Why would a woman buy a drink for a ugly dude?

[Thelambofdeth]

So to provide a bit of a background: I have social anxiety, chit self esteem and a pretty strained relationship with women overall. I think I'm ugly, and though people always tell me I'm not, I'm grossly aware of it. And because of that I litetally cannot approach women. Haven't done it in a few years r despite going out almost every weekend. I'm too aware that any woman even remotely attractive will have too many othet options, most far batter than I. I do rarely get attention from women, but that's only bc I'm tall, in-shape and dress really well. And they do approach me, it goes no where bc I shut down, don't believe they're interested and just come off as aloof and sarcastic to protect myself.

Anyway, a few weeks ago I went out with a friend, and while I objectively always dress well, I wore this SLP scarf that just drew crazy attention. One girl complimented my outfit right as she was leaving the bar, someone other douchy guy in the bar complimented me later (they both made Karl Lagerfeld comparisons to my outfit strangely enough) later two other guys came over and fawned over my outfit and tried to get me approval. But it was only attention for my clothes, not me, so these compliments never help. So I was still in a chit mood and just went and sat at the bar while everyone else was dancing.

Then the bartender points to this girl and her friend at the bar who I didn't even notice, and mentions when offering me a drink. So maybe this happens to good-looking guys all the time but it never happens to me and was mentally a big deal...It felt weird af. I just said yeah and ordered something while my friend was treating it as a big deal. I get the drink and do nothing...my friend exlaims to go talk to her but I'm frozen. A few minutes go by and she playfully (but directly) says "hey, I bought you a drink, can I at least get your name?" I tell her and she comes over and says her name and I literally say nothing else. My friend is so upset he leaves lol

He comes back and goes and talks to them, hoping I'd follow up after...and I didn't. He said she thinks I hate her bc I won't talk to her, but I couldn't do anything...a while later before she leaves she says "thanks for drinking the drink at least"...which I didn't even do, my friend did lol . Preface: I feel like chit for not even talking to her after buying a drink. No, a drink doesn't automatically warrant a conversation, but if I bought a woman a drink and she acted remotely the way I did, I'd be devastated. I couldn't talk to her bc I felt like she'd immediately think I was ugly and dismiss me...which makes no sense, but still

I didn't even look at them (which should express how bad my anxiety and self-esteem issues are) but my friend said they were really pretty....which begs the question of the topic, why would she buy me a drink? Was she bored, desperate, lost a bet, a gold-digger, pity?

Again, I'm not good-looking, which is the only reason that makes sense. I would just assume they were ugly, but my friend really denies that. If that, I'd would just assume she was either really....desperate/easy or a gold-digger bc I do dress well outside my tax bracket lol. Other than that...I have no idea and it just annoys me. It didn't nothing for my confidence bc literally the next time I went out, I still couldn't approach and just hid away from everyone else. This doesn't happen often enough for me to build confidence and I only ever get compliments on my clothes...this just feels like the universe is gaslighting me...

[mark clemson]

38 minutes ago, Thelambofdeth said:

Then the bartender points to this girl and her friend at the bar who I didn't even notice, and mentions when offering me a drink. So maybe this happens to good-looking guys all the time but it never happens to me and was mentally a big deal...It felt weird af. I just said yeah and ordered something while my friend was treating it as a big deal. I get the drink and do nothing...my friend exlaims to go talk to her but I'm frozen. A few minutes go by and she playfully (but directly) says "hey, I bought you a drink, can I at least get your name?" I tell her and she comes over and says her name and I literally say nothing else. My friend is so upset he leaves lol

This doesn't happen often enough for me to build confidence and I only ever get compliments on my clothes...this just feels like the universe is gaslighting me...

Apologize for the bluntness but it sounds like you have either social anxiety or just severely weak social skills and/or inexperience and inability to overcome the normal "breaking the ice" anxiety most of us experience. The woman in question had no such issues.

Women pursue a variety of what my be called "dating/mating strategies" as do men. You see plenty of attractive or at least "reasonably attractive" women with "less attractive" guys - AND there can be more than one reason for this. It's not just all gold-digging. True gold diggers sex themselves up and go for obviously very wealthy men. They are not hanging around drinking with friends and getting flirty with just any guy in a bar.

Being interested in a guy who doesn't look that good but might be a "good provider" financially isn't gold digging. Call it what you will, "fixer-uppers" "beta-bucking" "settling" - but it's gotten plenty of men into relationships and marriages.

What is the plan? Are you interested in a relationship? Do you think therapy for your anxiety and over-analyzing/jumping to negative conclusions might help? Maybe a dating coach (one who's actually skilled)?

[ShyViolet]

A woman wouldn't have done all that (bought you a drink, tried to talk to you) if she wasn't interested in you on some level.  You have some very deep low self-esteem and self-sabotaging behavior that needs some serious therapy.  This will just keep happening if you don't get professional help to deal with it.

[Thelambofdeth]

36 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Apologize for the bluntness but it sounds like you have either social anxiety or just severely weak social skills and/or inexperience and inability to overcome the normal "breaking the ice" anxiety most of us experience. The woman in question had no such issues.

My OP mention social anxiety in the very first segment.

Quote

Women pursue a variety of what my be called "dating/mating strategies" as do men. You see plenty of attractive or at least "reasonably attractive" women with "less attractive" guys - AND there can be more than one reason for this. It's not just all gold-digging. True gold diggers sex themselves up and go for obviously very wealthy men. They are not hanging around drinking with friends and getting flirty with just any guy in a bar.

Maybe she was a bootleg, puesdo gold-digger...

 

Quote

Being interested in a guy who doesn't look that good but might be a "good provider" financially isn't gold digging. Call it what you will, "fixer-uppers" "beta-bucking" "settling" - but it's gotten plenty of men into relationships and marriages.

Ummm...it's called gold-digging lol. It's the same thing, the term is just dressed up. And in practice and dynamics, it's exactly the same thing. And it wouldn't even work in my case bc I'm not rich, I only dress like it lols.

Quote

What is the plan? Are you interested in a relationship? Do you think therapy for your anxiety and over-analyzing/jumping to negative conclusions might help? Maybe a dating coach (one who's actually skilled)?

I'd love to be in a relationship, but I honestly don't think I'm ready for that. Something more casual for probably suit me but I don't have the sociability or charisma for that. Definitely not hiring a dating coach as that's just a crock lol. I don't think I need therapy to get over my social angst and over analyzing, but I certainty need something...

 

 

[Thelambofdeth]

17 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

A woman wouldn't have done all that (bought you a drink, tried to talk to you) if she wasn't interested in you on some level.  You have some very deep low self-esteem and self-sabotaging behavior that needs some serious therapy.  This will just keep happening if you don't get professional help to deal with it.

Maybe...but if something seems to good to be true, it likely is.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Thelambofdeth said:

   but if I bought a woman a drink and she acted remotely the way I did, I'd be devastated

It seems like you answered your own question. 

[smackie9]

You are making this more complicated than it needs to be. A woman buys you a drink and talks to you...ask for her number, ask her out. That's it...simple as that. If she declines, then you carry on as normal. I guess the best way to handle things is to stop listening to your brain. 

[Thelambofdeth]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

You are making this more complicated than it needs to be. A woman buys you a drink and talks to you...ask for her number, ask her out. That's it...simple as that. If she declines, then you carry on as normal. I guess the best way to handle things is to stop listening to your brain. 

But is it really that simple? It just doesn't make sense...

[basil67]

1 minute ago, Thelambofdeth said:

But is it really that simple? It just doesn't make sense...

Sure, that's what other men would do.  

 

[Thelambofdeth]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Sure, that's what other men would do.  

 

It was a woman that bought the drink, though...

[basil67]

Just now, Thelambofdeth said:

It was a woman that bought the drink, though...

Yes I know that.   A regular guy would walk over to her, introduce himself, get talking and if he liked her, ask for her number.  

[Thelambofdeth]

Just now, basil67 said:

Yes I know that.   A regular guy would walk over to her, introduce himself, get talking and if he liked her, ask for her number.  

Regular guys dont have SA and approach anxiety, though lol. That's exactly what I wanted to do...but as asanine as it sounds I felt like as soon as I went over there she'd laugh and reject me.

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, Thelambofdeth said:

Regular guys dont have SA and approach anxiety, though lol. That's exactly what I wanted to do...but as asanine as it sounds I felt like as soon as I went over there she'd laugh and reject me.

Yeah well.....while you reject therapy, you'll continue on this path.   It's your call.

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, Thelambofdeth said:

It was a woman that bought the drink, though...

So what?  When single, I was good looking and would ask guys if they wanted to dance and some turned me down so I just asked the next good dancer.  You don't know these women and chances are you won't ever see them again.  Be yourself and enjoy yourself.  Personality is more important than looks.  A great personality can make an ok looking guy completely handsome.  Rudeness can make a fine guy look like a beast.

[Thelambofdeth]

21 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Be yourself and enjoy yourself. Personality is more important than looks.  A great personality can make an ok looking guy completely handsome.  Rudeness can make a fine guy look like a beast.

I mean...maybe at a pottery or cooking class or whatever...not so much at a bar. People are usually shallow[ ]  there. I wasn't dancing and had [blank look]on just sitting at a bar. I had no appeal in that instance...

Edited January 4, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[MsJayne]

Why do you think you're ugly?  Did someone tell you that or is it just your perception? Why do you assume that all people judge others only by outward appearance?  When I was young and good-looking I always went for the funny guy who was confident, looks weren't the top priority because good looks can get boring very quickly if there's no personality to go with it. We're all bombarded with the message that being handsome/beautiful is extremely important, social media platforms are pushing it down your throat constantly, providing a space for vain fools to parade around being crazy in love with themselves, but that self-absorption and excessive vanity is the true ugliness in people. When you go to a bar, or any public place, check out how many women have their lips and faces filled with crap to alter their looks. Every single one of them is insecure about their appearance and feels they're not good enough. By inflating their lips they're trying to deflate their insecurities. Stop focusing on looks and learn to value yourself for what's inside. Also, like others suggest, some cognitive therapy might help you. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Why not get to therapy and work on that social anxiety? And on that esteem of yours. 

You really do need to open your eyes--there are all kinds of not very beautiful people (that's polite wording) walking around with partners. But sounds like some great professional guidance would help. I might recommend you get to a woman therapist. 

You just had an experience that really undermines your whole way of thinking--and you're clinging. You looked good and got acknowledged for looking good, got hit on for looking good--and still you label yourself ugly. 

[poppyfields]

Tale a group acting class.   If for no other reason than it will get you out of yourself and your own head and squelch those dreaded anxieties and fears you're experiencing.

I was dreadfully shy growing up, thought I was ugly (I'm not), ran away from cameras, blushed around people other than my family, I could barely speak sometimes.

Then I discovered acting and although I never really pursued as a career (dance was my thing), it pushed me out of my self-centeredness and self-consciousness, it completely changed my life!!!

Professional one-on-one therapy isn't for everyone, and it's often difficult finding a good therapist you can relate with.

So try the group acting class, you're all in this together.

It worked great for me anyway.

Good luck!

Edited January 5, 2023 by poppyfields

[Thelambofdeth]

13 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Why do you think you're ugly?  Did someone tell you that or is it just your perception? Why do you assume that all people judge others only by outward appearance?  When I was young and good-looking I always went for the funny guy who was confident, looks weren't the top priority because good looks can get boring very quickly if there's no personality to go with it. We're all bombarded with the message that being handsome/beautiful is extremely important, social media platforms are pushing it down your throat constantly, providing a space for vain fools to parade around being crazy in love with themselves, but that self-absorption and excessive vanity is the true ugliness in people. When you go to a bar, or any public place, check out how many women have their lips and faces filled with crap to alter their looks. Every single one of them is insecure about their appearance and feels they're not good enough. By inflating their lips they're trying to deflate their insecurities. Stop focusing on looks and learn to value yourself for what's inside. Also, like others suggest, some cognitive therapy might help you. 

Bc I can't really find any success with online dating. I'm introverted OLD is the preferred, acceptable way to meet women, so no success there means no success anywhere. I'm not photogenic...at all. People constantly tell me I'm not ugly, but if that were the case, I'd be approached more often. And when I am approached by a woman, it's literally always bc of my clothes. And what you said, totally proves my point. People overall are more shallow than they've ever been, and especially at a bar, I assume all the women there only want the hot guys because of the influence of OLD, SM, etc and all the attention and options women have. I appreciate that you looked for more than just looks in a mate, but I don't think that's indicative of many women these days. (Or people in general, I only mention women bc I'm a heterosexual male and men being shallow doesn't really affect me lol) Confidence is created by positive reinforcement, so its a bit difficult to value yourself (in terms of securing a mate) when the prime aspect they're seeking, is one you don't have.

[Thelambofdeth]

11 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Why not get to therapy and work on that social anxiety? And on that esteem of yours. 

You really do need to open your eyes--there are all kinds of not very beautiful people (that's polite wording) walking around with partners. But sounds like some great professional guidance would help. I might recommend you get to a woman therapist. 

You just had an experience that really undermines your whole way of thinking--and you're clinging. You looked good and got acknowledged for looking good, got hit on for looking good--and still you label yourself ugly. 

Sure, but those people usually compensate with a lot of money, high social value or just being extremely confident and social.

I don't think therapy is the key, especially not a female therapist, bc she really wouldn't understand where I'm coming from. Hell, most male therapists likely wouldn't relate at all, and I'd mostly just be patronized.

Bc there had to be an ulterior or nefarious reason it happened tbh...

Edited January 5, 2023 by Thelambofdeth

[Thelambofdeth]

10 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Tale a group acting class.   If for no other reason than it will get you out of yourself and your own head and squelch those dreaded anxieties and fears you're experiencing.

I was dreadfully shy growing up, thought I was ugly (I'm not), ran away from cameras, blushed around people other than my family, I could barely speak sometimes.

Then I discovered acting and although I never really pursued as a career (dance was my thing), it pushed me out of my self-centeredness and self-consciousness, it completely changed my life!!!

Professional one-on-one therapy isn't for everyone, and it's often difficult finding a good therapist you can relate with.

So try the group acting class, you're all in this together.

It worked great for me anyway.

Good luck!

Yeah, I'm way too anxious to try a group acting class. That's def. for extroverts or at least people who don't have social anxiety. It would be easier for me to run into a burning building that do that. My anxiety would runneth over lol. But I can see how exposure like that could help.

Edited January 5, 2023 by Thelambofdeth

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, Thelambofdeth said:

Yeah, I'm way too anxious to try a group acting class. That's def. for extroverts or at least people who don't have social anxiety. It would be easier for me to run into a burning building that do that. My anxiety would runneth over lol. But I can see how something like that could help.

Yeah I used to be a introvert too! Huge!

And had debilitating social anxiety, still do to some extent.  Bit it's no longer debilitating and my anxiety is under control now more or less. 

As I said, I could  barely speak when around people and in social gathereings.  It was uncomfortable but I forced myself. 

Acting is NOT for extroverts, that's a misnomer.  Some of the best actors of our time are also some of the biggest introverts who struggle with social anxiety and other issues. 

Many take drugs and alcohol to compensate.  

For me, I just observed and listened for the first few weeks, the teacher helps you, pushes you a bit. 

Anyway it was just a suggestion. It worked for me and as I said, changed my life, opened me up to a world I never knew existed. 

My therapist at the time actually recommended it.

What I've learned is if you're unhappy and seek change, you need to push yourself, step out of your safe comfort zone and take some risks. 

Start small and be patient with yourself. 

You won't get anywhere in life by complaining and doing nothing. 

 

 

Edited January 5, 2023 by poppyfields

[Thelambofdeth]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Yeah I used to be a introvert too! Huge!

And had debilitating social anxiety, still do to some extent.  Bit it's no longer debilitating and my anxiety is under control now more or less. 

As I said, I could  barely speak when around people and in social gathereings.  It was uncomfortable but I forced myself. 

Acting is NOT for extroverts, that's a misnomer.  Some of the best actors of our time are also some of the biggest introverts with social anxiety. 

Many take drugs and alcohol to compensate. 

For me,, I just observed and listened for the first few months, the teacher helps you, pushes you a bit. 

Anyway it was just a suggestion. It worked for me and as I said, changed my life, opened me up to world I never knew existed. 

What I've learned is if you're unhappy and seek change, you need to push yourself, step out of your safe comfort zone and take some risks. 

Start small and be patient with yourself. 

You won't get anywhere in life by complaining and doing nothing. 

 

 

 

Well yeah, you totally know where I'm coming from, then. All I can do is go out to a place (mostly bars, not even most of the places I'd actually like to go) and when I'm there I can't talk to someone I don't already know. If it's a guy there's no real problem, but talking to or especially approaching women isn't a possibility, so yeah, pretty close to debilitating.

Yeah, but those introverted actors are usually very attractive, talented or just so passionate about it that it makes it doable. And yeah, I'm sure the drugs and whatnot do help them function in that environment.  The funny thing is a acting class is something I'd totally love to do...but I simply couldn't will myself to do it. Not to mention I'm almost 30 so it's little late to try and do something social like that, methinks. I do like the idea of just hanging back the first few months then possibly getting more comfortable with the concept, though.

I just honestly don't know what I can do socially to be more social, because everything I'd want to do, or anything that could help, is beyond my anxiety threshold. Good ol catch 22. And my friends likely wouldn't participate so I'd have to do it alone, which is terrifying. I've conditioned myself to be so risk-adverse it's not even funny...

[mark clemson]

19 hours ago, Thelambofdeth said:

Maybe she was a bootleg, puesdo gold-digger...

Ummm...it's called gold-digging lol. It's the same thing, the term is just dressed up. And in practice and dynamics, it's exactly the same thing.

I don't think I need therapy to get over my social angst and over analyzing, but I certainty need something...

Okay. I respectfully disagree with you, but that's fine you're entitled to your opinion. I do believe it's over-analyzing as in my view wanting a partner who's reasonably financially stable is NOT the same thing as want one who's actually rich specifically in order to also be rich.

Consider this - if you dress nice regularly and a woman shows interest, with your view it will ALWAYS mean she is a gold digger.

You say you want a relationship, but this way you are always going to reject a potential GF. And if you dress shabbily, and are not good looking as you say, women will likely reasonably assume the worst and only one ready to "scrape the bottom of the barrel" will show interest. That isn't likely to be a woman you're overly attracted to and she will probably have substantial issues of her own.

So either way your mindset AND your social anxiety fux your plans (of having a relationship).

So IMO you probably do need help from a therapist to get you to a place where (as others have pointed out) you aren't self-sabotaging with this mindset.

Edited January 5, 2023 by mark clemson

[mark clemson]

15 hours ago, Thelambofdeth said:

I mean...maybe at a pottery or cooking class or whatever...not so much at a bar.

Actually IMO meet-ups can be a great way to meet potential dates, as there tends to be a certain % of single folks there who are potentially open to dating. But you have to be in a headspace where YOU are ready to accept them, too.