She Broke it Off Suddenly After Sending Mixed Signals [UPDATE - trying to get her off my mind]

[helloladies21]

Hi. Thank you for reading in advance.

I'm a 44 year old male. I was married, but have been single for six years. Nothing bad to say about my ex-wife. Got over her a long time ago. I've dated frequently since. After having my share of fun, I've been looking for something substantial for the past few years. A few close calls, but nothing has stuck.

I matched online with a woman a month ago. She was 34, professional, and has three kids with two different men. We met a couple of weeks later and things went fast. After spending a weekend together in my city, I went to meet her kids. I got the impression she was serious about me, so I deleted my dating profile. By coincidence, she paused her profile as well. We were not bf/gf, but were not pursuing anyone else. The next night, we were talking on the phone about our dating history. She didn't have anything to say about her ex-husband, but said her ex-bf tried to kill her twice. She left him six years ago, but shares one of her children with him. She said she's had largely transient relationships with men ever since and doesn't develop feelings for them. She just buries herself in her work. She also said she doesn't get really happy anymore since her relationship with him. She also said a lot of them have cheated on her. I listened to her and at the end of it, told her it worries me that she may not be ready for something with me. She said she was, but I left that conversation with an uneasy feeling.

I went to visit her in her city later that week, and due to a snowstorm, was stuck there for a few days. We spent Christmas together and, even after the storm had passed, I spent a few more days there. I left this past Wednesday. The vibe was good at that point. We had sex shortly before I left. We had a lot of sex the entire time we were seeing each other.

She had an all-female get together later that evening and I had nothing planned. She asked what I was going to do a couple of times, and I told her to see how she felt afterward, and if she wanted, I would come see her. Later that day, I reconnected with a female friend of mine, who I have never had any romantic interest in. We agreed to go get a drink and catch up. We hung out for a few hours and left. I hadn't heard from the girl I was dating, so I left for home. As I was driving, she called and told me she wanted to see me. As I was making a U-turn, she asked what I had been up to. I told her I got a drink with an old female friend. She got very jealous. I told her it was completely platonic. She asked if I had ever done anything with her. I said no, she's like a sister to me. She said she wasn't comfortable with this and that she didn't want to do this anymore. I didn't like that she didn't trust me, so we disconnected the call. That's the last I've heard from her.

The next day, I set up my dating profile again and saw her on it. I made a decision at that point to let her go. I won't reach out to her ever again. It's been a difficult past few days. I'm very sad. I thought she would be easier to get over.

I've been thinking about this a lot over the past few days. Things seemed like they were heading towards a relationship between us. I planned to ask her to be my gf last night and was sure she'd say yes. It seemed like her emotions flipped so suddenly. My gut tells me that she used my meeting with my friend as a scapegoat for something else. I can't say for certain, but I think she was still interested in me, as in attracted to and liked me until the very end. I'm speculating that she isn't emotionally healed up enough from her ex's trauma to handle a relationship and the emotions that go along with one. If that's the case, it's too bad. I thought she was really good for me and we could have enjoyed each other.

I know I'll get over her. I don't think I would take her back if she reached out to me. Too dangerous. She likely needs lots of therapy. I dated a girl who had similar issues in the past and it wasn't good for me.

If anyone has anything to add, I'd appreciate it. Today has been the most difficult of all.

Edited January 9, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

She said she's had largely transient relationships with men ever since and doesn't develop feelings for them. She just buries herself in her work. She also said she doesn't get really happy anymore since her relationship with him. She also said a lot of them have cheated on her.

This shouldn't have left you feeling uneasy.....it should have been heeded as sign that she's not ready or able to be a stable loving partner.  

Lucky this only lasted for four weeks instead of after you'd gotten in deep

[helloladies21]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Lucky this only lasted for four weeks instead of after you'd gotten in deep

Yes I am lucky about that. But I will admit I did develop a certain level of feelings for her.

I know I'll never date her again. Even if she called and asked, I would say no. It doesn't make the sadness any easier to process.

[glows]

The positive part is that she broke it off without dragging this on or pretending she was ok with your female friend. She knew she wasn’t ok with it for whatever reason and decided it wasn’t for her.

My point is you can think she needs a lot of therapy but it sounds more to me like she has very clear boundaries. I wouldn’t project pity on to her or feel sorry for her to this extent. Just respect her wishes and let this one go. You both are not compatible.

[La.Primavera]

I don't know why this issue couldn't have been talked through after some time to cool off.  I mean, considering her past with men, I'm not surprised her mind went to the worst-case scenario.  Many women and men would have some sort of reaction to hearing the person they are seeing were out drinking a friend of the opposite sex.  Hers may have been more on the extreme side, but are you really surprised given her past? 

If you're not willing to deal with it, fine.  She is clearly going to need a partner willing to be patient and understanding that her trust is very fragile with men.   I just can't help but think this was a rushed decision in the heat of the moment that could have been discussed more without throwing everything away.  

I guess we will never know.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, helloladies21 said:

.I matched online with a woman a month ago.  

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately seems like a combination of not ready to date, too much too soon and  overlooking too many red flags.

That's ok. That's what dating is for. Especially after just 30 days dating, there was too much going on. Mentioning the drink with a friend thing to her was probably unnessary and maybe just the final straw in this unraveling.

[helloladies21]

17 hours ago, glows said:

The positive part is that she broke it off without dragging this on or pretending she was ok with your female friend. She knew she wasn’t ok with it for whatever reason and decided it wasn’t for her.

My point is you can think she needs a lot of therapy but it sounds more to me like she has very clear boundaries. I wouldn’t project pity on to her or feel sorry for her to this extent. Just respect her wishes and let this one go. You both are not compatible.

So would it be OK for her to have male friends and not be OK with me having female ones? Feels a bit hypocritical to me. And that's exactly what the case is here.

She's friends with men she's slept with and friends with guys who have crushes on her and who have asked her out and she rejected. I'm fine with it. If I think there's something else going on, I would call her out on it, but things can't be one sided like this.

[Alpacalia]

4 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

So would it be OK for her to have male friends and not be OK with me having female ones? Feels a bit hypocritical to me. And that's exactly what the case is here.

I would say that this is a valid response except that you reconnected with this female friend at the very last minute as opposed to someone you've been friends with.

Edited January 2, 2023 by Alpacalia

[helloladies21]

14 hours ago, La.Primavera said:

I don't know why this issue couldn't have been talked through after some time to cool off.  I mean, considering her past with men, I'm not surprised her mind went to the worst-case scenario.  Many women and men would have some sort of reaction to hearing the person they are seeing were out drinking a friend of the opposite sex.  Hers may have been more on the extreme side, but are you really surprised given her past? 

If you're not willing to deal with it, fine.  She is clearly going to need a partner willing to be patient and understanding that her trust is very fragile with men.   I just can't help but think this was a rushed decision in the heat of the moment that could have been discussed more without throwing everything away.  

I guess we will never know.

I would love to have talked to her about it. I'm not the one who hung up the phone. And I'm certainly not going to chase her after she broke things off, cancelled plans without letting me know, and jumped back on the dating app. I'm not some simp.

She's not wrong for reacting. She had questions and I explained the situation as best I could. She couldn't help herself but react in the moment. Unfortunately, she made a final decision, which precludes me from going any further.

[glows]

7 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

So would it be OK for her to have male friends and not be OK with me having female ones? Feels a bit hypocritical to me. And that's exactly what the case is here.

She's friends with men she's slept with and friends with guys who have crushes on her and who have asked her out and she rejected. I'm fine with it. If I think there's something else going on, I would call her out on it, but things can't be one sided like this.

Then count your blessings you saw her hypocrisy. That’s a character flaw but I wouldn’t spend the emotional energy feeling pity or overly sympathetic to her issues. Try not linger on this one as there are all kinds out there. You tried it & it didn’t work. Onto meeting others.

[helloladies21]

3 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I would say that this is a valid response except that you reconnected with this female friend at the very last minute as opposed to someone you've been friends with.

Well what are the rules when it comes to this? How long should I have been friends with her for it to be ok, and how long is too long for us to have been out of touch where I needed it to be cleared with the girl I was casually dating?

This all seems a bit arbitrary and illogical to me. I was ok with her being friends with someone she has already slept with. That is far more suspicious that me having a drink with someone who I have never had any romantic feelings for, am very good friends with, and saw just a few months prior and have been texting sporadically ever since. This argument makes no sense.

[helloladies21]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

Then count your blessings you saw her hypocrisy. That’s a character flaw but I wouldn’t spend the emotional energy feeling pity or overly sympathetic to her issues. Try not linger on this one as there are all kinds out there. You tried it & it didn’t work. Onto meeting others.

Trust me, I wish this was something I could turn off. But we are emotional creatures and this just happened. I'm responding to it and I cannot control where my mind goes.

[glows]

3 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

Trust me, I wish this was something I could turn off. But we are emotional creatures and this just happened. I'm responding to it and I cannot control where my mind goes.

Focus on other things. Most people feel pain and sadness or rejection in their lives. If we rolled along with it society would break down in mass chaos and hysteria. Have some discipline and work out a few other distractions so you’re able to function and also give your mind a break. Take up a sport or game, learn a new language conversationally. Pick up an instrument. That’s what I mean. Not going over and over what failed hoping it goes away. It’s not going to go away if you keep dwelling on it.

Edited January 2, 2023 by glows

[Lotsgoingon]

She didn't have anything to say about her ex-husband, but said her ex-bf tried to kill her twice. She left him six years ago, but shares one of her children with him. She said she's had largely transient relationships with men ever since and doesn't develop feelings for them. 

Hold on brother: her ex who is father of one of her children tried to KILL HER? Dude, did you pay attention to that? That's a red flag. You might lower the flag, but only after finding out a lot more. How do you know he's not a jealous possessive type who would put you in his crosshairs? Answer: you don't and you can't this early.

On first listen, the best assumption is she might attracted to destructive guys. Hello, you awake here?

And then "largely transient relationships" and "doesn't develop feelings." So your thinking is she's going flip a switch and boom, she will develop real feelings for you?  A relative of mine (male) called this "don't think you're special" warning. Someone treats others like dirt but for the moment  treats us ok. Don't assume we're special. Keep some distance. There's a very good chance the person will eventually treat us like dirt. Why are we so special?

Hello, I can't even get to mixed messages and confused communication, because this is all a NO from the start.

 

[salparadise]

Basically everything you shared about this woman was a huge red flag. You're obviously no dummy, so I can't understand why you expected this to develop into a real relationship. It's tempting to take these red flags and describe the significance one at a time, but you already know (as does everyone) that this was a volatile, unstable situation. If it hadn't been meeting up with your female friend it would've been something else... and feel certain it would've happened within days, not months or years. This just deserves a smile and a shoulder shrug.

So one thing I want you to clarify –– you went to visit after having met online quite recently, to meet her kids, and stayed through Christmas having a lot of sex with her kids present? This wasn't even one of the things you cited as being strange, but I think it's really strange in several ways. Did you not deem this to be unusual and inappropriate? So you're the guy who banged mamma throughout Christmas, and then you're gone, never to be seen again. I wonder how many men these kids have seen come and sleep with mamma a few days and disappear? 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, helloladies21 said:

Well what are the rules when it comes to this? How long should I have been friends with her for it to be ok, and how long is too long for us to have been out of touch where I needed it to be cleared with the girl I was casually dating?

This all seems a bit arbitrary and illogical to me. I was ok with her being friends with someone she has already slept with. That is far more suspicious that me having a drink with someone who I have never had any romantic feelings for, am very good friends with, and saw just a few months prior and have been texting sporadically ever since. This argument makes no sense.

Yes. What you're saying makes absolute sense. From her perspective and her history, reconnecting with a female friend on a night that she's out with her female friends caused anxiety and feelings of apprehension or uneasiness.

In any event, you're not responsible for creating mistrustful feelings on her end.

[helloladies21]

  

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You're obviously no dummy, so I can't understand why you expected this to develop into a real relationship.

Because she seemed very into me. It was difficult to tell in the moment that this is likely her standard operating procedure. She was also very pretty and we had good chemistry together. It can cause me to see things without such a critical eye.

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If it hadn't been meeting up with your female friend it would've been something else... and feel certain it would've happened within days, not months or years.

I am certain you are correct.

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This just deserves a smile and a shoulder shrug.

I am slowly getting to this point.

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So one thing I want you to clarify –– you went to visit after having met online quite recently, to meet her kids, and stayed through Christmas having a lot of sex with her kids present? This wasn't even one of the things you cited as being strange, but I think it's really strange in several ways. Did you not deem this to be unusual and inappropriate? So you're the guy who banged mamma throughout Christmas, and then you're gone, never to be seen again. I wonder how many men these kids have seen come and sleep with mamma a few days and disappear?

It certainly was strange. Although I have no kids of my own, it's not the way I would have acted. But they are her kids not mine. She was the one to set the boundaries regarding them. It is unfortunate. I was starting to bond with her youngest. She was a sweet girl. I had every intention of continuing the interaction with all of them. I didn't end this.

And I am sure I was not the only one. I don't believe I was special to her. Maybe just for a fleeting moment, but that's over now.

 

I was sad for most of today, then I got a bit upset at her after dinnertime for drawing me in and wasting my time/hurting my feelings. Then about an hour and a half ago, starting to come to terms that we will never speak again. I won't be contacting her again, and she likely won't be contacting me either. It's onto the next one for her.

[La.Primavera]

5 hours ago, helloladies21 said:

I would love to have talked to her about it. I'm not the one who hung up the phone. And I'm certainly not going to chase her after she broke things off, cancelled plans without letting me know, and jumped back on the dating app. I'm not some simp.

She's not wrong for reacting. She had questions and I explained the situation as best I could. She couldn't help herself but react in the moment. Unfortunately, she made a final decision, which precludes me from going any further.

You only know that because you did exactly the same thing jumping back on the app.  She made a rash decision in the heat of the moment.  I don't think you would be a fool for trying to work things out or at least try to have another conversation with her.  This didn't need to be a reason for a breakup in my opinion.

Clearly, I'm in the minority here though.  It sounds like a lot of people see her as being nothing more than a walking, talking red flag.  Perhaps they're right?  Maybe she is just too damaged to be with anyone.  She might hang up on you again.  She may have even blocked you by now, but you won't know unless you try.  You did say you still think about her so obviously you do care, at least a little?  I'm just pointing it out there may still be a chance to work through this.

The world is full of complicated people.  Some are worth the trouble, some aren't.  Some find it easy, while others need more patience and time to trust.   Again, I think it comes back to how much you care about her and want to invest in this.

[helloladies21]

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You only know that because you did exactly the same thing jumping back on the app.

I only created a new account to see if she was on it again. I deleted it right afterward.

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I don't think you would be a fool for trying to work things out or at least try to have another conversation with her. This didn't need to be a reason for a breakup in my opinion.

I certainly agree that this wasn't break up worthy, but I'm not the dumper. I was on the receiving end of it. I'm not above having another conversation with her, but I'm still pretty hurt by all of this. Too hurt to reach out to her at the moment. Plus, I do feel like it's her place to right the wrong she created. How you rekindle things can be just as important as whether things get rekindled. I'm not looking to get from A to B if it leads in a dead end. I'm looking to get from A to Z, even if there's risk involved. At this time, I feel like I need to give her the time to see the error of her ways. There would be value in that.

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Clearly, I'm in the minority here though.  It sounds like a lot of people see her as being nothing more than a walking, talking red flag.  Perhaps they're right?  Maybe she is just too damaged to be with anyone.  She might hang up on you again.  She may have even blocked you by now, but you won't know unless you try. 

I do appreciate your take on this. I have to hear the other side to the chorus of boos everyone is throwing her way. They do give me strength in this time that I have been weakened. Trust me; I do realize that they may be overly harsh in this moment.

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You did say you still think about her so obviously you do care, at least a little?  I'm just pointing it out there may still be a chance to work through this.

I care about her a lot. Otherwise this thread would not exist.

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Again, I think it comes back to how much you care about her and want to invest in this.

I care about her more than I have for anyone in a little while. As far as how much I want to invest in this, that's not so high at the moment. She has hurt me and this proves that she has the capability to do it again.

You words have value and have persuaded me this far: I won't make any final decisions for the time being. Just as it was wrong for her to make a rash decision in the moment, it would be a bad idea for me to do the same. I'm going to just let myself calm down for the time being. I need time to heal. I have a date set up on Wednesday. I need to remind myself that there are others out there. This will take the pressure off of the situation.

[Acacia98]

I don't know if anyone else has mentioned this, but I can't move beyond the fact that her ex almost killed her BUT she introduced you to her kids after what sounds like only one meeting?

She had that harrowing experience with her ex that should rightly cause her to be more cautious with men. But instead of her idea of caution entailing being very careful with men before opening up her private life to them and bringing them into her kids' world, it's ending things with you because you had drinks with a female friend. And she also admitted to having a history of largely transient relationships with men, but still decided to introduce you to her kids? She has her priorities all wrong. And you need to care about that because: 1) she's involving you in actions that will harm her kids in the long term and 2) someone who makes bad choices where her kids are concerned is not wired to have a healthy relationship.

If there's anything I have learned from my limited experience dating men with kids and from observing others date people with kids, it's that you shouldn't waste your time with someone who does not look after the best interest of their kids.

It really is for the best that this thing between you two ended. 

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, helloladies21 said:

It was difficult to tell in the moment that this is likely her standard operating procedure. 

Actually, you already knew that this was her SOP: she literally told you that she has largely transient relationships with men and doesn't develop feelings for them. When someone tells you something like that, they are giving you insight into what your experience with them will be like. I'm pretty sure if she'd told you, "I have cheated on almost every man I have dated since that terrible experience," you would have taken that very seriously. Why should this be any different?

[JTSW]

On 1/2/2023 at 2:29 AM, helloladies21 said:

She also said a lot of them have cheated on her.

You haven't taken this into consideration.

She's vulnerable, been hurt allot.

You need to understand how it looked to her that you went out with another woman (platonic or not).

She definitely cared about you because she let you meet her children. 

Then you jumped straight back on to your dating profile.

You conveyed all the wrong messages here.

[helloladies21]

7 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

If there's anything I have learned from my limited experience dating men with kids and from observing others date people with kids, it's that you shouldn't waste your time with someone who does not look after the best interest of their kids.

I haven't noticed the same correlation in my dating. I have dated some women who introduced me to their kids early on. I wouldn't say they were a waste of time. It didn't impact the situation.

[helloladies21]

7 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Actually, you already knew that this was her SOP: she literally told you that she has largely transient relationships with men and doesn't develop feelings for them. When someone tells you something like that, they are giving you insight into what your experience with them will be like. I'm pretty sure if she'd told you, "I have cheated on almost every man I have dated since that terrible experience," you would have taken that very seriously. Why should this be any different?

This is where the mixed signals come into play. She was very into me. Touchy feely. Cooked for me. We went from shop to shop on Christmas trying to find me a present they were sold out for. It felt really good. I'm highlighting the negative stuff to make sure I don't overlook it.

I did think I might be different based on the way she was treating me. It didn't feel like she was disengaged.

Edited January 3, 2023 by helloladies21

[helloladies21]

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You haven't taken this into consideration.

She's vulnerable, been hurt allot.

You need to understand how it looked to her that you went out with another woman (platonic or not).

I certainly did take this info consideration. That's why I did my best to explain as thoroughly as I could in the few moments I had that she was just a friend and that's all she ever would be. She didn't believe me.

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She definitely cared about you because she let you meet her children.

This is what I assumed, but I don't think I am the only one she has let them meet so quickly.

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Then you jumped straight back on to your dating profile.

No. I only went back on to see if she was on there. Then I deleted it immediately afterward. Don't make me out to be some player.

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You conveyed all the wrong messages here.

What, that I cared about her? I had every good intention and did nothing wrong. My friend was just a friend.