raquellexxx Posted January 5, 2023 Share Posted January 5, 2023 (edited) I am slightly anxious when it comes to communicating with men. The reason for this is that I consider myself not beautiful enough and even ugly sometimes, although I have often received attention from men. However, something happened recently that made me a complete mess. I went to a party where one of the boys repeatedly initiated conversations with me. I noticed how he was often looking at me, one time even staring at me continuously, and even smiling at me. I was also freely talking to him, smiling and trying my best to show that I was interested too. Then, just when my insecure mind decided that maybe there is a slim chance that he liked me, I was left shocked. Suddenly, he asked me and my girlfriend for advice about some girl he met recently and liked, but she ghosted him. Since he told us that he realized it wasn't worth it and got over her, I decided to keep communicating with him, hoping that we would at least exchange contacts in the end since we would never see each other again. But that didn't happen and we all left. So, I welcomed the New Year with a shattered peace of mind, very confused, miserable and convinced more than ever that apparently I'm not pretty enough or even ugly once he didn't do anything more. I know how he was looking at me, it was definitely not accidental eye contact, he was staring at me repeatedly and consistently. And he began initiating conversations. Am I really that delusional and if there is any chance he really liked me? But if he had, why didn't he want anything more? Edited January 5, 2023 by raquellexxx Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 5, 2023 Share Posted January 5, 2023 It's not because a man finds a woman pretty that he wants to date her. As you've learn he had someone else in his mind, he needed a friendly ear to talk about it and he found it in you and your friend. It has 0, I mean 0, to do with you being pretty or not. Not everything in life is about being pretty. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 5, 2023 Share Posted January 5, 2023 17 minutes ago, raquellexxx said: , he asked me and my girlfriend for advice about some girl he met recently and liked, but she ghosted him. Sorry this happened. Don't take it personally. He doesn't seem ready to date and not a lot of guys are comfortable hitting on women at parties. This isn't about you. Just a disappointment that a brief encounter didn't really end up as anything, but that is the norm 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 5, 2023 Share Posted January 5, 2023 Please try to learn how to let this type of disappointment roll right off of you. Think pragmatically - you really don't know him and he is not important in your life. You did right to practice engaging with a man you thought was interesting at the party. You need to do that more often; that way, you'll get used to it. Think about what the guy, and guys in general, have to prepare for in the dating world. We are trained from a young age that it's our responsibility to initiate all things associated with dating / romance / sex. Rejection central! This guy, at that point in time, was absorbed with thoughts of someone else. That has nothing to do with what you look like or anything else about you. It's just where he was at. Keep practicing talking with guys you think you might like. It will all pay off in the long run. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 5, 2023 Share Posted January 5, 2023 At parties, people talk with many others of the opposite gender without feelings of romance. This is what happened with him. He's found you interesting and kind and eventually decided to open up about something troubling him. He didn't treat you badly, it's just that you hoped for more but it wasn't on the cards. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 You really need to do a lot of work on your self-esteem if you are letting your entire emotional well-being depend on the validation of some random guy at a party. Some guys will like you and some will reject you. That's life, and you can't let your happiness depend on what other people do. You need to be confident within yourself, and you need to learn to be okay with rejection and let it roll off your back like we all do. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 10 hours ago, ShyViolet said: You really need to do a lot of work on your self-esteem This! This situation has nothing to do do with that guy but all to do with your low self esteem. Consider getting into therapy to gain some self perspective and understanding. It's not all about looks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author raquellexxx Posted January 6, 2023 Author Share Posted January 6, 2023 I've actually been going to several different therapists for 3 years, but unfortunately, when it comes to my low self-esteem about my appearance, I never saw any results and that depresses me even more when people say ,,Therapy works wonders''. By the way, I've had a few similar situations in the past year that my therapists think is proof that I'm not ugly and have attention from men, but it's like when a guy doesn't ask for contact, I automatically assume it's because of my looks and refuse to accept that there was real interest in me. For instance, one day I was walking down a busy central street *talking on the phone*. Then, a handsome guy was quite persistent in trying to catch up with me, and when he stopped me, he told me that I looked pretty. I thanked him and was acting nice, but he didn't ask for my contacts and just smiled and left. Even though this situation was like a booster for my low self-esteem, the fact that he didn't ask for my contacts made me think: ,,Well, he apparently thought I was pretty from afar, but when he got close to me, he figured that I'm not that pretty and he's given up, otherwise why would someone chase me just to compliment me.'' This situation is quite similar and again I take it in a particularly painful way for me… Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 4 minutes ago, raquellexxx said: he didn't ask for my contacts Have you tried getting a good profile and pics on some quality dating apps? That's a better approach than hoping random men will try to pick you up. You'll be more in control of your dating life and fate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 OP, you are clearly and attractive woman. What happened with guy was obviously nothing to do with you. He clearly found you attractive, he just had another girl on his mind and needed advice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 18 minutes ago, raquellexxx said: Well, he apparently thought I was pretty from afar, but when he got close to me, he figured that I'm not that pretty and he's given up, otherwise why would someone chase me just to compliment me.' This is very silly. You need to get out of this way of thinking. It's quite immature if I'm honest. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author raquellexxx Posted January 6, 2023 Author Share Posted January 6, 2023 (edited) I agree... Honestly, the reason I blame my looks for the failed situations with these guys is because I've seen many situations with my girlfriends who were actively pursued (not in a creepy way) by guys who they couldn't even communicate with on such a wide variety of topics like I could and didn't even have much in common. And they all got into healthy relationships. I consider myself an intelligent girl with a sense of humor. And witnessing the situations above made me believe that although appearance is not the most important thing, it is clearly among the most defining things. Therefore, you can imagine how easily I came to this painful conclusion when I did my best at that party and still nothing happened. I know this thinking is damaging and kills my self-esteem + makes my life a hell but I just don't know how to stop it. Edited January 6, 2023 by raquellexxx Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 (edited) 2 hours ago, raquellexxx said: Therefore, you can imagine how easily I came to this painful conclusion when I did my best at that party and still nothing happened. I know this thinking is damaging and kills my self-esteem + makes my life a hell but I just don't know how to stop it. But, this is dating. It’s life - you meet people all the time and talk with them… thinking that there may be a connection but for whatever reason, it’s not reciprocated. You move on… I too would kindly suggest that you need to really work on your self esteem if you are relying on others to validate your own worth. It’s not about physical appearance, or who shows interest, or who wants to date you — you are worthy because YOU know your own value. You don’t know how to stop this kind of negative, self defeating thinking… counselling. Read self help books on how to build your self esteem. Find a counsellor. Look, we all have feelings of insecurity - every single person wonders at some point almost every single day if they are not pretty enough, not smart enough, not friendly enough, not good enough… it’s whether they chose to listen to that voice of negativity or challenge it that is important. Right now, you are taking what would be a fairly ubiquitous social situation and interpreting it to reinforce your own insecurity/negative thinking. You need to stop doing that or you will be miserably unhappy and have great difficulty building a healthy relationship with another person. Good luck. Edited January 6, 2023 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Calmandfocused Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 Agree with Gaeta. Pretty is not the be all and end all of life. Do you know one of the reasons why very pretty girls struggle to get boyfriends op? When deep down they feel undeserving and unworthy. Whether they are aware of it or not the lack of self worth oozes out of them and THIS is the reason why potential dates are turned off. Suitors can smell it a mile away. Confidence is sexy. Self - depreciation is not. So you say you are humorous, kind and engaging to these men when they approach you? If so that’s great. However ask yourself: am I putting myself down and talking negatively about myself? If you are that’s an instant turn off and should give you a clue why these patterns are happening. it’s nothing to do with your looks and everything to do with how you feel about yourself. I’m not surprised you’re struggling in the dating world. It’s not an environment where you can thrive feeling how you’re feeling. You’re still seeing the wrong therapist. Find one who specialises in self esteem difficulties. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 OP, why are you acting like your happiness hinges on the validation of guys that you encounter in public that don't even know you? Both examples you gave were about strangers who you didn't know. One at a party, and one on the street. Are you seriously letting your emotional state be dictated on whether random guys you encounter in public hit on you or ask you out? Have you ever dated or had a relationship? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 One of the things I think you've missed in the dialogue you had with this guy: he's hung up on someone else. No matter how pretty or friendly you may have been, his heart was already elsewhere. At best, he may have decided that you were attractive enough for a rebound to help him get over her, but I think you and I can both agree that this would have been a very bad outcome for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Stret Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 Don't confuse prettiness and attractiveness. Pretty is someone on a picture. Attractiveness is something else that comes from within a person. I remember meeting a girl who was not very pretty and later when I got to know her, I saw how she thinks of herself as the best thing in the world, sexualises her relationships with guy friends, and is all out there... she was attractive to men. Nobody considered her pretty but she had a good looking husband (yes, she was also cheating on him) and slept with really good looking guys. Her friends were nuts about her. She was not a good person, but she was fun and thought high of herself. Her personality doesn't matter here, I'm just acknowledging that cheating on her husband was an awful thing to do. I also remember my older friend, who was in his 60s, telling me he dated a model when he was younger - a physically stunning woman - but with whom he had no chemistry and sleeping with her was like sleeping with a blow up doll. When I got a bit older, I realised that beauty means not much for love, happiness and respect, in other words, for any of the things that matter. Look around - all the couples that are married, happy with each other, raising kids, etc... not many are traditionally beautiful. They are ordinary people living their lives. Don't focus on the beauty but make the best out of yourself and keep your head up high. You are unique and someone will like and love all the things you think are not pretty about you. My ex showed me a photo of his ex and the first thought I had was - God, she is not very pretty. But to him she was very beautiful and he saw something in her. Beauty is in the eyes of beholder. Change your focus and your thoughts, and you will change your life. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 You might as well ask what the meaning of life is while you're at it because I don't know that either. But I digress ... Don't read too much into why it is people do or don't do something. There are many situations that seem like they should be a good or bad one on the surface, and ... People don't follow through with them. Why? Some people are evil as well, they can and will play with people's emotions or get their hopes up for something then hurt them on purpose. But that is a small percentage. Another possibility is what is the most likely, which is apathy. That is the only explanation I have anymore for how others can and do behave with others. Example : Years ago I was on a dating website when I was matched with this guy who attended the same university as me. I was really excited to meet him as I thought "this could be what I was looking for". He and I met and ... I never heard from him again. I texted him two days later (we met on December 23rd and texted him on Christmas Day) saying "Merry Christmas". He texted back "Thanks same to you." A week later I texted him on New Year's Day and texted him "Happy New Year", he texted back "Thanks same to you." I said I had reached out twice, non committal, just a "hi how are you" message, he'll call me now. And I never heard a word again. When I repeated this story to friends and acquaintance, they all reacted the same way when they heard he went to the same university as me - That's wonderful for you! - Then when I told them the story, they all reacted the same way. "Internet dating is just bad isn't it? People are so apathetic and rude." I said "I guess so." So just move on. Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted January 6, 2023 Share Posted January 6, 2023 Plenty of men will eye you up and give the impression that they're interested, and they are, but not in you, more in your female parts. If conversation with you gives them the impression that you're not up for casual sex with a stranger, they'll lose interest. It's that simple. By mentioning the ghosting girl he was potentially paving the way for the dumping that would happen when you mistook the casual sex, (that he was planning), for something meaningful and he needed to get rid of you. It's nothing to do with what you look like, there are creepy men everywhere, many of them are disguised as nice guys. Keep your eyes and ears open, and your legs closed, to these men, and don't ever let them make you feel bad. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 (edited) Low self-esteem is a tricky thing. No matter how much someone appears to compliment you, it likely won’t work. It doesn’t matter how many random men ask for your number or turn into boyfriends. That one guy will seemingly look over you and you’re all broken up again where most people would just brush it off, no biggie. That broken sense of self is the way you see yourself as incomplete without constant validation from men around you. Have you tried encouraging yourself or pursuing other worthy hobbies, interests and staying fit? Do you feel good about yourself? You have to retrain your brain into feeling a sense of accomplishment and pride in other things. Right now you’re receiving all that, working in only one way. There are plenty of ways to boost your confidence but you need to put in the work to get there and reroute your way of thinking. Edited January 7, 2023 by glows 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 (edited) I feel like your whole understanding of romantic/attraction is skewed. Being attracted to someone of the opposite sex really isn't about beauty*. I'm old now, but when I was young, I was probably above average, but far from beautiful. And yet I never struggled to find a boyfriend. That doesn't mean that every boy I had a crush on was interested in me and there were months at a time when I'd find myself single, but mutual interest wasn't terribly hard to find. Aside from your appearance, what are your personality traits which would attract a man? How would you add to a guy's life? What do you look for in a man? If you're really struggling to get a boyfriend while those around you can, then you need to be looking at what you can do differently. And importantly, why do you see your appearance as the make or break in attraction when there are regular looking girls who have boyfriends all around? Surely they'd prove your theory wrong. *yes there are some people who put beauty at the highest level of importance, but those people are shallow and in my opinion, are not worth dating Edited January 7, 2023 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 And it has nothing to do with how beautiful or thin or successful or wealthy or whatever else that others see. Let's say that you have all of these things. Does that make you more attractive to men? I was under the impression that it would, but it ... Doesn't. Why? It has nothing to do with you, it has more to do with them. I have also come to the conclusion that men really want a woman who is lesser than they are. They want someone who is less attractive, has less personality, is less educated, is less successful in their job / career path, lacks social skills, etc. It's been proven to me time and time again. 10 hours ago, basil67 said: I feel like your whole understanding of romantic/attraction is skewed. Being attracted to someone of the opposite sex really isn't about beauty*. I'm old now, but when I was young, I was probably above average, but far from beautiful. And yet I never struggled to find a boyfriend. That doesn't mean that every boy I had a crush on was interested in me and there were months at a time when I'd find myself single, but mutual interest wasn't terribly hard to find. Aside from your appearance, what are your personality traits which would attract a man? How would you add to a guy's life? What do you look for in a man? If you're really struggling to get a boyfriend while those around you can, then you need to be looking at what you can do differently. And importantly, why do you see your appearance as the make or break in attraction when there are regular looking girls who have boyfriends all around? Surely they'd prove your theory wrong. *yes there are some people who put beauty at the highest level of importance, but those people are shallow and in my opinion, are not worth dating SHallow? Yes, to be sure to value some things like beauty above all other things. But I also think people jump into things too quickly with others before they really know things about others. Unfortunately the bad stuff comes out later on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 On 1/6/2023 at 2:57 AM, raquellexxx said: I've actually been going to several different therapists for 3 years, but unfortunately, when it comes to my low self-esteem about my appearance, I never saw any results and that depresses me even more when people say ,,Therapy works wonders''. By the way, I've had a few similar situations in the past year that my therapists think is proof that I'm not ugly and have attention from men, but it's like when a guy doesn't ask for contact, I automatically assume it's because of my looks and refuse to accept that there was real interest in me. Therapy doesn't "work wonders" and I've never heard anyone claim that it does. It's WORK that needs to be done by the client. If you're not going in there ready to work hard to CHANGE and to let go of your preconceived toxic notions and patterns, nothing will happen. If you expect therapists to provide you with "proof" that you're "not ugly," you are going to be disappointed. They are also not likely to try to convince you that you "have attention from men." The help you need is to learn that attention from men is not a thing that your entire sense of self worth should hinge on. A proper therapist will help you get there. Sounds like you're going in to therapy with a huge confirmation bias - that you're "ugly" so no one is going to have "real interest" in you. In fact, they are approaching you, so you've already attracted. If it doesn't go anywhere - neither do most contacts between strangers who meet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 (edited) On 1/6/2023 at 4:57 AM, raquellexxx said: I've actually been going to several different therapists for 3 years, but unfortunately, when it comes to my low self-esteem about my appearance, I never saw any results and that depresses me even more when people say ,,Therapy works wonders''. I missed the post where you said you have been in therapy for three years. If you have been in therapy for three years and you have seen little progress, that is not the fault of the therapist. There is very little that a therapist can say or do if the individual is set in their beliefs. The only person who can change your thinking is YOU. On 1/6/2023 at 4:57 AM, raquellexxx said: For instance, one day I was walking down a busy central street *talking on the phone*. Then, a handsome guy was quite persistent in trying to catch up with me, and when he stopped me, he told me that I looked pretty. I thanked him and was acting nice, but he didn't ask for my contacts and just smiled and left. What stopped you from asking him if he wanted to go for a coffee - after all, he chased you down on the street and gave you a compliment. He was clearly interested - what stopped you from showing some initiative and reciprocating? Edited January 7, 2023 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 (edited) @raquellexxxI highly doubt you're ugly. In fact, since you have men staring at you and running down the street wanting to meet you telling you how pretty you are, I imagine you must be quite beautiful! However I believe YOU think you're ugly which I can actually relate to. It's all about how we perceive ourselves, and there are many things that can play into that. For example, if your mom or dad told you while growing up in your formative years that you were ugly, that is the perception you will have of yourself, which has literally zero to do with reality. For me, I am the spitting image of my mom. My mom was very beautiful, she was actually a semi-famous model for a time in New York in her early 20s. However she was also a narcissist, and abused me emotionally and physically growing up (different thread). So in my mind, she was ugly (she's passed on which is why I refer to her past tense). I could barely look at her or her pics sometimes without feeling sick to my stomach, literally. Given I look exactly like her, or very similar, you can imagine the revulsion I have (or had because I've resolved much of it) for myself. How ugly I thought myself to be even though I was offered modeling contracts, etc which I turned down because I hated the camera, and thought I was ugly, exactly how you feel. My advice is to work with your therapist to determine where these negative thoughts stem from. Put things in proper perspective, it's mind over matter. Begin giving yourself positive affirmations. Every day. I also do Yoga and Pilates which calms me spiritually and keeps my body in great shape and top physical condition. Go to a stylist and get a make over. The right hair style and wardrobe can make a world of difference in how YOU see and perceive yourself. Once you begin "seeing" yourself as an attractive vibrant woman, others will too and flock to you, I promise you!. When I or anyone says "it's all in your head," it's not an insult, it literally is! Perception can often be more powerful than reality and once you change your perception of yourself, a whole new world will open up to you. Make 2023 your year for change! I know you can do it. It won't be easy but nothing of value comes easy. Good luck! 💛 Edited January 7, 2023 by poppyfields 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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