The hard decision to walk away and lose a friend

[mariababy]

A very good friend and I started dating last year. We had a good and strong friendship. We have similar values and our views on marriage was also the same - something that's meant for long term. Even before taking our frienship into a relationship, he told me he was aware it's something he felt comfortable with as dating is a serious step for him because he would only date in view to marrying. Our relationship was very easy as well  (or at least that's how I felt)

A week ago, he said his feelings has changed and he can't see spending his married life with me and preferred us to just remain friends as that's what made him happier. I was deeply hurt because I viewed him as someone who would be in my life long-term. I also thought we had a strong foundation as we were always open with each other and worked things out together as a couple. I had to make the very difficult decision to walk away from being friends which I know in return deeply hurt him because I know me being in his life means a lot to him as an introvert and having limited close friends.

I feel so sad from walking away from a great friend and person and all the wonderful time and years we had but I know it's the right thing to do knowing that he doesn't want more than friendship and I want more. I want to remain strong and firm in my decision but it's so hard.

Edited January 4, 2023 by mariababy

[NuevoYorko]

I'm sorry you're going through this tough break up.  How long was your friendship before you started dating?  How long did you date before the breakup?  Had you moved in together?

[mariababy]

3 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I'm sorry you're going through this tough break up.  How long was your friendship before you started dating?  How long did you date before the breakup?  Had you moved in together?

Thank you! We have been friends for about 6 years and very close friends for 4 years. Then we dated for a year but never moved in together.

[NuevoYorko]

Is this the same man you posted about a few years ago who is in his late 40's and never had a relationship?  In case it is, I think you can probably be friends again, if you can wait a while for everything to normalize.  If he has not had a girlfriend by this point there's obviously some kind of issue there and he's terminally single.  

[glows]

For as long as you “want more” you’re best keeping your distance and moving on with your life. Keeping the friendship usually would hold many back and your new partner won’t be too thrilled knowing your history. 

Yes, it’s sad but try looking at it more realistically. You tried and it didn’t work out. You were dating for a year, have no kids together and weren’t living together. Make a clean break and meet new people. Don’t worry about him. He can take care of himself.

[SydkneeQuncle]

2 hours ago, mariababy said:

A very good friend and I started dating last year. We had a good and strong friendship. We have similar values and our views on marriage was also the same - something that's meant for long term. Even before taking our friendship into a relationship, he told me he was aware it's something he felt comfortable with as dating is a serious step for him because he would only date in view to marrying. Our relationship was very easy as well  (or at least that's how I felt)A week ago, he said his feelings has changed and he can't see spending his married life

Because relationships at work are very complicated, did you have "friendship" at work?

 

[mariababy]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

Is this the same man you posted about a few years ago who is in his late 40's and never had a relationship?  In case it is, I think you can probably be friends again, if you can wait a while for everything to normalize.  If he has not had a girlfriend by this point there's obviously some kind of issue there and he's terminally single.  

I am not sure if I will be able to be friends the same level I was previously again even in the future, so that's something I have to come to terms too.

[mariababy]

59 minutes ago, glows said:

For as long as you “want more” you’re best keeping your distance and moving on with your life. Keeping the friendship usually would hold many back and your new partner won’t be too thrilled knowing your history. 

Yes, it’s sad but try looking at it more realistically. You tried and it didn’t work out. You were dating for a year, have no kids together and weren’t living together. Make a clean break and meet new people. Don’t worry about him. He can take care of himself.

Thank you, this is the reminder I need to help myself heal and move on. He is a good person and most of my sadness at this stage is mostly due to losing an important person in my life.

[glows]

7 minutes ago, mariababy said:

Thank you, this is the reminder I need to help myself heal and move on. He is a good person and most of my sadness at this stage is mostly due to losing an important person in my life.

This can be scary but he hasn’t left you with any other choice. You both agreed to date and then he opted not to.

It’s not very respectful for anyone to expect a friendship out of this, least of all coming from someone who initiated the break up. 

Love goggles are usually still on tightly this fresh after a break up. Reserve the right not to make any decisions except the ones that promote your own immediate healing and accepting that this is over. Ideas about friendship, how important he really is etc comes later. Re-evaluate that at a later time. Your views might change as you also grow and find new people to meet and date.

[mariababy]

47 minutes ago, glows said:

This can be scary but he hasn’t left you with any other choice. You both agreed to date and then he opted not to.

It’s not very respectful for anyone to expect a friendship out of this, least of all coming from someone who initiated the break up. 

Love goggles are usually still on tightly this fresh after a break up. Reserve the right not to make any decisions except the ones that promote your own immediate healing and accepting that this is over. Ideas about friendship, how important he really is etc comes later. Re-evaluate that at a later time. Your views might change as you also grow and find new people to meet and date.

I really appreciate this very much. I will focus on my healing first and continue to stay strong and stick with the hard decision I made in the walking away to heal quicker.

[ExpatInItaly]

You have done the right thing. 

The playing field changed when you two progressed from friends to a romantic couple. It won't go back to the way things were now, and that's okay. The relationship took a different form, and it didn't work out. But remaining friends will be too painful for you, especially when he eventually starts dating someone else. Keep that in mind if you ever doubt your choice to end the friendship. 

[mark clemson]

15 hours ago, mariababy said:

I feel so sad from walking away from a great friend and person and all the wonderful time and years we had but I know it's the right thing to do knowing that he doesn't want more than friendship and I want more. I want to remain strong and firm in my decision but it's so hard.

The correct move. insofar as relegating yourself to "orbiter" status will mean you're still somewhat emotionally connected to him, and so make it more difficult to fully emotionally commit to a new and potentially lifelong partner if that is what you're seeking.

[ShyViolet]

You did the right thing.  It was naive of him to think you two could remain friends and just go back to how it was before.  It doesn't work that way.  If you have feelings for him then staying friends with him would just be too difficult for you and keep hurting you again and again.  You need to move on.

[mariababy]

Thank you everyone for all the supportive comments. I know it's a hard process but this thread would be a good motivation and reference for me in future if I do start having doubts especially since we are likely to bump into each other again at a mutual party end of the month which may revoke those thoughts.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like you guys didn't get that romance is more than one step past friend.  Romance is like 1,000 miles from friendship. Now, the best romances include friendship, but friendship without attraction is very dicey. 

I had this misunderstanding too and once dated a wonderful woman and she always felt like just a friend. I believe in friendship but romance benefits from that additional element of chemistry and sexual attraction. 

There are people who are friends who end up moving successfully to romance. But these folks both feel the transformation, feel the inner excitement and turmoil as their feelings shift. They don't just sit down and discuss how similar their values are. That's not enough for romance. Romance needs all the good qualities of friendship but something more. And while it would be great if humans became friends first and then shifted into romance, in reality people typically feel attraction first and then the friendship develops as the romance develops. 

Bottom line: doesn't sound like you guys were attracted to each other in that romantic way. You'll recover. And one day you might very well thank your friend for breaking up because you'll see that likely he cut off a problem before you guys went further into trouble.