Should I give up? Is there no hope?

[MeanMisterFlustered]

Happy New Year to you all. I’ve just been crying and in tears again because I really want to get married, really want a wedding and can’t find a woman to marry.

It’s very hard being on the spectrum in a rural area, knowing some days I’m fine being by myself and I’m interested in other things. But with this just being the holidays, I’m reminded how alone I am, having a small family and am an only child, few friends - all of whom are out of state and seeing engagement pictures on social media, wanting my turn and not wanting to die until it is. But I often hate myself to the point I sometimes wish I was dead.

I’m trying my best once and for all to lose this gut and to lose some weight. I have at times to impress women I’m interested in, but that never works out, and see no other incentive to do so.

I’m not even asking a woman to love me or to like me, just to be with me. Whether it’s genuine love and affection, which would be ideal, or pity/sympathy/not wanting to be alone/desperate for a man, I don’t care.

I feel like I’m too old to find or be with someone. I didn’t get my first date until I was 22 (which I paid a matchmaker for), got my first kiss at 23, first girlfriend at 25 and had a brief romantic involvement with someone at 29. I’ve had a scatter of dates in the last few years, that’s it. I don’t really resent women who turn me down now, but there is animosity/trauma from girls and women who turned me down and hurt me in high school and college. 

I really crave the love, the affection, kissing, handholding and cuddling. Sex will happen if it happens, I mentioned to both of my partners, just never happened, which was fine with me.

I also have a very public job and the women I’m attracted to who might be eligible do stuff in the field or I work with them, and I pride myself on professionalism. I asked out my former boss who was a couple years older than me. She told me she had a boyfriend (apparently she does). I was relieved, as I worried of repercussions, especially after Me Too happened. But I kept my attraction to her to myself and as someone job and career-oriented, I always put my job first. I really weighed to say anything, but told myself life is too short to not go after what you really want, no matter how lofty or ambitious. 

I don’t know if I’m a nice person or good person. I’d like to think that I am, but that’s of course up to others. I know I’ve said and done things I’m not proud of and take the blame, but I’ve been told I’m good looking/handsome, have been I have positive qualities. The way I see it, everybody’s got something their partner won’t like about them. I know that was the case for me and vice-versa with my partners. Nobody’s perfect, though in the past I felt the pressure to be perfect to be with someone.

I know I’m not without my faults and shortcomings, and really want a wedding for the attention (yes, me, the would-be groom, wants to be the center of attention at his wedding). I know what music I want the bride to walk down to, I know I want to DJ my wedding and play all Beatles songs (see my name, which is a play on a Beatles song). I also know I’ve gotten a girlfriend before. So, what’s next? Getting engaged and married. 

I’m pretty exhausted and burned out from my job. I’m also tired of reaching out to women on these sites/apps and trying to start over with someone new. The last partner I had I talked to a month before we even met. Sparks briefly flew, but all of a sudden, it’s coming on two years since meeting and briefly seeing her. I don’t wish her any ill, though I miss her and occasionally see her. We say nothing to each other, but if she ever said anything to me, I’d ask what I’m supposed to say to her, then walk away.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve hated myself, hated life, feeling neglected and overlooked by the opposite sex. I tell myself that I’m not perfect, but I’m worth it. If a woman even says hi to me after I say hi, that feels like a win. Without expecting or wanting anything else, it feels good to have women even acknowledge my existence.

But what’s the point? What’s the point of believing in what you’re capable of or what you can do if you seldom get the chance to showcase it? I got rejected twice by my current job before the third time was the charm, and now I’m the longest tenured employee there and loved and appreciated by many for the work I do.  I’m very driven, so I was out to prove that not only were they correct to hire me, I wanted to prove I should’ve been hired to begin with.

You might stress the importance of confidence, which I have confidence, for example, in knocking out a big project at work and doing it well, because my mindset is that I know what I can do, I believe in myself and nobody can stop me except me.

But with romance, it’s different. I love to spoil and pamper women, buy them stuff, make them feel good. The two women I was with, I had no major fight or blowup with. I do know that I don’t want to be on these sites or apps. I want my person.

You might say having a someone won’t solve all my problems, and in my experience, this is correct. But it helps, does it ever help. Maybe it can’t cure me of other problems or woes, but it sure can help lessen them.

You might say it happens when you least expect it, which is partially true. The women I had as partners I wasn’t particularly expecting to have them as such, but I did reach out to them as I was looking for someone.

I do hope I can delete the sites and the apps someday. I don’t like the term the dating game, as I don’t see dating as a game because we’re talking about real people and real emotions.

When I had my first partner, my best friend, who still is, wanted to take me to a strip club, and declined I had a girlfriend. Loyalty means something to me, and while other women don’t stop being attractive when I see someone, cheating is the ultimate cardinal sin in the realm of relationships. Lots of things I could forgive, not that.
 

I’m more introverted than extroverted. Since a lot of people know me or know of me, if they see me out and about, I’ll smile, say hello, tell them it’s good to see them and be on my way. I’m not very loud and boisterous or extroverted, can do public speaking, though, and like to throw out zingers, having shown the ability to make women laugh. But what would that get me if I decided to make a move on someone I made laugh? 
 

The COVID shutdown didn’t bother me since I don’t really go out much except for work or to a show to add to my signed Sports Illustrated collection. I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs, eat meat and I’m an atheist. It doesn’t bother me if you are different from me in some ways, as long as you don’t pressure me to conform.

I’m trying to volunteer at a food bank and love giving to Toys For Tots and other charitable organizations.

I haven’t been on a date since May or June, haven’t kissed anyone since November 2021. I occasionally feel hopeless like now, but remember thinking I’ve done it before and can (and have) done it again, even when I didn’t think I would. 
 

What’s funny is my desire for praise and attention is prevalent, but I shrink up if I actually get it. I want to get engaged, but don’t want a bachelor party.

All I want is that someone, not multiple women, just that one. If there’s someone for everyone, then I wish someone would introduce me to that someone so I can get on with my life.
 

I know what I want, don’t like to pretend to be something I’m not and I always say I’m not a manly man, I’m not a girly man, I’m just me. I feel no need to prove any masculinity on my end because everybody has insecurities, and I’m no different, but I’m not insecure about that.

So, I’m really, really hoping 2023 is the year I meet someone I get engaged to. 
 

Thank you all for reading. I used to browse this forum, never posted - until now.

[flaxcapacitor]

Sorry to see your post hasn't attracted any responses so far. This subforum seems a bit hidden away and underused.

Most of what you've written though, I feel I could have written myself. I experience similar feelings of hopelessness and wondering what is wrong with me. In a way, like me, you possibly feel as though you almost know what the problem is but can't quite put your finger on it. I think we both know that if we just believed we were a catch then women would start seeing us as one. However, I mean genuinely believe it, self-talk in the hope you'll eventually believe what you're telling yourself doesn't work and like you I struggle for reasons to believe I'm a catch.

Some people can experience things like cruel rejections, bullying or being teased for being undesirable early in life and be able to tell themselves none of it actually means you are undesirable. Other people are perhaps more suggestible and internalise it. Like you it just becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, first kiss at 21, first girlfriend and lost virginity at 27, then nothing apart from a brief 'friends with benefits' thing at 32, but now I'm 40 and have just described in one sentence my entire romantic history and when that's your life it really is difficult to genuinely believe that you are a catch.

It's difficult to talk about, sometimes people come across as judgemental and frustrated with you when they're trying to tell you you should just start beliving better of yourself.

I know it's easier said than done, when you feel as though all evidence points towards you being fundamentally undesirable, but try not to take the attitude that you just want a woman to settle for you out of pity or fear of loneliness.

[MeanMisterFlustered]

34 minutes ago, flaxcapacitor said:

Sorry to see your post hasn't attracted any responses so far. This subforum seems a bit hidden away and underused.

Most of what you've written though, I feel I could have written myself. I experience similar feelings of hopelessness and wondering what is wrong with me. In a way, like me, you possibly feel as though you almost know what the problem is but can't quite put your finger on it. I think we both know that if we just believed we were a catch then women would start seeing us as one. However, I mean genuinely believe it, self-talk in the hope you'll eventually believe what you're telling yourself doesn't work and like you I struggle for reasons to believe I'm a catch.

Some people can experience things like cruel rejections, bullying or being teased for being undesirable early in life and be able to tell themselves none of it actually means you are undesirable. Other people are perhaps more suggestible and internalise it. Like you it just becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, first kiss at 21, first girlfriend and lost virginity at 27, then nothing apart from a brief 'friends with benefits' thing at 32, but now I'm 40 and have just described in one sentence my entire romantic history and when that's your life it really is difficult to genuinely believe that you are a catch.

It's difficult to talk about, sometimes people come across as judgemental and frustrated with you when they're trying to tell you you should just start beliving better of yourself.

I know it's easier said than done, when you feel as though all evidence points towards you being fundamentally undesirable, but try not to take the attitude that you just want a woman to settle for you out of pity or fear of loneliness.

Thank you for responding and reaching out.

I’d like to think I’m capable, I’m a catch, I’m desirable, but like I said, believing in myself only goes so far if others don’t believe in me.

I seldom get opportunities, be it with romance or life in general, but I can shine and prove myself once I do get an opportunity.

 I know what it’s like to be bullied, teased or cruelly rejected, it’s a trauma that weighs on me, even if it was within the last 10 or 15 years. 

Although I ideally want a woman to genuinely love me, I really don’t want to leave this planet without getting married. If that means settling for me out of pity, lowering standards, doing so that I or she won’t be alone, I’ll take it. Forget about the right one, I’ll take almost anyone.

And the way I see it, we all do things in this life that we don’t want to do, why not do this? 

[flaxcapacitor]

On 1/12/2023 at 12:27 PM, MeanMisterFlustered said:

Thank you for responding and reaching out.

I’d like to think I’m capable, I’m a catch, I’m desirable, but like I said, believing in myself only goes so far if others don’t believe in me.

I seldom get opportunities, be it with romance or life in general, but I can shine and prove myself once I do get an opportunity.

 I know what it’s like to be bullied, teased or cruelly rejected, it’s a trauma that weighs on me, even if it was within the last 10 or 15 years. 

Although I ideally want a woman to genuinely love me, I really don’t want to leave this planet without getting married. If that means settling for me out of pity, lowering standards, doing so that I or she won’t be alone, I’ll take it. Forget about the right one, I’ll take almost anyone.

And the way I see it, we all do things in this life that we don’t want to do, why not do this? 

There's one of the differences between us, is that I'm not all that fussed about the institution of marriage, though I think it's a minor difference at the end of the day, we both want similar things relationship-wise.

Have you ever tried speed-dating? Is it an option where you are? I went to one once back in my 20s and am keen to go again. I'd have to travel to a city maybe an hour or so away though as there aren't many in my area and for the last few months I've been checking dates but then something always comes up. I'm at an awkward age too for the age-ranges set on the events. I'm 40 and the majority of the events have 39 as the upper age limit... unless I want to join some sort of senior's dating event but I'm no way no how ready to start calling myself a senior. New years' resolution, don't give up on that as an option.

There's no guarantee it will lead to anything, in fact it probably wont, but it does give you face-to-face contact which is much more fulfilling and helps a lot more than online dating in terms of charisma. I've only been on dates with three women in the past decade and the last time was maybe three or four years ago so I worry that will come across as lack of experience if and when I do get another date.

Edited January 13, 2023 by flaxcapacitor

[glows]

Why did it take one month to meet the person you last met on a dating app? Meet ups should be within a few days max, nothing more than a week from when you match. The first meet up is a meet and greet only - short, brief, one hour or so. 

You can’t really attract anyone hating life or feeling burnt out from your job. It’ll be written all over you and a turn off unfortunately. I wonder if you’re approaching your job burnt out the same way you approaching dating burnt out.

Are you stalling in your career? Why are you burnt out?

[Weezy1973]

Living in a rural are if the population is low is really tough on singles. There just aren’t enough other single people around. I live in a small town as well, and it’s basically older retired folks and married people with families. Young single folks head to the city. Is it possible to move? 

[MeanMisterFlustered]

4 hours ago, glows said:

Why did it take one month to meet the person you last met on a dating app? Meet ups should be within a few days max, nothing more than a week from when you match. The first meet up is a meet and greet only - short, brief, one hour or so. 

You can’t really attract anyone hating life or feeling burnt out from your job. It’ll be written all over you and a turn off unfortunately. I wonder if you’re approaching your job burnt out the same way you approaching dating burnt out.

Are you stalling in your career? Why are you burnt out?

Is this a rule? I’ve met somebody I matched with the same week and she broke it off on the date.

Meanwhile, the person that took a month to meet ended up being my second romantic partner, even if brief. We made out on my couch on the first date, spent the night in each other’s beds and spent 10 hours on Valentine’s Day together.

You tell me what you think I found to be more fulfilling.

I’m burned out as I don’t work a 9-5. My hours fluctuate and I’m busy most evenings. I work 45-50 hours, sometimes close to 69 hours in a week and I work six days, sometimes seven, many weeks a year.

So yeah, I’m burned out. I’m burned out with my job and sick of having to start over and trying to put myself out there with women. I’d like to meet my person and call it a day and just move on with my life.

 

 

[MeanMisterFlustered]

4 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Living in a rural are if the population is low is really tough on singles. There just aren’t enough other single people around. I live in a small town as well, and it’s basically older retired folks and married people with families. Young single folks head to the city. Is it possible to move? 

That’s what I’m looking to do, just need the timing to be right.

[glows]

Unfortunately you’re not an ideal candidate for dating if you don’t have enough time to date in the first place working those long hours and feeling burnt out.

People are generally going to see those as major blazing red flags and choose the next person who has more time to spare and is feeling much more motivated and happy (not burnt out and fed up with things). 

Edited January 13, 2023 by glows

[MeanMisterFlustered]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

Unfortunately you’re not an ideal candidate for dating if you don’t have enough time to date in the first place working those long hours and feeling burnt out.

People are generally going to see those as major blazing red flags and choose the next person who has more time to spare and is feeling much more motivated and happy (not burnt out and fed up with things). 

I am actually very motivated. I’m job and career-oriented and treat my job like the most important thing in the world to me. I push myself to the limits and maybe overextend myself to a fault.

But I also take a lot of pride in my work, want to be the best and am working right now on eating healthier, exercising and lifting.

[glows]

Glad to hear you’re motivated. All within reason and in balance with other things. How so overextending? This is leading to burn out so how can you change this?

Have you considered working elsewhere or rethinking how you can use those skills in your current career in a different way?

The issue is those long hours which I empathize with, having worked similar hours before. Perhaps you can meet someone in the same industry who understands you work evenings or long hours. 

[flaxcapacitor]

On 1/13/2023 at 7:45 PM, MeanMisterFlustered said:

Is this a rule? I’ve met somebody I matched with the same week and she broke it off on the date.

Meanwhile, the person that took a month to meet ended up being my second romantic partner, even if brief. We made out on my couch on the first date, spent the night in each other’s beds and spent 10 hours on Valentine’s Day together.

You tell me what you think I found to be more fulfilling

That's most likely just coincidence. The first person wasn't into you, the second person was. It's probably not a result of you taking a month and I wouldn't see it as a rule to now follow.

I'd presumed at first when you said it took a month that it was to do with you being in a rural area, and her being a ways away. That sometimes happens, first date from tinder I went on we were chatting for a few weeks, because she lived about an hours' drive away and it was just waiting for us both (well mainly her) to be able to meet.

[ZA Dater]

On 1/12/2023 at 1:47 PM, flaxcapacitor said:

Sorry to see your post hasn't attracted any responses so far. This subforum seems a bit hidden away and underused.

Most of what you've written though, I feel I could have written myself. I experience similar feelings of hopelessness and wondering what is wrong with me. In a way, like me, you possibly feel as though you almost know what the problem is but can't quite put your finger on it. I think we both know that if we just believed we were a catch then women would start seeing us as one. However, I mean genuinely believe it, self-talk in the hope you'll eventually believe what you're telling yourself doesn't work and like you I struggle for reasons to believe I'm a catch.

Some people can experience things like cruel rejections, bullying or being teased for being undesirable early in life and be able to tell themselves none of it actually means you are undesirable. Other people are perhaps more suggestible and internalise it. Like you it just becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, first kiss at 21, first girlfriend and lost virginity at 27, then nothing apart from a brief 'friends with benefits' thing at 32, but now I'm 40 and have just described in one sentence my entire romantic history and when that's your life it really is difficult to genuinely believe that you are a catch.

It's difficult to talk about, sometimes people come across as judgemental and frustrated with you when they're trying to tell you you should just start beliving better of yourself.

I know it's easier said than done, when you feel as though all evidence points towards you being fundamentally undesirable, but try not to take the attitude that you just want a woman to settle for you out of pity or fear of loneliness.

I can relate to all of this to lesser and greater degrees. 

Its an extremely tough situation to find oneself in, realistically there is always hope but its hard to see that in practice. In some ways I think the only way to really go about this is to try balance life or find something in life you can get lost in to take this feeling away but even then it may just be fleeting.

Being a pragmatist means a lack of hope is accompanied by a corresponding lack of success. and vice versa. Maybe something which makes it easier to live is to just own it, own the lack of success, own the lack of dates and simply wear that load as best you can which I think is what you mention above. 

By far the most useless resource I have found are so called friends who cannot relate to this feeling, they offer up all the advice but its so non specific to be totally irrelevant, again here you can choose how you approach this, laugh it off or let it get to you. 

Do not give up but re prioritize what you want in life, for example, I'd love to have the attention of someone who I find captivating but that is unlikely and improbable. I can work out and get fitter, that is more probable. I can cycle better, lift more weights, focus what you can control but I think the hurt of not being desired never truly goes away but you can try build a life around it.

The worst thing you can do is become stuck in this cycle of feeling hopeless and again you will feel it some days but you need to try fight this but its a challenge. People judge but realize few judge from any real position of authority, that guy on the corner may have that very attractive partner but that does not mean he is a better person.