GF going on trip with male friend.

[2wheeltherapy]

Looking for some outside prospective on this.

Been dating and together for 2.5 years.  Marriage and future was always the plan.  A few months ago our relationship really start coming under stress due to poor communication about the future and stressors in my personal life.  Things went south and we were not talking for about a month.

We've re-started where we left off and have admitted both our failures in the relationship.  

My issue is she has planned a long weekend trip to a tropical party island with a male friend.  I've heard his name mentioned maybe 3 times in our relationship.  Never met him, not did she ever offer to introduce me.  Says she's been friends with him 20 years.

I have a real problem with my GF and future wife taking a romantic long weekend trip to a known party island with another man.  Yes, she made these plans while we were apart but I'm uncomfortable with this on all levels.  I consider myself more of a traditional when it comes to boundaries in relationship.  I believe that we both  have an obligation to each other to make each other feel secure in the relationship.  I believe we’re supposed to respect each other and the relationship, and I feel it’s reasonable not to unnecessarily create situations where you have to worry and stress about what each other is doing.

Am I completely out of line?  How would you proceed?

[BaileyB]

Yes, it’s completely out of line.

She decided to recommit to a relationship with you, which to me would mean that her trip with another man should be cancelled. 

[Gaeta]

Completely unacceptable to me. I would make this a make-it or break-it moment. I cannot even imagine putting my bf to this type of disrespect and the embarrassment this would bring to him. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I would tell her that if she proceeds with this plan, you won't be there when she gets back. 

 

[BrinnM]

Yes, another vote for unacceptable. 
She has a point, though, with the booking happening during your “break”, and while that has always been a very convenient excuse for many (“But we weren’t together!”), it also comes with cancellation fees & letting a friend down and whatnot (a friend you don’t know, may I add). 
The best solution in this situation would be to join them on their trip. Which of course depends on whether or not you can take off work, and if you want to spend the money, and some other organizational arrangements (like how many hotel rooms/sharing the room, etc.) - their (or her) reaction will be very telling! 
You can also suggest joining them on their trip, without really meaning to, just to see how she responds.
 

I personally believe - very generally speaking - that it can be a good idea to book a trip (to a party island with your opposite-sex-buddy 😬) while on a break from a relationship or after a breakup. It’s a good distraction. But you can’t always just live in the moment, either, right? She booked it and must’ve known in her heart  or at least considered that you guys might get together again at some point, and she should’ve considered this possibility while she made the booking decision. So this is on her …..

Edited December 30, 2022 by BrinnM

[Gaeta]

51 minutes ago, 2wheeltherapy said:

 Things went south and we were not talking for about a month.

Please note how fast she booked a trip after your breakup. No mourning for her, party beach was put on the menu even before your bed sheets cooled down. 

She losses the man she's suppose to marry, build a family with and she's booking trip down south at the moment you break up? Meh...big Meh. 

[Mrin]

Dude here. There are two issues:

1. Was it okay to book? This all depends on how final your breakup felt. I'm unclear as to whether you were just taking a month on break or if you had really ended it. If she felt like it was final then it was perfectly fine to book. Might be a little reboundy but perfectly fine. This whole thing reminds me of the "we were on a break" from Friends.

2. Is it okay to go through with it? I think we're all in alignment here that no, it's not cool to go through with it. What's more important to her? Growing and honoring her relationship with you or following through on plans she made with a friend (that are not acceptable to you)? You are not being unreasonable in your objection to her going. And besides it doesn't matter if you are somehow objectively reasonable or not - that either works for you or it doesn't. And this doesn't.

I don't believe in ultimatums. So I wouldn't advise issuing one. I would voice your position very clearly. Don't include any threats or consequences. And see what decision she makes. And then decide what to do based on her actions. Honestly dude, if she goes through with it, then consider yourself lucky at seeing her true colors before you got any deeper into this relationship.

[FMW]

What does she say about the trip?  What does she say is the reason she still intends to go on the trip?

On the face of it I can't imagine anyone would want their partner to go on a trip like that with someone else and the trip actually happening would be reason to end the relationship for good.  

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, FMW said:

and the trip actually happening would be reason to end the relationship for good.  

It's what the trip means that would end the relationship. 

I would not hesitate one minute and pay cancellation fees and my friend (especially if he's a friend of 20 years) would understand it is not inappropriate for me to travel alone with him to an exotic place, may I add where people drink all day and lay half naked on the sand. 

[2wheeltherapy]

Thanks everyone for the replies.  I wanted to clarify my OP.  

-We've been back together for 2 weeks living together.

-Things were rocky for about 4 months but I would say the "break" was early November until 2 weeks ago.

-She claims she "Moved on" but ironically never asked me to reclaim my possessions left behind. She stilll had pics of us(but down) and notes from me around the house.

-I know she went back to an ex who's been problematic in the past and did stuff but she claims she didn't have sex with him.  

-She mentioned this trip to me in an early conversation shortly after we started talking again 2 weeks ago.  

-She also made the passing statement that he's gay.  This honestly changes nothing for me.  

 

I don't know how I should approach the conversation .  Obviously I'm not going to say something like "You're not going" or even " I don't want you to go".

I think my best bet to to state it in the most subtle and concise way.  Maybe "I don't feel comfortable with my GF/future Fiancé/future wife traveling with another man".

 

[2wheeltherapy]

35 minutes ago, FMW said:

What does she say about the trip?  What does she say is the reason she still intends to go on the trip?

On the face of it I can't imagine anyone would want their partner to go on a trip like that with someone else and the trip actually happening would be reason to end the relationship for good.  

I haven't brought it up yet.  She's flying down to meet me this weekend.  On her own dime and accord.  I want to bring it up but not sure when.

We've traveled a lot.  Usually 2x a month.  I have the means and freedom so it's not like I deprive her.  I actually give up a lot of my ability to travel wanting to do it only with her and experience it all together.  She has a generous but limited vacation allotment

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, 2wheeltherapy said:

Things were rocky for about 4 months but I would say the "break" was early November until 2 weeks ago.

And what was the reasons for this? 

5 minutes ago, 2wheeltherapy said:

I think my best bet to to state it in the most subtle and concise way.

Do you generally have trouble asserting yourself? 

[Gaeta]

You still want this woman for wife? I'm begging you to think long and hard on that one.

You're suppose to be the love of her life, l'm not seeing it. We, women, don't move on within 2 weeks from losing the man we planned on marrying. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Well there are two issues here.

Yes, this trip sounds inappropriate. The kicker for me is that this guy is not some long-time friend you had met and known about and felt secure about with her.

But bigger problem is you're hesitant and shy about confronting her. I'll be blunt: you are NOWHERE NEAR being ready to get married if you have to think hard about how to confront her about going away with another guy. That's like having to think hard about screaming or feeling scared when someone puts a gun to your head. You need to get marriage off the brain until you can pretty easily confront her. You don't really trust her to be open to your objection. 

Slow down--you are not ready to get married to this woman. You got a few more matters to take care of before you do. 

Edited December 30, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Please note how fast she booked a trip after your breakup. 

She losses the man she's suppose to marry, build a family with and she's booking trip down south with another man at the moment you break up? 

This was also a big red flag for me. She ‘moved on’ pretty quickly…

 

[smackie9]

Buy out this friend's ticket / accommodations and go with your GF. 

[BaileyB]

58 minutes ago, 2wheeltherapy said:

I know she went back to an ex who's been problematic in the past and did stuff but she claims she didn't have sex with him.

Oh, so there were two men in the picture during the short time you were not together. 

That would be too many men for me…

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, 2wheeltherapy said:

.  Things went south and we were not talking for about a month.

.  Yes, she made these plans while we were apart 

It's understandable this would make you uncomfortable. Sadly it's going to happen whether you object to it or not.

Perhaps reflect why the relationship came apart. Sadly it doesn't seem back on track after the breakup. 

While she's away take time to consider if this is a glitch or something that you need to reconsider.

[singletrack]

Thanks everyone .  I don’t know what to say.  I truly appreciate everyone’s input.

When I reflect  on the past happenings and reading what I’ve typed here and what everyone here has pointed out…….I sit here and want to smack myself and say open up your eyes.  It’s like I’ve fallen into the common sunk cost fallacy.  I guess I’m in denial ?

What hurts the most is that we’ve had many many awesome moments and memories together and when things were smooth it was just a great feeling.

I’m an older guy and consider myself pretty laid back.  I almost want to ask her what her thoughts are on her behavior in that month like BaileyB, Gaeta and others have made clear to me.

She also has a weekend trip planned between now and this island trip to visit her 2 cousins.  Very gay and very promiscuous/wreckless.

I’ve rationalized that trip due to it being family and she’s close with them but a trip like this was never even mentioned during our relationship.  I have my reservations about this one too.

Maybe this one is too far gone and damaged to repair .  Sad 

 

[glows]

What were the reasons you both broke up or stopped speaking for a month? “Promiscuous”, “wreckless” are all value judgments and negative opinions of the people she calls friends. That’s a huge red flag that you don’t respect her/her choices or the people in her life. 

Granted, it’s hurtful to you that she disregards the way you feel. It’s very much a two way street regardless. You both don’t seem to respect each other.

[Nightowl008]

I would try to be frank with your partner and have a conversation about how this makes you feel very uncomfortable, especially right now since you two recently have been on a rocky path. This is not the right time to go to a party island with a person you've never met before (gay or not, that shouldn't matter). It should be about trust in your relationship with her. You both should respect each other's feelings and build up more trust in one another. I think if you would have trusted her completely you wouldn't have questioned this in the first place.

 

[singletrack]

1 hour ago, glows said:

What were the reasons you both broke up or stopped speaking for a month? “Promiscuous”, “wreckless” are all value judgments and negative opinions of the people she calls friends. That’s a huge red flag that you don’t respect her/her choices or the people in her life. 

Granted, it’s hurtful to you that she disregards the way you feel. It’s very much a two way street regardless. You both don’t seem to respect each other.

How we got to the point where we stopped speaking for a month is long but I’ll try to sum it up.  She was wanting to move forward with the engagement and wedding and buying a house ( actually the house was the first thing) .  I told her we need to work on each others problems and come to the table in the best form.  I didn’t want to have these communication issues and fights within the marriage.  Looking back I [messed] up not laying stuff out regarding my boundaries and feelings.

We were going to a counselor to help us communicate more effectively and help us avoid conflict.  I feel I’m conflict avoidant.  I was shutting down and pulling back and she was getting angry and giving me the cold shoulder and silent treatment ( something she didn’t early on and I’ve never experienced it).  She didn’t talk to me for a week , I cancelled the next apt and that’s how it unraveled. 

 

Those are labels she has used.  She has made passing comments in jest  calling  them promiscuous [ ] 

 

 

Edited December 30, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[BaileyB]

Premarital counselling is wise before making a serious commitment like buying a home or getting married. 

Are you still attending counselling? If you plan to continue in this relationship, these are all good things to discuss with a counsellor. 

[Beachead]

@2wheeltherapy

8 hours ago, 2wheeltherapy said:

Am I completely out of line?  How would you proceed?

No you're not.  That's a problem, and I would surmise that most people would agree.  Reverse the situation and if you were going on a trip with longtime female friend whom you never introduced her to, she'd have a problem with it..and that I guarantee.  She's exacerbating your doubt and anxiety by forcing you into a position where you have to be okay with something most people wouldn't be okay with, and that's hurting your relationship.  She should be reserving that island trip with you.  Instead she's doing it with another man.   

I would be straight and bold about how I feel about this; you don't know this man and it makes you uncomfortable and you don't want her to do it.

I think it's already bad that you're put in the position where you have to say outright say this to her but if you have to, you have to.   She should have known better. 

Beyond that,I  don't think you don't need to say anything more than that.   How she responds to that, is going to dictate where your relationship goes from there.  If she respects how you feel and cancels the trip, that's good.  If she doesn't, gets defensive, and does what she wants, then I think you have your answer.

Be prepared to pull the plug on this, should the latter scenario transpire.

Hope this helps

- Feather

 

Edited December 30, 2022 by MisterFeather

[Lisa]

@singletrack and @2wheeltherapy are the same poster.   The latter account is no longer operational