salparadise Posted December 31, 2022 Share Posted December 31, 2022 8 hours ago, Mrin said: I would voice your position very clearly. Don't include any threats or consequences. And see what decision she makes. And then decide what to do based on her actions. Honestly dude, if she goes through with it, then consider yourself lucky at seeing her true colors before you got any deeper into this relationship. ^ This is what I think as well. And this is probably just the tip of the iceberg –– if she's pulling a stunt like this while you two are trying to make plans, get engaged and buy a house, who knows what surprises may be as yet unseen. It seems like a power play, and if she gets away with it and you end up looking past it to avoid a blowup, then she knows she doesn't have to take your objections seriously in the future. But from larger more abstract perspective, would you really want to sign up for a life with someone who thinks this ought to be okay and intends to see it through? I'd be rethinking this relationship already, regardless of whether she ends up going or not. Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted December 31, 2022 Share Posted December 31, 2022 (edited) 7 hours ago, Gaeta said: You still want this woman for wife? I'm begging you to think long and hard on that one. You're suppose to be the love of her life, l'm not seeing it. We, women, don't move on within 2 weeks from losing the man we planned on marrying. I agree with Gaeta. Nevermind confronting her, discussing, giving her an ultimatum or sharing your uncomfortable feelings about it. The fact she is even considering going is a dealbreaker in and of itself! It's completely inappropriate and she should KNOW that on her own, regardless of how YOU feel about it. I would think long and hard about moving forward with her. If this were me, and my fiancé considered doing this, and told me about it, I don't think I would even bother sharing how uncomfortable it makes me feel, instead I would think long and hard about remaining in the relationship and most likely end it. Leave them to it and be done. No woman (or man) who loved, cared about and respected her/his fiancé and their relationship would ever even consider doing this, let alone actually go. Automatic dealbreaker. I'm sorry. Edited December 31, 2022 by poppyfields 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted December 31, 2022 Share Posted December 31, 2022 4 hours ago, singletrack said: How we got to the point where we stopped speaking for a month is long but I’ll try to sum it up. She was wanting to move forward with the engagement and wedding and buying a house ( actually the house was the first thing) . I told her we need to work on each others problems and come to the table in the best form. I didn’t want to have these communication issues and fights within the marriage. Looking back I [messed] up not laying stuff out regarding my boundaries and feelings. We were going to a counselor to help us communicate more effectively and help us avoid conflict. I feel I’m conflict avoidant. I was shutting down and pulling back and she was getting angry and giving me the cold shoulder and silent treatment ( something she didn’t early on and I’ve never experienced it). She didn’t talk to me for a week , I cancelled the next apt and that’s how it unraveled. Those are labels she has used. She has made passing comments in jest calling them promiscuous [ ] It looks dysfunctional to start without the issue of this trip. By the way she said her friend was gay. Are you completely distrustful of her in general or do you think she’s lying? Another q - are you jealous she’s going on a trip without you? I think you already know this isn’t working. The worse part is that the more distrust between the two of you and lack of support in your lives/friendships just means you’re completely incompatible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted December 31, 2022 Share Posted December 31, 2022 6 hours ago, singletrack said: Thanks everyone . I don’t know what to say. I truly appreciate everyone’s input. When I reflect on the past happenings and reading what I’ve typed here and what everyone here has pointed out…….I sit here and want to smack myself and say open up your eyes. It’s like I’ve fallen into the common sunk cost fallacy. I guess I’m in denial ? What hurts the most is that we’ve had many many awesome moments and memories together and when things were smooth it was just a great feeling. I’m an older guy and consider myself pretty laid back. I almost want to ask her what her thoughts are on her behavior in that month like BaileyB, Gaeta and others have made clear to me. She also has a weekend trip planned between now and this island trip to visit her 2 cousins. Very gay and very promiscuous/wreckless. I’ve rationalized that trip due to it being family and she’s close with them but a trip like this was never even mentioned during our relationship. I have my reservations about this one too. Maybe this one is too far gone and damaged to repair . Sad i view this differently than others. assume this guy friend is purely platonic more like a broher. Stop thr jealousy dtiff after it ended with you she probably talk to him and he offered for her to come because he was already going. She coukd come along. thr bigger issue is why the break up and what was the reason for it. You seem you want this back to hoe it was when it’s not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 31, 2022 Share Posted December 31, 2022 (edited) 11 hours ago, 2wheeltherapy said: -She also made the passing statement that he's gay. This honestly changes nothing for me. I was initially understanding of your concerns because I figured that you were worried about them hooking up. But if he’s gay, then that’s out of the equation. So what is your actual concern? Is it that she’s going away with someone who’s not you? How would you feel if she’d booked the same holiday with a female friend? Edited December 31, 2022 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted December 31, 2022 Share Posted December 31, 2022 OP, You might want to focus more on what this relationship brings out in you. Jealous, insecure and overbearing is not a good look. There is no way a relationship can flourish this way. I lean more towards dating as a means to find out more about a partner. If you sense something sketchy about her people - friends or family - or even her choices, cut your losses. Twisting and squeezing around like a pretzel trying to force things only creates issues down the line like you’re seeing now. My thoughts are you both don’t respect each other enough to be together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
balletomane Posted January 3, 2023 Share Posted January 3, 2023 OP, I'm confused - you started by saying that you're living with your girlfriend, but then you posted that she's "flying out to see you" soon, which makes it sound long-distance. Which is it? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 3, 2023 Share Posted January 3, 2023 Be straight with her. Tell her you feel very uncomfortable about her going away with another man (gay or not). Communication has obviously always been a big issue in your relationship. If you really want this to work then you have to be completely open and honest with each other. Link to post Share on other sites
singletrack Posted January 3, 2023 Share Posted January 3, 2023 3 hours ago, balletomane said: OP, I'm confused - you started by saying that you're living with your girlfriend, but then you posted that she's "flying out to see you" soon, which makes it sound long-distance. Which is it? I’m away visiting family and she flew down to meet me . Not long distance / we live together Link to post Share on other sites
singletrack Posted January 3, 2023 Share Posted January 3, 2023 (edited) 2 hours ago, JTSW said: 2 hours ago, JTSW said: Be straight with her. Tell her you feel very uncomfortable about her going away with another man (gay or not). Communication has obviously always been a big issue in your relationship. If you really want this to work then you have to be completely open and honest with each other. This is my line in the sand. I know some people are ok with their SO taking solo trips and trips with opposite sex friends but I’m not that guy. I’m just not comfortable with it and I don’t have to live with it. I honestly doubt many men would be supportive of this. It’s not like I deprive her of traveling - we travel often and for the most part without limit. The only limiting factors is her vacation time. Edited January 3, 2023 by singletrack Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 3, 2023 Share Posted January 3, 2023 No, you’re absolutely right. You don’t have to live with it at all. The difference is that mature individuals walk away from situations they know they cannot change instead of forcing a relationship like this hoping for someone else to change or for someone to cancel plans and drop friends. You’re not compatible if you disagree with each other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 3, 2023 Share Posted January 3, 2023 (edited) 2 hours ago, singletrack said: I know some people are ok with their SO taking solo trips and trips with opposite sex friends but I’m not that guy Whoa whoa whoa. I was actually on your side with the whole "taking a 1 on 1 trip with a man" thing (which I think is out of line), but if you can't even deal with your partner traveling solo, that would be a red flag to a lot of women. You are obviously well within your rights to set whatever boundaries you want as long as you can find a partner who agrees with them, but if you're at the point where even a solo trip would be a "threat" to your relationship, I think you need to seriously think about where your concern is stemming from. Edited January 3, 2023 by Elswyth 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Stret Posted January 3, 2023 Share Posted January 3, 2023 On 12/30/2022 at 6:08 PM, 2wheeltherapy said: -She also made the passing statement that he's gay. This honestly changes nothing for me. But it should change - and it does change everything. How can you say this and then in the next sentence say that you're troubled that she is going with another man? As far as sexual tensions, it is equivalent as if she's travelling with a straight female friend. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 3, 2023 Share Posted January 3, 2023 A very good point regarding solo trips. Some individuals aren’t predisposed to traveling solo or prefer company. You may be more compatible with them but leave room for personal growth. It’s not healthy if one of you is limiting the other by your differences in outlook and opinion. The inherent distrust will limit the relationship and there’s a good chance it falls apart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 3, 2023 Share Posted January 3, 2023 Depends what type of solo trips we're talking about. Some destinations are party/alcohol/sex destination. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 3, 2023 Share Posted January 3, 2023 I’m assuming most people in committed relationships don’t make party/alcohol/sex destinations a priority unless agreed upon. This is quite extreme although a possibility. Regardless, a difference in outlook and opinion would swiftly end in most cases involving that anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 3, 2023 Share Posted January 3, 2023 OP mentionned being older. It would be interesting to get into their relationship dynamic. Are they 10+ years apart, is the age difference at the root of his lack of trust, is there a generational imcompatibility here, etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 3, 2023 Share Posted January 3, 2023 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: Depends what type of solo trips we're talking about. Some destinations are party/alcohol/sex destination That's such an incredibly subjective definition, lol. Not everyone who goes to Greece is there to party it up at Mykonos, for instance... At any rate, if a person I was in a relationship tried to control where I was or wasn't "allowed" to go on my own (no other men involved), you better bet I'd be out the door. Huge red flag, IMO. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
singletrack Posted January 3, 2023 Share Posted January 3, 2023 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: OP mentionned being older. It would be interesting to get into their relationship dynamic. Are they 10+ years apart, is the age difference at the root of his lack of trust, is there a generational imcompatibility here, etc. 10 years difference . I was married and consider myself very traditional when it come to expectations, values and boundaries within a monotonous relationship. Shes 35 and never been married nor has kids. Trust was broken early in the relationship. I’ve never not trusted a GF/wife fully. Never questioned anything about my ex wife. I also don’t believe that my divorce damaged me in this respect. Ive brought her to my counselor to help us communicate more effectively and help resolve issues. Not sure what can be done here other than just saying I don’t feel ok about the situation and likely never will. If all the trips, wonderful meals together , exciting adventures we do together ( We traveled 26 trips last year ) isn’t enough for her and she still feels the need to do something I find uncomfortable, I’ll just tell her she needs to find a man willing to accept that . Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 3, 2023 Share Posted January 3, 2023 (edited) 14 minutes ago, singletrack said: Trust was broken early in the relationship. I’ve never not trusted a GF/wife fully. Never questioned anything about my ex wife. I also don’t believe that my divorce damaged me in this respect. Ive brought her to my counselor to help us communicate more effectively and help resolve issues. If all the trips, wonderful meals together , exciting adventures we do together ( We traveled 26 trips last year ) isn’t enough for her and she still feels the need to do something I find uncomfortable, I’ll just tell her she needs to find a man willing to accept that . You've known how it feels to be in a relationship with someone trust worthy, why investing 2.5 years into someone that brings you struggles? In my humble opinion, counseling is for married couples, long-term relationships, couples with children, it's not for bad-dating-choices. She is a bad-choice *for you* as a girlfriend. I'm sure she's hot and it's flattering for you to have a younger woman at your arms but she sounds nothing like a 'mature' 35. 26 trips last year..and may I ask if she financially contributes to those trips? And I'm not talking about leaving tips. Don't tell her what she needs, worry about you and what *you* want in a partner and go find it. Edited January 3, 2023 by Gaeta 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 3, 2023 Share Posted January 3, 2023 On 12/30/2022 at 8:53 AM, 2wheeltherapy said: she made these plans while we were apart but I'm uncomfortable with this on all levels. Unfortunately the on/off nature of things and continued unresolved conflicts are more problematic. While you are not comfortable with the plans she made while you were apart, it's too late now. You may have to see how things work out in the future. If there were no breakup, this would be a more clear cut case of 'deal breaker', but since things were tenuous while these plans were made, you'll both have to work on that. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 3, 2023 Share Posted January 3, 2023 (edited) Agree with Wiseman. It sounds as though the reasons that the two of you broke up was due in part to putting a halt on marriage and in her mind she probably assumed that the relationship was over. On 12/30/2022 at 4:35 PM, singletrack said: How we got to the point where we stopped speaking for a month is long but I’ll try to sum it up. She was wanting to move forward with the engagement and wedding and buying a house ( actually the house was the first thing) . I told her we need to work on each others problems and come to the table in the best form. I didn’t want to have these communication issues and fights within the marriage. Looking back I [messed] up not laying stuff out regarding my boundaries and feelings. Even if she has guy friends, and even a couple with whom she holds daily conversation, she knows how inappropriate a long-term trip with a solo male companion would be, both perceptively and practically. I'm not sure what you can do about it. It is really up to you which option you choose. You can send her off with your blessing, and you can trust her to stay faithful, or that if she cheats, she will be honest. The second option is to end your relationship with her. Heal. Realize that she wasn’t the one for you. Anything outside of those choices is just going to result in pointless arguments and pain. Edited January 3, 2023 by Alpacalia 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Stret Posted January 3, 2023 Share Posted January 3, 2023 2 hours ago, singletrack said: If all the trips, wonderful meals together , exciting adventures we do together ( We traveled 26 trips last year ) isn’t enough for her and she still feels the need to do something I find uncomfortable, I’ll just tell her she needs to find a man willing to accept that . A person needs other people in their lives (friends, relatives, colleagues, etc) as all people fulfil different needs and are different. You appear to want to be her whole world just because you are travelling so much, eat expensive meals, and that should ensure she should never want to travel with her friend - male gay friend who might give her something you cannot. Different conversations, different vibe, etc. She is a free human being, not "exclusively yours" personal companion whose exclusivity you can buy with trips and meals. You alone can never be enough for anyone who wants to have a healthy relationships with other people and freedom to move/travel with friends. If you confront her with a choice, she should definitely choose freedom and mentally healthy life over a controlling and insecure partner. Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted January 3, 2023 Share Posted January 3, 2023 2 hours ago, singletrack said: I was married and consider myself very traditional when it come to expectations, values and boundaries within a monotonous relationship. 🤣 This could be the problem, OP. Ok, more seriously, it seems you have a mismatch of boundaries/acceptable behavior. 2 hours ago, singletrack said: If all the trips, wonderful meals together , exciting adventures we do together ( We traveled 26 trips last year ) isn’t enough for her What does she bring to the table in your relationship? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted January 3, 2023 Share Posted January 3, 2023 (edited) On 12/30/2022 at 9:08 AM, 2wheeltherapy said: -I know she went back to an ex who's been problematic in the past and did stuff but she claims she didn't have sex with him. -She mentioned this trip to me in an early conversation shortly after we started talking again 2 weeks ago. This^ sticks out to me like a sort thumb. How was her ex "problematic"? You had also mentioned that trust was broken early in the relationship. How so? Did she cheat or lie or both? Something to do with this problematic ex? I may be completely off but I sense there is something happening with her EX with whom she obviously has unfinished business. I'm guessing she either hooked up with him while you were broken up or reconnected or perhaps they never completely ended their connection. Now suddenly you're back together and she has this trip planned? With a "gay" friend? Sorry not buying it. I think she's taking this trip with her ex, just my spiny sense. And as such, wish her well and walk. I see nothing good or positive here AT ALL. I'm truly sorry. Edited January 3, 2023 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
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