Struggling with a second marriage. and shouldn't be

[ryan1978]

Hi folks,

Some.context here, my wife and I have been married for 4 years, together for 5.5.

This is my second marriage.  The first lasted for 14 years.  At the end....we were both completely....completely different people.  She struggled to communicate, possibly due to childhood trauma of losing her parents, and lived a very silo'd life. She was her own person and tended to shut down and isolate.  It was a long and painful slide to divorce....although we both left amicably, I believe she was having an affair when we left.....because there was a new guy very quickly.

My wife now is quite wonderful.  She's open, caring, enjoys life and is generally quite happy.

Her family is VERY close.  In proximity and emotionally.

We're different in some ways, but have our own likes and dislikes.  In general, I feel like it's a healthy marriage, and quite positive in ways that my past life wasn't.

I am.VERY different from her family.  Again,.wonderful people, but not at all physically active, fairly staunchly left leaning, both sisters are feminist, and our brother in law is quite an oddball.....arrogant....but lazy.  Frustratingly unmotivated.  The reality is, that they're very much a part of our regular life.

Its not easy.....and my concern is that I'm slowly self sabotaging.  It's been a struggling with odd comments towards having kids, bizarre behavior from my brother in law.....and generally trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

My wife and I are good.....although I see traits in her that I see in her family....and I feel like I'm existing with my hand on the rip cord!

Im.currently.talking to an amazing counsellor I've had since.my.divorse in 2016.

Have any of you, who have been down this road had trouble re-engaging?

Part of me wants to travel the world, meet different people and enjoy life while I'm relatively young at 44.

Feel free to shoot from the hip.  Life has given me broad shoulders.  Lol.

 

Thank you

 

 

[glows]

How do you communicate with your present wife? Is it often, not often? Does she listen? 

How often do you see her family? Do you both live with them or vice versa? What does her brother’s laziness have to do with your marriage? Or what does them not being physically active have anything to do with your marriage? Are you trying to say your wife is lazy and doesn’t exercise enough or is left leaning/differs from your political beliefs?

Its ok to disagree but don’t let things fester like this to the point where you’re smiling on the outside and boiling on the inside. 

Create more distance and find your own traditions as a couple.

[ryan1978]

25 minutes ago, glows said:

How do you communicate with your present wife? Is it often, not often? Does she listen? 

How often do you see her family? Do you both live with them or vice versa? What does her brother’s laziness have to do with your marriage? Or what does them not being physically active have anything to do with your marriage? Are you trying to say your wife is lazy and doesn’t exercise enough or is left leaning/differs from your political beliefs?

Its ok to disagree but don’t let things fester like this to the point where you’re smiling on the outside and boiling on the inside. 

Create more distance and find your own traditions as a couple.

That's very true honestly, and I appreciate hearing it.  Thank you for the reply.  

We do communicate well, and fairly often.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm stuck with some trust issues I'm trying to work through.  I'm with a fully committed woman who is "in it to win it" and I'm left feeling like she has an ulterior motive....I really don't believe she does.

I feel like this is a bit of scar tissue, possibly mixed with a bit of Covid / age Induced mid life crisis.

I'm a very loyal man, and don't expect to ever change....just wrapping my head around my persistent  feelings.

[glows]

First, problems with in laws. Second, traits in your wife you see rubbed off from family. Third, questioning her loyalty or trust issues. All of these issues don’t have any direct examples and from the outside it does seem like you’re plagued by severe anxieties unrelated to your marriage.

Do you have any examples to support the above feelings? Does your wife dismiss you when you try to communicate? Does she ever put her family(siblings etc) above your needs?

That’s good if you can tell the difference between what’s truly a problem in your marriage versus a problem with you and your personal issues trusting again. 

Edited January 4, 2023 by glows

[ryan1978]

Thank you.  I feel like you're quite intuitive!

I am doing my best to separate the two, because it's a very real difference.

I DO see some similarities at times.  Excessive eating, some one sidedness on certain social issues.....I don't feel like they are insumountable issues though.  There is far more good than not.

I do wonder if I struggle with fatigue......fatigue from 14 years of struggling and then collapse.  It's a tough thing to hit the reset button on.

But....this part is all.on.me.

[NuevoYorko]

I have a sense that you may be close to sabotaging your marriage because of, as you say, a "midlife crisis."  Travel the world etc.

Your examples of marital troubles are pretty weak; none of them even pertained to your actual marriage, but rather to her family of origin.

I hope you get very clear about what you truly want with your councilor before you do anything that won't be easily reversed.

[S2B]

Why can’t you create some distance with her family if that makes you happier?

she can visit with them. You do what you want.

if you want to travel - travel…take you wife on vacation(s).

let her have the relationship with her family - you do what you want.

[Alpacalia]

13 hours ago, ryan1978 said:

Part of me wants to travel the world, meet different people and enjoy life while I'm relatively young at 44.

By yourself or would you want your wife to accompany you on some of these trips? 

Maybe the idea of giving up the things you're each passionate about in favor of joint hobbies or strictly partnered travel just sounds restrictive and forced to you.

Sometimes I feel like society likes to tell us that the only relationship that really matters in life is the one with our significant other, but I am not sure I buy that.

No two people can be absolutely everything to one another. Can they? Friendships and family fill essential spaces that partners simply aren’t meant to. 

 

Edited January 5, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Weezy1973]

@ryan1978 How long was if after your divorce that you met your now wife?

It does sound like your feelings don’t have much to do with the marriage or your wife. Generally the advice is to lean into the marriage (communicate what you’re feeling / thinking with your wife). 

[JTSW]

17 hours ago, ryan1978 said:

My wife now is quite wonderful.  She's open, caring, enjoys life and is generally quite happy.

Focus on this.

17 hours ago, ryan1978 said:

Again,.wonderful people, but not at all physically active, fairly staunchly left leaning, both sisters are feminist, and our brother in law is quite an oddball.....arrogant....but lazy.  Frustratingly unmotivated.  The reality is, that they're very much a part of our regular life.

Its not easy.....and my concern is that I'm slowly self sabotaging.  It's been a struggling with odd comments towards having kids, bizarre behavior from my brother in law.....and generally trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

Who cares what your brother in law is like.

You're not married to him.

He has nothing to do with your marriage.

You are looking for reasons to sabotage your marriage but there aren't any.

[glows]

On 1/4/2023 at 9:35 AM, ryan1978 said:

Thank you.  I feel like you're quite intuitive!

I am doing my best to separate the two, because it's a very real difference.

I DO see some similarities at times.  Excessive eating, some one sidedness on certain social issues.....I don't feel like they are insumountable issues though.  There is far more good than not.

I do wonder if I struggle with fatigue......fatigue from 14 years of struggling and then collapse.  It's a tough thing to hit the reset button on.

But....this part is all.on.me.

Yes, there is that - fatigue. Have you seen a doctor for a full run down on your health? I don’t know you but I’m picking up a lot of lack of motivation, neither here nor there, undefined thoughts, confusion and disillusionment. Maybe you’ve lost sight as a couple on what you want for yourselves. 

Prior to divorcing my ex-h, I had a lightbulb moment and realized our lives would never coincide well and we had grown so far apart nothing was going to bring that back and even if anything would, I didn’t want to. Of course I hope you have not reached that point or still see the validity or are interested in your marriage. 

You are speaking with a counsellor for private sessions it seems which is good. Has your counsellor not asked you where you see yourself in the future or how you perceive yourself versus what you hope to achieve in this life? Think big picture.

 

[Wiseman2]

On 1/4/2023 at 12:35 PM, ryan1978 said:

I do wonder if I struggle with fatigue......

This is a good place to start. Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

As far as in-laws, try to spend less time with them. You don't have to be in lockstep with them, even if your wife is close with them.

For example, she can visit with them and you can use that time for yourself to pursue hobbies, interests and your own friends and family.  

Most people can only tolerate in-laws in small doses, so work on a win-win situation where she can be with them as much as she wants, but you can carve out some time for yourself to relax and decompress .

[Lotsgoingon]

Sure, lots of folks struggle this way.

First step is to get brutally honest. I sense you qualifying and hedging and making excuses and softening.

Sounds to me like you need to clear on the reality that her family annoys you. A lot. And apparently you don't think they're a good influence on your wife. And you seem to find them too much a part of your marriage? Does she prioritize time with them? In a way that you find unhealthy? 

Dude, you got to say this all clearly before you can get some clarity, some insight, some light, and then you'll know the path to follow.  And by path, I'm not meaning divorce, I mean going about seeing if you can improve things. 

We get that your wife has good qualities and that her family has some good qualities. OK, we get that. No need to repeat that. Very few of us are married to one-dimensional monsters. 

Now what is it that truly annoys you and how do these annoying qualities interfere with the marriage you want to create?

1. What is bothering you about your wife's behavior?
    
2. What's bothering you about her family's behavior.

And how do #1 and #2 interact?