Is a colleague romantically interested in me or am I being a naive fool?

[Yokashin]

I have been in a new job for six monthals and I am the only female team member. All guys but one keep distance with me. Until recently, I have been convinced that he is just a friendly soul and it suddenly dawned at me that he may like me more than in a friendly way when he suddenly during a bit flirty chat asked me out. 

This is when I realised that him coming over to my desk for chats, complimenting me, praising in emails to our manager, walking past my desk and looking towards me a number of times, suddenly turning up in the kitchen area when I was there, acting chivalrous (holding the door, helping me carry things etc), being my confidant when I had some work issues could have not been just friendly.

But then something odd happened and totally confused me and made me feel like a desperate fool. After he asked me out I wrote that sure we should do it but did not agree anything. A week passed so I decided to be brave and decided to follow up. His responded asking if he could bring another female colleague with him as she “was good when it comes to HR related advice” making this whole “go out” thing as my work issue-related which totally was not part of our text chat when he proposed going out. It totally took me aback and I said that I was OK and resolved the issue.

No idea what is going on but I feel like an idiot and not sure what to do.
 

p.s. There is no policy banning employees to date

p.s.2. I am 38F, he is 35M and he is much more senior in his career than me.

[Alvi]

55 minutes ago, Yokashin said:

His responded asking if he could bring another female colleague with him as she “was good when it comes to HR related advice” making this whole “go out” thing as my work issue-related which totally was not part of our text chat when he proposed going out. It totally took me aback and I said that I was OK and resolved the issue.

Maybe he doesn't want a sexual harassment suit to happen. I am guessing that he wants to send you a clear message that he is not into you "that way."  It's possible he changed his mind for whatever reason and decided not to go out with you. 

Anyway, it might not be a good idea to date anybody that you work with for various reasons. Better to keep him as a friendly work colleague. 

1 hour ago, Yokashin said:

p.s. There is no policy banning employees to date

Perhaps not but he may not wish to go down that rabbit hole.

[Ami1uwant]

If he’s much senior to you thrn he has to wat h it with sexual harassment rules/ policy.

 

 Ewing nice doesn’t necessarily mean interest romantically. It could be just his personality.

 

when ever I was in such a situation like if this person interested or not…I’d look at their other interaction with folks. Are they naturally that way.

[glows]

I wouldn’t have anything personal to do with this person. Keep your distance.

Remain polite and professional only while at work. If conversations get personal about the weekend or time off, keep it bland and generic. “It was too short.” “Oh, the usual.” And change the subject. 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

A few possibilities come to mind.

One, your indirect answer might have scared the bejesus out of him--as in he wondered if he had just embarrassed himself by revealing that he liked you romantically while you didn't reveal equal interest. Not saying you did anything wrong here.

Two, he might have shared his crush on you with another coworker, who freaked and told him he was crossing into possible harassment territory. So he decided to play things safe by asking this other person to go out with you and him. 

I don't think there is any rush here. In my experience, in the workplace it was actually good to go slow because over time you really get to know the character of the person. So if there is something between you and him, it's probably not going to disappear.

But my question to you. I don't see you in this story. You're like a passive object. What do YOU think of HIM? Forget whether he likes you that way or not--that's so old-school passive. What do you think of him and what would YOU like with him? You describe all his charm in action, all his attention, all his chivalry. What, are you a bar of soap? Just because someone treats you well doesn't mean you're supposed to have an interest in them! Not romantically--frankly, not even friendship. YOU have to decide if someone is worth it to you. 

Anytime I got worried about how someone liked me or what signals they were sending, trouble just ensued. That meant I was not centered and relaxed and on my game, in my strength. The only relevant question I wanted to know before approaching someone was whether or not they were attached. I might ask to make sure the person was single. 

I assume you enjoy his humor or his wit--if so say that! Otherwise, there is no reason for you to be interested in him. Someone being interested in us is part of the equation, but means NOTHING if we are not interested in them. And we don't want to be interested in them because they seem to like us. That's quicksand logic, no ground-floor to it at all. We want our own reasons for liking them!

 

[La.Primavera]

Being the only female in a male dominated team may be one factor in asking to bring along a female colleague.  However, I suspect the biggest factor is whatever the work issues are that you have confided in him about.  I think that has probably been playing on his mind, which would explain his delay in setting and actual time and place.  It also would explain why he invited another female colleague to help with "HR related advice". 

I think he is deliberately trying to distance himself from you, any HR issues/implications, and sense of impropriety at work.  It's subtle, but the implication is that he really doesn't want to be involved in any of it anymore.  

Don't be hard on yourself, it is easy to get the wrong idea with certain types of people.   The good thing is that you sound smart and handled it very well by shutting it down without making it awkward.  I would advise against spending any personal time with him from now on though.  To be honest, I would also advise against confiding in him in future either.

That's your call though.

[basil67]

It could be that he invited you to lunch as friends/colleagues.   How would you feel if that's the case?

 

[Calmandfocused]

Op, I’d urge you not to continue to pursue this. I suggest you keep things strictly professional and only go out socially with him when other colleagues are present. Keep conversations professional too. 
 

IMO yes he likes you and yes he is sexually attracted to you. However his professional reputation should and does supersede any attraction he feels to you. 
 

As a senior professional I think he asked HR for advice and they gave him a word of caution about consequences/ conflicts of interests. I think he panicked and decided not to proceed. Sensible decision IMO.

Work place liaisons can get very messy indeed and interfere with business operations which no employer is ever happy about, irrespective of whether there is a policy about it or not. 

Keep your private life outside of the workplace and find a new man to date. 
 

 

 

[Yokashin]

A couple of things that I need to clarify:

1. Although admittedily he would not be a type I would be naturally attracted to, I do like him a lot for a number of different reasons hence I also flirted with him and a result of one of such chats was his invitation to go out so he knows I like him too otherwise he would not have risked.

2. There is no way he would go to HR asking for guidance / seeking permission etc

3. Strangely, soon after he asked if he could bring a colleague, that colleague in question ‚bumped into me’ and as we rarely talk she started touching personal topics which I sensed she was trying to figure out if I was single. Me and that guy never talked about such matters so he did not know but my boss once told me he was ‚single and annoying and needed to find himself a girlfriend’.

4. it all happened in early Dec just before me and him started our almost month long annual leaves so I have not seen him for weeks and wondering how best approach the situation and what to expect from him upon his return.

5. When I said my „issue” was resolved and I did not want to bring in third parties he said that it was last few days before long leave so he was very busy and we should meet after holidays (but don’t think he actually meant that) 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Yokashin said:

I have been in a new job for six monthals and I am the only female team member. 

One of the most important things to remember is that the workplace is not a singles club.

Regardless of whether there are policies about dating, it a bad idea to entertain messy workplace romances in general and particularly since you are new there.

Be polite friendly and professional, but keep your lovelife separate from your work life.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses to make friends and meet people.

Of course add a good profile and pics on quality dating apps to your dating repertoire. 

[Beachead]

@Yokashin

OP,

Whatever it was he was trying to do there, he applied the breaks to.

In any case,  your place of work is how you take care of yourself.  It's unwise to entangle that with workplace relationships.  If these situations don't work out for whatever reason, you'll need space and distance to get over it, which you won't have and it won't be pleasant. Will likely interfere with your ability to do your job.  For that reason, I wouldn't entertain anymore workplace romances in the future and would consider a different setting for these scenarios.

- Feather

[glows]

4 hours ago, Yokashin said:

A couple of things that I need to clarify:

1. Although admittedily he would not be a type I would be naturally attracted to, I do like him a lot for a number of different reasons hence I also flirted with him and a result of one of such chats was his invitation to go out so he knows I like him too otherwise he would not have risked.

2. There is no way he would go to HR asking for guidance / seeking permission etc

3. Strangely, soon after he asked if he could bring a colleague, that colleague in question ‚bumped into me’ and as we rarely talk she started touching personal topics which I sensed she was trying to figure out if I was single. Me and that guy never talked about such matters so he did not know but my boss once told me he was ‚single and annoying and needed to find himself a girlfriend’.

4. it all happened in early Dec just before me and him started our almost month long annual leaves so I have not seen him for weeks and wondering how best approach the situation and what to expect from him upon his return.

5. When I said my „issue” was resolved and I did not want to bring in third parties he said that it was last few days before long leave so he was very busy and we should meet after holidays (but don’t think he actually meant that) 

 

Your boss is incredibly unprofessional. I’d rethink this company or the people you’re working for. Earn your paycheque and set your sights on something better. 

Be respectful and professional around your colleagues. If a guy isn’t asking you out on a date, just the two of you, he is not interested.

Edited December 31, 2022 by glows

[Beachead]

@Yokashin

Quote

my boss once told me he was ‚single and annoying and needed to find himself a girlfriend’.

On a side note, keep an eye on your work environment.  While it's only natural that people will feel as they want about others, vocalizing it to a subordinate would make me question the integrity of who I'm working under and perhaps, where I'm working.  If your boss is comfortable insulting other coworkers in front of you, imagine what he might say about you to others.  Creates an atmosphere of mistrust. 

People like can threaten your career.

Edited December 31, 2022 by MisterFeather

[Ami1uwant]

9 minutes ago, MisterFeather said:

@Yokashin

On a side note, keep an eye on your work environment.  While it's only natural that people will feel as they want about others, vocalizing it to a subordinate would make me question the integrity of who I'm working under and perhaps, where I'm working.  If your boss is comfortable insulting other coworkers in front of you, imagine what he might say about you to others.  Creates an atmosphere of mistrust. 

People like can threaten your career.

I don’t read it thst way.

 

style in joe it’s said maters as well as knowing thrir relationship.

 

if you work for a while with the same group they natural learn things about you personally.  Him being single is one.  If thst boss and him have bern long friends and coworkers thst thry probsbly have talked personal stuff like relationships.  At wotk it might be a long running open joke about him still being single.

[Lotsgoingon]

Already so now you have put yourself into this story as having an interest in this guy. Good.

So now the next step is not "why" he acted any particularly way. That's a waste of time. All you care about is "that" he acted a particular way. In other words, this guy is now distancing himself. Focus there. You may NEVER know the reason why.

Side point: lots of people have no idea why they act as they do. Or they have an idea and later in life, they realize they were completely wrong about their motivation. So skip going down that alley. 

The only focus you need to have is that this guy weirded out on you. Ok, so now pull back and keep your distance. This guy seems to me to be immature and not in control of his social skills. He shows too much interest in you, then he distances. That's call flaking. Flakey people can be a waste of time (said by a recovering flakey person). 

The bottom line is he's not up to your standards of maturity and steadiness. He's confusing (again, not up to your standards). Saying he's not behaving to your standards--that puts YOU into the story. Gets you away from being bar of soap sitting flat in a soap dish. Therefore, if he returned to his old interest tomorrow, you would want to keep your distance. Because all evidence is he's going to be hot and cold. Again, this puts you into your own story--at the center, as the decider--that's where you want to be. 

[smackie9]

Stop over analyzing this and just go out as planned. Take it one day at a time.

[stillafool]

On 12/31/2022 at 5:30 AM, Yokashin said:

5. When I said my „issue” was resolved and I did not want to bring in third parties he said that it was last few days before long leave so he was very busy and we should meet after holidays (but don’t think he actually meant that) 

Why do you think he didn't mean that?

I think he jumped the guy and during a flirty conversation aske you out, then regretted it.  He then tried to dial it back to friends/coworkers by inviting the other lady along.  He is not interested whatever the case in anything more than a work relationship.

[NuevoYorko]

On 12/31/2022 at 11:19 AM, Lotsgoingon said:

 

So now the next step is not "why" he acted any particularly way. That's a waste of time. All you care about is "that" he acted a particular way. In other words, this guy is now distancing himself. Focus there. You may NEVER know the reason why.

Thank you.  This is so key.  I'm genuinely flummoxed on this site almost every day when I see the "guy at work said / did [whatever thing].  What did it mean?"

That is, as you said, a true waste of time.  And as you also said,  "guy at work" may have just been on auto pilot and could not even answer that question himself.  

The only thing that matters is how the person on the receiving end chooses to deal with another person's words or actions.

From my reading around here in recent times,  I'm very strongly in the camp of:  Just take things at face value.  Don't look for secret hidden meanings.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

Thank you.  This is so key.  I'm genuinely flummoxed on this site almost every day when I see the "guy at work said / did [whatever thing].  What did it mean?"

That is, as you said, a true waste of time.  And as you also said,  "guy at work" may have just been on auto pilot and could not even answer that question himself.  

The only thing that matters is how the person on the receiving end chooses to deal with another person's words or actions.

From my reading around here in recent times,  I'm very strongly in the camp of:  Just take things at face value.  Don't look for secret hidden meanings.

I very much agree with this^.

However most people will find it very difficult to do because accepting something at face value means acknowledging the person is no longer interested and as such they must walk away.

Most people from what I've read and experienced are not ready to do that. 

They prefer to hear stories about how such person is busy or moody, confused, conflicted, to give it more time, whatever. 

Whatever it takes to keep them hanging in and hoping. 

Walking away is simply not an option for them.

It's denial basically imo.  It feels safe and hurts less. 

 

Edited January 1, 2023 by poppyfields