He lied about being married

[confused2023]

I started a relationship with a coworker.  I researched him and found no evidence of him being married.  Before we even started chatting on the phone in a personal way I asked him if he was married.  He said no.

He works out of town and lives many states away from me so between that and COVID I thought that explained why we only met up in person four times in a year and a half.  

He got very upset with me in 2021 because I said I had mentioned our relationship to other co-workers.  He said I put his job in jeopardy. I though he was being a bit paranoid.  Two consenting adults and all that. 

in November 2022 he reached out to tell me how smart and witty I am.  He loves to text.  We texted some more; then a minor argument over nothing led him to say he didn't want to hurt me anymore.  We haven't talked since then 

At a work function two weeks ago a supervisor mentioned that HE (my long distance lover) was in fact married,
Married to the sister of another co-worker that I'm close too at that. 

I tried to hold it together in front of the supervisor.  

I freaked out when alone with my two coworkers who knew about the relationship - they also had no idea he was married.
I assured them that I had NO IDEA he was married. They were very supportive.  Pointing out that HE is the one at fault.

I redid all the the google searches I had done, before, No trace of him being married.  But once I had the last name of his wife (because I work with her brother)  I was able to find their married name on some property documents.

He started chatting me up after being married for less than 6 months!

That he would lie to get laid is typical MM behavior I've learned through reading up on it.  BUT to be so stupid as to think I'd never find out!!! We work at the same company.  I even noticed in a old picture taken weeks after he got married that he's made a point to hide  his left hand - aka ring finger. 

I got myself medically checked out and I have no STD's.
If I had I'd be contacting his wife.

I'd NEVER knowingly hook up with someone who was married, in a relationship. 

I feel horrible for what I unknowingly did to this woman.
I'm now in a weird zone of not being able to confront him because I have to maintain the work relationship. 
I've decided to try and distance myself from the two co-workers as much as possible - easy since they work out of state.
I wonder if I'm making any of the right decisions?

 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, confused2023 said:

 now in a weird zone of not being able to confront him because I have to maintain the work relationship. 

Sorry this happened, but it's good you found out. Delete and block him from all your personal social media and messaging apps. Only interact professionally. 

[JTSW]

Don't feel horrible or guilty about anything.

This is on him, not you.

The petty person that I am would tell that co-worker close to his sister what he did and how he fooled and humiliated you.

You are obviously not the first woman he has been messing with behind his wife's back.

I would want to get his ass into trouble.

But that's just me lol

[BreakOnThrough]

You've done nothing wrong, so nothing to feel guilty about.  Best not to get involved with work people in general, lots of drama could follow, obviously separate of your situation.  Best to block him and only interact with him professionally if you absolutely have to, what goes around comes around so he'll get his at some point, no reason to insert yourself into any more drama if it could swing around on you professionally, let sleeping dogs lie and move along quietly.

[BrinnM]

17 hours ago, confused2023 said:

I wonder if I'm making any of the right decisions?

In terms of what? You can’t really do anything else - just look straight ahead, move forward, and keep it classy! 
He blatantly lied to you, whereas you did nothing wrong, and - very importantly - revenge is best served cold, so be patient. 
 

Edited January 6, 2023 by BrinnM

[mark clemson]

 

[ ] you didn't really do anything wrong + given how you feel, etc steering clear of this guy as much as possible is the right move. He might try to re-contact you, re-kindle things, etc. If that happens just state your lack of interest in anything further and ignore anything not work-related as best you can.

Edited January 6, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[MsJayne]

23 hours ago, confused2023 said:

He got very upset with me in 2021 because I said I had mentioned our relationship to other co-workers.  He said I put his job in jeopardy. I though he was being a bit paranoid.  Two consenting adults and all that. 

This guy is a despicable creep. Consider going to HR, (if this relationship formed in the work sphere), being as he deliberately manipulated you for the purpose of sexually exploiting you.  You should expose him and possibly save his wife from a lot of grief by giving her the opportunity to get rid of him before she starts a family with him. Don't ever cover up for a narcissist, that's how they thrive. 

[glows]

Distance yourself and put this behind you. Don’t respond to messages aside from work related ones. If he likes to pepper work topics with personal questions, ignore the personal questions and focus on your work. 

Seek counselling in private if you need to unload the guilt, any difficult emotions or if you need a neutral third party sounding board NOT related to your workplace. Retaliation or vengeance is not the way to go. Keep everything work related going forward. This is your career, not a social with friends. 

[confused2023]

Thanks to everyone who took the time to post.

I appreciate your words.

this has been a good step towards healing for me. 

[glows]

Most people will take the hint some topics or questions are unwanted. Shut down any conversations and say you have to get back to something you were doing. If he asks questions, answer vaguely. You don’t have to be specific about anything he doesn’t need to know about your work or your personal life. Don’t respond to any personal phone calls etc.

I’d be more concerned that word has gotten out about this to at least one supervisor and two coworkers. I hope you work with kind individuals and not cut throats.