She Broke it Off Suddenly After Sending Mixed Signals [UPDATE - trying to get her off my mind]

[Weezy1973]

28 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

We are emotional creatures and discussion/drama is one component of having a relationship, at least for a portion of it. I'm not going to avoid it.

 

Discussions are part of every relationship but drama only exits in unhealthy relationships. Avoiding relationships or people that bring drama is actually a great idea. In this case your “test” actually created drama. Have most of your relationships been characterized by lots of drama? 

[helloladies21]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Another possibility and quite likely imo is that she told about her ex buying her the camera lens hoping YOU would respond by telling her "no, let ME buy it for you."

You didn't offer nor have you offered to buy her any other such gifts, so she broke up with you.

Look, she admitted she dated her ex although she has zero feelings for him, she was obviously in it for the perks.  Why should you believe you're different?

You're not providing monetary perks, and as such you are of no use to her.

I am sorry to be so blunt, but that is how I see it.

There are women like this, as I said, I know a few.

Once again, bullet dodged.

 

I actually dated a gold-digger a few years ago. She had a long term ex who she split up with several years prior, who conditioned her to accept gifts. He was rich, but much older than her and not a good looking man. I know, because he was a celebrity doctor in the area who went to jail. It was all over the news. I didn't buy her a thing. But I digress... 

I would say yes for this one, but she actually routinely bought me drinks when we went out. For Christmas, she spent a lot of money at the supermarket for Christmas. We went to Target afterward and bought some candy for stockings and paper towels. I felt bad that she had been spending all this money on me, so I insisted, as her guest for several days, that she let me pay. She became very embarrassed and we had a little talk about it after she had calmed down that I don't need anyone to pay for me like that.

But maybe her feelings in the meantime changed and she did start to see me in a different way. It was only a couple of days later that this camera lens incident happened. I can't say you are wrong.

Another possible red flag. I really don't need any more. My list is already quite long with her.

[Lisa]

This thread has just had a clean up of issues around civility.   We ask all posters to check themselves before submitting their replies

[helloladies21]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

Discussions are part of every relationship but drama only exits in unhealthy relationships. Avoiding relationships or people that bring drama is actually a great idea. In this case your “test” actually created drama. Have most of your relationships been characterized by lots of drama? 

I wouldn't say a lot of drama. And it depends on what is meant by drama? I will admit, what I did caused some drama, but I do believe it was warranted. I ended up being correct about what I suspected. I don't see any other way to have confirmed it without waiting for something similar to spontaneously happen. I keep asking for someone to propose an alternative, and no one says anything.

[ ] 

Edited January 9, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
argumentative

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

 I keep asking for someone to propose an alternative, and no one says anything.

I offered you an alternative earlier on.

To reiterate:  When you're talking with someone who you already know is hypocritical in wanting to have male friends and exes around but won't allow you the same,  the smart thing to do is recognise that they are not the kind of person you should be dating and end it.  There really is no need to test and trigger them

[helloladies21]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

When you're talking with someone who you already know is hypocritical in wanting to have male friends and exes around but won't allow you the same

I did not know this until she flipped out about it. There was no way for me to predict the future.

Any other suggestions?

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

I did not know this until she flipped out about it. There was no way for me to predict the future.

It's not prediction, it's commonsense. 

You knew this:  "She's friends with men she's slept with and friends with guys who have crushes on her and who have asked her out and she rejected"

You also knew this: "She said she's had largely transient relationships with men ever since and doesn't develop feelings for them......She also said she doesn't get really happy anymore since her relationship with him. She also said a lot of them have cheated on her."

The contents of both of these sentences should have caused you to walk away without needing to test her.   

 

Edited January 9, 2023 by basil67

[helloladies21]

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It's not prediction, it's commonsense. 

You knew this:  "She's friends with men she's slept with and friends with guys who have crushes on her and who have asked her out and she rejected"

You also knew this: "She said she's had largely transient relationships with men ever since and doesn't develop feelings for them......She also said she doesn't get really happy anymore since her relationship with him. She also said a lot of them have cheated on her."

The contents of both of these sentences should have caused you to walk away without needing to test her.

It may be "common sense" to someone like you, but I wanted more evidence before I made my decision. There's nothing wrong with that.

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

It may be "common sense" to someone like you, but I wanted more evidence before I made my decision. There's nothing wrong with that.

You've spoken about about how expressing boundaries and discussing issues is important, so why didn't you talk it through in a civil manner instead of testing her?  

Edited January 9, 2023 by basil67

[helloladies21]

Just now, basil67 said:

You've spoken much about expressing boundaries and discussing issues, so why didn't you talk it through in a civil manner instead of testing her?  

I did the week prior. This is going around in circles. I'm not engaging in this specific discussion anymore.

[helloladies21]

So I've had some time to process my most recent dating experience and I'd like to recap it for future reference. I do not believe I was at my best.

I met a girl online and chatted with her for a couple of weeks. We spent a weekend together. I met her kids and went to surprise her at her band concert the following week (we're both adults, not kids). She deferred to me, paid for me. Things were good. I liked her a lot.

But then she got a little snippy with me a couple of times. I addressed it with her in the moment and things were resolved. But then I started acting extra nice to her. Like cleaning up her living room when she was stressed out about it being dirty a few times. I wanted to make her happy, but I think she interpreted it as me doing work she was supposed to be doing. It almost felt like I started acting like one of her kids, in a way. It's not like me to act like this. Also, she did have a couple of more episodes of acting moody and snapping and, while I did address it, I think it came off as too weak and passive. She also mentioned a guy she had dated a few times in conversation, and I kept my mouth shut. Her last comment was about getting him to buy a gift for her. I'm sure it was a test to see if I would say something. It bothered me. I should have said something.

Then we had sex a bunch. At the beginning, she was very into it. She never said no, but, while she even proposed it too, by the end, it was almost became like I wanted it more than her. I'm not a paranoid person, either. The last time we had sex, she said she was worried about getting a hickey on her nipple, so I had to stop doing what I was doing. Who else would have seen that on her? Such an odd comment. I should have said something then.

She blew up about me having a drink with a female friend. I believe the damage was already done by this point and she used it as a scapegoat/way out. No word from her in two weeks and I don't expect to hear from her again.

It's like I turned into this little beta male to her, which is not like me at all. I wouldn't call her out on all her nonsense, and, when I did, it was such a half hearted attempt that I'm sure she saw right through. I was always trying to be nice to her. I'm sure she sensed something was off. No one's always nice like that.

I did this same thing with a girl I dated twice in 2021. The first time, I was fine. But she went back to her ex. She came back to me a month later, and I started acting exactly like this. Always looking to do nice things for her. It didn't end well. I was never like this with my ex wife or any other girl I've dated. I let them act like adults and handle their things. I'll do something nice every once in a while for them, but these two examples were too much.

I have to make a commitment to keep things real and natural with girls I really like. I put this one up on a pedestal in certain ways. I really liked her. I wasn't willing to call her out fully when she was acting up. I wasn't willing to risk the good vibe that I felt between us. That's not good. And, nothing against girls who do this, I fully understand the reason why, but when I'm being tested, I need to respond appropriately. I know better than this. 

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

. I was always trying to be nice to her. I'm sure she sensed something was off. 

Unfortunately it seems like you were incompatible. She had her reasons for ending it but probably not because you were too nice. She may be someone who doesn't want to be dominated or treated poorly.  You'll have to find those types of women to date. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

If you were always on eggshells, this just wasn't right for you.