Breakup of relationship

[George82]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

You mentionned you were both married before and have children so you are not new to life. Why middle aged men need to be on IG is beyond me. If during our relationship my bf liked bikini pictures of a model he knows personally, l would flip. 

What is important to you? Re-assess your priority. If this woman is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with then delete IG. Stop waiting she uses social media to contact you, go knock at her door. 

Hi, I appreciate your input. I don’t use social media very often, I deleted Facebook a while ago. Ironically went back on IG as my partner liked to share things with me. I get it was wrong of me to like those photos, I genuinely done recall liking them, and I’ve not reason to sugarcoat things on here, that’s the truth. It was 2 photos out of literally thousands she posted, that doesn’t make it right but surely shows I have no feelings for this girl, which I don’t. 
 

I’ve now came off IG as well now. She is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, I’ve never been more certain of anything. I’ll give her space and time though before I consider going to see her again. I don’t know how long is a reasonable time to wait though? One week, 2 weeks? 

[Stret]

1 hour ago, George82 said:

But genuinely have no feelings for her or don’t find her attractive,

That you don't find her attractive is a hard line to sell/buy. She's a model posing in underwear, you liked her photos... Men usually find women like that attractive. 
For me it is clear that she didn't break up with you just over you liking the photos of a half-naked woman that you know, but because of what it symbolises and tells about you. A guy who is still on that level is usually not over some things, is disrespectful towards his partner, and it is all in all not a decent and mature behaviour. Very uncool and unattractive for a woman who is serious about relationships and doesn't want to deal with BS of this kind. It's like having a teenager that you need to keep an eye on and nobody needs that kind of stress. "I don't remember liking them, I don't know why I did it" is exactly like a teenage son talk to get out of trouble. I'm with her on this one. 

[George82]

6 minutes ago, Stret said:

That you don't find her attractive is a hard line to sell/buy. She's a model posing in underwear, you liked her photos... Men usually find women like that attractive. 
For me it is clear that she didn't break up with you just over you liking the photos of a half-naked woman that you know, but because of what it symbolises and tells about you. A guy who is still on that level is usually not over some things, is disrespectful towards his partner, and it is all in all not a decent and mature behaviour. Very uncool and unattractive for a woman who is serious about relationships and doesn't want to deal with BS of this kind. It's like having a teenager that you need to keep an eye on and nobody needs that kind of stress. "I don't remember liking them, I don't know why I did it" is exactly like a teenage son talk to get out of trouble. I'm with her on this one. 

I totally get all you’re saying there, and nobody is more annoyed at myself than me. Like I said,  I’m not gaining anything by coming on here and painting a false narrative. I genuinely don’t find the girl attractive, I never have. I wish I could remember liking the photos, I really do but I can’t remember sitting scrolling and them popping up and me thinking she looked hot. Not that I need to justify myself on here but im not that type of guy, I don’t look at porn, only fans anything of that sort. It doesn’t interest me in anyway, surely liking 2 pics doesn’t define me as a person? It was silly and I regret it massively, but it is out of character for me. 

[Weezy1973]

36 minutes ago, George82 said:

surely liking 2 pics doesn’t define me as a person?

It does not. But for her, in this moment, it does. So time and space as most have been advising. She is going to have realize it doesn’t as well. You did like those pics and in her mind it showed her a side of you she didn’t think existed. You have to let her deal with that and figure things out on her own. And realize she may not be able to. Although this is a small, insignificant thing, to her it’s huge. 

[George82]

1 minute ago, Weezy1973 said:

It does not. But for her, in this moment, it does. So time and space as most have been advising. She is going to have realize it doesn’t as well. You did like those pics and in her mind it showed her a side of you she didn’t think existed. You have to let her deal with that and figure things out on her own. And realize she may not be able to. Although this is a small, insignificant thing, to her it’s huge. 

Yeah I get to her it’s huge and I would never try to play it down or undermine how she’s feeling about. I know people can’t help how they feel, what’s a small thing to someone can be massive to someone else. I’ll be honest I’d have been a bit miffed myself, and hurt. I wouldn’t have reacted in this manner, but we’re all different. I’m gutted that my actions have caused her this pain and ultimately my relationship

[glows]

Respect her wishes and don’t reach out. I seriously doubt this is all there is to the story on her end. There may be things about you she sees and doesn’t like or disagrees with.

Listing all of them out in a break up is usually counterproductive especially if the other person just needs to end it and not debate. Break ups are not a negotiating process and she doesn’t actually owe you an entire explanation of why she doesn’t want to be with you. 

Use the time now to focus on you. You are not living together, you have no kids together. Do not contact her family or friends as it’s disrespectful, showing you cannot respect her decision and are willing to bring third parties into the situation to plead your case. She’s entitled to her wants, choices and desires so respect that. 

I’m sorry you’re in pain. Now is also a good time to reflect on your choices and what you’re looking for in a partner. This might not be it so pull the wool off your eyes. You both appear incompatible and don’t communicate well if you genuinely have no clue why she doesn’t want to be with you or if you cannot accept what she’s saying.

[George82]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

Respect her wishes and don’t reach out. I seriously doubt this is all there is to the story on her end. There may be things about you she sees and doesn’t like or disagrees with.

Listing all of them out in a break up is usually counterproductive especially if the other person just needs to end it and not debate. Break ups are not a negotiating process and she doesn’t actually owe you an entire explanation of why she doesn’t want to be with you. 

Use the time now to focus on you. You are not living together, you have no kids together. Do not contact her family or friends as it’s disrespectful, showing you cannot respect her decision and are willing to bring third parties into the situation to plead your case. She’s entitled to her wants, choices and desires so respect that. 

I’m sorry you’re in pain. Now is also a good time to reflect on your choices and what you’re looking for in a partner. This might not be it so pull the wool off your eyes. You both appear incompatible and don’t communicate well if you genuinely have no clue why she doesn’t want to be with you or if you cannot accept what she’s saying.

I can only take what shes telling me at face value and it’s purely down to these photos, she thinks I’m sleazy because I’ve liked them and that I’ve disrespected her. I have disrespected her by liking those 2 photos, I’m not sleazy though, far from it. We had communication issues early in the relationship and we both worked on them. The last year any issue that’s popped up we’ve spoke about open and honestly, not that there’s been many issues but there will be things from time to time. It was the making of us to be honest, that’s why im so furious with myself for putting us in this position and can’t understand why she’s taken such drastic measures 

[glows]

Pardon, what other issues -if you don’t mind me asking.

Often many smaller issues accumulate. You mention the word “sleazy” here which is a fairly strongly negative word. If she finds you sleazy, in other words, not to be trusted, there’s a very high likelihood she is not going to want to list all her issues with you. She has a problem with your character or personality and you’re not compatible. 

Someone else might be more on your wavelength or similar to you and like sexy men in thongs on IG and not bat an eye about this or have as many issues in the relationship. See where I’m going here in terms of compatibility?

[George82]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

Pardon, what other issues -if you don’t mind me asking.

Often many smaller issues accumulate. You mention the word “sleazy” here which is a fairly strongly negative word. If she finds you sleazy, in other words, not to be trusted, there’s a very high likelihood she is not going to want to list all her issues with you. She has a problem with your character or personality and you’re not compatible. 

Someone else might be more on your wavelength or similar to you and like sexy men in thongs on IG and not bat an eye about this or have as many issues in the relationship. See where I’m going here in terms of compatibility?

Yeah, I get what you’re saying. She hasn’t actually called me sleazy, in fact she’s not really called me anything. She’s insinuated it, it wasn’t actually sleazy she said, it was trashy pics she called them. She said she can’t be with someone that’s like that. But honestly that’s not what I’m like, I’ve never liked or commented on anything else like that nor do I have any interest in those types of photos, websites etc. I can’t for the life of me explain why I liked those or what lead to it, I wish I could for my own peace of mind. I get why she doesn’t believe me when I say that, she’s lost trust in me and no doubt thinks I’m hitting her with BS to win her over or something, when that really isn’t the case. I don’t want to really go in to the personal side of our relationship, but we couldn’t be any closer than we were up until she discovered these photos I liked. We were both so loving, caring and affectionate to each other all the time. That’s something that developed early and just continued to grow throughout our relationship. 

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, George82 said:

I know, rightly or wrongly I liked 2 photos. It was silly of me, but I can’t take it back and I can’t even say what lead me to like them. After being together for 4 years, and everything we built together. I don’t deserve to be treated like this, it’s almost as if I don’t even exist to her now. 

I think you've done what you reasonably can to try and initiate a conversation with her for the present. It's best to talk down the road, when she's calmed down and isn't lashing out in anger and is willing to actually let you speak.

For now, it might be worth your while to try and talk about/reflect on the issues that have come up in past years over here. At the very least, it may shed light on your personality types and the dynamic of your relationship.

---

Never mind. I just saw the bit where you said you don't wanna talk about the personal side of your relationship.

Edited January 7, 2023 by Acacia98

[George82]

20 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I think you've done what you reasonably can to try and initiate a conversation with her for the present. It's best to talk down the road, when she's calmed down and isn't lashing out in anger and is willing to actually let you speak.

For now, it might be worth your while to try and talk about/reflect on the issues that have come up in past years over here. At the very least, it may shed light on your personality types and the dynamic of your relationship.

---

Never mind. I just saw the bit where you said you don't wanna talk about the personal side of your relationship.

Thanks I really appreciate the time you’ve taken to reply and the advice that you’ve given.  I messaged her after she left the voice message, I wish I hadn’t, I only asked her what she’d said but still wish I’d stuck to no contact. The balls in her court now, time will tell whether she thinks this is what she really wants. I won’t contact her though, not for a while anyway. I hope in time we can at least have a civil conversation. That conversation won’t involve me begging or pleading with her, as that’s not going to help. 
 

Maybe in time I’ll feel like talking about that side of things, it’s just all very raw just now. 

[glows]

She doesn’t owe you any conversation after a break up. The quicker you realize this the faster your acceptance instead of insisting that you are right or that there didn’t need to be a break up. She clearly believed it was necessary or showed you how upset she is. Not respecting that or accepting that this is over is saying you think you know better than she does and want things your way. 

The thing to keep in mind with relationships is that both of you equally have every right to end it when it no longer works or either one of you feels it’s not something you want to proceed with. 

You don’t wish to discuss other issues here on the forum preceding this disagreement, that’s fine. However ignoring those prior issues or believing it didn’t have an impact is also false or leads to distortion of the larger picture. 

All you need to do is respect her stance and do not expect an explanation. She doesn’t need to discuss anything with you.

[George82]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

She doesn’t owe you any conversation after a break up. The quicker you realize this the faster your acceptance instead of insisting that you are right or that there didn’t need to be a break up. She clearly believed it was necessary or showed you how upset she is. Not respecting that or accepting that this is over is saying you think you know better than she does and want things your way. 

The thing to keep in mind with relationships is that both of you equally have every right to end it when it no longer works or either one of you feels it’s not something you want to proceed with. 

You don’t wish to discuss other issues here on the forum preceding this disagreement, that’s fine. However ignoring those prior issues or believing it didn’t have an impact is also false or leads to distortion of the larger picture. 

All you need to do is respect her stance and do not expect an explanation. She doesn’t need to discuss anything with you.

At no point have I said I know better than she does, I’m only hoping that when she calms down and looks at the bigger picture and not this one instance she’ll have a change of heart. I’d like to try and speak to her when things have calmed down, I haven’t said I expect her to speak to me. If she doesn’t wish to I’ll respect that, as hard as it will be I’ll respect her wishes. 
 

you have no idea of the previous issues, they may or may not have had an impact but due to the nature of them and how long ago they were I don’t believe they have lead to this outcome. 
 

Sorry if I come across like I’m having a go there, and I get as outsiders looking in there’s zero about the full picture you know other than what I’ve put on here. Yes there’s 2 sides to every story, but I’ve been open and honest on here. There’s no point being anything else other than that. I appreciate everyone’s viewpoint, yourself include. Even if it’s some hard truths I might not want to hear, I do appreciate it. I’ve never opened up on a forum like this before, but when I woke this morning I didn’t know where to turn. Sometimes those close to you tell you things they think you want to hear, I guess that’s why I came on here, as I wanted an unbiased opinion/point of view on things. 

[Weezy1973]

@George82 If she is set on the break up I would question whether or not you really want to be with someone who would end what in your eyes at least was a meaningful relationship for such a relatively trivial reason. Perhaps she’s just not commitment minded. She’s had one divorce already. Perhaps for her, relationships just have a shelf life .  If you want a “rest of your life” partner, she wasn’t the one for you. Better to realize that now than pine away hoping she’ll come back to you. 

[George82]

4 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

@George82 If she is set on the break up I would question whether or not you really want to be with someone who would end what in your eyes at least was a meaningful relationship for such a relatively trivial reason. Perhaps she’s just not commitment minded. She’s had one divorce already. Perhaps for her, relationships just have a shelf life .  If you want a “rest of your life” partner, she wasn’t the one for you. Better to realize that now than pine away hoping she’ll come back to you. 

There’s so much going through my head just now and that’s one of the things, if she does get in contact with me somewhere down the line, do I want to give it another go and worry about something else happening to cause such a reaction. I know my actions have caused this, I take full ownership and make no excuses for it. I do believe she seen us being together forever, up until a certain point anyway. She regularly talked about me as being her soulmate and I felt the same about her, I clicked with her in a way I never clicked with anyone else, not even the mother of my children. She spoke regularly of our plans for the future, in great detail and never gave the impression she wanted anything else other than us growing old together. All these things are the reason I took the step to open up on here, if the relationship seemed to have no future, we were drifting apart or it was clear one of us wasn’t feeling it, or even a hint of that I would find it easier to accept and get my head around. 

[Stret]

4 hours ago, George82 said:

I totally get all you’re saying there, and nobody is more annoyed at myself than me. Like I said,  I’m not gaining anything by coming on here and painting a false narrative. I genuinely don’t find the girl attractive, I never have. I wish I could remember liking the photos, I really do but I can’t remember sitting scrolling and them popping up and me thinking she looked hot. Not that I need to justify myself on here but im not that type of guy, I don’t look at porn, only fans anything of that sort. It doesn’t interest me in anyway, surely liking 2 pics doesn’t define me as a person? It was silly and I regret it massively, but it is out of character for me. 

OK, well, because you seem genuinely sorry and because you deleted that woman from your social media, maybe you can reach out to your (ex) gf and tell her that you have done that, that you will never see that woman again, that there was nothing there, and that you will now wait for her to reach out as long as it takes because she is the one for you. Tell her something like that, and then wait for her to make a move.  

I can see how she can be turned off by this especially given her past experiences. But give her a bit of time and be understanding, don't repeat "I don't remember"... it's a ball in her court then. If everything else was ok and she never had any other issues with you of similar kind, then she might calm down later. But I think she is going over what else she doesn't know about you and is feeling distrustful. It is never one isolated thing unless something major. This isn't major but it is indicative. While you wait for her, don't do anything stupid, like go for a vacation or meet with ex, or ... 

Good luck!  

[Weezy1973]

13 minutes ago, George82 said:

 I know my actions have caused this, I take full ownership and make no excuses for it.

Considering some marriages survive things as egregious as infidelity, I’d hesitate to take full blame here. Your actions certainly caused her feelings, but the magnitude of those feelings and the subsequent breakup are all on her. 

Edited January 7, 2023 by Weezy1973

[BrinnM]

15 minutes ago, George82 said:

that’s why I came on here, as I wanted an unbiased opinion/point of view on things. 

I’m more of a pragmatist, so I’m telling you how this is most likely going to play out, assuming that other relationship issues have no impact here (eg those that were hinted at (but not named)):

If you don’t reach out, she’ll most likely come back. Leave her be, respect her decision, and let her rethink the relationship. I’m sure she’ll come around, if there’s nothing more to it than those two “likes”. But if you push, she’ll push back. So don’t do that. She’s mad and disappointed now, and anything you say or try now will only be used against you, will fuel her anger and lead to an argument, which could drive you further apart. 
 

As far as the Likes themselves - I am with your GF when she says she finds those disrespectful, and I agree with many of the posters who say it was immature and unnecessary in addition to disrespectful. You were already together 2 years when those likes happened. Totally not cool. You’re both adults, you’re parents, and you’re in a committed RL, so have some class & knock it off with the “ogling” on social media. You really can’t blame her for making “a big deal out of nothing”, as for her this was an unexpected find that she didn’t plan for, and now she’s confused and feels insulted. She thought you were a different kind of guy, and she’ll now think differently of you (at least for a while). That’s a painful thing to go through, even though there wasn’t a technical betrayal or an affair going on, but it was an inconsiderate thing to do on your part. 
 

 

 

 

[George82]

4 minutes ago, Stret said:

OK, well, because you seem genuinely sorry and because you deleted that woman from your social media, maybe you can reach out to your (ex) gf and tell her that you have done that, that you will never see that woman again, that there was nothing there, and that you will now wait for her to reach out as long as it takes because she is the one for you. Tell her something like that, and then wait for her to make a move.  

I can see how she can be turned off by this especially given her past experiences. But give her a bit of time and be understanding, don't repeat "I don't remember"... it's a ball in her court then. If everything else was ok and she never had any other issues with you of similar kind, then she might calm down later. But I think she is going over what else she doesn't know about you and is feeling distrustful. It is never one isolated thing unless something major. This isn't major but it is indicative. While you wait for her, don't do anything stupid, like go for a vacation or meet with ex, or ... 

Good luck!  

Thank you, a very good post and I appreciate it. 
 

Again as I’ve said before I’ll never undermine or disrespect her feelings on this, even if I disagree with how she’s reacted. It was foolish on my part, very foolish especially as I liked pics of someone I have zero interest in. I can see things from her perspective, I get that she’ll be wondering what else is there that’s she’s maybe missed and all sorts will be going through her head. My natural reaction is to try and reassure her that there’s nothing more than these 2 photos and that despite an act of foolishness I’m still a good person and still the same guy she fell in love with. I understand that time and space is what she’s needs right now. Your natural reaction is to fight for something that means so much to you, but i know now is not the time for that. 

[George82]

10 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Considering some marriages survive things as egregious as infidelity, I’d hesitate to take full blame here. Your actions certainly caused her feelings, but the magnitude of those feelings and the subsequent breakup are all on her. 

Yeah, that was a point I made that other relationships have survived more serious things than this and that we could come through this. It sadly fell on deaf ears but obviously things were still very raw at the time. I’ve fortunately never been cheated on before (that I know of) so haven’t had that feeling of losing trust in someone. I’m disappointed in myself that I’ve caused her to lose trust in me

[George82]

12 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

I’m more of a pragmatist, so I’m telling you how this is most likely going to play out, assuming that other relationship issues have no impact here (eg those that were hinted at (but not named)):

If you don’t reach out, she’ll most likely come back. Leave her be, respect her decision, and let her rethink the relationship. I’m sure she’ll come around, if there’s nothing more to it than those two “likes”. But if you push, she’ll push back. So don’t do that. She’s mad and disappointed now, and anything you say or try now will only be used against you, will fuel her anger and lead to an argument, which could drive you further apart. 
 

As far as the Likes themselves - I am with your GF when she says she finds those disrespectful, and I agree with many of the posters who say it was immature and unnecessary in addition to disrespectful. You were already together 2 years when those likes happened. Totally not cool. You’re both adults, you’re parents, and you’re in a committed RL, so have some class & knock it off with the “ogling” on social media. You really can’t blame her for making “a big deal out of nothing”, as for her this was an unexpected find that she didn’t plan for, and now she’s confused and feels insulted. She thought you were a different kind of guy, and she’ll now think differently of you (at least for a while). That’s a painful thing to go through, even though there wasn’t a technical betrayal or an affair going on, but it was an inconsiderate thing to do on your part. 
 

 

 

 

Hi Brinn thanks for the very open and honest post. The other issues were nothing serious and probably things that most couples don’t experience from time to time, but were a while ago and something we spoke about in length and sorted. The last 12 months were pretty much perfect for us, we had the best year of our 4 together. 
 

I don’t plan on reaching out to her again. I don’t know if you read through the full thread but she left a voice message on WhatsApp at lunchtime today while I was out a run with my son. By the time I got back to the car it had been deleted, I messaged to ask what she’d said but left it at that. I plan on focussing on myself and my kids just now, I’m lucky in the respect I see them most days of the week. 
 

for your last paragraph I agree with everything you have said. 

[BrinnM]

1 minute ago, George82 said:

don’t know if you read through the full thread but she left a voice message

I saw that, and I see it as a good sign, although she deleted it. It means the RL & this whole thing occupies her headspace. She wants to talk about it. Be patient! I’m sure she’ll be back. 

[glows]

What you can do is pay attention to what she says and does. If she doesn’t want to be with you or speak to you that’s all you need to know. 

If you have a need to hear why she doesn’t want to be with you recognize that she doesn’t owe you an explanation - at all. Unfortunately she may think that you won’t take no for an answer and continue to argue your point. You seem more receptive and sympathetic to people telling you the blame is all on her and she may be flighty, irrational, not calm.

I’m more of the mind that people don’t fling out break ups usually unless they’ve thought it through. She may be calm and been thinking about this for awhile yet masking it until she was sure. Going through social media to look for things like this suggests she already had one foot out the door. People don’t do that in secure relationships. 

[George82]

1 minute ago, BrinnM said:

I saw that, and I see it as a good sign, although she deleted it. It means the RL & this whole thing occupies her headspace. She wants to talk about it. Be patient! I’m sure she’ll be back. 

Yeah my sister said at least she’s thinking of me. I know she’ll be hurting just now well, I hate to think of her hurting and knowing that I’ve caused it. 

[glows]

3 minutes ago, George82 said:

Yeah my sister said at least she’s thinking of me. I know she’ll be hurting just now well, I hate to think of her hurting and knowing that I’ve caused it. 

That’s because you still care about someone who has opted to leave. 

She deleted it so count it as no message or desire to talk. Don’t take breadcrumbs as this is what they are. I also think it’s manipulative for her to break up with you and hope you change. I wouldn’t go back to someone like that. When someone opts out believe it the first time.