Breakup of relationship

[glows]

She may just be turned off or her feelings aren’t the same for you. Only she can clarify that. If her feelings have changed I suggest you don’t keep staying in contact or trying to prove yourself. 

 

[George82]

24 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Considering your relationship has otherwise been strong and good, it's quite a visceral reaction on her part to break up so abruptly.

It's one thing if they appear on your feed and you like them.

If you look them out actively, a different picture emerges. I can't say though based on what you've written that that seems to be the case.

If I may ask, what motivated you to leave Facebook? Your negative experience with it was mentioned. In what way?

I know and that’s what makes it harder it to take and also getting tarred with the same brush as her exes.  
 

yeah they appeared on my feed I’ve never looked on her page and scrolled through her pics. 
 

I just grew tired of it, I hated the time I wasted on it and didn’t enjoy going on. I was trying to reduce my time spent on social media, which I’d have deactivated IG as well now and I wouldn’t be in this predicament 

[George82]

21 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Right, so you can stop beating yourself up so much. Liking those photos isn’t great but for the vast majority of folks in a 4 year relationship it would lead to a discussion, not a break up. We can’t control our partners’ histories and at some point it’s up to her to work through what happened in her previous relationship. That’s not your responsibility. 

I know, I’m just the type of person to beat myself up. In my marriage I felt nothing I could was ever good enough, in any conflict I had in my marriage, I’d be the one apologising whether I was in the wrong or not. I feel that’s what I’m doing now as well. 

[Weezy1973]

50 minutes ago, George82 said:

I know, I’m just the type of person to beat myself up. In my marriage I felt nothing I could was ever good enough, in any conflict I had in my marriage, I’d be the one apologising whether I was in the wrong or not. I feel that’s what I’m doing now as well. 

Well to be clear, you did do something “wrong” whether you remember what you did or not. I do think there are many people that aren’t going to feel at least somewhat hurt / insecure if their partner likes a post of their attractive friend posing in underwear. That’s definitely a bad look if you’re in a relationship. 
 

But the level of reaction and the breakup are over the top reactions. She’s taking something that’s maybe a 7 on the egregious meter and making it a 10. Which it is in her mind due to her past. So yes, you should be apologizing, and recognize how this was something that would make her insecure and you clearly didn’t think of her feelings when you liked the pictures. 

[George82]

4 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Well to be clear, you did do something “wrong” whether you remember what you did or not. I do think there are many people that aren’t going to feel at least somewhat hurt / insecure if their partner likes a post of their attractive friend posing in underwear. That’s definitely a bad look if you’re in a relationship. 
 

But the level of reaction and the breakup are over the top reactions. She’s taking something that’s maybe a 7 on the egregious meter and making it a 10. Which it is in her mind due to her past. So yes, you should be apologizing, and recognize how this was something that would make her insecure and you clearly didn’t think of her feelings when you liked the pictures. 

Yeah 100 and I take full accountability for my actions, and realise whether I remember it or not doesn’t really matter. Me saying I don’t remember it isn’t me trying to weasel my way out of it, it’s just the truth. I can totally understand why her finding it has hurt her and lead her to question me. She has very much went from zero to 60 and jumped to other conclusions and is wondering if there’s other pictures like this I’ve liked. There isn’t, I scrolled through years of my likes and these 2 photos were the only ones. 
 

I agree with that, whatever was going through my mind when I hit like I don’t know, but I clearly was being inconsiderate and disrespectful towards my partners feelings. I’m so angry at myself for letting her down and causing her hurt like this. Her minds obviously went off on one and is wondering if there’s anything else like this, I just don’t know how to prove to her that there’s nothing else for her to be concerned about. Like I said I’ve nothing to gain for being dishonest on here and if there was other things then I wouldn’t be on here looking for advice, it would just be my own stupid fault. In all honesty it was just these 2 photos. 

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, George82 said:

I'm not sure why when I scrolled through my news feed I liked the 2 photos. Had it just been one pic I’d have been certain it was accidental, it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve accidentally double tapped a photo (not a photo like this, just a normal pic) The fact it’s 2 would suggest it’s not been a mistake, but I can’t think why I liked them at that moment in time. One was last year and the other a year before that. 

Periodically, I'll come across something I've written or liked on social media. And you know what? I don't remember half of it. I don't remember seeing the picture or post I liked. I don't remember expressing the opinion. I did it, but I just don't remember. I imagine I'm not unique in that way. 

If you genuinely don't remember liking the two pics, it doesn't necessarily mean anything. 

Edited January 8, 2023 by Acacia98

[George82]

21 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Periodically, I'll come across something I've written or liked on social media. And you know what? I don't remember half of it. I don't remember seeing the picture or post I liked. I don't remember expressing the opinion. I did it, but I just don't remember. I imagine I'm not unique in that way. 

If you genuinely don't remember liking the two pics, it doesn't necessarily mean anything. 

Yeah I’m the same, I come across things I don’t recall liking or seeing. Maybe it’s an age thing lol. My kids use my phone often when they’re with me and I see lots of them. I wouldn’t want something on my phone inappropriate they might come across. I’ve never hid my phone from my partner, she knows my password for it and I’ll leave it lying about unattended as I’ve never had anything to hide or worry about. 

[FMW]

I'm guessing there were other issues along the way that were bothering her and you just never realized it.  Maybe she never said anything, or maybe she did and you just didn't take it as something serious.  I'm guessing liking the photos  was probably just a last straw kind of thing, not the only issue.  

If this was the one and only issue, regardless of whether or not you or anyone  else feels it is justified, she made it clear she was bothered enough to feel the need to break up.  

You reached out after she deleted the message you didn't get to read, so I think at this point there's nothing else for you to do.  The only thing you have control over is how (or if) you respond if she does reach out again.  

[Weezy1973]

18 minutes ago, FMW said:

I'm guessing there were other issues along the way that were bothering her and you just never realized it. 

It doesn’t look like it. She called him and basically said this triggered a lot of emotion from how she was treated in her relationship prior to the OP.

 

19 minutes ago, FMW said:

If this was the one and only issue, regardless of whether or not you or anyone  else feels it is justified, she made it clear she was bothered enough to feel the need to break up.  

Exactly. This has very little to do with what the OP did and more to do with the baggage his girlfriend had before entering the relationship. There’s not much he can do about that.

[George82]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

It doesn’t look like it. She called him and basically said this triggered a lot of emotion from how she was treated in her relationship prior to the OP.

 

Exactly. This has very little to do with what the OP did and more to do with the baggage his girlfriend had before entering the relationship. There’s not much he can do about that.

Thanks Weezy, there’s a lot to read through so I’m guessing FMW was just replying to the OP. I wish there was sometime else to it, would be so much easier to comprehend if there was. 

[NuevoYorko]

On 1/7/2023 at 1:40 PM, Stret said:

So if he were beating her up and she broke up with him, it is all on her and her responsibility for the break up? 

I think you're getting hung up on semantics.   Yes, he would have been responsible for his actions (beating, in your example) and also responsible for wrecking the relationship.   But if someone makes a decision to leave and follows through with it, they've taken that action and doing so was their own responsibility.

[Alpacalia]

12 hours ago, George82 said:

I know and that’s what makes it harder it to take and also getting tarred with the same brush as her exes.  
 

yeah they appeared on my feed I’ve never looked on her page and scrolled through her pics. 
 

I just grew tired of it, I hated the time I wasted on it and didn’t enjoy going on. I was trying to reduce my time spent on social media, which I’d have deactivated IG as well now and I wouldn’t be in this predicament 

It's likely she won't inspect your social media accounts unless you regularly liked sexy photos and sent inappropriate messages to women. I am pretty sure that you are not a disrespectful man if the most terrible thing you've ever done is a few random likes on a couple sexy social media photos years apart.

She can be an adult who respects herself and trusts you. Do you see the difference?

It's not necessarily inappropriate to like other girls' pictures. Social media activity is problematic if it hurts her and you don't do anything about it. That would mean that you don’t see the bigger picture.

As much as it's common to want to help her solve her problems, there are a few things you need to keep in mind before you jump on the trust-fixer express and decide to make things all better for her. The work of overcoming trust issues is her job, not yours. Ideally leave the fixing to her and a good therapist.

If you need to tip toe around her? Not good. Love her or not, it's never a good idea to put your own wellbeing and overall happiness at risk. Your goal is to get to a place of equal footing, not set yourself up as an emotional babysitter or a doormat.

 

 

Edited January 9, 2023 by Alpacalia

[basil67]

14 hours ago, George82 said:

Yeah 100 and I take full accountability for my actions, and realise whether I remember it or not doesn’t really matter.

You're over thinking it.  You liked two photos of a friend in skimpies....it's hardly the end of the earth.   At what point are you going to stop beating yourself up and starting focusing on her  being highly strung and overreactive?   Frankly, I think you dodged a bullet

[George82]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

You're over thinking it.  You liked two photos of a friend in skimpies....it's hardly the end of the earth.   At what point are you going to stop beating yourself up and starting focusing on her  being highly strung and overreactive?   Frankly, I think you dodged a bullet

I know, you’re right I can’t keep beating myself up over it. I don’t think what I’ve done is an unforgivable act, and certainly not something worthy of throwing away a 4 year relationship over. I think in time she’d regret it 

[George82]

7 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

It's likely she won't inspect your social media accounts unless you regularly liked sexy photos and sent inappropriate messages to women. I am pretty sure that you are not a disrespectful man if the most terrible thing you've ever done is a few random likes on a couple sexy social media photos years apart.

She can be an adult who respects herself and trusts you. Do you see the difference?

It's not necessarily inappropriate to like other girls' pictures. Social media activity is problematic if it hurts her and you don't do anything about it. That would mean that you don’t see the bigger picture.

As much as it's common to want to help her solve her problems, there are a few things you need to keep in mind before you jump on the trust-fixer express and decide to make things all better for her. The work of overcoming trust issues is her job, not yours. Ideally leave the fixing to her and a good therapist.

If you need to tip toe around her? Not good. Love her or not, it's never a good idea to put your own wellbeing and overall happiness at risk. Your goal is to get to a place of equal footing, not set yourself up as an emotional babysitter or a doormat.

 

 

We just spoke on the phone again there, wasn’t a great call. She doesn’t see a way to fix it at all, certainly not at the moment and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. She feels betrayed and sees me in a different light now over these 2 photos. She said she’d feel like a mug for taking me back and would also feel insecure as well. We were both very upset on the call.
 

For the next while I’m stopping all contact with her as I’m just torturing myself and giving myself false hope. Everything is still raw, hopefully no contact will give her more time to reflect and change her mind. I think it’s maybe too late though. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, George82 said:

. She doesn’t see a way to fix it at all. She feels betrayed and sees me in a different light now 

Yes, stay no contact. Not so she "sees the light" but because you need a break from all this.  Unfortunately you keep minimizing things and thereby dismissed her feelings.

There's a lot more to this than "2 photos I forgot about and didn't mean anything".

Maybe a lot of it is her baggage, maybe she was looking for an exit ramp.

Either way take a break and stop trying to convince her of anything.

[George82]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes, stay no contact. Not so she "sees the light" but because you need a break from all this.  Unfortunately you keep minimizing things and thereby dismissed her feelings.

There's a lot more to this than "2 photos I forgot about and didn't mean anything".

Maybe a lot of it is her baggage, maybe she was looking for an exit ramp.

Either way take a break and stop trying to convince her of anything.

To be fair on the phone I didn’t try to minimise it or brush it off as something meaningless. I acknowledged what I’d done and how it’s impacted her feelings. Contact isn’t good though as it just keeps bringing it all back up again which isn’t good for either of us. Plus just now nothing I can say or do will change anything, especially with everything being so raw. 
 

I need to give myself a time out and start healing and try to accept the relationship is most likely over. 

[Weezy1973]

In the four years you were together did she give any indication that her previous relationship had this much impact on her. Did she ever go to therapy to deal with it? Did she also have a rough childhood? It just seem like she has no resiliency whatsoever, but it also seems like these trust issues would have been exposed earlier in the relationship. 
 

Or she was looking for a reason to break up for awhile. Either way, no contact and starting the grieving process for the end of the relationship seems like the best course of action. 

[George82]

1 minute ago, Weezy1973 said:

In the four years you were together did she give any indication that her previous relationship had this much impact on her. Did she ever go to therapy to deal with it? Did she also have a rough childhood? It just seem like she has no resiliency whatsoever, but it also seems like these trust issues would have been exposed earlier in the relationship. 
 

Or she was looking for a reason to break up for awhile. Either way, no contact and starting the grieving process for the end of the relationship seems like the best course of action. 

No she never gave any indication that her previous experiences were having any effect on her. I’ve always treated her with a lot of love, care and affection. Something she often said she wasn’t ever used to. I’ve got insecurities myself that came from my marriage which was toxic at times and left me feeling worthless. I spoke about these insecurities and was open about them, but she made me feel nothing but loved and cared for and gave me my self worth back. There was no change at all in how she treated me, not even in the slightest, so no hint of her looking for a way out or that. These photos have triggered something in her and made her look at me in a different light and put me in the same bracket as her previous 2 partners. The fact it was just these 2 photos that have caused this gives me a bit of hope, but maybe I’m just in denial.  

[George82]

26 minutes ago, George82 said:

No she never gave any indication that her previous experiences were having any effect on her. I’ve always treated her with a lot of love, care and affection. Something she often said she wasn’t ever used to. I’ve got insecurities myself that came from my marriage which was toxic at times and left me feeling worthless. I spoke about these insecurities and was open about them, but she made me feel nothing but loved and cared for and gave me my self worth back. There was no change at all in how she treated me, not even in the slightest, so no hint of her looking for a way out or that. These photos have triggered something in her and made her look at me in a different light and put me in the same bracket as her previous 2 partners. The fact it was just these 2 photos that have caused this gives me a bit of hope, but maybe I’m just in denial.  

I realise I never answered all your questions. She has never went to therapy, and didn’t have a rough up bringing. Her dad is a very stubborn man and has treated her mum poorly, even recently, he’s very controlling of her mum and this causes her a lot of upset recently. But she always indicated she had a happy childhood. The most traumatic events in her life were her husband cheating on her, something she expected for a while and then found out to be true. Then her last relationship being treated poorly and made to feel inadequate. I suggested that we go to counselling and speak about what’s happened and maybe speaking to a stranger and a professional would help. She’ says she doesn’t think that will help. 

[Weezy1973]

36 minutes ago, George82 said:

There was no change at all in how she treated me, not even in the slightest, so no hint of her looking for a way out or that.  

You wouldn’t be the first person that’s been blindsided by a break up. When I broke up with my first girlfriend of 6 years, she was completely blindsided however I had been mulling it over for about a year before I pulled the trigger. I’m not saying that’s the case, just saying you shouldn’t discount the possibility. It could very well be that she just is unwilling to work on her trust issues and therefore this will be an issue for the rest of her life in which case in the long run it’s better to have things end. I know it doesn’t feel like that now. 

[George82]

1 minute ago, Weezy1973 said:

You wouldn’t be the first person that’s been blindsided by a break up. When I broke up with my first girlfriend of 6 years, she was completely blindsided however I had been mulling it over for about a year before I pulled the trigger. I’m not saying that’s the case, just saying you shouldn’t discount the possibility. It could very well be that she just is unwilling to work on her trust issues and therefore this will be an issue for the rest of her life in which case in the long run it’s better to have things end. I know it doesn’t feel like that now. 

I suppose you can never rule anything out, but I really believe that she wasn’t looking for an out. If anything the last year of the relationship was the best out of the 4 and we (seemed) closer than ever. She would make an effort to spend time with me at every turn, surprise me with small gifts, we had a very healthy sex life and initiated by her as much as me. We’d just had a great week before the night she found the pics. I’m not kidding myself on, but looking at her actions and how she’s been with me then I don’t think this has been something she’s been mulling over. I think it’s down to her losing faith and trust in me, and not believing that she can get those back. She’s said she’s not sure we could get back to what we had before.  
 

The frustrating thing for myself is I’m not an untrustworthy person, I’ve never cheated on anyone in my life and I’ve never had any interest in anyone else since I first met my girlfriend. It was wrong and disrespectful of me to like those 2 photos. Outwith liking 2 pics I’ve treated her with love and respect, and put everything I have into our relationship. That was all reciprocated in return from her as well and we had something special together. 

[Alvi]

Does she know that you knew that woman for 20 years and consider her to be just a friend? Did they ever met? Is it possible that she feels jealous or  inferior to that woman particular woman? 

3 hours ago, George82 said:

I think it’s down to her losing faith and trust in me, and not believing that she can get those back. She’s said she’s not sure we could get back to what we had before.  
 

I think it is a strong overreaction on her part to be honest. Unless there are some other issues involved. Would she consider a couple's therapy if you asked her? Perhaps it maybe  a good way to discuss her feelings in a safe environment. 

How old is she? Could she be going though a menopause (or a perimenopause) and her hormones are all over the place? While what you did is not great, it is not the end of the world either. She could have talked to you and explained her feelings and boundaries in a more calm matter.

 

[George82]

45 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Does she know that you knew that woman for 20 years and consider her to be just a friend? Did they ever met? Is it possible that she feels jealous or  inferior to that woman particular woman? 

I think it is a strong overreaction on her part to be honest. Unless there are some other issues involved. Would she consider a couple's therapy if you asked her? Perhaps it maybe  a good way to discuss her feelings in a safe environment. 

How old is she? Could she be going though a menopause (or a perimenopause) and her hormones are all over the place? While what you did is not great, it is not the end of the world either. She could have talked to you and explained her feelings and boundaries in a more calm matter.

 

She’s just called again, started the conversation saying she doesn’t want to lose me. But then as it went on saying she doesn’t know how she can forget it, or why if I was happy with her I liked the 2 photos. Tried to reassure her me liking the photos was silly but in no way takes away my feelings for her, or means there was anything missing. 

She’s 37, and I’ve suggested couples therapy and she hasn’t ruled it out. I think it would help her get over this and deal with the past events that have added to her insecurities and possibly her reaction these last few days. 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, George82 said:

… I’ve suggested couples therapy and she hasn’t ruled it out. I think it would help her get over this and deal with the past events that have added to her insecurities and possibly her reaction these last few days. 

Couples therapy isn’t really the solution here, as this is really an individual problem, not a couple problem. That being said, if it’s the only way to get the relationship back on track then it is what it is.