Disrespected this guy how can I get him back?

[Kitty_m]

Hi really need some advice please. I was seeing this guy only for 3 weeks (most days we would see eachother tho) so i got attached bad, and its been 2 months since we broke up but i really miss him and want him back!!

what happened was i was admitted to emergency with a concussion worrying if there was brain breeding etc. sent him a text that Friday night it was. He just kept texting back and forth things like are you ok? I said i am not he didnt even call me to check up or come to support me. I waited like 2 hours before i got upset i even said “you didnt even call to checkup on me you dont care” he then claimed he cant call as drs maybe looking at me. Which is mit a good reason so i felt quiet like he doesnt care about me [ ]  if im unwell i felt lonely and pushed aside. I still do! 
and so i said to him i wont see him again and he said he been msging me whole time so i said go get [ ]  that was the word that set him off he said i act like his crazy gf and he wish me well.

Then i unfollowed him on ig and so did he next morning. Now 2 months past he still looks at my stories but doesnt talk. I went to same club we met at one week after to bump into him and maybe talk he walked past me ignored me so i was hurt. Then i sent him a msg saying wow you walked past and ignored me thanks kinda msg he didnt even read! Like must have deleted it after reading. So being still mad at him for what he done and 2 months past

i cannot apologise for what i did. And i dont know if he would even reply or accept my apology as i also tried to call him couple of weeks ago he didnt even take my call? What do i do. Why does he not talk but look at ny public instagram even tho hes not my gollower hes watchin?? How can i get him back😞 would he even come back? 
ps. I am still hurt about how i felt at hosp. Yes i feel bad for saying those words i shouldnt have said but i also wish he knew that he didnt treat me right then and neglected me when i needed him! 

Edited January 2, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[glows]

You can’t force someone to want to be with you. Let this go. He doesn’t feel the same way anymore. 

You’ll have to respect that and step back. Don’t send anymore texts or call him. It shows that you don’t have restraint or self-respect chasing after a guy who doesn’t want to be with you. 

If he wants to reach out he knows where you are. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Kitty_m said:

 i got attached bad, 

Sorry it didn't work out. However you seem to have insight into that you get overinvolved, overinvested and over-attached too soon.

Try to keep things in perspective as far as someone you know fits in your life after dating 21 days.

Pace yourself, take time and try not to smother or become clingy when you barely know each other. To be honest your rage at him seems disproportionate to the situation, so make sure past hurts and abandonment issues aren't haunting you.

 

 

 

 

[NuevoYorko]

But ... he WAS texting you to find out if you were okay.   You only knew him for 3 weeks.

This won't be salvageable.  I hope you learned something.  Nobody is going to stick around for that kind of behavior.  

[ExpatInItaly]

There is nothing more you can do. 

You have got to keep both feet on the ground next time. You still barely knew the guy and your expectations were therefore unrealistic. It's time for you to take the hint and keep moving. He doesn't want to date you any longer.

[Kitty_m]

Why is he keep checking out my stories tho? Is he missing me or is he expecting ne to charmse him or simply because hes curious?

[Mrin]

12 minutes ago, Kitty_m said:

Why is he keep checking out my stories tho? Is he missing me or is he expecting ne to charmse him or simply because hes curious? 

Just curious is my bet

[Kitty_m]

Why is he keep checking out my stories tho? Is he missing me or is he expecting me to chase him or simply because hes curious?

thanks for the replies. I really am trying to move on. Its been 2 monhts it just doesnt make sense? I think part of me feels guilty for breaking his heart as he told me he doesnt trust anyone easily and he trusted me🥺 and part of me is hurt because i felt uncared for. 
I know it moved fast but he was saying things like hes nit seeing anyone else other than me and like wanted to take me on my first camping trip etc i guess he did impress me and i had high expectations thinking je was exclusive.

[glows]

You overreacted and got angry. He called you crazy and wished you well. He’s not responding to you and doesn’t acknowledge you. Watching your IG may be anything from plain curious or just bored. Even if he does still like you in some way his actions show clearly he does not want to be associated with you or communicate with you. We do not know what he is thinking so it’s not realistic to ask a random board of strangers to tell you what this guy wants. I am very sorry this hasn’t worked out. 

He disappointed you even though I think you were quite harsh towards him. You may not like hearing this but you would probably do better figuring out why you were so impatient with him or needy in the way you expected him to dote on you.

I understand being sick and in hospital is frustrating and scary. It’s not his problem you had a concussion however and you were only seeing each other for 3 weeks. Find more reliable support elsewhere - speak with your doctor, ask for resources for therapists or counsellor to help deal with all the emotions coming from the concussion or your recovery. It wasn’t appropriate to put that on someone you just met recently.

Edited January 2, 2023 by glows

[Kitty_m]

17 hours ago, glows said:

You can’t force someone to want to be with you. Let this go. He doesn’t feel the same way anymore. 

You’ll have to respect that and step back. Don’t send anymore texts or call him. It shows that you don’t have restraint or self-respect chasing after a guy who doesn’t want to be with you. 

If he wants to reach out he knows where you are. 

Would he reach out tho after i told him go get [ ] ? Kinda feel kike hes expectingan apology msg? Him keep looking at my stories make me feel like he wants me but wont be back unless i apologise😭

Edited January 2, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[glows]

You can try apologizing and see what he says. We can’t tell you what he wants. 

If he doesn’t respond, you have your answer. 

[basil67]

21 minutes ago, Kitty_m said:

Would he reach out tho after i told him go get [ ] ? Kinda feel kike hes expectingan apology msg?😭

I can't speak for him, but I wouldn't give a second chance after that.  And an apology would make no difference because I expect people to know that that behaviour is unacceptable

[Alpacalia]

I'm sorry to hear you suffered such a traumatic injury.

I don't necessarily think you're making a big deal out of nothing at all.

Quite the contrary. Who visits you in the hospital is a huge deal, and a litmus test of who really cares about you.

Now I'm not saying you must dump someone you've been dating for three weeks as harshly as you did nor do I see any real point in confronting him in the manner in which you did. But perhaps your time would have been better spent taking stock. How you went about that is up to you.

He contacted you to see how you are. It was just your normal expectation that after three weeks of dating someone, there would be more.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Kitty_m said:

 Is he missing me or is he expecting me to chase him or simply because hes curious?

Unfortunately he's no longer interested.  So he's neither missing you nor interested in your chasing him.

Sometimes things just don't work out. That's ok. The key is to let go and move forward.

[Kitty_m]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately he's no longer interested.  So he's neither missing you nor interested in your chasing him.

Sometimes things just don't work out. That's ok. The key is to let go and move forward.

You didnt have to be so harsh in your reply..doesnt help someone whos already upset?

Not trying to make an excuse for my behaviour because it is unacceptable  however you can tell from what i said that i regret saying that and breaking his heart!

I live with cptsd and been seeing a psych for years to try and get on top of my triggers and coping mechanisms. Trust me when i get triggered i cannot use my vise mind nor able to change my reaction.
Neglect is my biggest trigger and when he left me without a phone call i was deeply hurt and felt neglected and felt like he lied to me when he said all those cute thinhs about hes just seeing me and he likes me and he asked me what i am looking for etc and yes i was triggered coz i needed him!

 By the time i calmed down and was able to use my senses i already lost him. 

Even tho i now consider apologising what would it change right? Even if he wanted me or even if someone else wanted i still am mot able to stop myself from having these triggers or rage. And i feel as tho not right to even approach him or someone while i am working on this. Literally everytime i have someone i like i push them away so i dont hurt them. This time i liked him bit much and i am hurt. I will work on my triggers further and rewire my brain to cope with triggers differently. Its so hard to even habe time out or leave the situation at that moment. I am only explaining this as i wanted to tell some people live with lifelong conditions. I also have borderline personality dosorder and if one doesnt get teiggered other one does so not a hood combo to deal with. Btw my English and grammar isnt great as i am from Europe. 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Kitty_m said:

I live with cptsd and been seeing a psych for years to try and get on top of my triggers and coping mechanisms. . I also have borderline personality dosorder 

It's good you are taking care of yourself and your physical and mental health. That's the best approach right now. Perhaps the therapist can help you cope with the situation until you feel better.

[Beachead]

@Kitty_m

OP,

Some here have said he checks your IG out of curiosity but I believe it's deeper than that.  It's probably grief. 

You have to remember that the person who left you is also a human being. It's not easy to find someone out there that you can connect with these days.  So when he did meet you, he probably had hopes for you and him.  Was probably happy, excited.  Pleasant feelings.  Walking away hurt him because it shattered all that.   So he feels disappointment.  He may worry whether he may find someone again.   He may wish things were different between you two but also knows, a relationship won't be a good result, because you've got some issues to sort out and he isn't prepared to handle it. 

In seeing it like that, it's easier to understand why he may check your instagram but doesn't talk or engage with you at all.

Moving past that now, apart from the obvious that neglect is unpleasant, you have to focus on what YOU can control. 

So delve into why neglect triggers you.  Really analyze the hell out of it.  Once you know why it happens, you can figure out how to overcome it.   Then take that knowledge you acquired and apply it to practice by meeting new people and socializing on a lighter, platonic capacity.  You can practice with acquaintances like coworkers, classmates, people you meet in your day to day etc.  This will help you to reframe your train of thought in instances when people come and go and disappoint you.  And it will happen OP.   People come and go.  People don't do what you may want them to do.  They may not behave how you want them to behave.  They have their own thoughts, feelings.  Their own lives.  Their own trauma that affects them; affects their behavior, their choices, the way they see themselves, the way they approach you, and how they approach the world.  When you realize this, you can then understand why it's far more likely that most people you meet probably won't stick around in your life.

And the same is true for you.  You have your own motivations and goals and they will take you away from them.

So, people will come and go.  You may grow attached to them and it will hurt you a little and you will learn to deal.   

Right now, you avoid that whole process altogether, because you're afraid, but in avoiding it, you've hardly learned how to deal with such matters.  So when they happen, you lose it.   You need to acquire the tools.  When you do, the unavoidable fact that people will come and go  will hurt you, less, and you will be able to cope with it without losing your head.

Stay away from relationships for now.  They're too emotionally intense.  It's Level 2 stuff.  Right now, work on Level 1; strong mental discipline.

When you understand yourself from top to bottom, I believe you may be able to overcome the challenges associated with your conditions. 

You made a mistake.  You will continue to make mistakes.  It's okay.  The important thing is to try and learn from them and become better, for you. 

- Feather

Edited January 2, 2023 by MisterFeather

[Kitty_m]

43 minutes ago, MisterFeather said:

@Kitty_m

OP,

Some here have said he checks your IG out of curiosity but I believe it's deeper than that.  It's probably grief. 

You have to remember that the person who left you is also a human being. It's not easy to find someone out there that you can connect with these days.  So when he did meet you, he probably had hopes for you and him.  Was probably happy, excited.  Pleasant feelings.  Walking away hurt him because it shattered all that.   So he feels disappointment.  He may worry whether he may find someone again.   He may wish things were different between you two but also knows, a relationship won't be a good result, because you've got some issues to sort out and he isn't prepared to handle it. 

In seeing it like that, it's easier to understand why he may check your instagram but doesn't talk or engage with you at all.

Moving past that now, apart from the obvious that neglect is unpleasant, you have to focus on what YOU can control. 

So delve into why neglect triggers you.  Really analyze the hell out of it.  Once you know why it happens, you can figure out how to overcome it.   Then take that knowledge you acquired and apply it to practice by meeting new people and socializing on a lighter, platonic capacity.  You can practice with acquaintances like coworkers, classmates, people you meet in your day to day etc.  This will help you to reframe your train of thought in instances when people come and go and disappoint you.  And it will happen OP.   People come and go.  People don't do what you may want them to do.  They may not behave how you want them to behave.  They have their own thoughts, feelings.  Their own lives.  Their own trauma that affects them; affects their behavior, their choices, the way they see themselves, the way they approach you, and how they approach the world.  When you realize this, you can then understand why it's far more likely that most people you meet probably won't stick around in your life.

And the same is true for you.  You have your own motivations and goals and they will take you away from them.

So, people will come and go.  You may grow attached to them and it will hurt you a little and you will learn to deal.   

Right now, you avoid that whole process altogether, because you're afraid, but in avoiding it, you've hardly learned how to deal with such matters.  So when they happen, you lose it.   You need to acquire the tools.  When you do, the unavoidable fact that people will come and go  will hurt you, less, and you will be able to cope with it without losing your head.

Stay away from relationships for now.  They're too emotionally intense.  It's Level 2 stuff.  Right now, work on Level 1; strong mental discipline.

When you understand yourself from top to bottom, I believe you may be able to overcome the challenges associated with your conditions. 

You made a mistake.  You will continue to make mistakes.  It's okay.  The important thing is to try and learn from them and become better, for you. 

- Feather

Thank you for your thorough reply. You are 100% right. He is probably sad. The worse part is he had ptsd as well and he would dump some heavy things on me. I am studying psychology and so people do this alot. But for him i think alot of people didnt listen to him. So with me he found a way to deal with his part i think! I feel as tho i disappointed him big time but then i was unable to bear the heavyness of stuff he told me i said he need to talk to a professional. Only few days before i left him this happened. So we kept triggering eachother in that 3 weeks we had 3 big arguments last one being me saying that rude stuff. So i feel like it wouldnt have worked anyways. 
and for me i know why neglect is a big trigger. My childhood years was pure neglect from both parents and never had anyone when i needed them. So now soon as someone does this in smallest matter i feel like they dont care about me. I came a long way but more to go! 
really appreciate your insights i will keep reading and reminding myself. Especially the part where you mentioned other people have triggers too and that they wont behave the way i want them too…

i just hope next time i have a love interest i can stop and breathe and able to recognise i am triggered and that i am ober reacting. This is hardest part as emotions are so strong and takes me on a roller coaster. It is scarry but at least i know what i am dealing with and will keep trying. And to anyone thats reading this… sometimes with these mental health conditions we make mistakes we dont even mean to its because our minds switch off when the schemas take charge and unable to think or control it, and i wish it was an excuse but its real!

[ExpatInItaly]

[ ] 

18 hours ago, Kitty_m said:

So we kept triggering eachother in that 3 weeks we had 3 big arguments

That is way too much drama for 21 days. It's the sign you both have your own issues to work on before you date, and the sign you don't mesh well at all. 

Edited January 3, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
not addressing OP

[glows]

I’m curious why you did not apologize earlier if this is weighing on you. Were you consumed by anger only? I agree therapy is best. He did not have to be on the receiving end of that and it’s not his fault you’re dealing with a concussion and other issues.

Now that you know where you can improve focus on that so that others don’t have to be at the brunt of your anger or neediness.

Most people don’t get overly attached at 3 weeks to the point of feeling so upset that it amounts to grief. You depended on him greatly for support but it’s misplaced. Find support and guidance through therapy and counselling.

[Kitty_m]

10 minutes ago, glows said:

I’m curious why you did not apologize earlier if this is weighing on you. Were you consumed by anger only? I agree therapy is best. He did not have to be on the receiving end of that and it’s not his fault you’re dealing with a concussion and other issues.

Now that you know where you can improve focus on that so that others don’t have to be at the brunt of your anger or neediness.

Most people don’t get overly attached at 3 weeks to the point of feeling so upset that it amounts to grief. You depended on him greatly for support but it’s misplaced. Find support and guidance through therapy and counselling.

I went to the club we met a week after to bump into him i was going to talk and apologise. When he walked past me not even look i felt as tho he doesnt want to be spoken to. Then i called him a few weeks ago he didnt pickup so i dont think he even wants to hear what i have to say. 
so even now what holds me is that if he doesnt reply i will feel even more rejected. And as i say this i am giving my own reply right there😆

btw i was not needy other than that one occasion i was unwell. Im not the clingy type that keeps calling or mshing or chasing and he did say he liked that about me…

[glows]

That’s good that you know this about yourself. Don’t respond and switch your focus to other things. Apologizing then is not the answer since all the other times you’ve tried to reach out has been met with him ignoring you. I suggest you do not read into his lack of response. He is just not interested - end of story.

Exercise, do minor clean ups and house repairs, go shopping, call a friend and ask them how they’re doing. Are you a little mobile? I’m assuming so. Don’t put yourself at any added risk during recovery. 

The point is shifting your mind quickly to other things and not dwelling on this.

[glows]

That’s a lot of speculation and false hope as he may want nothing to do with her as shown by his actions. 

It’s important you shift your focus so that you’re not ruminating and becoming obsessed over this short encounter, OP. Work on your mental health and a smooth recovery. 

[Alpacalia]

Just remember OP that during those first few months of dating to give enough space and not allow yourself to dive in out of fear of loosing the person. 

It's also worthwhile to recognize the difference between attraction and compatibility.

As someone who values their life outside of relationships, you may also come to resent how fixated you become on them when you're in one.

Your anxiousness may never fully go away though you can learn that healthy love isn't obsessing over someone, so hopefully you won't freak out if your future partner doesn't give you their full attention.

 

 

[Beachead]

@Kitty_m

2 hours ago, Kitty_m said:

My childhood years was pure neglect from both parents and never had anyone when i needed them. So now soon as someone does this in smallest matter i feel like they dont care about me. I came a long way but more to go! 
really appreciate your insights i will keep reading and reminding myself. Especially the part where you mentioned other people have triggers too and that they wont behave the way i want them too…

I can understand as I've struggled with these things in the past well.  I'm much better at dealing with it now.  I'll tell you what worked for me; journaling.

Buy yourself a notebook.  Convert it to a journal and write.  It's a better way to get a hold of yourself than trying to work the math out in your head.  There's too much noise in our brains being swayed by work, people, and other circumstances in life. 

It's a lot easier to see what's in your head when you put it onto paper, even if you have some trouble getting it all out (You'll get better at doing so, with practice).  Just in the same way you're posting here, you can let your feelings out in this journal. Free, unrestricted, writing with cuss words and all.   You don't have to worry about judgment from anyone else and you don't have to worry about doing this everyday.  Only when you feel like you need to let some things out.  It'll just be between you and yourself.  Which means you can let loose exactly as you need to and then you get to see what's really there in your mind.  This technique will be your best friend when someone disappoints you or they just move on with their life and you feel that uncontrollable pain which you regard as neglect/abandonment.  That's when the deepest stuff will rear its ugly head but instead of unleashing it on them, you send it to the journal.  Write, write, write.  See what comes out.  Put a star next to it, just to remind you that you wrote this during an abandonment episode. 

The more passages you accumulate, the clearer certain patterns in your thinking will become to you and that means you can redesign a better plan to help you deal with your social challenges.  When you get to that point, where you want a build plan, you're going to write that down as well.  Everyday.  Clearly.  Descriptively.  Step by step.  

As you get comfortable journaling and you go through more these situations (And you will), you may start to find, you can actually catch yourself before you explode and send it where it needs to go.  That internal mind-work is just as important as going to your job, exercising, socializing etc.

So to summarize:

1.  Free-write your thoughts/feelings onto paper.

2. Identify patterns in your thinking 

3. Create or restructure an original game-plan, to help you deal with your personal challenges more effectively (This can be done later on after you've logged in enough passages)

I did this my whole adult life. It works.  You just have to be real with yourself and strategic with your writing; conscious, mindful writing.  Don't just go through the motions.

- Feather

Edited January 2, 2023 by MisterFeather