Devongreen Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 So I’ve been seeing two girls for the past month, in the dating/talking phase, both know that it’s not been exclusive. The idea for myself was that while doing this I would realise that I liked one more than the other however after this initial period I have seemingly equal feelings towards both and I can’t seem to decide who I would rather be with. I go to and throw between them in my mind and I know that I can’t keep them in this situation and the only fair thing I can think of is to end it with both. any advice on what to do would be really appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 Well, go through your own life and look at compatibility. It’s not just about emotions. Some people flatly, technically or plain matter of factly, do not fit in our lives. Can you describe them and see whether either are compatible? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 4 hours ago, Devongreen said: ,both know that it’s not been exclusive. As long as this is the case it's ok. However if you get physical with one of them, you may want to end it with the other. That could lead to unwanted complications . Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 16 hours ago, Devongreen said: So I’ve been seeing two girls for the past month, in the dating/talking phase, both know that it’s not been exclusive. The idea for myself was that while doing this I would realise that I liked one more than the other however after this initial period I have seemingly equal feelings towards both and I can’t seem to decide who I would rather be with. I go to and throw between them in my mind and I know that I can’t keep them in this situation and the only fair thing I can think of is to end it with both. any advice on what to do would be really appreciated. This is ehere long term things need to be talked about such as 1. what do you want in life 2. wanting kids 3. life goals 4. religious/ political views and values match? 5. How common are your interests? Is there conflict like on you have guns snd like to hunt and she hates the thought of that. 30 years ago I had a talk like this with a good friend of mine. He had 2 woman who he liked both equally but there were differences about them. I hadn’t met either of them. Small world I found out after—the woman he picked and married. My dad actually knew her dad from a computer group he was a part of. Link to post Share on other sites
Fox Sake Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 It’s possible to have strong feelings for 2 people. It’s only possible to have that head-over-heels feeling for one person tho. So it sounds to me like neither of them are the one, but either could make a good partner to grow into something. ( “The One” I say that lightly, as there’s potentially quite a few “the ones” but they’re rare to find) Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 In similar scenarios, I kept dating them both, and made sure they both knew that the other existed. They were fine with that, though, being open to polyamory (loving relationships with more than one person) as well. Eventually, you may decide on one, or one may decide they want something different. It will sort itself out, unless you want to choose now. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 8, 2023 Share Posted January 8, 2023 On 1/6/2023 at 6:34 PM, Devongreen said: I know that I can’t keep them in this situation and the only fair thing I can think of is to end it with both. I think the fair thing to do is to break it off with one woman before things get more serious/physical. I’m honestly not sure why you think the only fair thing is to end it with both? Feelings are just that - feelings. They come and they go, they tend to be fleeting by nature. Those who make decisions based on feelings are often left disappointed. If you have feelings for both, pick the woman with whom you have more in common and are most compatible. And see where it goes… Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devongreen Posted January 8, 2023 Author Share Posted January 8, 2023 Well this was a rollercoaster there I was worried about having to pick one. One has just ended it which I think has made me realise I wanted her from the start 🙃 cheers all for the advice! Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 8, 2023 Share Posted January 8, 2023 8 minutes ago, Devongreen said: Well this was a rollercoaster there I was worried about having to pick one. One has just ended it which I think has made me realise I wanted her from the start 🙃 cheers all for the advice! Does that mean the one remaining was just a distraction and placeholder? Are you settling? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devongreen Posted January 8, 2023 Author Share Posted January 8, 2023 8 minutes ago, glows said: Does that mean the one remaining was just a distraction and placeholder? Are you settling? I hadn’t thought of this but yes, Possibly, more than likely! I guess Il have this chat with them now. Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted January 8, 2023 Share Posted January 8, 2023 58 minutes ago, Devongreen said: Well this was a rollercoaster there I was worried about having to pick one. One has just ended it which I think has made me realise I wanted her from the start 🙃 cheers all for the advice! Can you clarify what's bolded? It sounds like you're saying you didn't realize how much you wanted her until she ended it? Why did her ending it result in that realization? And now what? She ended it. Are you going to continue dating the other out of default? Sloppy seconds? As my late mom used to say. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devongreen Posted January 8, 2023 Author Share Posted January 8, 2023 24 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Can you clarify what's bolded? It sounds like you're saying you didn't realize how much you wanted her until she ended it? Why did her ending it result in that realization? And now what? She ended it. Are you going to continue dating the other out of default? Sloppy seconds? As my late mom used to say. Made me realise I had stronger feelings for her. As hard as it was I have just ended it with the other person. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 8, 2023 Share Posted January 8, 2023 1 hour ago, Devongreen said: . One has just ended it which I think has made me realise I wanted her from the start 🙃 Sometimes that happens. A choice is made for you. In this case none of you are exclusive so she may have met someone. That's ok. Just date casually in the future but without TMI so women don't automatically discuss you as a "player". Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted January 8, 2023 Share Posted January 8, 2023 (edited) 23 minutes ago, Devongreen said: Made me realise I had stronger feelings for her. I know but why? Why did it take her ending it for you to realize your strong feelings? Do you know? And what would happen if you did start dating? Would your strong feelings disappear? Could it be possible you're one of those people who want what you can't or don't have? Not accusing, just asking cause I see this a lot, particularly men but some women. They're conflicted and ambivalent while dating the person, then the person ends it, and suddenly they're in love or believe themselves to be. This happened to another poster recently, there was a big long thread about it. It's a strange phenomenon. Edited January 8, 2023 by poppyfields 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devongreen Posted January 8, 2023 Author Share Posted January 8, 2023 23 minutes ago, poppyfields said: I know but why? Why did it take her ending it for you to realize your strong feelings? Do you know? And what would happen if you did start dating? Would your strong feelings disappear? Could it be possible you're one of those people who want what you can't or don't have? Not accusing, just asking cause I see this a lot, particularly men but some women. They're conflicted and ambivalent while dating the person, then the person ends it, and suddenly they're in love or believe themselves to be. This happened to another poster recently, there was a big long thread about it. It's a strange phenomenon. I completely understand that. I think it made me realise that I was only sticking in the situation I was in as it was easy. I didn’t want to hurt the other person so while I know it wasn’t the way to do it it was the way that I rationalised to myself. Having had a grown up chat with her she has stated that she was fed up of waiting so it’s my own fault but something that I can hopefully learn from. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted January 8, 2023 Share Posted January 8, 2023 (edited) 52 minutes ago, poppyfields said: I know but why? Why did it take her ending it for you to realize your strong feelings? Do you know? And what would happen if you did start dating? Would your strong feelings disappear? Could it be possible you're one of those people who want what you can't or don't have? Not accusing, just asking cause I see this a lot, particularly men but some women. They're conflicted and ambivalent while dating the person, then the person ends it, and suddenly they're in love or believe themselves to be. This happened to another poster recently, there was a big long thread about it. It's a strange phenomenon. This would concern me, too. It sounds like something out of a romcom but IRL what I have experienced (self, friends) is that if it took the person leaving to make the lukewarm person "realize" feelings, those feelings faded once they had them back. You have time. Keep dating, have fun. 😀 Eventually you'll be thunderstruck by somebody. Edited January 8, 2023 by CaliforniaGirl Spelling Link to post Share on other sites
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