Overthinking things

[Bethaaaaaany]

I (24F) am in a relationship with a (35M) airline captain. I am really over thinking the relationship even though we have been dating for 11 months.

In the first few months of our relationship my mum would ask me to borrow cash of him because "he is family now". I refused.  My mum already took 50% of my wage in "rent" she never worked she kept going out with random guys from down the pub and I live and babysat my 3 other brothers and sisters (all under the age of 16) I share a room with my 7 year old sister and I have no privacy. 

After dating my boyfriend for 3 months (and my mum asking for all these loans) I was told I had to sleep on the sofa. Then my mum told me  the only reason my boyfriend was with me because I was clearly easy and why would he want me but I could prove her wrong by getting her a £5000 loan off him. I refused, she threw me out. I rang my boyfriend who said to move in with him. I've been here ever since.

I was thinking why would someone as amazing as him want to go out with a bakery girl? (I work in a UK bakery chain) he knows I work there, We met there (I was scared to ask him out my colleague just said "She likes you" then he said "Lets go for dinner tonight"). What if I'm not his only girlfriend as in he has one at every airport? (I don't think thats true)

He was working over Christmas he was flying to New York. He always gets me little gifts from everywhere new he goes and stays over. He asked me what I'd like and I said something from Victorias secret. (I work near one of their stores but never own anything. He never asked me my size so I don't think I'll get anything. My mind went in to overdrive either he will think I'm bigger than I really am or just I don't know. I was at my dads family and he had a box delivered to where I was and said to skype/whatsapp him when he got up, He got me this Harley Davidson jacket I was looking at (I'm also a bit of a biker girl) and a harley davidson experience. We are doing our Christmas tomorrow. We are doing new year tonight (I'm getting a take away delivered when he says he texts saying he is on his way back) and christmas tomorrow.

My mums being texting saying if he wanted to be here he would be and hes cheating on me. and he isn't coming tonight. I'm sat here worried. I am tracking his flight and it is showing as on time.

I'm worried he won't come. 

I'm also worried that my mum is right. 

I need help sorting my mind out. 

 

[glows]

It was disrespectful towards both him and you for your mother to ask him for loans, regardless of what she thinks of him.

It’s too much too soon moving in after knowing someone for only 3 months.

What makes you think he’s cheating on you, aside from the comments from your mother? It’s 11 months now since you met him. 

If you don’t want to live with him or have anything to do with him, end it and work more or find a roommate. I strongly suggest you do not move back in with your family as there is no space for you there. Make your own life. 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, Bethaaaaaany said:

  I could prove her wrong by getting her a £5000 loan off him. I refused, she threw me out. I rang my boyfriend who said to move in with him. I've been here ever since.

You did the right thing moving out, even if moving in with him was a bit premature. Don't doubt yourself.

Unfortunately your mother seems to have major problems including being mentally and fiscally abusive to you.

It may be best to stop allowing your mother's issues to derail your life and use you as a tool to finance her scamming and debauchery.

It may take a while to normalize your life but getting away from that coersive environment was a great first step.

[Gaeta]

About blocking your mother for a while....she is extremely toxic.

What i'm worried about is that you are 24 years old and not financially able to pay your own rent, that makes you dependant of a boyfriend. If this relationship ends you'll have nowhere to go and you'll end up back at you mother's place.

You need a life plan that will better your situation so you stand on your own.

There is nothing wrong with your boyfriend, all your insecurities come from what your mother put in your head. Stop sharing details of your life to her.

[Bethaaaaaany]

9 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

About blocking your mother for a while....she is extremely toxic.

What i'm worried about is that you are 24 years old and not financially able to pay your own rent, that makes you dependant of a boyfriend. If this relationship ends you'll have nowhere to go and you'll end up back at you mother's place.

You need a life plan that will better your situation so you stand on your own.

There is nothing wrong with your boyfriend, all your insecurities come from what your mother put in your head. Stop sharing details of your life to her.

In terms of rent, she was taking the majority of my wage half was for rent then she would charge me weekly for incidentals. leaving me with bus fare and a few things I needed. 

Now since moving in I have a savings account. So don't worry I have cash if I need it.

19 minutes ago, glows said:

It was disrespectful towards both him and you for your mother to ask him for loans, regardless of what she thinks of him.

It’s too much too soon moving in after knowing someone for only 3 months.

What makes you think he’s cheating on you, aside from the comments from your mother? It’s 11 months now since you met him. 

If you don’t want to live with him or have anything to do with him, end it and work more or find a roommate. I strongly suggest you do not move back in with your family as there is no space for you there. Make your own life. 

 

 

 

Its the comments she kept making, I've been on a few of the nights out his company held and everyone has said he won't shut up about me.

I do want to be with him. I really do. 

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You did the right thing moving out, even if moving in with him was a bit premature. Don't doubt yourself.

Unfortunately your mother seems to have major problems including being mentally and fiscally abusive to you.

It may be best to stop allowing your mother's issues to derail your life and use you as a tool to finance her scamming and debauchery.

It may take a while to normalize your life but getting away from that coersive environment was a great first step.

My boyfriend said the samw thing, he said the best thing to do was just get a new number and go no contact. Something I am doing,.

[NuevoYorko]

You're still quite young and it's not that simple extricating ourselves from dysfunctional family relationships.  You're still in the thick of that.  Your relationship with your mother is toxic and you might need some help navigating that.   Don't let it influence your relationship.

It's concerning that you left the negative drama of your mom's home and moved in with the bf.  That is probably unhealthy; a great burden on a new relationship.  It would be better to get on your own feet with roommates than to throw yourself right into complete dependence on a man you have known for 3 months.

In the short term, you need to find a way of getting boundaries with your mother.    Her behavior should not be defining your relationship.  Can you get some counseling?  

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Bethaaaaaany said:

.my boyfriend said the samw thing, he said the best thing to do was just get a new number and go no contact. Something I am doing,.

Yes. The more you distance yourself the better you will feel. Keep doing what you are doing, working, saving money, believing in yourself.

[Bethaaaaaany]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

You're still quite young and it's not that simple extricating ourselves from dysfunctional family relationships.  You're still in the thick of that.  Your relationship with your mother is toxic and you might need some help navigating that.   Don't let it influence your relationship.

It's concerning that you left the negative drama of your mom's home and moved in with the bf.  That is probably unhealthy; a great burden on a new relationship.  It would be better to get on your own feet with roommates than to throw yourself right into complete dependence on a man you have known for 3 months.

In the short term, you need to find a way of getting boundaries with your mother.    Her behavior should not be defining your relationship.  Can you get some counseling?  

I think the fact he isnt always here doesnt put a strain on things

[NuevoYorko]

39 minutes ago, Bethaaaaaany said:

I think the fact he isnt always here doesnt put a strain on things

I agree.  But then you're worrying about him because he's not there.

[Ami1uwant]

Your mom is toxic.  Don’t listen to her in any way shape or form.

[ShyViolet]

Your mom is absolutely toxic, and if she can't treat you with a basic level of decency and stop being abusive, then you should cut contact with her.  Do not let her put negative thoughts in your head.

However, I agree with others that it probably wasn't healthy to jump straight into being dependent on this boyfriend.  What if your relationship with your bf doesn't work out, then where will that leave you?  Please work on a plan to stand on your own two feet in case this relationship doesn't work out, so that you do not end up moving back in with your Mom.  That should be avoided at all costs.

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm so sorry that your mom is so negative. 

Are you aware of how negative and demeaning of you she is? 

[glows]

OP,

A number of issues continue to stand out to me and it’s not just your mother. 

There is still a large age gap and you don’t seem able to support yourself. It’s adding to your overall insecurities. This means 100% paying for your own roof over your head and your bills. You also don’t seem to have any experience living on your own. You’ve jumped straight from home into a partner’s home. 

Keep working on your career and don’t depend on your boyfriend to house you. Things can go south so be prepared that you are financially independent. 

The other issue is him being away from home often or for long periods. You will have to decide whether you’re secure and confident to be able to be with someone who travels frequently. It becomes draining to the other person having to reassure the other partner over time. If you don’t like his career be more honest with yourself instead of settling.

Even though I agree with your boyfriend about distancing yourself from your mother, that decision has to come from you. It cannot come from him through spats and ultimatums or other disagreements. It’s not his place to tell you what family or friends to cut out of your life and I’d be wary in the way in speaks to you. 

[Bethaaaaaany]

12 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Your mom is absolutely toxic, and if she can't treat you with a basic level of decency and stop being abusive, then you should cut contact with her.  Do not let her put negative thoughts in your head.

However, I agree with others that it probably wasn't healthy to jump straight into being dependent on this boyfriend.  What if your relationship with your bf doesn't work out, then where will that leave you?  Please work on a plan to stand on your own two feet in case this relationship doesn't work out, so that you do not end up moving back in with your Mom.  That should be avoided at all costs.

I have money now so if anything happens I can move out on my own

10 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I'm so sorry that your mom is so negative. 

Are you aware of how negative and demeaning of you she is? 

I do yes

8 hours ago, glows said:

OP,

A number of issues continue to stand out to me and it’s not just your mother. 

There is still a large age gap and you don’t seem able to support yourself. It’s adding to your overall insecurities. This means 100% paying for your own roof over your head and your bills. You also don’t seem to have any experience living on your own. You’ve jumped straight from home into a partner’s home. 

Keep working on your career and don’t depend on your boyfriend to house you. Things can go south so be prepared that you are financially independent. 

The other issue is him being away from home often or for long periods. You will have to decide whether you’re secure and confident to be able to be with someone who travels frequently. It becomes draining to the other person having to reassure the other partner over time. If you don’t like his career be more honest with yourself instead of settling.

Even though I agree with your boyfriend about distancing yourself from your mother, that decision has to come from you. It cannot come from him through spats and ultimatums or other disagreements. It’s not his place to tell you what family or friends to cut out of your life and I’d be wary in the way in speaks to you. 

I am not financially dependant on my boyfriend, yes I live in his house, I have savings, I pay my bills and contribute to the house. I have lived on my own at Uni, then the pandemic happened back to hopefully save costs. That didn't work out

 

I do feel secure and confident, my mum has poisoned my head though.  

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Think about what it says about your (lack of) respect for your boyfriend every time you worry he is cheating. 

You can't think much of him as a man if you believe that. Do you believe he is of such low quality and ill character that he is the type to do these things? Because that is what it boils down to. 

[smackie9]

Move out, and your problems will go away. You are 24 you should be living on your own and enjoying your own life.

[Lotsgoingon]

Wow, sounds to me like you are doing SO WELL in the face of a mother who is destructive and trying to push you back.

Any chance you can get some additional support through a therapist? I think you need another older person in your life--someone not a bf. I'm not against bf but you need some support separate from bf. So that you don't have to figure all this stuff by yourself. 

But you sound so resilient, and strong. Wow! 

[Calmandfocused]

I was very saddened to read this post. Most parents want what’s best for their children but your mother wants what’s best for her .,., more on that in a moment but there’s something bugging me that I need to ask: 

Are your 3 (minor) brothers and sisters safe Op? Are you worried about them? If your mother is not a good parent to you she won’t be to them either. Know that you can and should report any concerns to the relevant protective services.

From what you’ve told us I believe that your mother’s  motivation for filling your head with untruths about your boyfriend  is simple; 

She’s wants you to dump him, move back home so she can take all your money again. In her mind your boyfriend’s existence means that she is losing “her” money. She must be gutted that she’s lost her full time “income” through you. 
 

Remember that when she’s telling you these “things”. She’s not trying to help you, she’s trying to split you up for her own selfish reasons. 
 

Forget about what she’s saying and instead think about why she’s saying it. 
 

Id advise you never to live with her again or give her any money. Break the chain of her financial dependence on you and then maybe you may be able to have some sort of relationship with her. 
 

As for your boyfriend: he seems to adore you. However it’s good that you’ve got a contingency should anything go wrong. Very sensible indeed. 

[JTSW]

You have a great BF and a great relationship.

Hold on to that. 

What you need to let go of is your mother. 

She is beyond toxic and is doing her best to sabotage your relationship.

She's planting doubts in your mind and making you insecure.

She's only interested in money and control. She doesn't care about you, just wants to control you.

You need to block any contact with her for good before she ruins your life.

[Bethaaaaaany]

On 1/1/2023 at 7:49 PM, Calmandfocused said:

I was very saddened to read this post. Most parents want what’s best for their children but your mother wants what’s best for her .,., more on that in a moment but there’s something bugging me that I need to ask: 

Are your 3 (minor) brothers and sisters safe Op? Are you worried about them? If your mother is not a good parent to you she won’t be to them either. Know that you can and should report any concerns to the relevant protective services.

From what you’ve told us I believe that your mother’s  motivation for filling your head with untruths about your boyfriend  is simple; 

She’s wants you to dump him, move back home so she can take all your money again. In her mind your boyfriend’s existence means that she is losing “her” money. She must be gutted that she’s lost her full time “income” through you. 
 

Remember that when she’s telling you these “things”. She’s not trying to help you, she’s trying to split you up for her own selfish reasons. 
 

Forget about what she’s saying and instead think about why she’s saying it. 
 

Id advise you never to live with her again or give her any money. Break the chain of her financial dependence on you and then maybe you may be able to have some sort of relationship with her. 
 

As for your boyfriend: he seems to adore you. However it’s good that you’ve got a contingency should anything go wrong. Very sensible indeed. 

He does, love me alot and I adore him too. Like I have dropped him off at the airport and he has left me the keys to his car so I don't need to get up early to get the bus to work. My mother has texted a fair bit since I haven't had the number changed. I've been ignored them.

 

As for my brothers and sisters I have been thinking about ringing social services because the house isn't the best and they all share a rooms in the cramped house. I need to think. I don't want them splitting up and I'll never see them again. She doesn't hit them or anything, (Except when they are "naughty") and the food isn't the best. When I used to cook they loved what I served.

I need to think I know I'm safe but I do feel selfish about them

On 1/3/2023 at 1:03 PM, JTSW said:

You have a great BF and a great relationship.

Hold on to that. 

What you need to let go of is your mother. 

She is beyond toxic and is doing her best to sabotage your relationship.

She's planting doubts in your mind and making you insecure.

She's only interested in money and control. She doesn't care about you, just wants to control you.

You need to block any contact with her for good before she ruins your life.

Thank you. she only saw me as a cashpoint. I'm happier as I am now

 

[Bethaaaaaany]

Things have took a turn for the worst

I was a family gathering (My Aunt who I am on good terms with) held a Christening on Saturday. She knows about the situation and said that I could sit with her and my uncle. (As well as other family/friends). She said my mum and my brother/sisters  will come for the "free stuff"

She come with them , in the evening, she got drunk I was outside having a vape (I know I know! I shouldn't) she come out all drunk and started shouting abuse at me at how I "disrespected her" and how I ""owe her for everything" and if my boyfriend "really loved" me "He'd be here right now not working, if he really is working". I try and leave. She slaps me back and assaulted me (One of my uncles come out and saw the whole thing) and next thing I know is I woke up in hospital with blackeyes, broken cheek bones and broken ribs. 

Police have took a statement. Although the NHS is working slow I did get a bed fairly quickly. I'm very sore and they might need to operate. 

[Calmandfocused]

I had to read that twice in disbelief! This is absolutely horrifying! Abused like that from your own mother! 
 

She’s dangerous Op. You need to stay away from her. Focus on your recovery mentally and physically and make sure you press charges. There is no way she should be allowed to get away with that. 
 

So I gather you’re in the U.K.? The fact the police and NHS are involved means that action will be taken to protect your minor brothers and sisters. It’s a good thing, please don’t fear it. If they ask you questions be honest about it. 
 

It sounds like lots of your family have your best interests at heart. Seek support from them. Don’t let your mum visit you in the hospital. You’re weak and vulnerable. Protect yourself and more importantly; get well soon xx

[JTSW]

14 hours ago, Bethaaaaaany said:

I try and leave. She slaps me back and assaulted me (One of my uncles come out and saw the whole thing) and next thing I know is I woke up in hospital with blackeyes, broken cheek bones and broken ribs. 

Did you press charges?

She was that jealous of your life that beat the hell out of you.

What kind of mother does that?

I hope she's locked up for this now. 

Take it all the way, get her locked up and out of your life for good.

Get a restraining order too if she doesn't get locked up.

[Bethaaaaaany]

Sorry I've been resting for the last few days. I have been allowed home and had visits from family and work colleagues, my boyfriend has been amazing looking after me and fussing.

I do need to have a few operations, One on my ribs and one potentially on my cheek bones 

The police have arrested her and the case is going to the magistrates. I am empty as to why she would do this. My brothers and sisters are in care with the family and social services are involved.

My face is very swollen and I feel very insecure and I am very worried my boyfriend will leave me. He has took leave from work to look after me.

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, Bethaaaaaany said:

 The police have arrested her and the case is going to the magistrates.. He has took leave from work to look after me.

Very sorry this happened. Hope you get well soon. It's good she was arrested. Your BF sounds like a wonderful guy.