Should I next my so called friend? She keeps making plans and flaking out

[Chloeflowers]

I reconnected with a friend back in September. The last time we hung out was 2 years ago. We lost contact. We made all these plans to hang out, etc, etc, and NEVER do we hang out. She is transgender-born male but transitioning to female, we live in a city I suppose that's not too LGBTQ friendly according to her. She tells me that when she goes out in public people will give her really dirty looks and just stare at her at disgust-because they know she is a guy wearing a dress -that's what she tells me. And if she does go out to the store-she goes during times when its not busy. And that she's not comfortable with public situations. Which I can understand. So I ask her when are we going to hang out, but then she always replies, "maybe this weekend." And our plans are always "coffee and shopping" when its not busy with people, or going to visiting a place where she would feel safe like a gay bar. There's also a town that's 30 minutes away where its LGBTQ friendly, but those plans never happen. But then always tells me that she hangs out with her friends and that she went shopping over the weekend. I'm like wth? A couple of days ago, I told her that we should hang out and catch up, so we made plans to grab coffee at a drive thru and just sit in the car together to chat in the morning. Well she texted me and said she couldn't make it because she wouldn't have time-it was only 10am and she didn't have to get to work at 2pm, still she could have at least grabbed a coffee and met up-her excuse was that she needs to "get dolled" up before she heads out the door because she tells me she looks like a guy and doesnt want strangers giving her nasty looks. If we are just going to hang out in the car , then why? Also, like a week ago, she told me that she couldn't hang out because she had a date with a guy that contacted her recently and that they use to date in the summer..um ok. She immediately makes plans WITH him, while we have been making plans for the last 2 months? Sounds like BS. She told me before if she had more confidence she would go out more, but clearing I know she is hanging out with her other friends-either going shopping or hanging out with them at their homes. What is with her behavior of acting like a shut-in, when clearly she socializes? Also, she told me that is going to her friends wedding out of state-so looks like she made solid plans.

I'm fed up with her, flaking out last minute. I see it this way, yes, people get busy, but when it comes to friendships-they make time or rearrange their schedules to spend time with people they want to hang out with. If she hangs out with her "other" friends instead, what does that tell you? 

Edited December 30, 2022 by Chloeflowers

[glows]

Do you know these friends she hangs out with or have you met them? They may be dates. I agree she’s not respectful of your time and doesn’t seem to treat the friendship in the same way. 

Treat this as a case where you don’t really know her. If she doesn’t want to spend time with you I’d stop trying to make plans. 

[Chloeflowers]

11 hours ago, glows said:

Do you know these friends she hangs out with or have you met them? They may be dates. I agree she’s not respectful of your time and doesn’t seem to treat the friendship in the same way. 

Treat this as a case where you don’t really know her. If she doesn’t want to spend time with you I’d stop trying to make plans. 

 I don't know any of her friends. Why would she lie about going on dates though? I called her out on it, and she apologized. She said that public situations still make her uncomfortable, and when she does hang out with her friends, she only goes to their houses. And when she does go shopping with them, she goes when it's not busy. Makes no sense that she suggests all these gay bars/drag shows, LGBTQ friendly joints to go to-when there will probably be packed with people. When I tell her we can go dress shopping in the morning when there's not congested, she then tells me that shopping/going store to store is "too draining" when she literally tells me that she went shopping with her friends over the weekend. That's happened twice now-she tells me she hung out with friends and went shopping. Also she made a "firm choice" that she will be going to her friends wedding out of state and is currently bridesmaid dress shopping. She's the one that makes all these "plans" about going out, yet when I tell her when, she said, "maybe" this weekend. And the fact that she immediately is going to meet up with this guy that she used to date over the summer and he reached out to her last minute instead of us catching up and making plans for the last 2 months pisses me off. I gave her the benefit of the doubt maybe she has some issues going on, but I keep hearing excuses after excuses. First that her car is in the shop, and I hear all these "maybes" 

[glows]

It’s possible she feels some body dysmorphia and experiences anxiety when out in public. I watched a Ted Talk recently about code switching because society inherently is ignorant and unsafe for anyone who does not look like the standard man or woman deemed acceptable by many communities. It went on to being assaulted in bathrooms and being harassed in public. If you can find it I suggest watching it as it may give you insight into what your friend is going through. 

Why does she have to tell you the whole truth about what she does? She may not feel comfortable saying she’s a homebody for fear of appearing like a loser or someone with no friends or social life. Things aren’t adding up for you so best to distance yourself and let her work it out. I 100% agree there are probably issues and she’s shared those with you. Depending on how much time you have this friendship may not be feasible. Let it go and find others to hang out with. 

[Chloeflowers]

17 minutes ago, glows said:

It’s possible she feels some body dysmorphia and experiences anxiety when out in public. I watched a Ted Talk recently about code switching because society inherently is ignorant and unsafe for anyone who does not look like the standard man or woman deemed acceptable by many communities. It went on to being assaulted in bathrooms and being harassed in public. If you can find it I suggest watching it as it may give you insight into what your friend is going through. 

Why does she have to tell you the whole truth about what she does? She may not feel comfortable saying she’s a homebody for fear of appearing like a loser or someone with no friends or social life. Things aren’t adding up for you so best to distance yourself and let her work it out. I 100% agree there are probably issues and she’s shared those with you. Depending on how much time you have this friendship may not be feasible. Let it go and find others to hang out with. 

Idk, I mean, I looked at her facebook page and it has post of her and a friend at a store shopping and taking selfies together, I clearly see her leaving store reviews of all the places she goes shopping. But if we were to go to an LGBTQ place, it wouldn't be an issue because she will feel safe there-what she told me, and not be harassed out in public. So why wouldn't she want us to hang then? I'm just going to move on and make some other friends. 

[glows]

Then she’s clearly more comfortable with others like this one particular friend. I think it’s always better to look at a person’s actions.

She’s evaded hanging out and cancelled once to be with someone else, a guy she wanted to see. That should give an indication she doesn’t prioritize your time as a friend. I usually gravitate towards people who respect my time and meet when they say they’re going to meet because I do the same. 

I’m sorry this happened like this. I agree about distancing yourself and making plans with other friends.

[Wiseman2]

On 12/29/2022 at 11:30 PM, Chloeflowers said:

. She is transgender-born male but transitioning to female, we live in a city I suppose that's not too LGBTQ friendly according to her. 

Unfortunately her life is in too much flux and transition to be the kind of friend you want.

She may need to reorganize her life around her new needs and adjustments right now.

Step away. Perhaps in time you'll reconnect, but right now she's not into that.

[ShyViolet]

When someone keeps evading plans or flaking out on plans, then it's time to stop bothering to try with this person.  I don't think the trans thing has anything to do with it.... because she's still hanging out with other people, and she still flakes out even when the plans are made to hang out in a non-public place where you won't be around lots of people.  It shouldn't be like pulling teeth to get a person to hang out with you.  Stop contacting her.

[Chloeflowers]

20 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

When someone keeps evading plans or flaking out on plans, then it's time to stop bothering to try with this person.  I don't think the trans thing has anything to do with it.... because she's still hanging out with other people, and she still flakes out even when the plans are made to hang out in a non-public place where you won't be around lots of people.  It shouldn't be like pulling teeth to get a person to hang out with you.  Stop contacting her.

Yeah, I think she's using being trans as an excuse with me. Also, the fact that she told me has been applying to retail jobs-like a bridal store and even went to an interview -when its pretty obvious that working in a retail store requires contact with people and the public, awhile back, she told that she got hired at a retail store, but declined it because she would get a "panic attack" if she were to work there... wow...what gives. I don't know what her deal is. 

Should I give her a taste of her own medicine? Nothing too vengeful, just making up white lies about my life then blocking her number. Just a lesson taught. 

[MsJayne]

Regardless of gender, if someone keeps flaking it means two things, they have bad manners and they don’t care that much for your company. It sounds like she has some quite big issues with her transition and identity, which is perfectly understandable because she’d be experiencing a psychological and emotional roller coaster, and maybe she just doesn’t feel that comfortable with straight people even if she knows them and they’re completely accepting of her. You have different needs from a friendship, you want companionship and social interaction, but she just wants emotional and moral support. Id just let it go and stop putting your energy into it. 

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, Chloeflowers said:

Should I give her a taste of her own medicine? Nothing too vengeful, just making up white lies about my life then blocking her number. Just a lesson taught. 

No, would be really petty and immature.  Do you not have anything better to do?  If she's not good friend material then just cut her out of your life and move on.

[basil67]

5 hours ago, Chloeflowers said:

Should I give her a taste of her own medicine? Nothing too vengeful, just making up white lies about my life then blocking her number. Just a lesson taught. 

You friend sounds like she's really struggling.  Now, that doesn't mean that you should be hanging around waiting for her to come good on the meetups, but this kind of response would just be adding more harm to a person who's already feeling alienated. 

Just stop reaching out.  Perhaps in time she'll become more stable and a proper friendship may develop.  Or not.  But do try and avoid vindictiveness

[Chloeflowers]

4 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Regardless of gender, if someone keeps flaking it means two things, they have bad manners and they don’t care that much for your company. It sounds like she has some quite big issues with her transition and identity, which is perfectly understandable because she’d be experiencing a psychological and emotional roller coaster, and maybe she just doesn’t feel that comfortable with straight people even if she knows them and they’re completely accepting of her. You have different needs from a friendship, you want companionship and social interaction, but she just wants emotional and moral support. Id just let it go and stop putting your energy into it. 

Yup, I was thinking she just wants someone for emotional and moral support..a "texting" buddy not to actually hang out/social interaction with me. A majority of my conversations via text are about her being trans, how hard it is for her, how I can "help" her look more like a woman-all these plans to pick out outfits for her/makeup advice-which obviously never would happen us hanging out together. She is the one that brings up those convos about herself-not me. Then I reassure her that she looks like a woman and tells me how much she appreciates it..um ok. Looks like she is just seeking out a therapist. 

[MsJayne]

12 minutes ago, Chloeflowers said:

Yup, I was thinking she just wants someone for emotional and moral support..a "texting" buddy not to actually hang out/social interaction with me. A majority of my conversations via text are about her being trans, how hard it is for her, how I can "help" her look more like a woman-all these plans to pick out outfits for her/makeup advice-which obviously never would happen us hanging out together. She is the one that brings up those convos about herself-not me. Then I reassure her that she looks like a woman and tells me how much she appreciates it..um ok. Looks like she is just seeking out a therapist. 

So you’re providing a lot of moral support, but not getting anything back. Yep, the unpaid therapist. 

[glows]

10 hours ago, Chloeflowers said:

Should I give her a taste of her own medicine? Nothing too vengeful, just making up white lies about my life then blocking her number. Just a lesson taught. 

Hold on here and put this in perspective. She offended and hurt you by cancelling or making excuses. This ended up wasting some of your time but you were not put out in any other way.

This level of anger and the need for revenge is coming from somewhere else and you can either take the cue (a hard stop right here) and see this as a wake up call or keep going on with this type of reaction and end up becoming a person you no longer recognize one day.

This is a person who has only shown she doesn’t value your time - and by time, we’re talking about a series of text messages over only a couple of months. 

This doesn’t require any other action from you. You may not handle rejection very well and that’s something that you can work on. 

Edited January 1, 2023 by glows

[Chloeflowers]

16 hours ago, MsJayne said:

So you’re providing a lot of moral support, but not getting anything back. Yep, the unpaid therapist. 

What I don't get is why she would "invite" me out to places in the first place? Then when I would say we should do that this week/weekend, it was all a bunch of "maybes"

[stillafool]

On 12/29/2022 at 11:30 PM, Chloeflowers said:

I'm fed up with her, flaking out last minute. I see it this way, yes, people get busy, but when it comes to friendships-they make time or rearrange their schedules to spend time with people they want to hang out with. If she hangs out with her "other" friends instead, what does that tell you? 

 

So if you're fed up with her flaking out on you why do you continue to pursue?  Isn't it obvious she doesn't view you as a close friend that she wants to hang out with?  Stop chasing people who don't want to spend time with you.  Make new friends with people who are interested in being a friend.

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, Chloeflowers said:

. A majority of my conversations via text are about her being trans, how hard it is for her, how I can "help" her look more like a woman.

She seems to caught up in her adjustment to have time for your friendship. Just pull back.

[MsJayne]

 

2 hours ago, Chloeflowers said:

What I don't get is why she would "invite" me out to places in the first place? Then when I would say we should do that this week/weekend, it was all a bunch of "maybes"

 The possibility of an actual friendship is the carrot that she dangles so you’ll keep providing the audience that she needs to listen to her talking about herself. Can I ask what happens when you turn the conversation away from her and her transition? Does she by any chance quickly turn it back to herself again? Does she ever ask what’s going on in your life? Have you pondered just calling out the pretend invites? Just straight up, “Why do you always suggest hangouts and then always have excuses not to?” Challenging her might achieve two things, it’ll make you feel better because you’ve voiced your annoyance, and it’ll make her aware that you find her behaviour unacceptable. Throughout your thread the main vibe I’m getting is that this person is thoroughly self absorbed and a toxic bore. If she wasn’t hanging out with other people and was genuinely avoiding going out I wouldn’t be so harsh, but it’s obvious she just doesn’t rate you as a real friend. There’s people out there who deserve the kind of supportive and caring friend that you obviously are, but she’s not one of them. 

[Chloeflowers]

On 1/1/2023 at 2:40 PM, MsJayne said:

 

 The possibility of an actual friendship is the carrot that she dangles so you’ll keep providing the audience that she needs to listen to her talking about herself. Can I ask what happens when you turn the conversation away from her and her transition? Does she by any chance quickly turn it back to herself again? Does she ever ask what’s going on in your life? Have you pondered just calling out the pretend invites? Just straight up, “Why do you always suggest hangouts and then always have excuses not to?” Challenging her might achieve two things, it’ll make you feel better because you’ve voiced your annoyance, and it’ll make her aware that you find her behaviour unacceptable. Throughout your thread the main vibe I’m getting is that this person is thoroughly self absorbed and a toxic bore. If she wasn’t hanging out with other people and was genuinely avoiding going out I wouldn’t be so harsh, but it’s obvious she just doesn’t rate you as a real friend. There’s people out there who deserve the kind of supportive and caring friend that you obviously are, but she’s not one of them. 

If I ask her about something like what she's watching on netflix she'll ask me. Or will ask me what I'll be doing on the weekend. A few weekends ago, she asked if I wanted to meet her "new" friend that she made while she was shopping and supposedly a store that she got hired and declined the offer. She's like "oh we can all grab coffee or go to a club together." I know that's not going to happen. 

[poppyfields]

I would say she has a severe case of social anxiety, it's a very real and common affliction.

It can be debilitating and alter your life, preventing you from going out and socializing and connecting with people.

This is very much what it sounds like to me.

She doesn't mean to flake and my guess is when she makes these plans with you, she intends to go, but as the day approaches, her anxiety kicks in and she flakes.

It also sounds like she struggles with some issues related to her gender and/or being a transvestite.

Try to not take it personally, she's doing the best she can.  Perhaps you could do some research on social anxiety for a better understanding, Google is your friend here.

 

[Acacia98]

On 1/1/2023 at 9:20 PM, Chloeflowers said:

What I don't get is why she would "invite" me out to places in the first place? Then when I would say we should do that this week/weekend, it was all a bunch of "maybes"

I'm not sure it matters why she does it. All that matters is that her behavior is predictable, so there's no reason for you to keep accepting invitations. Just decline politely or stop communicating altogether, whatever works for you. Don't devote more energy to this subject than you need to. I'm pretty sure you have tons of way more important/interesting things you could be doing with your time.

[Wiseman2]

What you can do is keep her in the acquaintance pile and sidestep her insincere claims. Sometimes people say "let's do lunch" but of course don't really mean it. In the meantime lower your investment in her. You don't need to coach her through the transition.

Edited January 5, 2023 by Wiseman2

[JTSW]

She doesn't value your friendship.

Therefore she is NOT a friend.

Don't pursue this any longer and just stop asking.

Don't associate with her anymore because she clearly isn't that bothered about associating with you.