Breakup of relationship

[Alpacalia]

16 hours ago, George82 said:

We just spoke on the phone again there, wasn’t a great call. She doesn’t see a way to fix it at all, certainly not at the moment and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. She feels betrayed and sees me in a different light now over these 2 photos. She said she’d feel like a mug for taking me back and would also feel insecure as well. We were both very upset on the call.
 

For the next while I’m stopping all contact with her as I’m just torturing myself and giving myself false hope. Everything is still raw, hopefully no contact will give her more time to reflect and change her mind. I think it’s maybe too late though. 

The impression is that she has a great deal of insecurity inside and this is what is apparent in her behavior.

It's not uncommon (or at least understandable) for a boyfriend to show interest in another's photos and react with inferiority/self-consciousness/slight. It's because of this that social media stinks. It isn't typical, though, to flip your lid and dump someone with whom you have a good relationship with for the past several years.

When thinking about jealousy, the most prominent thought that usually comes to mind is "Wow, this person is really attractive." In other words, the feeling of jealousy is derived because of feelings of inadequacy because “why would my boyfriend find someone else attractive if they have me?”

You're told her how you feel and put your side. And by all means, you've apologize to her, but one or two sincere apologies are enough. 

She broke up with you because she felt like she wasn’t good enough, your actions and behavior clearly made her feel like you didn’t truly love her the ways she was.

Give her space for, say, three or four weeks. If she does not get in touch, then accept it is over and start to move on.

[George82]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

The impression is that she has a great deal of insecurity inside and this is what is apparent in her behavior.

It's not uncommon (or at least understandable) for a boyfriend to show interest in another's photos and react with inferiority/self-consciousness/slight. It's because of this that social media stinks. It isn't typical, though, to flip your lid and dump someone with whom you have a good relationship with for the past several years.

When thinking about jealousy, the most prominent thought that usually comes to mind is "Wow, this person is really attractive." In other words, the feeling of jealousy is derived because of feelings of inadequacy because “why would my boyfriend find someone else attractive if they have me?”

You're told her how you feel and put your side. And by all means, you've apologize to her, but one or two sincere apologies are enough. 

She broke up with you because she felt like she wasn’t good enough, your actions and behavior clearly made her feel like you didn’t truly love her the ways she was.

Give her space for, say, three or four weeks. If she does not get in touch, then accept it is over and start to move on.

She called me again last night and was in tears saying she doesn’t want to lose me, we talked a bit and still not really much further forward but it was a better call. She said she still trusts me, so that’s something. I said at the beginning these phone calls are giving me false hope, and really messing with my emotions. Before the call ended I said I really hope this isn’t you giving me false hope again, to which she responded it wasn’t. I think deep down she doesn’t want this to be over, it’s all still very raw for her though. It’s still horrible kind of being in limbo myself though, not 100 percent knowing if she wants to fix it or is just struggling to let go. 
 

 

I appreciate all your support and opinions on here. It’s been the worst few days of my life, it’s been a help just to speak with folk about it on here. 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, George82 said:

. It’s still horrible kind of being in limbo myself though, not 100 percent knowing if she wants to fix it or is just struggling to let go. 

Unfortunately, while she's still upset and crying on your shoulder, that fact remains that she dropped your stuff off and blocked you in the beginning.

Do not suggest therapy. Yes, she's calling you but you are pressuring her for answers she won't give you.

Try to step back and give her room to breathe and process rather than push and convincing her to reconcile.

 

[George82]

42 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately, while she's still upset and crying on your shoulder, that fact remains that she dropped your stuff off and blocked you in the beginning.

Do not suggest therapy. Yes, she's calling you but you are pressuring her for answers she won't give you.

Try to step back and give her room to breathe and process rather than push and convincing her to reconcile.

 

She called again this morning, and we tried to avoid going over and over the same points. Which we did for the most part. I’m not trying to convince her anymore as I can’t say anymore than I’ve already said. 
She did say again that she doesn’t want to lose me, and that she does want to fix but isn’t sure how we do that. I don’t know how we do it either, other than just give it time. 

[glows]

She has to make up her mind on whether to let this go, not let it bother her and grow as a couple. I agree - no need to do any further convincing. 

As painful as this is I hope you also see this takes two. I admire your commitment to her but at some point please also remind yourself that it takes two to tango and she needs to demonstrate a bit more faith or commitment in you. Or, leave. It’s entirely respectable and acceptable that you both walk away from this as well instead of dragging this out in further misery.

Edited January 10, 2023 by glows

[basil67]

3 hours ago, S2B said:

You tell her she needs to do counseling long term to deal with her insecurity/jealousy issues.

if she won’t - then end it. Stop bowing down to her jealousy over almost nothing! 

Indeed.  By listening to all her processing, you're reinforcing her behaviour.   I think it's time to start looking after yourself here.

 In the grand scheme of things, liking two photos is nothing.  What you did wasn't terrible and you shouldn't be beating yourself up over it.  Nor should you allow her to beat you up over it or put you on guilt trips.   There really needs to come a point where you start to protect yourself from her behaviour.  

[George82]

16 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Indeed.  By listening to all her processing, you're reinforcing her behaviour.   I think it's time to start looking after yourself here.

 In the grand scheme of things, liking two photos is nothing.  What you did wasn't terrible and you shouldn't be beating yourself up over it.  Nor should you allow her to beat you up over it or put you on guilt trips.   There really needs to come a point where you start to protect yourself from her behaviour.  

I think I’m done to be honest. Had a good phone call tonight, actually 2. The call going pretty well and not going over the same stuff again and again. The photos cropped up again unfortunately, although not in the same manner as being discussed before. I said the girls name in the photo, that set her off, she hung up then sent a couple of angry messages. I don’t know how much more of this I can take to be honest. 

[Alpacalia]

It is impossible to be with someone who will never fully trust you and who will not even consider an apology.

A person's right to accept or reject an apology is their own. However, it is not their right to make you walk on eggshells for the rest of your existence. At that point, it is a form of psychological abuse and you need to leave.

Without her being able to articulate what she needs to feel safe with you again, your chances of succeeding in this situation are slim.

[George82]

Just said to her I can’t take anymore of this. She either believes and trusts me or she doesn’t. Asked her not to string me along anymore too, she either wants to be with me or she doesn’t. 

[glows]

8 hours ago, George82 said:

Just said to her I can’t take anymore of this. She either believes and trusts me or she doesn’t. Asked her not to string me along anymore too, she either wants to be with me or she doesn’t. 

She may not realize she’s stringing you along if she’s paralyzed or gripped by her own issues. 

Best to choose what is best for yourself and decide for yourself what you’d like to do. You alone break out of it if it’s not for you.

[George82]

On 1/11/2023 at 8:00 AM, glows said:

She may not realize she’s stringing you along if she’s paralyzed or gripped by her own issues. 

Best to choose what is best for yourself and decide for yourself what you’d like to do. You alone break out of it if it’s not for you.

Hey, just a wee update. I felt it best to take a break from talking about it as I was driving myself mad. 
 

We are talking more and taking small steps in the right direction. We went a walk yesterday and it was nice, however when we got back to hers it turned sour as we started going over the same things. She says she wants to forgive me but isn’t sure how she can shake how’s she’s feeling. I hope in time that will change. I can’t apologise anymore or reassure her anymore than I have. Just not sure how we move forward if she can’t get over it, I’m hoping time will heal these wounds I’m not so sure though. I guess it is still early and the hurt she’s feeling is still raw. I’m not pushing anything and leaving her to deal with things in her own time and space. 

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, George82 said:

I’m not pushing anything and leaving her to deal with things in her own time and space. 

Not quite.

You're both regurgitating the same thing over and over.

Her conflict is not a simple case of talking about it and resolving it because you can’t use reason or logic to disarm her and put her mind at ease.

Start deflecting her accusations with indifference and a “who cares” attitude. Because right now all you're doing is traveling down a dead end road.

Tell her that you've both already talked about this. You did it. You apologized. If she can’t let it go, then tell her you'll have to let her go.

[George82]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

Not quite.

You're both regurgitating the same thing over and over.

Her conflict is not a simple case of talking about it and resolving it because you can’t use reason or logic to disarm her and put her mind at ease.

Start deflecting her accusations with indifference and a “who cares” attitude. Because right now all you're doing is traveling down a dead end road.

Tell her that you've both already talked about this. You did it. You apologized. If she can’t let it go, then tell her you'll have to let her go.

It’s making me feel like I’ve actually cheated on her, I keep having to remind myself of the reason we’re in this position. I’ve got my kids staying the next 4 nights, so my plan is to put this on the back burner just now and leave her to think things over the weekend. Then see where we are after that. I totally get you can’t just flick a switch and change how you feel, so if she can’t move on from it, then it’s never going to work. I really believe she’ll regret it, as 2 random likes that meant nothing at all are not worth throwing away 4 years over. The most frustrating thing for myself is that her opinion of me has changed after seeing them, and I’m not the person she thinks I am. I’m not sure how I prove to her she’s wrong and it hurts that’s what she thinks of me as I’ve always been totally devoted to her and shown her that. 

[Alpacalia]

5 minutes ago, George82 said:

It’s making me feel like I’ve actually cheated on her, I keep having to remind myself of the reason we’re in this position. I’ve got my kids staying the next 4 nights, so my plan is to put this on the back burner just now and leave her to think things over the weekend. Then see where we are after that. I totally get you can’t just flick a switch and change how you feel, so if she can’t move on from it, then it’s never going to work. I really believe she’ll regret it, as 2 random likes that meant nothing at all are not worth throwing away 4 years over. The most frustrating thing for myself is that her opinion of me has changed after seeing them, and I’m not the person she thinks I am. I’m not sure how I prove to her she’s wrong and it hurts that’s what she thinks of me as I’ve always been totally devoted to her and shown her that. 

You're emotionally exhausted. Please, for your own sanity, start disengaging and lay down some rules for yourself. You're not going to win this battle, I assure you.

[George82]

29 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

You're emotionally exhausted. Please, for your own sanity, start disengaging and lay down some rules for yourself. You're not going to win this battle, I assure you.

Yeah I’m absolutely done in over it all, I’ve lost almost 1 stone in a week. I can’t believe the effect I’m letting it have on me. I think because it was just so out of the blue and unexpected, especially after the Christmas we’d just had together. 

[glows]

No, you can’t change how you feel but you can change your actions and also control the amount of time you spend thinking about her.

Do you have other commitments aside from your kids? Are they falling by the wayside? House repairs? Work? Hanging out with friends? 

Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom and feeling lousy to realize that you actually have it pretty good and it’s about time you change and start using this life for enjoyment rather than misery and despair. We can’t change how others process situations or life in general. Some are distrustful, others pessimistic, sometimes rude. You can’t change that she’s all or any of these things. What you can do is start recognizing what’s important to you instead of passively going on the train ride that is already a train wreck.

[George82]

1 hour ago, glows said:

No, you can’t change how you feel but you can change your actions and also control the amount of time you spend thinking about her.

Do you have other commitments aside from your kids? Are they falling by the wayside? House repairs? Work? Hanging out with friends? 

Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom and feeling lousy to realize that you actually have it pretty good and it’s about time you change and start using this life for enjoyment rather than misery and despair. We can’t change how others process situations or life in general. Some are distrustful, others pessimistic, sometimes rude. You can’t change that she’s all or any of these things. What you can do is start recognizing what’s important to you instead of passively going on the train ride that is already a train wreck.

I think this was the post I needed to read right now. We’re still talking on the phone once a day, and last couple of conversation have avoided going over old ground. I’m just not sure how much longer she wants to drag this out for. 
 

I’ve got my kids until Tuesday now so they will keep me occupied, and generally see them or at least one of them most days of the week. I’m off work just now until 27th January, and been lucky with a new job that I start the end of February. Which I haven’t really celebrated because of everything that’s been going on. I plan to celebrate with family tomorrow, then I’ve made plans to meet up with some friends through the week. 
 

My partner, my ex I don’t know what to call her still hasn’t told anyone yet which I find strange. Don’t get me wrong, outwith my mum, sister, a close work friend and you wonderful guys on here. I’ve not been sharing it with anyone myself. I just find it strange she hasn’t told someone, even just to vent. All the venting has been saved for me unfortunately 

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, George82 said:

All the venting has been saved for me unfortunately 

So, why insist on putting yourself in her line of fire?

[George82]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

So, why insist on putting yourself in her line of fire?

Good question, I don’t intend to keep putting myself through the wringer. I kind of wish she’d speak to someone else and they might give her a different perspective on things. Or they could validate her, who knows. 🤷🏻‍♂️

[Alpacalia]

34 minutes ago, George82 said:

Good question, I don’t intend to keep putting myself through the wringer.

I'm really glad to hear you say that.

If you had a teenage daughter (not sure how old your children are) and she was in your shoes, what do you think you would do?

Would you encourage her to stay or leave?

How would you feel knowing she is now physically ill losing weight over it?

My hope for you is that you really start to see the gravity of this and take the necessary steps to disentangle yourself.

No one here can do that for you.

Edited January 13, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

44 minutes ago, George82 said:

 . All the venting has been saved for me unfortunately 

You're in a tough spot because the breakup was rather sudden, abrupt and disproportionate to the situation.

At some point you'll have to stop letting her dangle the carrot and stick of reconciliation in order to keep beating you up over this.

I too suspect that this tsunami of pain she is venting about is some of her past being unleashed on you.

Try to step back and limit how much "venting" you're willing to put up with.

Edited January 13, 2023 by Wiseman2

[George82]

24 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I'm really glad to hear you say that.

If you had a teenage daughter (not sure how old your children are) and she was in your shoes, what do you think you would do?

Would you encourage her to stay or leave?

How would you feel knowing she is now physically ill losing weight over it?

My hope for you is that you really start to see the gravity of this and take the necessary steps to disentangle yourself.

No one here can do that for you.

Yeah you’re 100 percent right, it’s just messed with my head like nothing else I’ve known before. The longer it’s going I’m questioning whether I’ll feel the same if and when we do reconcile. 

[George82]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're in a tough spot because the breakup was rather sudden, abrupt and disproportionate to the situation.

At some point you'll have to stop letting her dangle the carrot and stick of reconciliation in order to keep beating you up over this.

I too suspect that this tsunami of pain she is venting about is some of her past being unleashed on you.

Try to step back and limit how much "venting" you're willing to put up with.

I do believe her being triggered like this has been the result of her 2 previous relationships, and how she was treated. Both of those were a lot worse than this. She accused me of being just the same as her exes when she first discovered the 2 photos. When I brought it up a few days later and hinted about past events, she got straight on the defensive and said the past has nothing to do with this. I don’t believe that to be true. I really do think counselling would help us both and help her with past trauma. She isn’t against it, but says it would be a last resort. 

[Acacia98]

George82, if she needs time to get over what happened and not feel like a chump for forgiving you, I'm not sure how daily talks are going to allow her to do that. I also think you risk slipping into the patterns of your former relationship, where your ex mistreated you. 

She seems to need time to figure stuff out. So you should give her all the time in the world she needs to figure stuff out. And then when she makes her decision, she can reach out to you. Until then, keep communication to the bare minimum: stuff concerning the kids.

For now, she can allow her mind to go in a million different directions if that's what she needs to do. But you should not accompany her on that rollercoaster. When she finally makes her decision, she can tell you what it is. If she wants to reconcile and you're on the same page, you can work on that together. If she wants to reconcile and you've decided otherwise, well, that's an adjustment she'll have to make. And if she doesn't want to reconcile, you guys can do what you need to do to formally end the relationship.

You would probably benefit from some individual counselling (if it's within your reach) during this difficult time.

 

 

[George82]

2 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

George82, if she needs time to get over what happened and not feel like a chump for forgiving you, I'm not sure how daily talks are going to allow her to do that. I also think you risk slipping into the patterns of your former relationship, where your ex mistreated you. 

She seems to need time to figure stuff out. So you should give her all the time in the world she needs to figure stuff out. And then when she makes her decision, she can reach out to you. Until then, keep communication to the bare minimum: stuff concerning the kids.

For now, she can allow her mind to go in a million different directions if that's what she needs to do. But you should not accompany her on that rollercoaster. When she finally makes her decision, she can tell you what it is. If she wants to reconcile and you're on the same page, you can work on that together. If she wants to reconcile and you've decided otherwise, well, that's an adjustment she'll have to make. And if she doesn't want to reconcile, you guys can do what you need to do to formally end the relationship.

You would probably benefit from some individual counselling (if it's within your reach) during this difficult time.

 

 

I know in her mind she’s got me where she wants me, she’s in total control. I spent my marriage walking on eggshells, and I don’t want to end up in another relationship like that.  It was horrible, I stuck it out for as long as I could for the kids, I wish I’d have left a lot sooner in hindsight. 
 

like I said I’ve got the kids next few days so they will get my full attention and see how my ex is feeling after the weekend. If it’s still this scenario and she’s still in the same mindset, then I think for my own sanity I just need to give up on us and begin to move on myself. 
 

I do feel like reaching out to someone with expertise in this field. I’ve taken a lot from you guys on here and it’s been a big help listening to others points of view and the support from all has been greatly appreciated.