Author Nicki007 Posted January 3, 2023 Author Share Posted January 3, 2023 On 12/31/2022 at 6:00 AM, Wiseman2 said: How did you meet? Do you work together? Keep in mind that you were in a bad place when you got involved in this bad situation. Unfortunately the pain and isolation from being in an abusive relationship has now just shifted to another unfortunate situation. It seems like you never fully dealt with the effects of the abusive relationship and simply found a bandaid for it. The best thing you can do is go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. With help, you can change course and make better decisions rather than jumping from one bad relationship to the next. Keep in mind married lovers are easy and don't require much reflection. Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. When you are ready willing and able to break the cycle, along with some help, you'll feel a lot better. I met him as a client for the company he works for. The abusive relationship was a result of me trying to date available men in the past 3 years I knew & was having an emotional affair MM. I was trying to get over the MM & think rationally that it wasn’t healthy & I knew it was going anywhere. Unfortunately it led me to a scary guy & that was way worse than the MM. Sad thing is, MM & I even bonded over that dark time, deepening the attachment we already had. I have, however , decided to get help professionally. I thank you for your kind words & advice. I appreciate your feedback! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted January 3, 2023 Share Posted January 3, 2023 7 hours ago, Nicki007 said: You can’t be as harsh as I am on myself trust me. I see him for who he is & it angers me what he did & I am angry at myself as well, yet there is an emotional attachment & I question myself why is it so hard to let that go! I know better, trust me I do. I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore. I am not proud of the situation that I PUT MYSELF IN. Now you got that angry vibe. That should help you to not enjoy AP’s company anymore, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nicki007 Posted January 4, 2023 Author Share Posted January 4, 2023 I just want a clean break with him. I have to block & go no contact & be strong enough, as I know he still wants to keep the line of communication open & dor us to be friends & be cordial with each other. Given the situation, that will never work! Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 4, 2023 Share Posted January 4, 2023 1 hour ago, Nicki007 said: I know he still wants to keep the line of communication open & dor us to be friends & be cordial with each other. Given the situation, that will never work! No, it never does work. Not most break-ups, certainly not in affairs. Think of it this way - it’s easy for him to say “let’s be friends and talk… you are not his primary relationship. He has a partner waiting at home to talk about his day and cuddle in bed… easy for him to say, let’s stay friends - he’s not the person who wants more and is putting his life on hold. If he truly cares about you and respects you, he will respect your decision to end all contact. That is the bottom line. If his own self interest is his motivation and he is trying to keep the door open in an attempt to manipulate and break down the boundaries that you are trying to set - he will continue to contact you and pressure you to stay “friends.” 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nicki007 Posted January 5, 2023 Author Share Posted January 5, 2023 5 hours ago, BaileyB said: No, it never does work. Not most break-ups, certainly not in affairs. Think of it this way - it’s easy for him to say “let’s be friends and talk… you are not his primary relationship. He has a partner waiting at home to talk about his day and cuddle in bed… easy for him to say, let’s stay friends - he’s not the person who wants more and is putting his life on hold. If he truly cares about you and respects you, he will respect your decision to end all contact. That is the bottom line. If his own self interest is his motivation and he is trying to keep the door open in an attempt to manipulate and break down the boundaries that you are trying to set - he will continue to contact you and pressure you to stay “friends.” Unfortunately, since I have taken off the rose tinted glasses, I think it's the latter, but I am committed to leaving that painful chapter behind which means closing the door on him for once & for all ! 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 5, 2023 Share Posted January 5, 2023 (edited) 8 hours ago, Nicki007 said: Unfortunately, since I have taken off the rose tinted glasses, I think it's the latter, but I am committed to leaving that painful chapter behind which means closing the door on him for once & for all ! That is the very definition of love - doing something that may not be what you want, because it is for the best interest of the other person. Love is not selfish - we all make sacrifices everyday for those we love, because it is what the other person wants and/or it is what is best for them. If he is not doing that for you, it tells you how much he loves and respects you. It tells you that the person he loves is himself and the interest he is promoting is his own. Your request to go no contact is typical of most people who are trying to move on after leaving a relationship. People who break up make the request to go no contact everyday, and most partners will say “it’s hard, but I will respect your decision.” If he is not doing that, that tells you a lot about the man. Edited January 5, 2023 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 I hope he is respecting your wish to lose contact and steer clear of each other. Very much in agreement that if someone can’t do that it says more about them not respecting your wishes or dismissing your thoughts/emotions or the way you feel. Pay close attention to your emotions as they’re telling you what you’re not comfortable with. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 Just remember- you don’t really love him. The person you love is who he pretended to be for all those months. You have fallen for a liar, there’s nothing else to say. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nicki007 Posted January 8, 2023 Author Share Posted January 8, 2023 On 1/5/2023 at 8:08 AM, BaileyB said: That is the very definition of love - doing something that may not be what you want, because it is for the best interest of the other person. Love is not selfish - we all make sacrifices everyday for those we love, because it is what the other person wants and/or it is what is best for them. If he is not doing that for you, it tells you how much he loves and respects you. It tells you that the person he loves is himself and the interest he is promoting is his own. Your request to go no contact is typical of most people who are trying to move on after leaving a relationship. People who break up make the request to go no contact everyday, and most partners will say “it’s hard, but I will respect your decision.” If he is not doing that, that tells you a lot about the man. Realization hits hard. This man only loved/loves himself, he is the only thing that matters to him. Link to post Share on other sites
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