Breakup of relationship

[George82]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're in a tough spot because the breakup was rather sudden, abrupt and disproportionate to the situation.

At some point you'll have to stop letting her dangle the carrot and stick of reconciliation in order to keep beating you up over this.

I too suspect that this tsunami of pain she is venting about is some of her past being unleashed on you.

Try to step back and limit how much "venting" you're willing to put up with.

I do believe her being triggered like this has been the result of her 2 previous relationships, and how she was treated. Both of those were a lot worse than this. She accused me of being just the same as her exes when she first discovered the 2 photos. When I brought it up a few days later and hinted about past events, she got straight on the defensive and said the past has nothing to do with this. I don’t believe that to be true. I really do think counselling would help us both and help her with past trauma. She isn’t against it, but says it would be a last resort. 

[Acacia98]

George82, if she needs time to get over what happened and not feel like a chump for forgiving you, I'm not sure how daily talks are going to allow her to do that. I also think you risk slipping into the patterns of your former relationship, where your ex mistreated you. 

She seems to need time to figure stuff out. So you should give her all the time in the world she needs to figure stuff out. And then when she makes her decision, she can reach out to you. Until then, keep communication to the bare minimum: stuff concerning the kids.

For now, she can allow her mind to go in a million different directions if that's what she needs to do. But you should not accompany her on that rollercoaster. When she finally makes her decision, she can tell you what it is. If she wants to reconcile and you're on the same page, you can work on that together. If she wants to reconcile and you've decided otherwise, well, that's an adjustment she'll have to make. And if she doesn't want to reconcile, you guys can do what you need to do to formally end the relationship.

You would probably benefit from some individual counselling (if it's within your reach) during this difficult time.

 

 

[George82]

2 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

George82, if she needs time to get over what happened and not feel like a chump for forgiving you, I'm not sure how daily talks are going to allow her to do that. I also think you risk slipping into the patterns of your former relationship, where your ex mistreated you. 

She seems to need time to figure stuff out. So you should give her all the time in the world she needs to figure stuff out. And then when she makes her decision, she can reach out to you. Until then, keep communication to the bare minimum: stuff concerning the kids.

For now, she can allow her mind to go in a million different directions if that's what she needs to do. But you should not accompany her on that rollercoaster. When she finally makes her decision, she can tell you what it is. If she wants to reconcile and you're on the same page, you can work on that together. If she wants to reconcile and you've decided otherwise, well, that's an adjustment she'll have to make. And if she doesn't want to reconcile, you guys can do what you need to do to formally end the relationship.

You would probably benefit from some individual counselling (if it's within your reach) during this difficult time.

 

 

I know in her mind she’s got me where she wants me, she’s in total control. I spent my marriage walking on eggshells, and I don’t want to end up in another relationship like that.  It was horrible, I stuck it out for as long as I could for the kids, I wish I’d have left a lot sooner in hindsight. 
 

like I said I’ve got the kids next few days so they will get my full attention and see how my ex is feeling after the weekend. If it’s still this scenario and she’s still in the same mindset, then I think for my own sanity I just need to give up on us and begin to move on myself. 
 

I do feel like reaching out to someone with expertise in this field. I’ve taken a lot from you guys on here and it’s been a big help listening to others points of view and the support from all has been greatly appreciated. 

[Acacia98]

On 1/9/2023 at 4:16 PM, George82 said:

She has never went to therapy, and didn’t have a rough up bringing. Her dad is a very stubborn man and has treated her mum poorly, even recently, he’s very controlling of her mum and this causes her a lot of upset recently. But she always indicated she had a happy childhood. The most traumatic events in her life were her husband cheating on her, something she expected for a while and then found out to be true. Then her last relationship being treated poorly and made to feel inadequate.

Almost everybody I know who declares they had a happy childhood proceeds to describe their parents as having an abusive or toxic dynamic. So I tend to assume they fail to connect the dots between their "happy" childhoods and their relationship troubles in adulthood as some kind of coping mechanism.

[George82]

1 minute ago, Acacia98 said:

Almost everybody I know who declares they had a happy childhood proceeds to describe their parents as having an abusive or toxic dynamic. So I tend to assume they fail to connect the dots between their "happy" childhoods and their relationship troubles in adulthood as some kind of coping mechanism.

Her mum and dad don’t have a healthy relationship at all, her dad is very controlling over the mum. She did something he didn’t like recently and he confiscated her phone, watch, car and bank card. My ex recognises that as terrible behaviour and knows it’s not healthy, everyone is scared to take the dad to task on it. Then eventually he backs down and it’s as if it never happened and everyone carries on as normal. 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, George82 said:

Yeah you’re 100 percent right, it’s just messed with my head like nothing else I’ve known before. The longer it’s going I’m questioning whether I’ll feel the same if and when we do reconcile. 

Yes. Try to resist the urge to analyze her and the relationship. Put the focus back on you and your health.

Edited January 13, 2023 by Alpacalia

[George82]

11 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Yes. Try to resist the urge to analyze her and the relationship. Put the focus back on you and your health.

Got 9 hours sleep last night which is the most I’ve had in well over a week. Got a busy day ahead, starting with the park run with my youngest son. No more moping about

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, George82 said:

Got 9 hours sleep last night which is the most I’ve had in well over a week. Got a busy day ahead, starting with the park run with my youngest son. No more moping about

High five! ✋

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, George82 said:

Got 9 hours sleep last night which is the most I’ve had in well over a week. Got a busy day ahead, starting with the park run with my youngest son. No more moping about

Excellent! 😄

[George82]

Thanks, it’s amazing how the words and support of strangers can help give you a lift. Really appreciate it. Just through watching my daughter play football now, then we’re going to have a celebration dinner for my new job. I realise I’ve a lot to be thankful for, and what will be will be with my ex. 

[glows]

Absolutely - look at the positives in your life. It won’t always be tough like this but the first step is recognizing when a situation is not going to change and certainly not to the extent you need it to in order to live peacefully. If she really is so disturbed and broken up she’ll likely take years and years of therapy to work through all her issues. 

Your job is to continue being a good dad and screen any dates more thoroughly in future. Avoid incompatibilities, emotional wrecks, hot/cold, lack of trust situations, knee jerk reactions and overall inconsiderate or thoughtless individuals.

Also work on your motivators and things that interest you aside from the obvious - work, family and so on. Stay away from the superfluous. It was liking a couple of posts that you agreed went outside of your character at one point. You seem bored at times and I could be wrong. Fill your days up with purposeful interests and endeavours. Go outside the box and try new hobbies, join meet ups and organizations that suit your goals, tastes, interests. Meet people. I think we can all learn from one another.

You alone know what you need so don’t be afraid to pursue that. 

Edited January 14, 2023 by glows

[George82]

56 minutes ago, glows said:

Absolutely - look at the positives in your life. It won’t always be tough like this but the first step is recognizing when a situation is not going to change and certainly not to the extent you need it to in order to live peacefully. If she really is so disturbed and broken up she’ll likely take years and years of therapy to work through all her issues. 

Your job is to continue being a good dad and screen any dates more thoroughly in future. Avoid incompatibilities, emotional wrecks, hot/cold, lack of trust situations, knee jerk reactions and overall inconsiderate or thoughtless individuals.

Also work on your motivators and things that interest you aside from the obvious - work, family and so on. Stay away from the superfluous. It was liking a couple of posts that you agreed went outside of your character at one point. You seem bored at times and I could be wrong. Fill your days up with purposeful interests and endeavours. Go outside the box and try new hobbies, join meet ups and organizations that suit your goals, tastes, interests. Meet people. I think we can all learn from one another.

You alone know what you need so don’t be afraid to pursue that. 

Yeah, I can’t be left handing on the end of a string. I know it’s still early days, but just now it feels like this is never ending. I’ve admitted I was wrong, I’ve apologised and I've tried not to undermine her feelings/reaction. I can’t do anything else, it’s up to her now if she can forgive and forget, it not then we go our separate ways as hard as that will be. 
 

I’ll just spend my time concentrating on the kids, work and friends/family.  My marriage turned toxic and it took me a while to get over that, I still have insecurities from it in all honesty. I thought I’d found something special this time, sadly I was wrong. I can’t see me entering the dating pool for a long long time after this.  
 

I’ve started back my running again, and will get back to my gym classes too. Thanks again for another great post, it means a lot. 

[glows]

Exercise is a great way to boost your endorphins and get your heart rate up. It’s good you’re doing things to help yourself feel good. One of the best ways is to just get up and get going. 

You have boundaries so keep them in place. Those are hard earned ones coming from a previous marriage so you know what it takes to walk away from something that no longer works.

Seems you have compassion for her but turn more of that into compassion for yourself and your kids. You’re allowed to walk away and move on without putting yourself at risk or in danger of more hurt or paying the price of someone else’s issues. 

Staying in contact with her isn’t going to help your situation so at some point figure out when it’s best to block her and move on. You might want to think twice about leaving that door open and what it means to your own well-being should she suddenly realize she wants to reconcile or can forgive you. The issue is the danger of this happening again where she ends your life together as a couple and takes an unusual length of time to work through minor bumps. 

[George82]

41 minutes ago, glows said:

Exercise is a great way to boost your endorphins and get your heart rate up. It’s good you’re doing things to help yourself feel good. One of the best ways is to just get up and get going. 

You have boundaries so keep them in place. Those are hard earned ones coming from a previous marriage so you know what it takes to walk away from something that no longer works.

Seems you have compassion for her but turn more of that into compassion for yourself and your kids. You’re allowed to walk away and move on without putting yourself at risk or in danger of more hurt or paying the price of someone else’s issues. 

Staying in contact with her isn’t going to help your situation so at some point figure out when it’s best to block her and move on. You might want to think twice about leaving that door open and what it means to your own well-being should she suddenly realize she wants to reconcile or can forgive you. The issue is the danger of this happening again where she ends your life together as a couple and takes an unusual length of time to work through minor bumps. 

Yeah, when I moved out the family home years ago and the days I didn’t have the kids I didn’t know what to do with myself. So often ended up drinking, which was the worst thing I could do and took a while to break out of that spiral. I’m not falling in to that trap again, I felt 100 times better getting up and going for a run this morning than waking up hungover. 
 

I do have a lot of compassion for her as I care for her deeply, I’m worried about her too. I know she’s had issues in previous relationships, but the last couple of days I’ve realised I’ve only ever heard her side of events. 

Stopping contact is hard, but I’m not sure I could put myself through this again 

[glows]

Yes, definitely watch the alcohol and caffeine. You’re doing fine. You may not have reached the point of blocking her but eventually when you start asking yourself what you want out of life and realizing she’s not really contributing to any of it your mind may change.

[George82]

On 1/14/2023 at 6:34 PM, glows said:

Yes, definitely watch the alcohol and caffeine. You’re doing fine. You may not have reached the point of blocking her but eventually when you start asking yourself what you want out of life and realizing she’s not really contributing to any of it your mind may change.

Hi, just an update. We’ve been talking and spent some time together. It’s still early days and the signs are positive. We’ve spoke and not dwelled on the photos. Seeing them has had a negative impact on her self esteem, and I hate that I’ve caused her to feel that way. We’re moving in the right direction though which is good. My emotions are still raw and a bit all over the place though. 

[ExpatInItaly]

All of this over a couple social media likes?

I'd seriously be re-evaluating her ability to weather the storms in a relationship without completely over-reacting and throwing the baby out with the bathwater.  There is having insecurity, and then there is being punitive and manipulative and treating you like a cheating scoundrel (which you are not) Now you're talking like you two are reconciling after an affair or something. It's all rather absurd. 

I would be wary of her, if I were you. This all doesn't bode well for a real future together. 

[FMW]

On 1/13/2023 at 1:09 PM, George82 said:

I spent my marriage walking on eggshells, and I don’t want to end up in another relationship like that.

I agree with the others who say to stop analyzing her and focus on yourself.  One part of that focus is understanding the dynamic of your former marriage.  We tend to repeat relationship patterns.  Even though the details may be different, it sounds like your current relationship has you repeating at least one behavior, allowing your partner to control you with her emotions.  This partner may seem very different to your ex-wife on the surface (or not), but there might be a common trait or dysfunction that plays out the same. 

Her issues from her past relationships are her own to resolve.  Don't keep yourself in the position of being on the receiving end of her inability to deal with her insecurities.  What you have to deal with is your own willingness to continue accepting her response to this situation.  

[glows]

16 hours ago, George82 said:

Hi, just an update. We’ve been talking and spent some time together. It’s still early days and the signs are positive. We’ve spoke and not dwelled on the photos. Seeing them has had a negative impact on her self esteem, and I hate that I’ve caused her to feel that way. We’re moving in the right direction though which is good. My emotions are still raw and a bit all over the place though. 

Staying with her may continue to conjure up feelings of guilt. Inevitable as you fully admit you were in the wrong for liking those photos as it pushed the boundaries in your relationship. Should you wish to continue with her just recognize that and consider how long you both want to feel miserable. This rut you’re both in needs to be over. 

Life is so, so, so incredibly brief and fleeting. We have a tendency to tunnel vision when things go wrong. Always widen your perspective just about 10,000x and look at things with a bigger lens. How much of a certain way do you want to live? How much time to dedicate to x emotion or situation? Don’t make the mistake that time goes on forever or waste your youth on repeat mistakes. I hope things change and work out for you both.