She Broke it Off Suddenly After Sending Mixed Signals [UPDATE - trying to get her off my mind]

[Lotsgoingon]

Mixed signals. Lots of psychopaths and just immature people, jerks, mean people--lots of them can be charming as heck at the start of things. 

You're 44? You got to learn this by now. One clue is that these people are often too charming. Things feel too good too soon. It's because they are acting the role of an interested person. They're acting the role of someone with genuine charm. There is a fine line in that the fake charmers (who are acting) almost immediately are nice and warm. They treat you like they've know you their entire life. Red flag that a game is being played. 

The real warm and charming people (who can sustain things and like and love other people) may seem to move quickly with the right person, but they will take small steps. And you can almost see them thinking and calculating at each step because they are assessing you and the risk of closeness with you given that they don't really know you.  So with genuine people, you will feel why they like you, not just that they like you. 

With people like this woman, you are just a random being that crossed her path. She could treat 80 percent of the people she meets like she treets you. You want to be able to recognize that. 

Hearing about the ex bf (father of one of her kids) who threatened to kill her twice should have disrupted all of this illusion for you. 

I won't be contacting her again, and she likely won't be contacting me either. It's onto the next one for her. You say this as if you're hurt or used. Dude, you dodged a bullet and not by any wisdom on your part. Heck you dodged a barrage of artillery. There is only chaos with this woman. .You want to be out celebrating--breathing that deep sigh of relief but only after you do an after-action report where you figure out how to more quickly identify fake charm. 

You want to learn the skill of feeling attracted and yet listening so that your rational brain throw up the caution rails. There was more than enough data for your logical brain to scream danger. 

 

Edited January 3, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Beachead]

@helloladies21

OP,

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..has three kids with two different men. 

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ex-bf tried to kill her twice. She left him six years ago, but shares one of her children with him. She said she's had largely transient relationships with men ever since and doesn't develop feelings for them. She just buries herself in her work. She also said she doesn't get really happy anymore since her relationship with him. She also said a lot of them have cheated on her.

The conversation you both had should have resolved the misunderstanding but this woman has been heavily damaged by past men.   It's likely she is heavily guarded and regards every subsequent man she meets with a skepticism to protect herself.

You knew this so I think it was a bad call on your part to go out with a female friend for drinks; a pasttime that one generally does on a date and in which the average person in her position would feel some kind of way about it.   Moreover, a lot of people abuse the term "Friendship" with the opposite sex to obscure ulterior motives.   It's about what it looks like, not what it actually is.   Although this wasn't what you were actually doing, with this woman's fractured background, especially with being cheated on, it wouldn't have mattered.  Clearly it didn't, as she immediately red-flagged you out of her life.   

Regardless, I believe her admitting to having transient relationships and feeling nothing suggests she probably would have protected herself out of a relationship with you anyway.  She has a lot to sort out and I think she did you a favor.  You'll meet someone who's better for you.

Don't contact her.  Remove her online presence out of your life.  Get her out of sight, out of mind.  You will heal with some time and will be back on your feet again.

Stay strong

- Feather

Edited January 3, 2023 by MisterFeather

[shellzbellz83]

I would say you've dodged a bullet. A mother of 3 spending the entire Christmas holiday having sex with a man she has known for a few weeks -- rather than quality time with her children -- is an enormous red flag, IMO.

Edited January 3, 2023 by shellzbellz83

[helloladies21]

 

Thank you for your insightful post.

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The conversation you both had should have resolved the misunderstanding but this woman has been heavily damaged by past men.   It's likely she is heavily guarded and regards every subsequent man she meets with a skepticism to protect herself.

You knew this

You are very astute. I did know this. I'm sorry to you all, but my mind has been in a blender since this happened. But if I am to be honest with you fine folks, I can go back to the moment I received word from my female friend that she wanted to meet up, I knew my interest would likely say something about it, i.e., it would generate an argument. I went ahead with it anyway, purposefully. Not because I wanted to hurt her, or because I wanted out but because I wanted to find out how damaged she was. Was she so fragile and broken that any perceived misstep would cause her to run away? Even if there was nothing to base it on except her previous experiences? I asked her if she felt ready for something. She said yes, but I felt otherwise. I needed an honest answer to my question.

Dealbreaker qualities for me in dating are strength and loyalty. Will you be there for me when things get tough, or will you duck your head in the sand and run away?

I would have loved to give her time to develop trust in me, but what if that trust never develops? How long can I invest in someone before I find out? Months? Years? And will I have to tiptoe around certain issues in the meantime? How uncomfortable would that be for me? I've tried it. I feel like I'm living a lie in that scenario. I can't handle it. I have to be me.

The truth is that none of us know how long we have on this earth and we can't spend it waiting for people to become who we want them to be. I accept people for who they are. I'm not trying to change anyone.

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Regardless, I believe her admitting to having transient relationships and feeling nothing suggests she probably would have protected herself out of a relationship with you anyway.

I believe this too. Something would have eventually happened and she would be gone. There was nothing I could have done to change that.

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Don't contact her.  Remove her online presence out of your life.  Get her out of sight, out of mind.  You will heal with some time and will be back on your feet again.

I did that. The next day I unfriended her on FB and Snapchat and unfollowed her on Instagram. I deleted her number. I don't check her profile. I've been through No Contact before and know how it should be done.

Two days ago, I found her belt lodged in between the cushions of my couch. I mailed it back to her. That's the last action I will take regarding her. I won't contact her again.

I have a date set up with someone tomorrow night. We'll see how it goes. I'll probably set something up for this weekend as well. Best to get my mind off of her as soon as I can.

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Stay strong

Thank you.

[salparadise]

4 hours ago, helloladies21 said:

I would have loved to give her time to develop trust in me, but what if that trust never develops? How long can I invest in someone before I find out? Months? Years? And will I have to tiptoe around certain issues in the meantime? How uncomfortable would that be for me? I've tried it. I feel like I'm living a lie in that scenario. I can't handle it. I have to be me.

One more thing to add to your long list of lessons learned from this episode... You cannot fix'em. Her issues are intrinsic, part of her core personality. You speak as though you think all of this came from that one bad relationship, and all she needs is a good and patient man to turn it around. Nope. For starters, that relationship was more likely effect than cause. We've got enough data now that I feel confident in saying that her issues stem from instability in her childhood and parenting, and perhaps some genetic predisposition. I have some experience in a mental health capacity, and the pattern is not unfamiliar. I have all the compassion in the world for the broken people, but  the choices we make for intimate partners are [should be] separate from that.

What we should be focusing on is why YOU were susceptible, as opposed to sensing it immediately and knowing that it was a disaster looking for a place to explode. Okay, we all get sex can be a powerful attraction, but still... you can have a romp and still see the signs and understand that this is one and done. And sometimes the most inappropriate people can be alluring that way. But what you need to focus on is that fact that if she hadn't blown up and cut it off you'd still be trying to fix her. So turn all of this curiosity inward and see if you can figure out why you don't feel you deserve an amazing woman who is normal and healthy, and ready to engage in an enjoyable, sustainable relationship. 

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, helloladies21 said:

But if I am to be honest with you fine folks, I can go back to the moment I received word from my female friend that she wanted to meet up, I knew my interest would likely say something about it, i.e., it would generate an argument. I went ahead with it anyway, purposefully. Not because I wanted to hurt her, or because I wanted out but because I wanted to find out how damaged she was.

So you tested her, essentially?

I'm not sure why you designed it as some sort of test. If you had concerns about her mental state that was not the way to go about it.

Especially considering your awareness of her past relationship history.

 

[basil67]

5 hours ago, helloladies21 said:

I knew my interest would likely say something about it, i.e., it would generate an argument. I went ahead with it anyway, purposefully. Not because I wanted to hurt her, or because I wanted out but because I wanted to find out how damaged she was. Was she so fragile and broken that any perceived misstep would cause her to run away? Even if there was nothing to base it on except her previous experiences? I asked her if she felt ready for something. She said yes, but I felt otherwise. I needed an honest answer to my question.

Wait...what?   You deliberately antagonised a woman who already had baggage?  That is so mean!  

If a woman is honest about having issues and you choose to move forward anyway, it should be with particular gentleness.   Conversely, if you see the baggage as a red flag, then thank her for her time and move on. 

[helloladies21]

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You speak as though you think all of this came from that one bad relationship, and all she needs is a good and patient man to turn it around.

You're completely off base. This is not what I believe. As I said in a previous post, I accept people for who they are. I'm not trying to change anyone.

I am not concerned with the cause and I was not trying to be the solution. I just wanted an accurate picture of who she was, where she was at, and how she felt before I made any decisions.

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What we should be focusing on is why YOU were susceptible, as opposed to sensing it immediately and knowing that it was a disaster looking for a place to explode.

I would disagree with your characterization. I had one interaction with one woman that lasted for less than two weeks. Painting this out to be a chronic condition based on one example of such short duration is assuming a lot and using flawed logic. I'm comfortable with giving people a bit of a chance and obtaining more evidence before making judgments about them. I'm not going to hold myself to the standard of determining this right away. Nobody's that perfect. If you feel like you are, feel free to revel in your own glory.

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But what you need to focus on is that fact that if she hadn't blown up and cut it off you'd still be trying to fix her.

This is silly. I was never trying to fix her. She told me she was ready. I didn't fully believe her. I wanted to get more evidence. I was never trying to fix her.

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So turn all of this curiosity inward and see if you can figure out why you don't feel you deserve an amazing woman who is normal and healthy, and ready to engage in an enjoyable, sustainable relationship.

Lol I do believe I deserve that. That's why I led everything down this path and have made a decision to move on.

Edited January 4, 2023 by helloladies21

[helloladies21]

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I'm not sure why you designed it as some sort of test.

I wouldn't say I designed this test. An opportunity to test her spontaneously arose and I took advantage of it.

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If you had concerns about her mental state that was not the way to go about it.

Maybe I should have had a talk with her about it? Except I did that. And I got an answer from her that I sensed was not accurate and I turned out to be correct.

So then maybe I should have talked to her about it again, like she wasn't being honest with me/herself? I'm sure that wouldn't have just aggravated her and caused an argument. And I'm not her therapist. I just wanted to know the truth about where she was at.

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Especially considering your awareness of her past relationship history.

Hey, she told me she was good. What was I supposed to do? Call her a liar to her face? Just assume she wasn't good and walk away? I got conflicting information from her. I wanted to sort it out. I figured it out very quickly and we can now both move on. I see nothing immoral about what I did.

Edited January 4, 2023 by helloladies21

[helloladies21]

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Wait...what?   You deliberately antagonised a woman who already had baggage?  That is so mean!  

A woman who told me she was ok when I bought up this specific issue. Don't tell me you're over your baggage when you still have baggage. If you give me a mixed signal, I'm going to get to the bottom of it.

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If a woman is honest about having issues and you choose to move forward anyway, it should be with particular gentleness. Conversely, if you see the baggage as a red flag, then thank her for her time and move on.

It's like everyone wants to keep ignoring the fact that we had a conversation about it a week prior. She said she was good! I'm not a mind reader. Don't pretend like any of you are.

Whether or not it was intentional, I was being misled. I sensed it and wanted to get more evidence. Feel free to propose specific ways for me to do that other than what I did and I will gladly consider them, but I don't see any.

When you try to date and you're not ready, you run the risk of getting hurt and hurting other people. I didn't set things up to be like this. It's the way of the world.

Edited January 4, 2023 by helloladies21

[Alpacalia]

34 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

I wouldn't say I designed this test. An opportunity to test her spontaneously arose and I took advantage of it.

Maybe I should have had a talk with her about it? Except I did that. And I got an answer from her that I sensed was not accurate and I turned out to be correct.

So then maybe I should have talked to her about it again, like she wasn't being honest with me/herself? I'm sure that wouldn't have just aggravated her and caused an argument. And I'm not her therapist. I just wanted to know the truth about where she was at.

Hey, she told me she was good. What was I supposed to do? Call her a liar to her face? Just assume she wasn't good and walk away? I got conflicting information from her. I wanted to sort it out. I figured it out very quickly and we can now both move on. I see nothing immoral about what I did.

It was a test.

Her prior relationship history was already known to you.

I think that was a jerk move on your part to do that, which ultimately did a lot of damage to both yourself and your relationship with her. Ideally, you would have analyzed how your relationship progressed and communicated any concerns you had, or ended the relationship if those concerns were valid.

It is not okay for someone with very real trust issues to take advantage of a test as a way to test their emotional state, when they have very real trust issues of their own.

[helloladies21]

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It was a test.

I didn't say it wasn't a test. I said I didn't design it. It spontaneously arose. I didn't somehow compel my female friend to suggest we have a drink together. It's something we have done many times before and something she suggested on her own.

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Her prior relationship history was already known to you.

Yes as well as her statement, when I questioned her on her fitness to be involved with someone, was a resounding "I'm ready". Don't ignore key facts.

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Ideally, you would have analyzed how your relationship progressed and communicated any concerns you had

And that's exactly what I did. And she gave me her answer. What was I supposed to do, keep bringing it up and expect her to say something different? Stop cherry picking parts of my story to fit your narrative that I did something wrong.

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It is not okay for someone with very real trust issues to take advantage of a test as a way to test their emotional state, when they have very real trust issues of their own.

Since when do I have trust issues? I'm open and ready. She was the only one with trust issues.

[ ]  If I would have said "I sensed she was not ready and broke it off", you would have been like "Oh you should have been patient with her and given her a chance." [ ] 

Edited January 6, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[Alpacalia]

On 1/4/2023 at 1:27 PM, helloladies21 said:

I didn't say it wasn't a test. I said I didn't design it. It spontaneously arose. I didn't somehow compel my female friend to suggest we have a drink together. It's something we have done many times before and something she suggested on her own.

Yes as well as her statement, when I questioned her on her fitness to be involved with someone, was a resounding "I'm ready". Don't ignore key facts.

And that's exactly what I did. And she gave me her answer. What was I supposed to do, keep bringing it up and expect her to say something different? Stop cherry picking parts of my story to fit your narrative that I did something wrong.

Since when do I have trust issues? I'm open and ready. She was the only one with trust issues.

[ ] 

No.

I said it's not of any benefit to puposely test someone. Especially someone with a traumatic past.

You sabotaged yourself.

 

 

 

Edited January 6, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility in quote

[MsJayne]

I'm interested to know the type of relationship you have with the woman you had drinks with.  You say you "reconnected" with her,  and I'm wondering why you chose that moment, just as you've met someone you think you might be a keeper,  to "reconnect" with another woman who doesn't sound that important to you.  It's irrelevant that you've never had any sexual interest in this woman, the problem is that you had just started something potentially great with a woman who'd been honest about her state of mind and history as far as relationships go, has been abused and cheated on, and you decided to go out for drinks with another woman and announce it.  You have to understand that an abusive relationship often starts out with little mind games, and for her the fact that you went out with another woman would come across as a massive red flag when you had told her you weren't doing anything that night and to call you if she wanted you to come over. When she told you she was good to date again and ready for a relationship, she probably wasn't lying.  What she's not ready for is dating someone who says one thing and then does another. I know your response to that is going to be , "But I shouldn't have to report to someone I've just met or pussyfoot around their sensitivities", and you're right, except when you know the new person might just be the person you're looking for, then you behave just as you would if you were in committed relationship with them. The early stages of a relationship are crucial for building the trust and respect that lead to commitment. I think you should have put Miss Reconnection on hold for the moment until you were on more solid ground with the new woman, either that or just not even mentioned it because it was inconsequential, it was way too soon to spring the old, "Oh, I've just been out for a couple of drinks with another woman" on her.  Clearly she's on your mind, and that's because you liked her a lot, so I say you should contact her, apologise for being a bit insensitive, and give her the opportunity to apologise for assuming you're a player.  You have every right to not be impressed that she keeps contact with guys she's had brief relationships with, and she has every right to be suspicious of behaviours that, in her past, have been a precursor to a partner cheating. Cut her some slack, you may find that if you're big enough to just say, "Hey, that was a bit dumb of me after everything you told me, I'm sorry," she'll respond with, "I'm sorry too, I had no right to be so possessive, especially five minutes after I met you."  It could open the door to the discussion which will clarify what each of you want and expect from a relationship and whether or not you're actually compatible. 

[helloladies21]

I started dating a woman a few weeks ago. It went fast. We were very into each other. But one night a week into it, we were talking about our previous relationships, and she told me about a relationship she ended six years prior, which was very physically abusive. He's the father of one of their kids, so they still have contact. She said she's not able to feel true happiness because of her experience and has largely transient relationships with men. She buries herself in her work.

This obviously threw up massive red flags for me. I told her I was worried that she wasn't going to be able to fully connect with me as a result of it. At first, she accused me of judging her. I told her that wasn't the case. She dismissed it and said she's OK. I left that conversation feeling uneasy. I almost broke it off with her in the moment. I certainly had a pang in my stomach to do so. But I cared about her and wanted to give her a chance.

We dated for a few more days, but I could tell her demeanor was shifting slightly. Still into me, but nitpicked at me a few times. I addressed it, and we kept having great sex, but I still felt like something was off. I've dated a women with this type of emotional baggage/trauma before. The same thing happened then.

A female friend reached out to me to hang out one night. She has always been just a friend and always will be. I have no romantic feelings towards her. And I have never cheated and will never cheat. I wasn't even exclusive with my romantic interest. So I got an invitation to hang out with my female friend at the last minute one evening. I knew that my romantic interest would have an issue with it, even though she has male friends, including men she's slept with and guys that have crushes on her that she's turned down. I said yes knowing this would start an argument or something similar. I wanted to see just how broken, fragile, and jaded she was. Even though she told me otherwise, I could tell she is emotionally scarred. We had a drink at a bar. After we were done, I got a call from my dating interest. Red flags went up for her and she very quickly ended things with me. I barely had a chance to defend myself. I haven't heard from her since and don't expect to.

I don't have any regrets about what I did.[ ] Even if it was being unintentional, I was being misled. I didn't want to get closer to someone who wasn't going to reciprocate my feelings the same way I would express them to her. It would be too hard on me. I had to find out for certain what she would do when things got tough. She said she was good. She clearly was not.

She immediately went back on the dating app. To her, I was just another guy who was going to cheat on her. She'll forget about me. It's better than her being hung up on me. I'll be the dumpee even though I'm the one who essentially baited her into it. To me, she was someone who I had insane chemistry with. I was very serious about her and saw a lot of potential. I date a lot and it's hard for me to find that in a woman. She's proving to be a lot harder to get over than I though. I'm so sad. I cared about her a lot. I know I'll get over her eventually.

Thank you for reading.

Edited January 6, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
gatekeeping

[Alpacalia]

Sorry you're hurting.

You are looking for a relationship where the other person puts in a similar amount of effort in and with communicating. This puts the ball in her court. When her behavior continues to not meet your needs, you’ve at least given her a chance to correct it before you move on.

Being direct is always better than being indirect. Testing to see how jaded she is punished the person employing it, YOU, and isn't fair to her.

If you don’t like that she isn’t reciprocating your interest, let her know that what she's doing isn’t working for you and end it.

 

 

 

[Weezy1973]

Honestly that whole post is way too long for someone you weren’t exclusive with for quite a short period of time. Why are you so emotionally invested in someone after such a short period of time? That’s something worth exploring. 

[helloladies21]

I believe I've noticed a trend in my recent dating. People would never consider me a pushover or doormat, but I'm not willing to call out red flags/tests strongly enough, or at all, with girls I'm romantically serious about. This is something I used to do well, but it seems like I've softened up over time and become a bit too reasonable.

With my recent romantic interest, she had dated a guy who she was still friends with. I didn't meet him in the few weeks we were involved. She said she had no feelings for him, even while they were dating. Not too long before she broke things off with me, she was showing me some of her photography. She mentioned that she would like an expensive lens for a trip she was going on next month. She made mention that she wanted to get this guy to buy it for her. This bothered me. Even though we weren't exclusive, I felt jealous in the moment. I should have said something and called her out on it. I remained silent. I regret this. I should have said something. How would she feel if I got some girl, even just a platonic friend, to buy me something? She wouldn't. I have to keep my mind on actively exposing the hypocrisy. I think this contributed to her breaking things off with me so easily over nothing.

In 2021, I dated a girl who was still in contact with her abusive ex. She gave me the impression that she was trying to break it off with him. She told me, one week in, that she was still in love with him. I told her that I like her, and we can continue to see each other casually, we could never be exclusive until she cut him out of his life. I'll be honest, I regret this as well. I should have broken things off permanently in that moment. That's a big deal and my response was too soft. I don't think it would have impacted the overall outcome of her staying with him, but it would have saved me time and additional heartache. She deserved to be called out over dating me while having feelings for someone else.

In 2018, I was in a relationship with a girl for a couple of months. We were at dinner one night, and I brough up her emotional baggage. Her ex-husband left her for her best friend three years ago. I told her the only way we were going to be able to give this a real chance is if she got over it. She said she couldn't just get over it. I didn't say anything after that. Looking back, I should have ended things then and there. At the very least, made a bigger deal out of it. If a girl is emotionally unavailable because she's hung up on her past, she's not going to be able to be fully connect with me.

I will call my interest out on other things. For my recent interest, I called her out on snapping at me. I just need to be a little more aware of it, especially when it comes to other guys being in the picture.

[helloladies21]

I've noticed that I'm glorifying my recent romantic interest. This is making it harder to get over her. Although it may seem juvenile, I'm going to write down all the negative things I noticed about her until she ended things. I want to be able to refer back to this when I have to:

She wasn't over the baggage from her abusive ex.

I feel bad for her about this, but it would have prevented her from ever properly bonding with me. She's had transient relationships ever since leaving her abusive ex six years ago. I deserve someone who can care about me the same way I care about her.

She was very pretty, but she wasn't the prettiest girl I've ever dated.

I've been with many women in my life and some of them have been quite attractive. I have to keep in mind that I got her, and better. I can do it again.

She introduced me to her kids immediately after we spent our first weekend together.

I don't have kids. She has three. The chemistry our first weekend was off the charts, but she had me take them all to go see a movie the next day on Monday. I'm not a judgmental person, but this seemed off to me. We didn't even know each other yet. She made some comment about they'll just have to learn how to handle it. Was this her way of roping me in, by getting me to bond with her kids? Is she just a bad parent? I still don't like it.

She started showing me she can be [rude]

After we had been seeing each other for a week, she snapped at me a couple of times. I addressed it and told her it felt like she was becoming a little too comfortable with me and that the quickest way to lose my interest was to take me for granted. She said it's not something she's used to doing, since her relationships have been largely transient the past six years and she hasn't had anyone call her out on it. It still came out from time-to-time after that.

She worked too much.

Even though it was her week off, she still went in a couple of days. She was always preoccupied with work, too. She said she dove into her work after leaving her abusive ex. I think she even realized that it was an unhealthy coping mechanism.

She had all these other guys in her life.

She was still friends with this ex of hers, who I didn't have a chance to meet. She talked about him a little too much. She said how she didn't have feelings for him, even when they were together. She also said how he would buy her stuff, just as a friend. That's bologna. She even mentioned that she wanted to have him buy her an expensive camera lens. She would not have been OK with it if the roles were reversed. Even more hypocritical that she broke things off with me for having a drink with one of my best friends who happens to be a girl. We have never had anything romantic with each other and never will. I see her as a friend.

She broke things off without even giving me a full chance to defend myself.

She projected her baggage from getting cheated on my lots of guys onto me. I didn't deserve that. I've never cheated on anyone and will never. And it all happened so fast. I didn't even have a chance to address all of her concerns before she took off. To her, I was the next guy who was going to cheat on her.

 

I hate that I'm still thinking about this girl a week and a half later. I just want her out of my mind.

Edited January 9, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
gendered insult

[Ami1uwant]

Red flags are not having opposite sex friends……

[BrinnM]

1.5 weeks is not that long. You’ll have to take your time to get over her. But I like your list. It will help you look at the situation more objectively, if you read through it a few more times. The fact that she introduced her kids that early is a red flag for sure. Sorry it didn’t work out - how long were you guys a couple?

[helloladies21]

28 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Red flags are not having opposite sex friends……

I would be a hypocrite myself, if I did not wholeheartedly agree with your statement, as one of my best friends as a girl and my recent romantic interest ended our dating over me having a spontaneous drink with my friend. That's not the point I was getting at. But a man who was romantically involved with a girl continuously buying her expensive gifts after they broke up, deserves a little bit of skepticism. Would you be okay with some guy or girl you've never met by your partner expensive gifts? I think not.

Looking back on it, I believe my romantic interest was testing me in that moment to see if she could get a reaction out of me. If that was the case, I certainly failed the test. And it hasn't been the first time. Sometimes a girl will test a guy in this way to see if he really cares about her to get jealous enough. If he's just a player and looking for sex, he wouldn't get jealous. Although it's not the way I personally think, I understand this way of thinking. Lots of guys lie and girls can feel like they are forced into testing them like this too elicit their true feelings.

Edited January 9, 2023 by helloladies21

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, helloladies21 said:

In 2021, I dated a girl who was still in contact with her abusive ex. She gave me the impression that she was trying to break it off with him. She told me, one week in, that she was still in love with him.

Agree that when a woman (or man if roles are reversed) tells you this^, don't call them out, break up with them.

Some.people are able to retain friendships with ex's, but I believe it only works when both people are truly over each other and no longer have romantic feelings. 

In all the scenarios you describe OP, these women still had feelings for their ex's, as such best to simply end it. 

Calling out on other things like snapping at you, for me I've learned to pick my battles and not make a huge deal out of something said due to my husband's bad day or bad mood unless it became a pattern and/or he became verbally abusive which he has never and hope never does! 

Good post. 

Edited January 8, 2023 by poppyfields

[helloladies21]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Calling out on other tbings like snapping at you, for me I've learned to pick my battles and not make a big deal out of something said due to my husband's bad day or bad mood unless he became verbally abusive which he has never and hope never does!

Thank you for adding so much needed nuance to my post. Of course you don't want to call out every little thing. That would just make you seem like a crazy person. And not all, have to be of the same intensity. It's one thing to offhandedly say "seems like you've been a little touchy today. Everything OK?" versus "what you did is not OK. We need to have a talk". Experience will tell you when to do which one and when to let things slide all together.

[helloladies21]

30 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

1.5 weeks is not that long. You’ll have to take your time to get over her. But I like your list. It will help you look at the situation more objectively, if you read through it a few more times. The fact that she introduced her kids that early is a red flag for sure. Sorry it didn’t work out - how long were you guys a couple?

You're going to think this is as pathetic as I do: we weren't even officially together! We chatted online for a couple of weeks and then casually dated for a couple of weeks. Granted, we were together almost every day and I stayed overnight for an entire week, due to a blizzard in my hometown, but it wasn't a long time for us. And it's not like I'm young. I'm 44 years old, been married, dated plenty of women in my life. We just connected very well because she had a lot of qualities I look for in a partner. I was very serious about progressing things with her. We weren't seeing other people, though.