Fake Nameington Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 My boyfriend and I are both 18 years old and have been together for a little over 4 months. Let's call him L and I am N. L is my 3rd boyfriend and I was very happy because all my other exes treated me very very horribly, but he seemed to really care for me. I am his second girlfriend, his first ended almost exactly a year ago. Let's call his ex E. Since the beginning of our relationship, we have both made it clear that we are not okay with each other being in contact with our exes and have even agreed to blocking them. On December 23 2022, L and I opened Christmas presents and then decided to nap together in his bed. He has never had a problem with me going through his phone and I don't mind him going through mine, either. I got curious about what he says about me to his best friend so I read their messages on Instagram and saw texts of L telling his best friend that he was with E, his ex. Those messages dated back to October 2nd 2022. I kept reading and saw things like "My heart wants E, but my mind says to stick with N" or "I talked to E and i might stay with N." Key word: might. Then, i saw texts of him telling his best friend that him and E made out. He even said "I'm a horrible human being, i'm a cheater." I took photos of the chat as evidence and then woke him up to confront him. While looking at the texts, he told me that the conversation with his best friend was just "dark humour" and that he didn't actually see his ex. Obviously, I didn't believe him when he said it was just a joke. However, 2 days later on Christmas, he cried and cried, "Please don't give up on me." So I decided to stay with him while I think about what to do. We began talking about it everyday since, where he kept insisting that he never met up with E. Day after new years, he flew to another city to see his father. 2 days into his trip, he admitted to me over text that he lied. He confessed that he did meet up with her in his car with the intentions of telling her to stop texting him (I had no idea she was texting him) and that he's happy with me. He claims that she randomly kissed him so he pushed her off and kicked her out of his car. What bothers me is the fact that he still wanted her while we were dating (this is what I interpreted in his texts), he met up with her without telling me even though he knew I wouldn't be okay with it, he hid the truth from me for 3 out of the 4 months we have been dating, he didn't have her blocked like we agreed, and I have no idea if his explanation is true because he has lied to me so much. I don't know what to do. He keeps telling me he loves me and didn't tell me because he didn't want me to leave him. He tells me he hates her (she has a BIG reputation for lying and cheating on many guys) and that he doesn't want anything to do with her. He keeps telling me that he will do anything to make me feel happy and reassured and will never lie to me again. I'm stuck because I really love him and want this to work so badly but I'm scared I'll never be able to fully trust him again. Please tell me what you think Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 9 minutes ago, Fake Nameington said: . He confessed that he did meet up with her in his car Sorry you had to see that. 16 weeks dating is a good time to step back and reevaluate how you feel and how things are going for you. Unfortunately he seems to have unfinished business with her. Focus on protecting your heart. When someone lies about their interactions with an ex, there's the potential of getting hurt. Don't be a rebound or filler for him. Step far away and tell him you need to reflect and reconsider. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 (edited) Given that he's got stuff like this on his phone, It's a stretch to believe that he's OK with you going through his phone. I think that you didn't trust him and went looking for dirt and you found it. Question is, why were you feeling so insecure that you needed to pry into his private messages? What's going on? Edited January 7, 2023 by basil67 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fake Nameington Posted January 7, 2023 Author Share Posted January 7, 2023 Just now, basil67 said: Given that he's got stuff like this on his phone, It's a stretch to believe that he's OK with you going through his phone. I think that you didn't trust him and went looking for dirt and you found it. Question is, why were you feeling so insecure that you needed to pry into his private messages? He's genuinely always been okay with me taking his phone without him having to peer over my shoulder. I didn't suspect him of anything because of that. I only looked through his messages because earlier that day, he told me he talks about me to his best friend a lot and even told me about some good things his friend had to say. I got curious and wanted to read the conversations. I genuinely didn't think I would find anything that would upset me but I guess I was wrong Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 There's a difference between taking someone's phone to quickly Google something or pull a map up while driving and reading their private messages. I believe your boyfriend may have been comfortable with the former but didn't explicitly give you permission to read his messages. I would think that if you really wanted to know what he said about you, you'd ask him in a flirty voice what nice things he said about you. It could have ended up as a very romantic evening. When you're old like me, you realise that when things don't make sense, they are probably not true....and if he knew that you'd likely read his messages then he would have either deleted them or told his mate in private. Anyway, to go with your story, this isn't your first boyfriend. Have you never said something to your BFF about when a boyfriend annoys you? Or when you're a bit unsure about the relationship? Thing is, we do share our inner thoughts with our bestie with the trust that our friends won't betray our confidences or that our partner won't invade our privacy. You've done the latter and have opened a Pandora's box. I suspect that you'll never regain your trust and the relationship is doomed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 1 hour ago, Fake Nameington said: . He claims that she randomly kissed him so he pushed her off and kicked her out of his car. You seem to have insight into the magnitude of the BS he's pawning off here because you used the word "claims". He doesn't seem like a decent person. He is still lying about chasing her and making it look like she's the problem. You're right to be sceptical about his integrity and trustworthiness. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 (edited) Just call it off if you’re not able to trust him. Sort yourself out for awhile before dating again. He was clearly confused when he started dating you and seemed torn. When he met up with his ex were you exclusive? That means an agreement not seeing others. Edited January 7, 2023 by glows 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fake Nameington Posted January 7, 2023 Author Share Posted January 7, 2023 7 hours ago, glows said: When he met up with his ex were you exclusive? That means an agreement not seeing others. Yes, he had already asked me to be his girlfriend and we both made it very clear to each other that we were not okay with seeing other people. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 He had feelings for her while dating you but knew she wasn’t a smart choice in partner if she’s also a liar and so on. He chose being with you but was still emotionally attached to her if he was meeting with her or communicating. I suggest you take her out of the equation for a moment and look at him. You’ve mentioned you don’t know what to believe because he’s lied. Remember that no one has to live this life but you. This is your life, your time. What are your plans after you graduate high school? Are you going to college or university? When we’re hurt we have a tendency to zone in on that pain and the immediate area and timeline surrounding it. Your life may be changing very rapidly around this time. I left for uni at 17 shortening time with my high school friends and didn’t get the opportunity to date much in high school. Try thinking big picture as when you leave you’ll look back at this narrow window in time and realize you might have been better off laughing with friends and being so much more carefree rather than worrying about whether a boyfriend is a liar or feeling hurt. On the other hand he does seem like he wants to be with you and you can spend your remaining time with him but know you’re into bigger and better in a short time. Have some goals for yourself and don’t be afraid to go pursue all of them - career and professional ones. You’ll be meeting many other people too so don’t close your mind so quickly to one person. Give yourself time to grow. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 9 hours ago, Fake Nameington said: I only looked through his messages because earlier that day, he told me he talks about me to his best friend a lot and even told me about some good things his friend had to say. I got curious and wanted to read the conversations. If this were the case you should have asked to see his phone at that time and not go through it when he was asleep. 10 hours ago, Fake Nameington said: "My heart wants E, but my mind says to stick with N" or "I talked to E and i might stay with N." Key word: might. Then, i saw texts of him telling his best friend that him and E made out. He didn't just kiss her they made out. He's lying to you and after hearing he told his friend the above it sounds like you're just a place holder for E. I'd break up with him if I were you and find a guy who makes you #1 in his heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 12 hours ago, Fake Nameington said: He confessed that he did meet up with her in his car with the intentions of telling her to stop texting him (I had no idea she was texting him) and that he's happy with me. He claims that she randomly kissed him so he pushed her off and kicked her out of his car. Out of everything you say he said, this was the bit that made me smile. It takes one written sentence to tell someone you want them to stop texting. After that, you block them. You don't meet up with them in your car unless you want them to be within physical reach in a private space. This guy is obviously not serious about monogamy. And you know what? That's fine. He should just be honest about it, let you go, and let you find someone who's wants the same kind of relationship as you. Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted January 7, 2023 Share Posted January 7, 2023 16 hours ago, Fake Nameington said: He's genuinely always been okay with me taking his phone without him having to peer over my shoulder. I didn't suspect him of anything because of that. I only looked through his messages because earlier that day, he told me he talks about me to his best friend a lot and even told me about some good things his friend had to say. I got curious and wanted to read the conversations. I genuinely didn't think I would find anything that would upset me but I guess I was wrong Going through someone's private messages, no matter who they are, is a complete invasion of their privacy. If someone shows you a specific message for some reason that's OK, but just randomly reading their messages when they're not looking? That's just so wrong and I don't believe you that he gave you permission to do that. Why would he give you permission to snoop through his 'phone when he's clearly got messages he didn't want you to see? You're his second choice, accept it and move on, and stop snooping through other people's stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 10, 2023 Share Posted January 10, 2023 On 1/7/2023 at 6:33 AM, Fake Nameington said: I got curious and wanted to read the conversations. I genuinely didn't think I would find anything that would upset me You weren't curious. You wanted to see if he had blocked his ex or was still talking to her. On 1/7/2023 at 5:37 AM, Fake Nameington said: He tells me he hates her (she has a BIG reputation for lying and cheating on many guys) and that he doesn't want anything to do with her. This is total BS. Why would he meet with her if he didn't want anything to do with her? On 1/7/2023 at 5:37 AM, Fake Nameington said: "My heart wants E, Hmm, this doesn't sound like he hates her. OP, you guys are so young. He doesn't know what he wants so it's best to end it. He clearly can't be trusted and didn't respect you enough to stick to your pact. Link to post Share on other sites
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