Why Is Letting Go So Hard?

[Nicki007]

For the past 3 years, I've been an emotional affair  that turned somewhat physical, yet we did not go all the way. I didn't know for 7 months he was married, but was already falling for him. When I learned he was was married, I was in disbelief because I really liked him & took months before I realized & accepted that despite the situation, my feelings toward him was just to strong to ignore.

Fast forward to the last 6 months, we both have  tried to move on, we even agreed over texts to move on, but it never sticks, because the very next time we run into each other face to face, it's like we reset to how we were at the beginning of our emotional  affair.

When I do have the strength to try to move on & not contact him, he seems to be more attentive & sweet towards me than usual the few times I do happen to see him around town while I'm running errands.

I know this will not lead to a relationship or him leaving his wife & I accept that, but why is it so hard  fo us to just walk away from eachother when we know it's for the best? 

I want to break free from this emotional rollercoaster, but is almost like an addiction.

Anybody else experience this? How did you finally walk away?

 

Edited December 31, 2022 by Nicki007
Punctuation

[glows]

I suppose knowing on the other end that there’s someone attentive and receptive makes it difficult so that boundary needs to be reinforced by you. He knows you’re available as well so the cycle continues.

More importantly are you available to meet single men? Or do you feel insecure or not ready to date for real?

[jeniefriday]

From the perspective of another OW, there could be a few reasons. First, like what you said, it's addiction - oxytocin and dopamine, I believe and you need stronger and stronger fix with time. At first I was content with just FWB type of situation, then I started to get jealous of his wife. Second, it's our ego. We believe we deserve his love just like his wife and we don't want the wife to have him whole. Third, whether in affair or not, most of us are biologically hardwired to crave intimate bonds and deep connections with another human being. I am trying to remind myself that I need peace of mind and a good night sleep and to stop torturing myself with the turbulence of emotions from this affair.

[Nicki007]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

I suppose knowing on the other end that there’s someone attentive and receptive makes it difficult so that boundary needs to be reinforced by you. He knows you’re available as well so the cycle continues.

More importantly are you available to meet single men? Or do you feel insecure or not ready to date for real?

I completely agree. I have my moments where I say enough & yes I have dated & even been in an in a short-lived relationship which was becoming abusive, so I left that relationship. There were times that I felt like I was trying to force myself to date to get over him, but it would just blow up in my face because I felt like I was not ready & needed some time to work on myself.
 

In the midst of this, I lost a loved one & we bonded even more closely over that as I was grieving & he was very supportive.
 

Because things were more emotional between us, I would seek comfort in him & vice versa. We were open & nonjudgmental with each other.  We always connected on a deeper level, but the chemistry & physical attraction is very strong as well.

It’s just very hard, because I never had that or felt that with any other man. Perhaps maybe why it’s so hard to let gi. I don’t know. I’m so confused & I want to do the right thing, but it’s a struggle between my heart & my head. I am not proud of my behavior & the guilt is so unbearable at times. I never that I would end up being the OW!

[glows]

Have you considered grief counselling in dealing with the loss of your loved one? It is not as exciting as having that dopamine fix around someone you’re attracted to. It does mean actually dealing with your grief in a much more stable environment. It also means detaching from that dependency on this AP. 

We’re thinking long term mental health here, not short term fixes and dopamine highs and feeling low in a rollercoaster that doesn’t end.

Edited December 31, 2022 by glows

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Nicki007 said:

I didn't know for 7 months he was married, but was already falling for him. When I learned he was was married, I was in disbelief because I really liked him & took months before I realized & accepted that despite the situation, my feelings toward him was just to strong to ignore.

Did he actually lie to you or did her just lie by omission - in that, you never asked and he didn’t think to tell you? 

Personally, I will just never understand this kind of thinking. Any feelings that I had for the man would die the moment that I learned he had lied to me and he was cheating on his wife.

I think if you get some counselling and build your self esteem/develop some resiliency, your attraction for this man and your need for this relationship will fall away… 

 

Edited December 31, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, Nicki007 said:

Because things were more emotional between us, I would seek comfort in him & vice versa.

You have formed an unhealthy emotional connection to the man and it’s difficult to let that go. He is your coping strategy of choice. If/when this relationship ends, you will need to develop other coping strategies to deal with life - boredom, loneliness, anxiety, etc…

13 minutes ago, Nicki007 said:

I never had that or felt that with any other man. Perhaps maybe why it’s so hard to let go.

There are many other men in this world who will love and support you - who are also good, kind, honest, faithful, and trustworthy. The thing is, you won’t find one if you are pining after an unavailable man. You have got to put this man behind you before you can truly look forward and find a healthy relationship for yourself. 

[Lotsgoingon]

One reason you can't walk away is because both of you seem to believe that all you have to do is say you're going to walk away. 

Those ending conversations that you guys seem to have actually lead to further attachment. A breakup has to be kinda brutal---usually needs to be abrupt, some coldness helps. And some pain and sadness help. A nice breakup is basically a contradiction in terms.

Someone usually has to hurt and feel that hurt in a breakup. This is the hurt of loss--not the hurt of humiliation. The hurt is the body's way of letting go of the attachment and the hope of further attachment. This coldness and hurt and all doesn't require that anyone be mean, but it doesn't require giving up the fantasy of a nice, clean, wonderful breakup ("I'll always love you.") . Yes, I watched those movies too when I was young.

Sometimes you have to be deliberately cold and distant. You tell him, "I'm not talking to you anymore," And you block him, and you don't talk to him for six months. That's how you break up. And you go get a life with others during that breakup time or you enroll in classes or do some great reading or you cry for a while. And you keep no contact going. 

Yes, you are addicted. And it's as health as a crack addiction and withdrawing from crack requires a lot of discomfort to get to the other side of freedom. 

[Nicki007]

44 minutes ago, jeniefriday said:

From the perspective of another OW, there could be a few reasons. First, like what you said, it's addiction - oxytocin and dopamine, I believe and you need stronger and stronger fix with time. At first I was content with just FWB type of situation, then I started to get jealous of his wife. Second, it's our ego. We believe we deserve his love just like his wife and we don't want the wife to have him whole. Third, whether in affair or not, most of us are biologically hardwired to crave intimate bonds and deep connections with another human being. I am trying to remind myself that I need peace of mind and a good night sleep and to stop torturing myself with the turbulence of emotions from this affair.

All very valid points & there is truth in them. I want to get to the point of your last sentence. Some days I feel like I don’t even know the person I’ve become. I don’t like what I see in the mirror say the moment.

[Nicki007]

33 minutes ago, glows said:

Have you considered grief counselling in dealing with the loss of your loved one? It is not as exciting as having that dopamine fix around someone you’re attracted to. It does mean actually dealing with your grief in a much more stable environment. It also means detaching from that dependency on this AP. 

We’re thinking long term mental health here, not short term fixes and dopamine highs and feeling low in a rollercoaster that doesn’t end.

I have considered it & will look into it. Thank you for breaking it down in terms where I truly am starting to see the situation for what it is. Part of the reason I posted here is to find some answers from some posters that have a better insight then the one that’s currently going through it right now, like myself. I appreciate your words of wisdom. 

[Nicki007]

38 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Did he actually lie to you or did her just lie by omission - in that, you never asked and he didn’t think to tell you? 

Personally, I will just never understand this kind of thinking. Any feelings that I had for the man would die the moment that I learned he had lied to me and he was cheating on his wife.

I think if you get some counselling and build your self esteem/develop some resiliency, your attraction for this man and your need for this relationship will fall away… 

 

He omitted that part for 7 months, then he finally told me. Unfortunately I had already started to fall for him. I never had a clue he was married. There were no signs he was married at all.

I was the same way, in fact I did walk away for months, but sure enough it was a tug of war between my heart & my head. Trust me, I get why people feel that way about the OW/OM. Yet here I am & I’m  not proud about it at all!

I agree I need counseling. Im not in a good place & I just want the old me back before all this & I have only myself to blame for putting myself in this situation. If only I can go back in time, hindsight is 20/20.

Thank you for your advice & words of encouragement!

[Nicki007]

43 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You have formed an unhealthy emotional connection to the man and it’s difficult to let that go. He is your coping strategy of choice. If/when this relationship ends, you will need to develop other coping strategies to deal with life - boredom, loneliness, anxiety, etc…

There are many other men in this world who will love and support you - who are also good, kind, honest, faithful, and trustworthy. The thing is, you won’t find one if you are pining after an unavailable man. You have got to put this man behind you before you can truly look forward and find a healthy relationship for yourself. 

Once again I agree with everything you’re saying & I am so grateful that you are sharing words of wisdom with me. It is why I am here. I am taken everything your saying into account & it helps me understand the situation better. 
 

Thank you so very much for sharing your insights!
 

[Nicki007]

26 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

One reason you can't walk away is because both of you seem to believe that all you have to do is say you're going to walk away. 

Those ending conversations that you guys seem to have actually lead to further attachment. A breakup has to be kinda brutal---usually needs to be abrupt, some coldness helps. And some pain and sadness help. A nice breakup is basically a contradiction in terms.

Someone usually has to hurt and feel that hurt in a breakup. This is the hurt of loss--not the hurt of humiliation. The hurt is the body's way of letting go of the attachment and the hope of further attachment. This coldness and hurt and all doesn't require that anyone be mean, but it doesn't require giving up the fantasy of a nice, clean, wonderful breakup ("I'll always love you.") . Yes, I watched those movies too when I was young.

Sometimes you have to be deliberately cold and distant. You tell him, "I'm not talking to you anymore," And you block him, and you don't talk to him for six months. That's how you break up. And you go get a life with others during that breakup time or you enroll in classes or do some great reading or you cry for a while. And you keep no contact going. 

Yes, you are addicted. And it's as health as a crack addiction and withdrawing from crack requires a lot of discomfort to get to the other side of freedom. 

Wow, I think you hit the nail on the head. I never even thought of it like that! Thank you for sharing. This is something I need to for my own sake! 

 

 

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, Nicki007 said:

He omitted that part for 7 months, then he finally told me. Unfortunately I had already started to fall for him.

You say that like it was a foregone conclusion though… there was just nothing you could do because - alas, you had already fallen for him. Too bad, decision made. Hard to let go now…

That should have been the moment that you walked away and never spoke to the man again. Not only is he lying to his wife - he shamelessly lied to you for seven months! He didn’t think to tell you in all that time that he was married? 

You know that famous Maya Angelou quote - “When people show you who they really are, believe them.” This guy showed you early on who he really is - a liar. Dishonest. Untrustworthy. Unfaithful. You chose to disregard this information because - unfortunately, you had already developed feelings for him??

If only I can go back in time, hindsight is 20/20.

Another famous Maya Angelou quote, “When you know better, do better.” With this new information, you needed to make a different decision for yourself. If not then, now. 

You can’t go back in time, none of us can. But, tomorrow is a new day. You can certainly chose a new path, and make a different decision for yourself tomorrow. 

 

Edited December 31, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

One reason you can't walk away is because both of you seem to believe that all you have to do is say you're going to walk away. 

Those ending conversations that you guys seem to have actually lead to further attachment.

This is a very good point. It’s almost a little bit of a trauma bond - when you ‘breakup,’ you feel sad and anxious but then when you reunite, you are rewarded with a powerful feeling of relief. It’s very reinforcing.

Not only that, but when you breakup he is more attentive and sweet towards you - that in itself is very rewarding. You both like the chase. It’s part of the dance that you do. 

These are very unhealthy patterns that only serve to keep you in a very unhealthy and repetitive cycle of behavior… My favourite saying this week - there is no path to true and lasting happiness here. Just more ups and downs, coming and going, time wasted that you will never get back. 

May I suggest that you read Theeisor’s thread - seven and a half years she wasted in an emotional affair with a man before she finally pressured him and got her answer - that it was a dead end. Seven and a half years of her her life - 

Edited December 31, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

2 hours ago, Nicki007 said:

He omitted that part for 7 months, then he finally told me. Unfortunately I had already started to fall for him. I never had a clue he was married. There were no signs he was married at all.

I was the same way, in fact I did walk away for months, but sure enough it was a tug of war between my heart & my head. Trust me, I get why people feel that way about the OW/OM. Yet here I am & I’m  not proud about it at all!

I agree I need counseling. Im not in a good place & I just want the old me back before all this & I have only myself to blame for putting myself in this situation. If only I can go back in time, hindsight is 20/20.

Thank you for your advice & words of encouragement!

I’m reading a lot of passive resignation in the way you’ve written and this is unfamiliar to me as I don’t relate to this way of processing or believing things to be the way they are.

Counselling is best and I think there needs to be a bit more focus in the way you view yourself and your options. Something about your perspective has to change - from being less passive and wishful to something more dedicated or committed to a better life. I’d be curious if this is also how you approach other areas of life and whether combined it’s depressing or leads ultimately to the root cause of your depression/despair. I don’t know what that is but it may be completely unrelated to this affair or AP. What happened to you where your instincts didn’t kick into overdrive and cause you to become revolted or recoil violently from someone like this? Are you grieving something else aside from the recent loss of your loved one? 

What were you like before you met this person?

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Nicki007 said:

He omitted that part for 7 months, 

How did you meet? Do you work together?

Keep in mind that you were in a bad place when you got involved in this bad situation. 

Unfortunately the pain and isolation from being in an abusive relationship has now just shifted to another unfortunate situation.

It seems like you never fully dealt with the effects of the abusive relationship and simply found a bandaid for it.

The best thing you can do is go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

With help, you can change course and make better decisions rather than jumping from one bad relationship to the next.

Keep in mind married lovers are easy and don't require much reflection.  Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. When you are ready willing and able to break the cycle, along with some help, you'll feel a lot better.

[Luna66star]

I don't mean to be harsh but there must have been signs he was attached to another woman.  Consistent time periods when he's not available or doesn't text.  The signs could have been very subtle and you brushed them off.  It's hard to consider there were no signs for 7 months.  

MM character shows he's a lier and I don't doubt he's told you other fibs to ensure you stick around on the side.

You are being strung along.  They are superb actors and can fool women easily.

If this was an ultra special connection for him, he would leave his wife for you.  He's not.  Please wake up to this reality and pull away from the hook he has on you.  You deserve a full, committed relationship with all the bills and whistles!

Edited January 1, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[basil67]

May I ask why you didn't drop him like a hot potato when you found out that he'd been lying by omission about being married?  Surely this would have been enough of a slap in your face to jolt you out of the illusion that he was worth continuing to see?  

Think about it: if you meet a new friend, if they are open and honest about their lives, they don't withhold huge parts of their life from you. The only reason I can imagine that he would have held this information back would be to manipulate you into becoming close to him. 

[Will am I]

On 12/31/2022 at 4:26 AM, Nicki007 said:

He omitted that part for 7 months, then he finally told me. Unfortunately I had already started to fall for him. I never had a clue he was married. There were no signs he was married at all.

Sorry if I come across too harsh, but this needs to be said and it may help you shift perspective.

 

This man that you adore so much, is also a cheating liar. He purposely hid his marriage to be able to attract a new partner.

[Nicki007]

On 1/1/2023 at 1:36 PM, Will am I said:

Sorry if I come across too harsh, but this needs to be said and it may help you shift perspective.

 

This man that you adore so much, is also a cheating liar. He purposely hid his marriage to be able to attract a new partner.

You can’t be as harsh as I am on myself trust me. I see him for who he is & it angers me what he did &  I am angry at myself as well, yet there is an emotional attachment &  I question myself why is it so hard to let that go! I know better, trust me I do. I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore. I am not proud of the situation that I PUT MYSELF IN.

 

[Nicki007]

On 12/31/2022 at 8:27 PM, basil67 said:

May I ask why you didn't drop him like a hot potato when you found out that he'd been lying by omission about being married?  Surely this would have been enough of a slap in your face to jolt you out of the illusion that he was worth continuing to see?  

Think about it: if you meet a new friend, if they are open and honest about their lives, they don't withhold huge parts of their life from you. The only reason I can imagine that he would have held this information back would be to manipulate you into becoming close to him. 

I did when I found out. We mainly remained cordial with each other, certain life events happened & we became attached emotionally & I just became attached to him during some rough patches. 

Where I do see where you are coming from. It was manipulative & I fell for. It makes me sick to think of how can allow myself to take part of that.

I just want to move forward this & get back to some semblance of the woman I was before I met him.

He wants to be friends & says it’s ok to text him,  but there is no way that can happen! 

Edited January 3, 2023 by Nicki007
Grammar

[Nicki007]

On 12/31/2022 at 2:57 PM, Luna66star said:

I don't mean to be harsh but there must have been signs he was attached to another woman.  Consistent time periods when he's not available or doesn't text.  The signs could have been very subtle and you brushed them off.  It's hard to consider there were no signs for 7 months.  

MM character shows he's a lier and I don't doubt he's told you other fibs to ensure you stick around on the side.

You are being strung along.  They are superb actors and can fool women easily.

If this was an ultra special connection for him, he would leave his wife for you.  He's not.  Please wake up to this reality and pull away from the hook he has on you.  You deserve a full, committed relationship with all the bills and whistles!

You’re not being harsh. No, he did not behave in a way that he was married. Yes for 7 months I didn’t see ANY signs of that. As you said, some men are good liars & superb actors & can fool women easily. I was the fool he played.

Thank you for your insight & I appreciate your feedback, I’m taking everyone’s suggestions & words of wisdom into account.

[S2B]

Start dating available men. It will have you forget about him with a lot more speed and clarity.

 

[Nicki007]

10 minutes ago, S2B said:

Start dating available men. It will have you forget about him with a lot more speed and clarity.

 

Thanks, I have been dating available men. For now though I am taking a break from the dating scene & I’m trying to concentrate on myself. Looking for a therapist now, thanks to the advice of the other posters &  I decided I need fix what’s wrong in my life & I can’t be available to anyone unless I love myself & know my worth.