Was this coworker being intrusive asking me questions but trying to be 'welcoming' at the same time?

[NuevoYorko]

They were checking in to see if you were doing OK at your new job.  They mentioned that you're quiet.  This doesn't have to mean anything nefarious at all.

Have you had this level of problems dealing with co-workers in your previous jobs?  Or perhaps this is your first job?   

When people work in close quarters for most of their waking hours, there ALWAYS will be personal interactions at some level.

[Chloeflowers]

I don't understand why my supervisor would point out that I'm quiet when I clearly engaged conversation with her. I don't think of myself as "quiet" in the dept. I'm cordially, I greet ppl, have my small talk like normal and go about working. I don't know what they are expecting me to do, become everyones best friend? Not everyone will click, I've had jobs where there was some ppl I clearly didn't gossip/chit chat with, but they went along with their own business and if we had questions work related, we spoke and that was it. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Chloeflowers said:

. Both of them pointed out that I'm quiet and asked if my coworkers were treating me "right." then went on to say that oh..that they were thinking it was just my personality 

Yes only stick to talking about your job and role there. They seem to be micromanaging and playing therapist. Perhaps in a misguided attempt to encourage team spirit or whatever. It seems oppressive to be dragged in there for "meetings" and be questioned about your personality. 

[Chloeflowers]

21 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes only stick to talking about your job and role there. They seem to be micromanaging and playing therapist. Perhaps in a misguided attempt to encourage team spirit or whatever. It seems oppressive to be dragged in there for "meetings" and be questioned about your personality. 

Well during the meeting the manager asked me what I like to do outside of work like hobbies. I told them about my pets they asked me about what their names were. I mentioned some other stuff I liked to do, but they just kept quiet and didn't add to what I said and just stared at me. It was weird.  Other jobs I've had managers were cordial didn't care about my personal life, its like at my current job they want me to get me to say something illegal or something. Because I work in the HR department and its a law related job..like what? say crude jokes to get me fired. 

I don't know, I think if they were to mention my quietness one more time, then I'm out of there. Its not a customer service or waitress job where I have to be peppy and outgoing. I don't need for them to take jabs just because I don't want to share details about my personal life. 

Edited March 2, 2023 by Chloeflowers

[S2B]

Just do the job. You don’t need to provide them with personal info. 
 

they obviously don’t know about boundaries. You don’t owe them any personal info.

[Acacia98]

On 3/1/2023 at 7:13 AM, Chloeflowers said:

I don't understand why my supervisor would point out that I'm quiet when I clearly engaged conversation with her. I don't think of myself as "quiet" in the dept. I'm cordially, I greet ppl, have my small talk like normal and go about working. I don't know what they are expecting me to do, become everyones best friend? Not everyone will click, I've had jobs where there was some ppl I clearly didn't gossip/chit chat with, but they went along with their own business and if we had questions work related, we spoke and that was it. 

It seems to me that they perceive you as being "quiet" because you don't want to socialize too much at work. And that's honestly the impression you give, even in your posts here. You've perceived some of your coworkers attempts to socialize with you negatively and have asked for advice here about how to deal with that. So I'm not sure why you're now offended that they perceive you as being "quiet." If I were in your shoes, I would readily agree that I was "quiet" if asked. I'd say indeed it was my personality. If it got people off my back, I would happily embrace it.

I think some of the things folks have said to you at work have been inappropriate, perhaps even annoying. But I also think you have too much of a tendency to think the worst of people. People are different, you know? They're not all going to see the world through the same lenses as you. So perhaps, while you view certain behavior as rude and intrusive, they may feel it is perfectly acceptable and even friendly. You would do yourself a world of good if, over time, you tried to understand the different personalities of the people you worked with. You would probably realize that they were not always out to insult you or get you (well, certainly not ALL of them). Perhaps some of them are just socially clumsy. Or perhaps there are many possible ways of interpreting their actions and while the benign explanation is the correct one, you're in too much of a rush to assume that the negative explanation is the only one.

Edited March 2, 2023 by Acacia98

[Acacia98]

On 2/18/2023 at 4:06 AM, Chloeflowers said:

I'm still fairly new at my job and this morning I had an issue with clocking in and out. I went to my supervisor's office greeted her good morning, and she looked at me and said good morning back, then made a comment, "I didn't recognize your voice, had to see who that was." Then small talk, I was having issues with the time clock/wasn't able to log in. And asked her, "Can I clock in now?" She said it was a few minutes early so I couldn't. But that wasn't what I meant. I asked her if I had access to it, she then remembered that I wasn't set up in the system, so then she turned to one of the other gals and asked, "Are you "able" to clock in?" Not asking HER if she was able to clock in, but asked correctly, "able" referring to me if that makes sense. Was she being condescending/mocking me that I wasn't clear or didn't use the proper word for it? Was she correcting me on my usage of words? Idk, it just rubbed me the wrong way. I mean, why say anything at all then? Also, another coworker that I met the other day-bluntly asked me, "Where did you come from?" I told her I'm from the city. Then she said, "I meant, what job did you have before?" I thought that was an odd question -where I come from. Usually if I want to know where someone worked before, I ask, where did you work before. Then later today, one of the gals, was eating breakfast and was saying something like, "I hungry." Like poking fun at herself for using bad grammar. 

The clocking-in incident sounds to me like a perfectly normal misunderstanding that can happen during communication. Has it occurred to you that perhaps she was using her words carefully, not to rub it in your face, but because the misunderstanding had made her conscious that the other woman might misunderstand her if she didn't choose her words carefully? Maybe she was trying to avoid the misunderstanding that had already occurred between you two.

As for someone else cracking a joke around a grammatical error, that could very easily be an inside joke that has nothing to do with you. Maybe a cartoon character from her childhood says "I hungry." Maybe some little child she knows says "I hungry." And maybe your coworker thinks it's cute and funny, and so she did it too.

[Chloeflowers]

I just think I made mistake accepting the job, during the interview the work "laid-back" like what the supervisor said and the job is laid back-its an office job-pretty boring, so it would make sense that they want to "make it fun" and want to chit chat, in a white collar-cube environment. I'm just saying I had 2 warehouse jobs where it was fast paced, I was on my feet all day-it was productive and there was really no time for chit chat because we all had to be fast and meet productive goals and just chit chat at lunch. I'm in the wrong line of work -I should just go back to my warehouse job, where I'm actually keeping busy and warehouse workers can't chit chat with you on the floor because of all the things that we have to be attentive about. I'm thinking I'm only going to at this new gig for 2 more months

Edited March 2, 2023 by Chloeflowers

[Chloeflowers]

I don’t think my supervisor the woman who interviewed me made the quiet comment, because I always engaged convo with her. I think her manager-my manager-higher up-probably made that comment to her. Which I dont know what he wants me to tell him, i always greet him and ask him about his weekend. Expose my secrets to him? Geez.

But I’m just going to quit in 2 months and go back to a warehouse job. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Chloeflowers said:

 I’m just going to quit in 2 months and go back to a warehouse job. 

Interestingly it seems like they have too much time on their hands if all they want to do is chitchat all day. It doesn't seem like a good fit for you so your plan makes sense.

[glows]

So give it two months and see where you’re at then. I can relate to nosy people at work and dealt with it pretty much my entire working career. You’ll always have those kinds or try to read you or infer about your personal life. People can be that way both in the workplace and out! It’s not easy starting a new job. It’s not a one way street where you’re the only one learning something new. Keep in mind others have to get onboard with a new person and learn to work around you or with you. Your presence does or can affect your coworkers. That’s what working as a team is like. 

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying your previous role. I’m curious if this one pays more and provides more opportunities though?

[Alpacalia]

Intrusions take many forms. There may be times when managers and supervisors have to intervene. Coworkers may need your input on real or learned issues, or someone may just be nosy. Even fire drills can be intrusive.

Supervisors and managers are a pretty self-explanatory bunch. Timelines and priorities are set with them. That's part of your, and their, job. You take care of business. Judgment is required when coworkers intrusion. 

In your one-on-one meeting with your supervisor, you sound frustrated and misunderstood. It's understandable that you are annoyed by their comments about your quiet nature and how your coworkers treat you. As your role can be quite solitary, your company may have simply wanted you to feel comfortable at work. It is likely that they have noticed how uncomfortable you have been since being hired.

Occasionally, supervisors or managers will work with individuals to improve their internal relationships, etc., in order to increase productivity and efficiency.

Have you asked your supervisor about his or her expectations of your behavior and social interactions? 

 

[NuevoYorko]

If this job is not a good fit for you,  that's a good reason to look for a different one that suits you better.  

You're entitled to your feelings about the people where you work and the culture there.   It really sounds like it's a place where people enjoy socializing and getting to know each other, which does not suit you.  That's fine.  

I do think that you need to step back from your suspicions and negative feelings about the people you spend your workdays with.  It's not healthy for you; it sounds like you're really giving over to being angry and feeling targeted.    Just do your work and be polite.  It isn't really difficult to give others the idea that you don't want to engage in chit-chat with them.   Sooner or later they'll give up on trying for personal connections with you, or finding out more about you.   

There are certainly many workplaces that don't have this much of a social aspect, like the warehouse where you worked before.   Clearly you like that better, so keep your eyes open for opportunities.

 

[Chloeflowers]

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

If this job is not a good fit for you,  that's a good reason to look for a different one that suits you better.  

You're entitled to your feelings about the people where you work and the culture there.   It really sounds like it's a place where people enjoy socializing and getting to know each other, which does not suit you.  That's fine.  

I do think that you need to step back from your suspicions and negative feelings about the people you spend your workdays with.  It's not healthy for you; it sounds like you're really giving over to being angry and feeling targeted.    Just do your work and be polite.  It isn't really difficult to give others the idea that you don't want to engage in chit-chat with them.   Sooner or later they'll give up on trying for personal connections with you, or finding out more about you.   

There are certainly many workplaces that don't have this much of a social aspect, like the warehouse where you worked before.   Clearly you like that better, so keep your eyes open for opportunities.

 

Yup, I regret taking this job. Other jobs managers never questioned me about my “quietness” It was just small talk and that were no questions asked.

[Chloeflowers]

Now, Its just overall awkward. I feel like both of them are just micromanaging my personality/watching who or dont talk to. I’m getting weird vibes from my supervisor now, like not really engaging in social talk.  

[Alpacalia]

The situation you are describing sounds uncomfortable and stressful. It's understandable to feel like you are being watched or monitored, especially if you feel like your personality is being scrutinized. It's important to remember that everyone has different communication styles and preferences, and sometimes it takes time to build a rapport with colleagues.

Since you haven't considered having a conversation with your supervisor and expressing your concerns and asking for feedback on your performance and how you can improve your work it's possible that your supervisor may not even be aware that their behavior is making you uncomfortable.

Having a support network and people you feel comfortable talking to can make a big difference in how you feel about your job like managing stress through self-care activities like exercise, meditation, or spending time with friends and family outside of work.

In the meantime, your plan of finding a working environment that you're more comfortable in is a good idea.

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, Chloeflowers said:

But I’m just going to quit in 2 months and go back to a warehouse job. 

I was going to mention getting a warehouse job where people don't talk while working.  That sounds like a good fit for your personality.

[Chloeflowers]

I was thinking when people comment, "oh you're quiet" do they referred that to someone when they see an unattractive woman? Because if she was hot, people wouldn't question it and they would automatically befriend her. I had a flashback when I was in middle school there was this new girl that was really pretty and I remember on the schoolbus this one girl randomly asked "who's that girl? She's pretty." Well, all the popular girls befriended her and she was with the in crowd. She was welcomed and I bet people just started convos with her and no one said that she was quiet because she didn't need to work on her social skills since people came to her. 

Am I not attractive that people don't want to start convos with me? I also think of scenes in clueless and mean girls where the popular girls befriend the new girl no questions asked. 

[basil67]

30 minutes ago, Chloeflowers said:

Am I not attractive that people don't want to start convos with me? 

Wait....your whole complaint is that people are starting conversations with you at work.   So obviously, they do want to chat with you

[Alpacalia]

Funny. A job that I had years ago we had a foreign woman work on an internship and she was absolutely stunning. Most of the girls ostracized her on that basis. Her and I have been friends for 15+ years and she is lovely.

Initially you felt that your co-worker was attracted to you and it bothered you.

Developing relationships takes time and dedication. If you're not wanting to engage with others in the workplace (which you have every right not to want to) that's your prerogative. But you're also cutting off your nose to spite your face.

[Chloeflowers]

Well, all in all I'm going back to a warehouse job where I don't have to chit chat with people and forced to have convos about what I did over the weekend to people that I don't want to share with...I've had too many "white collar" jobs where managers claim that I'm quiet. 

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, Chloeflowers said:

Am I not attractive that people don't want to start convos with me? I also think of scenes in clueless and mean girls where the popular girls befriend the new girl no questions asked. 

Well, that's quite a stretch.  You've started a few threads about your dislike of "chit-chat" at your work, and how annoyed you get when people speak to you there.  Evidently this has been happening.  So, no worries about people not wanting to start convos with you.  
 

[Chloeflowers]

7 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Well, that's quite a stretch.  You've started a few threads about your dislike of "chit-chat" at your work, and how annoyed you get when people speak to you there.  Evidently this has been happening.  So, no worries about people not wanting to start convos with you.  
 

Moreso, "certain" people that I "don't" want to interact with and when they are in my face forcing me to talk about my personal life. My point was people that make "complaints" about me being too quiet- if they see I'm quiet and it bothers them then why don't they start a convo with me instead of just sitting back and making those comments? If that makes sense, its a give and give situation. 

[Alpacalia]

In the beginning, it was a male co-worker, then more co-workers, and finally your supervisor(s).

Certainly it can't be everyone at your job.

Your stirring up a stir at least gets you attention, eh?

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, Chloeflowers said:

Moreso, "certain" people that I "don't" want to interact with and when they are in my face forcing me to talk about my personal life. My point was people that make "complaints" about me being too quiet- if they see I'm quiet and it bothers them then why don't they start a convo with me instead of just sitting back and making those comments? If that makes sense, its a give and give situation. 

Well that one guy was trying to start friendly conversations with you and you didn't like it.  Maybe others noticed how you acted towards him and want to stay clear.  No one there knows who you want to talk to and who you don't want to talk to.  When do you start at the warehouse?  People who do warehouse work also have conversations during scheduled breaks and during lunch.