Breakup of relationship

[glows]

24 minutes ago, George82 said:

I can see things from her perspective, I get that she’ll be wondering what else is there that’s she’s maybe missed and all sorts will be going through her head. My natural reaction is to try and reassure her that there’s nothing more than these 2 photos and that despite an act of foolishness I’m still a good person and still the same guy she fell in love with. I understand that time and space is what she’s needs right now. Your natural reaction is to fight for something that means so much to you, but i know now is not the time for that. 

Agree. And please stop defending yourself as someone who trusts you will do so of their own accord. You don’t have to keep proving you’re trustworthy. This creates a rollercoaster effect where you’re either on a high, ecstatic that she’s with you or believes you, or in a very low low like you are now as she questions your integrity. 

The relationship is so drastically off kilter at this point and missing elements of trust and respect. It’s made worse by the break up and on/off relationships are rife with these issues. Do you sincerely see yourself building a future with this person?

[George82]

11 minutes ago, glows said:

What you can do is pay attention to what she says and does. If she doesn’t want to be with you or speak to you that’s all you need to know. 

If you have a need to hear why she doesn’t want to be with you recognize that she doesn’t owe you an explanation - at all. Unfortunately she may think that you won’t take no for an answer and continue to argue your point. You seem more receptive and sympathetic to people telling you the blame is all on her and she may be flighty, irrational, not calm.

I’m more of the mind that people don’t fling out break ups usually unless they’ve thought it through. She may be calm and been thinking about this for awhile yet masking it until she was sure. Going through social media to look for things like this suggests she already had one foot out the door. People don’t do that in secure relationships. 

That’s not the case at all, I’ve taken on board all view points yourself included even if it’s home truths I might not want to hear or want to believe. If I’ve came across as more receptive to other opinions then it’s maybe more out of hope than anything else. I’ve never once myself agreed with or said the blame is on her, I’ve accepted that it’s my doing. I feel like you’re just making a point of having a go now, when it’s not needed. I’m not looking for any sympathy from strangers, I just wanted an unbiased view point which is what I’ve got 

[glows]

1 minute ago, George82 said:

, I just wanted an unbiased view point which is what I’ve got 

Just a note here - all points of view are biased in some way. We choose to believe some are less biased because that’s the side we want to believe or are more hopeful towards or may seem more sympathetic to our case. 

I can point out plenty of contentious issues and biases in other opinions mentioned in the thread one by one but that’s not what I’m here to do. I’m mentioning this as a viewpoint and be wary of the lenses you’re viewing things. There is always bias or differences in perception and opinion. 

[Weezy1973]

35 minutes ago, George82 said:

. I’ve never once myself agreed with or said the blame is on her, I’ve accepted that it’s my doing.

Again, I’d urge you to not take all blame. Her dumping you is completely (and I mean completely) on her. If this really is the only issue, she needs to own that which is why the only thing that can work is time and space. And then SHE should be the one apologizing for overreacting and breaking trust in the relationship. Not you.
 

And that being said, something that you’ve said on repeat is that you don’t remember liking the Instagram model’s pictures or why you did it. If it’s something so out of character for you, you’d think you’d remember doing it. Were you drunk? Does someone else have access to your phone and could have done it?

 

Also you can’t discount the possibility, however much it may not make sense, that this was just a trigger for something that she had been planning for awhile. I’ve broken up with a few long term girlfriends and there was always a lag between the initial contemplation and the actual breakup. In the interim the relationships looked and felt normal. No weird distance. The only turmoil was in my thoughts. 
 

Also there’s a possibility she met someone else. And was looking for an excuse to end things. You’ll find out soon enough.

Edited January 7, 2023 by Weezy1973

[Stret]

4 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Her dumping you is completely (and I mean completely) on her. I

It was a trauma response. And no it is not completely on her, it is completely on him because he is the one that showed the propensity to stray (at least that's what it looks like to her) and she was probably in shock to learn this side of him. 

[Weezy1973]

Just now, Stret said:

It was a trauma response. And no it is not completely on her, it is completely on him because he is the one that showed the propensity to stray (at least that's what it looks like to her) and she was probably in shock to learn this side of him. 

The person doing the dumping is always responsible for the dumping. We’re responsible for our own actions. None of the women I broke up with caused me to break up with them. I broke up with them because I no longer wanted to be with them. The reasons are irrelevant. If she no longer wants to be with him due to this, that’s the reason, but she’s still responsible for the break up.

[George82]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

The person doing the dumping is always responsible for the dumping. We’re responsible for our own actions. None of the women I broke up with caused me to break up with them. I broke up with them because I no longer wanted to be with them. The reasons are irrelevant. If she no longer wants to be with him due to this, that’s the reason, but she’s still responsible for the break up.

I’m just off the phone to her, we spoke for 90 mins. She reached out to me, my instinct was to not reply but I did and then she called me. Things aren’t sorted, far from it. I’ve left the ball in her court though if she wants to contact me again. It’s a start though and I certainly won’t get my hopes up. I still intend to give her space and time, I really wasn’t expecting to hear from her. Before someone asks, she hasn’t been drinking and called, she doesn’t drink she just wanted to talk. 

[MsJayne]

Each to their own, but there's a lot of women who don't want to date someone who spends their time checking out women in their knickers on social media. It demonstrates a lack of respect for women in general, (and that goes for the women who post the pics as well, not just the men who look at them). It doesn't matter that your 'likes' were from ages ago, it could be just the fact that you see women as sex objects that makes her want to get as far away from you as possible. It's not even sexual, it's an intellectual thing. 

[George82]

1 minute ago, MsJayne said:

Each to their own, but there's a lot of women who don't want to date someone who spends their time checking out women in their knickers on social media. It demonstrates a lack of respect for women in general, (and that goes for the women who post the pics as well, not just the men who look at them). It doesn't matter that your 'likes' were from ages ago, it could be just the fact that you see women as sex objects that makes her want to get as far away from you as possible. It's not even sexual, it's an intellectual thing. 

Liking 2 photos over a number of years hardly suggests I spend my time doing that does it? I’ve no reason to paint a false narrative on here but it genuinely was just 2 pics. You’re very much jumping to conclusions here, I could give you multiple examples that show I’m not into that type of thing but I don’t feel I need to justify myself. I’ve been open and honest, I certainly don’t have a lack of respect for women. Yeah I’ve made a mistake, but liking 2 photos doesn’t define me as a person. 

[Stret]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

The person doing the dumping is always responsible for the dumping. We’re responsible for our own actions. None of the women I broke up with caused me to break up with them. I broke up with them because I no longer wanted to be with them. The reasons are irrelevant. If she no longer wants to be with him due to this, that’s the reason, but she’s still responsible for the break up.

So if he were beating her up and she broke up with him, it is all on her and her responsibility for the break up? Your logic is completely skewed. 

[MsJayne]

23 minutes ago, George82 said:

Liking 2 photos over a number of years hardly suggests I spend my time doing that does it? I’ve no reason to paint a false narrative on here but it genuinely was just 2 pics. You’re very much jumping to conclusions here, I could give you multiple examples that show I’m not into that type of thing but I don’t feel I need to justify myself. I’ve been open and honest, I certainly don’t have a lack of respect for women. Yeah I’ve made a mistake, but liking 2 photos doesn’t define me as a person. 

No, it doesn't define you as a person, but it's enough to make a partner wonder whether they can trust you. If my partner had a social media friend who was a model who posted pictures of herself in her undies, that alone would make me question what sort of person he was. You can judge a man by the company he keeps  .  You have to understand that from a woman's point of view, (a woman with genuine self respect, that is), females who prance about in their knickers on the internet, looking for attention from random men, have set back the women's equality movement by decades and also promote misogyny with their insatiable need for sexual attention, and so some women see them as traitors to their own sex. The men who encourage them are just as guilty.  Maybe that's what your ex is angry about. 

Edited January 7, 2023 by MsJayne
Part missing

[Weezy1973]

10 minutes ago, Stret said:

So if he were beating her up and she broke up with him, it is all on her and her responsibility for the break up? 

Yes, she is responsible for the break up. And breaking up is the best possible thing in that case. Too many people stay in abusive relationships instead of breaking up. In no way am I saying breaking up is bad. But, unless a break up is mutual, the person doing the breaking up is responsible for the break up. 

[George82]

4 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

No, it doesn't define you as a person, but it's enough to make a partner wonder whether they can trust you. If my partner had a social media friend who was a model who posted pictures of herself in her undies, that alone would make me question what sort of person he was. You can judge a man by the company he keeps  /cdn-cgi/mirage/836e8dbb51e22c9800e9935812d1eda984a02f8c13553c75fcec6ea65174b36b/1280/https://www.loveshack.org/content/emoticons/smile.gif.365fdc925ab7f51a9626f13390a96867.gif.  You have to understand that from a woman's point of view, (a woman with genuine self respect, that is), females who prance about in their knickers on the internet, looking for attention from random men, have set back the women's equality movement by decades and also promote misogyny with their insatiable need for sexual attention, and so some women see them as traitors to their own sex. The men who encourage them are just as guilty.  Maybe that's what you ex is angry about. 

Yeah and I totally get why it would lead her to wonder if there’s other things to worry about with regards to me. There isn’t, but I understand why my actions have lead her to have those thoughts. I’ve known the girl for over 20 years and only the last few she’s been a model. Again doesn’t make it right and I’m not trying to defend myself, I’ve openly admitted I’ve made an error and I’m in the wrong. 

[Alvi]

5 hours ago, George82 said:

I’m just off the phone to her, we spoke for 90 mins. She reached out to me, my instinct was to not reply but I did and then she called me. Things aren’t sorted, far from it. I’ve left the ball in her court though if she wants to contact me again. It’s a start though and I certainly won’t get my hopes up. I still intend to give her space and time, I really wasn’t expecting to hear from her. Before someone asks, she hasn’t been drinking and called, she doesn’t drink she just wanted to talk

OK, what did she tell you during this phone call? I can't believe that after 4 years someone would dump a partner over social media likes without giving another person a chance to explain. Did she mention other things in the relationship that were bothering her? 

Also, I can't help but wonder why there is so little progression in your relationship. I mean, the two of you are (or were) just a boyfriend and a girlfriend after 4 years of being together. The two of you didn't live together, there were no plans to get married. You've mentioned that both of you have kids so that could explain it somewhat. But still, people with kids from previous relationships do manage to figure out how to mesh their lives together somehow. How come your lives were not more intervened after 4 years of dating? Did either or both of you were dragging your feet to make things more official? You probably feel different but there was very little commitment there. One person can leave at any time unless you are married (well, you can leave if you are married too but it is a bit harder and takes more consideration). Which she did I suppose. But I think that there probably was a combination of things why she left. Liking a scantly clad woman on the social media was probably the very last straw for her.

P.S. You said that you don't remember liking that woman on IG. OK, how did that happen?

[Acacia98]

8 hours ago, Stret said:

So if he were beating her up and she broke up with him, it is all on her and her responsibility for the break up? Your logic is completely skewed. 

If he were hitting her, that would be an abusive relationship. Her choice to break up with him would rightly be viewed as her "taking back her power." And we would celebrate it as a positive thing. We would not say he ended the toxic relationship. We'd say she ended it.

[George82]

8 hours ago, Alvi said:

OK, what did she tell you during this phone call? I can't believe that after 4 years someone would dump a partner over social media likes without giving another person a chance to explain. Did she mention other things in the relationship that were bothering her? 

Also, I can't help but wonder why there is so little progression in your relationship. I mean, the two of you are (or were) just a boyfriend and a girlfriend after 4 years of being together. The two of you didn't live together, there were no plans to get married. You've mentioned that both of you have kids so that could explain it somewhat. But still, people with kids from previous relationships do manage to figure out how to mesh their lives together somehow. How come your lives were not more intervened after 4 years of dating? Did either or both of you were dragging your feet to make things more official? You probably feel different but there was very little commitment there. One person can leave at any time unless you are married (well, you can leave if you are married too but it is a bit harder and takes more consideration). Which she did I suppose. But I think that there probably was a combination of things why she left. Liking a scantly clad woman on the social media was probably the very last straw for her.

P.S. You said that you don't remember liking that woman on IG. OK, how did that happen?

We spoke mostly about her feelings and how my actions had made her feel. I tried to reassure her as best I could, she opened up about being made to feel worthless in previous relationships and this brought that all back. I’ve never made her feel like that (until now). I pay her compliments daily and I mean them, I show her love and affection constantly too. I understand why her coming across these photos has made her feel this way. She says she doesn’t want to lose me but not sure she can get over this. We’ve exchanged a couple of messages this morning, but the situation still remains the same. I’m hopeful though as she reached out to me and has unblocked me that we’ll be able to reconcile things in time. 
 

 

The house situation is more of a financial thing, between us we have 6 kids and she’s currently trying to build her business up. So buying a house that would fit us all in isn’t an option at the moment. Luckily with our jobs we get a lot of time off work and get to spend a lot of quality time together. In fact with the kids, work etc we actually have a pretty good balance. 
 

As for not remembering, I honestly just can’t recall liking them. If it was just one pic I’d have been sure it was a mistake, the fact it was 2 would suggest otherwise. I don’t go on the woman’s page, they would have came up on my news feed and I’ve liked them whilst scrolling past. I wish I could say why I did it, I’ve no reason to lie on here but I really don’t have any feelings or attraction to her. I’ve since removed her from IG and then actually deactivated my account as my posts all contain photos of me and ex and I couldn’t bare to look at them or delete them. 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, George82 said:

. I’m hopeful though as she reached out to me and has unblocked me that we’ll be able to reconcile things in time. 

That's good news. Keep the lines of communication open, but let her come to you. Try not to overdo "reassuring", it can make matters worse by seeming patronizing. Just let her talk and get things off her chest. 

[George82]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's good news. Keep the lines of communication open, but let her come to you. Try not to overdo "reassuring", it can make matters worse by seeming patronizing. Just let her talk and get things off her chest. 

Knowing how she’d been made to feel worthless before, especially in her most recent relationship made me understand things a lot more. Her last partner never paid her any compliments, would often compliment his ex and was very touchy feely with other women when they were out. Seeing id liked those photos brought those feelings back and caused her a great deal of hurt. She’s knows I’m nothing like her ex, and I deeply regret the hurt Ive cause her. It’s something I’ll never allow to happen again if we get back together. It wasn’t an easy conversation but we spoke for over 100 mins, and only ended the call due to her daughter needing her assistance with something. I’ll leave the ball in her court for when we speak again. My heads still all over the place, wondering what’s going on in her head, worried that the longer we don’t speak or are apart she’ll be gradually moving on. Although if she’s feeling like I am I don’t think that will be the case. Only time will tell.  

[giotto]

I have to ask you, OP... do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a woman that gets triggered so easily? What is she going to do next? Think about it.

[George82]

18 minutes ago, giotto said:

I have to ask you, OP... do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a woman that gets triggered so easily? What is she going to do next? Think about it.

Others have said that, but some agree her reaction is vindicated. I’d rather work on it and get to the bottom of it, how we do that I don’t know. 

[giotto]

6 minutes ago, George82 said:

Others have said that, but some agree her reaction is vindicated. I’d rather work on it and get to the bottom of it, how we do that I don’t know. 

Fair enough... personally, I couldn't live on eggshells... 

[Alpacalia]

If your girlfriend was getting enough attention in your relationship and you're not just using likes for one supermodel-hot girl, I'd say this isn’t anything to worry about. Even if it is a supermodel-hot girl photo.

As a general rule, it’s never good to point fingers without trying to get in touch with the real issue. After all, if she truly thinks you're cheating, she probably thinks that for reasons beyond a photo, right?

Liking other women’s sexy pictures on Instagram may be considered normal if you're liking a family member’s or close friend’s photo or if you have previously agreed that this is acceptable. In contrast, when you seek out women specifically for lingerie viewing and liking, it is understandable that she would feel hurt and betrayed. It's taking time from your relationship to focus on other women in sexy clothing.

Edited January 8, 2023 by Alpacalia

[George82]

39 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

If your girlfriend was getting enough attention in your relationship and you're not just using likes for one supermodel-hot girl, I'd say this isn’t anything to worry about. Even if it is a supermodel-hot girl photo.

As a general rule, it’s never good to point fingers without trying to get in touch with the real issue. After all, if she truly thinks you're cheating, she probably thinks that for reasons beyond a photo, right?

Liking other women’s lingerie pictures on Instagram may be considered normal if you're liking a family member’s or close friend’s photo (which would still be rather odd all things considered) or if you have previously agreed that this is acceptable.

If you are seeking out women specifically in lingerie just to view and like, it is understandable that she would feel hurt and betrayed.

It's taking time from your relationship to focus on other women in sexy clothing.

I give my partner lots of love and affection, and I get lots of love and affection in return. I came from a marriage, where there was zero of that and my wife gradually chipped away at my confidence, it was a toxic relationship. I know how it feels to be made to feel worthless, so would never do that to someone else. 
 

I can honestly say that’s not the case, I don’t seek out images like this to look, I’ve never been in to it that type of thing. It really was just the 2 photos, it has lead my gf to wonder what else she’d find if she looked further, which is absolutely nothing. After speaking to her last night I know that how she’s been treated in the past is affecting how she’s feeling over this just now. 
 

I’m not sure why when I scrolled through my news feed I liked the 2 photos. Had it just been one pic I’d have been certain it was accidental, it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve accidentally double tapped a photo (not a photo like this, just a normal pic) The fact it’s 2 would suggest it’s not been a mistake, but I can’t think why I liked them at that moment in time. One was last year and the other a year before that. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, George82 said:

I give my partner lots of love and affection, and I get lots of love and affection in return. I came from a marriage, where there was zero of that and my wife gradually chipped away at my confidence, it was a toxic relationship. I know how it feels to be made to feel worthless, so would never do that to someone else. 
 

I can honestly say that’s not the case, I don’t seek out images like this to look, I’ve never been in to it that type of thing. It really was just the 2 photos, it has lead my gf to wonder what else she’d find if she looked further, which is absolutely nothing. After speaking to her last night I know that how she’s been treated in the past is affecting how she’s feeling over this just now. 
 

I’m not sure why when I scrolled through my news feed I liked the 2 photos. Had it just been one pic I’d have been certain it was accidental, it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve accidentally double tapped a photo (not a photo like this, just a normal pic) The fact it’s 2 would suggest it’s not been a mistake, but I can’t think why I liked them at that moment in time. One was last year and the other a year before that. 

Considering your relationship has otherwise been strong and good, it's quite a visceral reaction on her part to break up so abruptly.

It's one thing if they appear on your feed and you like them.

If you look them out actively, a different picture emerges. I can't say though based on what you've written that that seems to be the case.

If I may ask, what motivated you to leave Facebook? Your negative experience with it was mentioned. In what way?

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, George82 said:

After speaking to her last night I know that how she’s been treated in the past is affecting how she’s feeling over this just now. 

Right, so you can stop beating yourself up so much. Liking those photos isn’t great but for the vast majority of folks in a 4 year relationship it would lead to a discussion, not a break up. We can’t control our partners’ histories and at some point it’s up to her to work through what happened in her previous relationship. That’s not your responsibility.