice of days and places and nothing. No response even to say ‘I’m busy/ too sad’ or whatever.  He may respond to something else I said or he texts to say ‘merry Christmas’ or whatever. Basically he’s ghosting me in terms of meaningful interactions. I just can’t figure out if this is the mental health in which case I’m happy to wait or do what I need to do to give him space or help or is he just wanting to get out of this situation because now I’m real. I’m no longer this mystery figure i was when I was far away. He’s super non confrontational so this is a real possibility. I've really fallen for him so I’d like to give a chance but also I’d like to know if I should cut my losses and further pain. I'm in so much pain right now because it feels like I've been rejected by the guy I've poured my heart and soul out to. So do I preserve myself and walk away.

The whole timeline for this is a year and in person October to now.

[poppyfields]

26 minutes ago, Piddle said:

I just can’t figure out if this is the mental health in which case I’m happy to wait or do what I need to do to give him space or help or is he just wanting to get out of this situation because now I’m real. I’m no longer this mystery figure i was when I was far away.

Bolded - I think this is a real possibility. 

There are people like this, who actually prefer distance.  They seek such relationships out.  You happen to meet in person while you were in his area but he knew you lived a distance away and would be leaving.

In any event, as soon as the distance gap closes and they move to their partner's area, suddenly they're not quite so intrigued anymore.  Which may have happened here.

That's whey when I was dating (on line and off), I never responded to any man who lived a long distance away.

There is some sort of agenda there, most likely a fear of commitment, intimacy or whatever.

This man has mental issues, he had a break down previously.

There are loads of red flags here, you would be wise to heed the warning and perhaps consider this a blessing in disguise.

Or as we often say here a bullet dodged.

I'm really sorry.

[ShyViolet]

There are so many reasons to walk away from this no-win situation, I can't even count them.

This guy's life is a mess, he has mental problems, no job, lives with his parents and always seems to be wallowing in his problems.  Once you actually moved to his city and you're attempting to spend time with him, he's avoiding you, not responding to your texts, avoiding making plans with you.  He's not even interested in you.  If you need to keep asking him over and over to make plans with you, and you're not getting a positive response, then you need to stop.

Surely your self-esteem must not be so low that you'd chase a guy like this?  

 

[BrinnM]

6 hours ago, Piddle said:

So almost 8 months later I finally move over and he’s super excited

Wait - may I ask why you moved? Was it “for” him, like after you guys discussed it because you wanted a future together, or was it a completely independent decision on your part because of a career change, or a family move, or something else of that type? 

[glows]

Yes, cut your losses. He has things he needs to work out. You move on and be a little more careful about who you choose to date.

Think about things a bit more realistically. Everything may be one-sided.

He stays at your place because he lives with his parents. He’s inbetween jobs and lives with his parents suggesting money is tight. How does he take you out on dates? There’s even a good chance he may not have bought you a gift because he doesn’t have the money to purchase what he’d like to get you. Many people also derive motivation and purpose from their jobs or careers. He doesn’t have that.

What is he going to say to you if he calls you? Imagine what it feels like to have to keep reassuring someone you’re doing ok because nothing is “ok”. You checking in on him feels more like a guardian or social worker than a partner. The air is so heavy it could crush rocks. If your conversations center a lot around his ongoing issues or things he has to work out chances are he’s not enjoying it either and is very aware this is incredibly unhealthy and going nowhere. 

For your own sake, please be more realistic and pick someone more on your wavelength. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad person or not a good person. You’re not on the same page.

[Piddle]

7 hours ago, BrinnM said:

Wait - may I ask why you moved? Was it “for” him, like after you guys discussed it because you wanted a future together, or was it a completely independent decision on your part because of a career change, or a family move, or something else of that type? 

No, I moved for a job. It was changing countries & I came over for like 8 weeks while freelancing to see if I would like it. We have a niche hobby we share and I went to a meet-up when there to see how easy it would be to make friends & we met there. We swapped numbers towards the end, went for drinks just the two of us and I went home and then he started texting me several times a day. He came over to my city for a visit, I went back for another visit. So we did see each other. I did not move for him by any means but it was a nice bonus. 

[Piddle]

Thanks for all the responses. I guess I needed to hear these things. with asking him to see me. Week before Christmas I had asked for help for something which he promised to come over and help me do. He did not show, then text apologising saying he was 'overwhelmed and had not slept'. So I just ignored him because well I'm mad at the lack of respect... He then sends several messages to the effect of  'Can I see you before Christmas, I have something for you' so I gave him concrete options on times. He doesn't reply.  He then messages after Christmas  'I would love to see you.' So again I reply with concrete options and he disappears again. 

I also have my sister. brother and nephew with me so part of me wonders if he's on such a downer he can't face meeting some my family.

I guess the history of it is that many years ago I had a mental health crisis and I know how impossible it is. I have empathy that makes me not want to walk away if this is mental health but I guess I realise I need to walk away because he seems to have checked out for whatever reason.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

This isn't his mental health. 

It's plain lack of interest. A mental health problem wouldn't preclude him from saying (again) that he's not doing well and will see you again once he's in a better spot. He's been open before about his struggles, so I don't see why he woudln't be honest now if that were the case. 

 But instead you are chasing and he is dodging you. He is ignoring your attempts to meet up, which is very intentional. I am going to guess he's got someone else on the radar now and is priroritizing her. Either way, after a year of not dating and not really going anywhere, aren't you tired of this? It seems this is a dead end, no matter what the reason is. 

I would stop reaching out and start extricating yourself from this. It's not going end the way you hoped. 

[BrinnM]

2 hours ago, Piddle said:

He then sends several messages to the effect of  'Can I see you before Christmas, I have something for you' so I gave him concrete options on times. He doesn't reply.  He then messages after Christmas  'I would love to see you.' So again I reply with concrete options and he disappears again. 

He sounds conflicted. Always reaching out, and never following through. He could be overwhelmed with something, for sure, but if he doesn’t say what it is, it’s better if you don’t contact him again. Which you don’t, as I understand it.
Because to you, he’s just an unreliable friend at this point, and honestly, I hate it when people promise some help, and then don’t show. They are causing an inconvenience, period. 
He didn’t sleep, yes, that could be an indicator of something mental/emotional, burnout or something, but you don’t know if it’s true or just an excuse. And the back and forth afterwards is just another inconvenience. Very annoying! 
My guess is that if he weren’t interested at all, he wouldn’t make that first step over and over and over again. Why he doesn’t follow through, we don’t know, but it could be depression, or another relationship or anything else really. Whatever it is, I would be mad as hell that somebody’s wasting my time like that, but I also know that men in particular aren’t really open & honest (especially with a new love interest) if they have some stress factors going on in their lives at any giving moment, or a mental health issue or depression or whatever. But at the end of the day it doesn’t matter. If he wants you to understand, he needs to explain further. Otherwise, take it at face value: He’s a no show. Finding out why isn’t your job. It’s his job to explain, and if he doesn’t, that’s on him. 

Edited December 30, 2022 by BrinnM

[poppyfields]

18 hours ago, poppyfields said:

There is some sort of agenda there, most likely a fear of commitment, intimacy or whatever.

Re-quoting^ for emphasis and agree with @BrinnMhe's conflicted.  Very conflicted, clearly 

Cut your losses @Piddleand try to not take personally.

The man's got issues.  Fears, anxieties and mental problems that existed long before you came along. 

I'm sorry. 

 

Edited December 30, 2022 by poppyfields

[Lotsgoingon]

This is a terrible situation. Absolutely get out now. It's not your job to help someone through a medical condition when you don't even have a clear relationship with them. Caretaking someone in medical trouble (physical of mental) requires a strong relationship BEFOREHAND. You literally can't do it because you don't know him well enough to even know if he's b.s.-ing you. 

Get out! 

[ShyViolet]

14 hours ago, Piddle said:

I have empathy that makes me not want to walk away if this is mental health but I guess I realise I need to walk away because he seems to have checked out for whatever reason.

 

Let's say that it is due to mental health.... it is NOT your place to "help" him with his mental health.  That is not how dating works.  You can't help him with those issues.  If his mental health issues get in the way of his ability to make plans with you or date, then he's simply not ready to date.  And you need to accept that and leave him alone.  Stop playing his games, and stop getting sucked in when he decides to text you again with one of his pointless offers to hang out that he never follows through on.

[poppyfields]

His "mental health" issues are his anxieties and fears surrounding relationships and commitment.  I am very familiar with such issues, believe me.

The more you try to "help" him, the more anxious he gets! 

This is a no-win for you OP.

Wish him well and walk away for your own mental health. 

[smackie9]

This guy has mental difficulties...not your problem, cut him loose. That's how you make life simpler.

[stillafool]

He's probably involved and been involved with another woman all while he was texting you before you got there.  Now that you are there he's stressed because you keep wanting to see him but he's got someone else.  He doesn't know what to do to get out of his situation with you because he lied to you.

[Piddle]

I've decided to walk away. He came around and we had a conversation where he talked even more about how terrible his mental health is and I realised I can't help him. He doesn't know what to do with his life even where he wants to live. And the only power I have for the life I want is to walk and find someone compatible. Thanks for the advice. I needed to hear that.

[glows]

Good for you. Keep focusing on you and worry about yourself. Start dating partners who are on the same page as you, not a reflection either of an old you. We evolve and grow past those stages - part of moving on and growing.

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, Piddle said:

And the only power I have for the life I want is to walk and find someone compatible

Absolutely correct, and good call. 

A year is way too long to be in a vague and undefined situation like this. Whatever his reasoning is, this needed to end ayway. 

[JTSW]

You did the right thing.

He has a mountain of personal issues and you can't help him.

He needs to help himself.

It was also unfair of him to keep you on a thread like that.