She Broke it Off Suddenly After Sending Mixed Signals [UPDATE - trying to get her off my mind]

[NuevoYorko]

I actually take exception to this.  It's not our job to call people out on their mistakes / shortcomings.  In this example:

2 hours ago, helloladies21 said:

I was in a relationship with a girl for a couple of months. We were at dinner one night, and I brough up her emotional baggage. Her ex-husband left her for her best friend three years ago. I told her the only way we were going to be able to give this a real chance is if she got over it. She said she couldn't just get over it. I didn't say anything after that. Looking back, I should have ended things then and there. At the very least, made a bigger deal out of it.

I think you are out of line telling this woman that she needs to "get over" whatever.  You knew her for two months; she doesn't owe you anything.  Also, she's right - people cant "just get over it."  It takes what it takes.

On the other hand. it IS our job to take care of ourselves.  Yes, if  a person we're dating is hung up on their ex, we probably need to cut our losses.  Before doing so, if we are interested in the person enough, we probably want to talk to them about it. 

This would best be accomplished by using "I"  statements rather than "YOU" statements.  This would mean expressing how WE feel when faced with their preoccupation with their ex, and how WE perceive the chances of our relationship moving forward when this is happening. It's basically the opposite of "calling them out."  

[helloladies21]

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I actually take exception to this.  It's not our job to call people out on their mistakes / shortcomings.

If I'm in an interpersonal relationship with somebody, of course it's my job to voice my concerns. Call it something other than "calling out", fine. Maybe you could refer to it as "voicing concerns" or "communicating boundaries" or even "expressing your desires", but this type of semantic argument does not further the learning.

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I think you are out of line telling this woman that she needs to "get over" whatever.  You knew her for two months; she doesn't owe you anything.  Also, she's right - people cant "just get over it."  It takes what it takes.

We're just going to flat out disagree on this. We were in a relationship together. This is my time and my feelings being invested. If she's hung up on her past and not emotionally available to fully connect with me, she's wasting my time and should not be dating me (or anyone else). I will take that personally.

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On the other hand. it IS our job to take care of ourselves.  Yes, if  a person we're dating is hung up on their ex, we probably need to cut our losses.  Before doing so, if we are interested in the person enough, we probably want to talk to them about it. 

I believe this is my post said in different words.

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This would best be accomplished by using "I"  statements rather than "YOU" statements.  This would mean expressing how WE feel when faced with their preoccupation with their ex, and how WE perceive the chances of our relationship moving forward when this is happening. It's basically the opposite of "calling them out."  

"We need to do a better job of getting over our exes, my dear. Can we do that together?" Nobody talks like this. It's her baggage. It's her job to get over it, or stay out of the dating pool until it's resolved. It's my job to look out for myself and make sure my time and feelings aren't being wasted.

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

We need to do a better job of getting over our exes, my dear. Can we do that together?" Nobody talks like this. It's her baggage. It's her job to get over it, or stay out of the dating pool until it's resolved. It's my job to look out for myself and make sure my time and feelings aren't being wasted.

When previous poster said "we," he didn't mean you and she collectively.

He meant we as in "ourselves," using "I" statements such as "I feel uncomfortable that you still have feelings for your ex," or "I'm not sure I can remain in this relationship and be happy when you're are still so emotionally tied to your ex."

Or any variation thereof. 

Telling her to "get over it" does sound a bit heavy handed imho. 

Although such a strong approach might work with some women. Some women do respond well to that type of no-nonsense style.

It's hard to say, it's not black and white.  Nothing in life ever is, there is no one size fits all.

 

Edited January 9, 2023 by poppyfields

[helloladies21]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

When previous poster said "we," he didn't mean you and she collectively.

He meant we as in "ourselves," using "I" statements such as "I feel uncomfortable that you still have feelings for your ex," or "I'm not sure I can remain in this relationship and be happy when you're are still so emotionally tied to your ex."

Ah, understood. And I agree.

And delivery is another issue entirely from the point of my post. I actually didn't say to my ex "get over it". I believe my exact words were "They only way we're going to be able to give this a real chance is if you are able to move on from your past." And I was definitely not rough or accusatory about it. I know it was a delicate situation.

[poppyfields]

Just now, helloladies21 said:

"The only way we're going to be able to give this a real chance is if you are able to move on from your past."

You did use "we"!  Lol

That delivery sounds much better though, thank you for clarifying.

[helloladies21]

I'm sorry I post so much on here everyone. I'm doing my best not to be annoying to my friends. They've heard my complaining enough lol.

I know some of you don't approve of my strategy in finding out the truth about where she was at emotionally. We will just have to agree to disagree on that. At the end of the day, I don't think anything was going to stop us from going our separate ways.

It just felt so good In the moment. I found someone who I vibrated with. I've had it before, and nothing in this world makes me feel that good. I have all this material garbage, money, it really doesn't mean anything to me. It's the relationships I form with people I identify with that fills me up. I just wish it weren't so hard to find. When I do, I feel elated and accomplished.

I have to meet more people. And I need to be a bit more outgoing in getting to know people. I can't just wait for them to come into my life like I am now. It's the only way I'm going to find good ones like her, but without the negative baggage.

[helloladies21]

But I don't understand, why bring me to meet your kids, if you're just going to end up running away? I really thought she was serious about me and ready when she did this. So misleading.

And it's not like I'm mad at her or want to put her down. She's been through a lot. For both of our sake, I just wish I never met her.

It is important for me to pull some positives out of this, though. The last time I felt like this about someone was in 2017-2018 with my ex who had abandonment issues. She had some awesome characteristics. We vibrated strongly. In some ways, it felt like I was with a female version of myself. Or I should say, I saw a lot of myself in her. But she was also jaded and broken. Not meant to be. In the back of my mind, I wondered if I could feel that way about a woman again. At least now I have proof that I can.

And I've been working out a lot. She got me on a good routine again. It's good for me.

I'll just be sad for a while and then I'll get over her. It happens every time.

[MsJayne]

Manipulating someone into buying gifts for you is very dubious behaviour, it smacks of narcissism, as does telling a new partner about it as if it's something to brag about. If this is the woman who dumped you for going out for drinks with a female friend you should be grateful you got out unscathed because I suspect her cheating ex might have a different story to hers. Perhaps you're like a great many men in that if a woman's attractive they'll ignore the glaring fact that she's a slithering viper.  And dating new people when you're still licking your wounds from a previous relationship is also a flag that the person is self-absorbed and dismissive towards others. Calling out these behaviours is not unreasonable, it's just sifting the fools out. 

[basil67]

4 hours ago, helloladies21 said:

But I don't understand, why bring me to meet your kids, if you're just going to end up running away? I really thought she was serious about me and ready when she did this.

You confessed earlier that you knew she had issues about being cheated on, but went on a date with a female friend knowing it would cause an argument and to see what her reaction was.  Your test succeeded in showing she'd be triggered.  She reacted on that and dumped you.  Cause and effect.

It doesn't matter how keen someone is beforehand, if we cross one of their boundaries, we can find ourselves dumped.   It's not rocket science

 

Edited January 9, 2023 by basil67

[JTSW]

On 1/3/2023 at 11:58 AM, JTSW said:

She's vulnerable, been hurt allot.

You need to understand how it looked to her that you went out with another woman (platonic or not).

She definitely cared about you because she let you meet her children. 

Again, I repeat my previous comment that you took the wrong way. 

You went out with another woman. This is what put her off and made her run.

You are refusing to see that this one is on you, but you still continue asking why she broke it off.

Nobody is making you out to be a player, just answering your questions of why.

This is why!

[JTSW]

On 1/9/2023 at 8:34 AM, helloladies21 said:

She mentioned that she would like an expensive lens for a trip she was going on next month. She made mention that she wanted to get this guy to buy it for her. This bothered me. Even though we weren't exclusive, I felt jealous in the moment. I should have said something and called her out on it. I remained silent. I regret this. I should have said something. How would she feel if I got some girl, even just a platonic friend, to buy me something? She wouldn't. I have to keep my mind on actively exposing the hypocrisy. I think this contributed to her breaking things off with me so easily over nothing.

This is beyond hypocritical: You went out with another woman

She didn't end things over nothing. She ended things because of what you did.

I see you are really having difficulty finding any fault with yourself and actively looking for reasons to blame her for it all.

You need to accept that YOU were the one that caused this break up.

Edited January 9, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Weezy1973]

What I’ve learned is that red flags in the first few months should just be real breakers. No need to discuss, just stop dating them. That’s what a red flag is. 

Edited January 9, 2023 by Weezy1973

[poppyfields]

9 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Manipulating someone into buying gifts for you is very dubious behaviour, it smacks of narcissism, as does telling a new partner about it as if it's something to brag about. If this is the woman who dumped you for going out for drinks with a female friend you should be grateful you got out unscathed because I suspect her cheating ex might have a different story to hers.

Wholeheartedly agree with this^.  The entire post.

You were well within your right OP to have drinks with your female friend. 

You and the current (now ex) were not exclusive plus it wasn't even a date, you were friends. 

And SHE was cavorting around with her EX, asking him to buy her gifts etc.  I mean what the heck. 

I think you dodged a bullet actually. She sounds extremely manipulative telling you about the gifts her ex was  buying her or that she wanted him to buy for her.

Yes I agree she was seeking a reaction, there is no reason for a woman to be telling a man she's dating that.

Who knows the true reason she ended it, the entite situation sounds toxic. 

But I highly doubt it was because you had drinks with a female friend.

Most likely it was an excuse because SHE lost interest or she and her ex were getting back together.

Or it was simply another manipulation tactic hoping you would chase her.

I know women like this, Game players.  Best to stay away.  

Hope you're moving on from it OP, Block and delete is my advice. 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 9, 2023 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

19 hours ago, helloladies21 said:

With my recent romantic interest, she had dated a guy who she was still friends with. I didn't meet him in the few weeks we were involved. She said she had no feelings for him, even while they were dating.

Wow, I just caught this, what's in bold. 

Speaks volumes as to her character, she had no feelings for him but apparently she enjoyed all the perks he provided.

And still providing.  Wow.

Nuff said, bullet dodged. 

Edited January 9, 2023 by poppyfields

[NuevoYorko]

On 1/3/2023 at 11:21 AM, helloladies21 said:

I went ahead with it anyway, purposefully. Not because I wanted to hurt her, or because I wanted out but because I wanted to find out how damaged she was.

Don't do things like this anymore.  It's low behavior.  You manipulated her to see her reaction.  Yes, this woman has a lot of issues and it was not going to work out.  No healthy woman with her s*** together would stick around with a man in his 40's who sets up "tests" for them to pass or fail.  Zero.

[Els]

On 1/9/2023 at 8:34 AM, helloladies21 said:

Even though we weren't exclusive, I felt jealous in the moment. I should have said something and called her out on it. I remained silent. I regret this. I should have said something. How would she feel if I got some girl, even just a platonic friend, to buy me something?

This is incredibly concerning and I think you need to show this post to a therapist.

You two were not exclusive. It doesn't matter if she was having sex with another guy, for chrissakes, it's none of your concern, let alone something you should be "calling her out" on. If it matters so much to you, you should have talked about exclusivity earlier. If there was zero communication on exclusivity, then you're not "communicating boundaries" by throwing a fit over this, you're just a person who wants to have their cake and eat it too.

[ ] 

 

Edited January 9, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[helloladies21]

I guess I'll just have to keep repeating the same thing over and over again: It wasn't a date. It was a drink with a friend. I've done this many times before. Never had any romantic interest in her. Never will. Call it whatever you want, but nothing anyone says on this thread is going to change the characterization of my meet up with my female platonic friend. I know what a date is and that was not a date.

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It doesn't matter how keen someone is beforehand, if we cross one of their boundaries, we can find ourselves dumped.   It's not rocket science

Completely missing the point of this entire thread. I'm not surprised she broke things off with me after she discovered about my meet up. On the contrary, I expected it. That's why I did it.

[helloladies21]

9 hours ago, JTSW said:

You're looking for faults to justify what you did.

You messed this one up OP, not her.

That's not what I'm doing. I feel fully justified, on a moral level, for doing what I did.

I didn't mess anything up. She would have ended it eventually because of her baggage. I'm convinced of this. I just made it happen quicker by exposing her baggage.

[helloladies21]

7 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

What I’ve learned is that red flags in the first few months should just be real breakers. No need to discuss, just stop dating them. That’s what a red flag is. 

That is definitely a valid point of view. I guess it depends on how bad the red flag is and how much you like the other person. I liked her a lot, so I was willing to put in a little more time until I got the proof I needed. I don't want to wonder "what if".

[helloladies21]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Wholeheartedly agree with this^.  The entire post.

You were well within your right OP to have drinks with your female friend. 

You and the current (now ex) were not exclusive plus it wasn't even a date, you were friends. 

And SHE was cavorting around with her EX, asking him to buy her gifts etc.  I mean what the heck. 

I think you dodged a bullet actually. She sounds extremely manipulative telling you about the gifts her ex was  buying her or that she wanted him to buy for her.

Yes I agree she was seeking a reaction, there is no reason for a woman to be telling a man she's dating that.

Who knows the true reason she ended it, the entite situation sounds toxic. 

But I highly doubt it was because you had drinks with a female friend.

Most likely it was an excuse because SHE lost interest or she and her ex were getting back together.

Or it was simply another manipulation tactic hoping you would chase her.

I know women like this, Game players.  Best to stay away.  

Hope you're moving on from it OP, Block and delete is my advice. 

Thank you for your post. I already blocked her on social media and deleted her number. I won't block her number, though, since, if she wants to get a hold of me and I ignore her, she might go psycho on me and show up at my house. I am strong enough to be able to handle things in the moment with her. I really doubt she will reach out to me again, but I will surely reject her if she does. I made a decision to move on and I'm sticking with it. I'm just grieving a failed opportunity.

[mark clemson]

It's been a long time since I was dating, but I feel like "calling out" isn't the right strategy. Maybe it's just the terminology you happened to pick?

If it's a deal-breaker, then just break up gracefully. If it's something that can (potentially) be worked through, then you discuss it.

For example, if someone seems truly hung up on/not over an Ex, there's little point in calling them out on it. It seems like that would just generate unnecessary discussion/"drama"? Just assess how hung up they seem to be and take appropriate action. Doing that might require some discussion, but (at least how I use the term) discussion isn't the same as "calling someone out".

[Weezy1973]

13 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

That is definitely a valid point of view. I guess it depends on how bad the red flag is and how much you like the other person. I liked her a lot, so I was willing to put in a little more time until I got the proof I needed. I don't want to wonder "what if".

Yes, but also I think when there’s a ton of chemistry on a first date or early on, it can lead people to ignore flags. I suspect a lot of unhealthy relationships start that way. Good for you for having the wherewithal to end things instead of ignoring the red flags

 

9 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

I'm just grieving a failed opportunity.

Understandable.

Edited January 9, 2023 by Weezy1973

[poppyfields]

44 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

dated an admitted narcissist in 2021. This feels a bit different than that. I think she was testing me to see if I would react to what she was telling me. I think she might have wanted to trigger me to see if I care about her, or if I wanted to be in an exclusive relationship with her, or both. That's my best guess.

Another possibility and quite likely imo is that she told about her ex buying her the camera lens hoping YOU would respond by telling her "no, let ME buy it for you."

You didn't offer nor have you offered to buy her any other such gifts, so she broke up with you.

Look, she admitted she dated her ex although she has zero feelings for him, she was obviously in it for the perks.  Why should you believe you're different?

You're not providing monetary perks, and as such you are of no use to her.

I am sorry to be so blunt, but that is how I see it.

There are women like this, as I said, I know a few.

Once again, bullet dodged.

 

Edited January 9, 2023 by poppyfields

[NuevoYorko]

You're not interested in any of the things that people need to understand to find and nurture a healthy, solid and fulfilling relationship.  So have a good time selecting troubled women and then setting up "tests" for them to fail.   Clearly this is doing something for your self esteem.  I can't understand what, since you claim to be a middle aged man, but whatever.  I'm mainly happy that the woman bailed before getting subjected to any more of this kind of manipulation.  She has enough to worry about.  

Carry on.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, helloladies21 said:

I guess I'll just have to keep repeating the same thing over and over again: It wasn't a date. It was a drink with a friend. I've done this many times before. Never had any romantic interest in her. Never will. Call it whatever you want, but nothing anyone says on this thread is going to change the characterization of my meet up with my female platonic friend. I know what a date is and that was not a date.

Completely missing the point of this entire thread. I'm not surprised she broke things off with me after she discovered about my meet up. On the contrary, I expected it. That's why I did it.

If you're not surprised she broke things off, why did you ask "But I don't understand, why bring me to meet your kids, if you're just going to end up running away? I really thought she was serious about me and ready when she did this" ?