How do I win back the love of my life after a messy break up (infidelity)

[Dan JC]

hi all

Dan (37) & Sadaf (34) together 4.5 years, living together for most of that time after the first 6 months. We’ve been in Berlin the last 2.5 years on and off and difficulties began approximately a year ago with my testing the boundaries of the relationship by on a few occasions giving other women attention when we would go out to clubs. Sadly and inevitably drugs are big factor in this whole situation.  Berlin is a free and open place that upholds the importance of sexual freedom and I should say that since I was 18 I have been single for less than a year, with one relationship beginning as another ends almost continuously for 18+ years, and these last years are my first time living outside of the UK.

The drug use when we went out was normal (ecstasy K coke etc) but my insistence on using hash chocolate, which I believed helped me to connect with people, possibly made me a little too open and carefree (is that a thing?) and led to my giving other women attention, causing big arguments and even threatened to break us up, but we worked through it together.

Last summer we took a 3 month road trip around the US, towards the end when Sadaf was back in London & me still on the road, we broke up suddenly after she caught me messaging someone else on instagram. I never met with this person and was alone on the road and wanting to meet people. I found this to be an extreme reaction, we then had 4 sessions with a relationship counsellor and agreed to carry on.

We are often split between Berlin and London and during the 2-3 months she was there in autumn last year, I was pretty lonely in Berlin and slipped into a cycle of going out partying / clubbing a lot, developing a dependency on a particular substance, GHB, and I was unfaithful on a number of occasions (kissing etc). On one occasion I slept with someone a few times over the course of a week. I’m no longer in contact with this person / any of the others and there was no emotional affair here, this was purely physical desire for another human(s) and I didn't / don't want out of the relationship.  The timing was especially bad as during these months back in London Sadaf's brother's mental health had again deteriorated and this led to him being sectioned. 

This all came out a few weeks before xmas and we are effectively broken up with seemingly little chance to save it although this is what I would like and believe strongly in the power of forgiveness although acknowledge it’s too soon for this. Couples counselling is for sure the only way forward for us and currently she won't agree to it, having previously been ok with the idea over xmas after it happened.

So the big question for me is, what can I do to get her to see that there is more to this situation than betrayal and her own hurt? Which there is. I am not challenging her feelings and maybe she needs more time to process in her own way before feeling ready for counselling, but she says things like I need time on my own, and that I (me) need to work on myself (true) and she doesn't want to be around for that.  I recognise fully that my problems caused this chaos and I'm ready to do everything that I need to to be healthier person for myself and for the relationship.

She also takes issue with me blaming drugs for what happened, and I take responsibility for my actions but the fact remains that without drugs and this drug in particular GHB, which makes you very loose, suggestible and open, none of this would have happened.

I would mention that I have previous when it comes to being unfaithful, twice in a relationship that ended 6 years ago. Back then it was because I wanted out of the relationship but couldn’t act on it. I would say my motivations for being unfaithful this time were different.  I know there are distinctions to be made about being a cheater (someone who always cheats) and someone who has cheated, I think I am in the middle somewhere here.

I think important to note for people not familiar with a partying lifestyle, this is a conscious choice on both our parts and has been part of our lives for years.  We have regular jobs and we often go out together taking the same drugs.. but this is very different life to 2.5 kids and a house etc

ALSO.. before this all came out, she cheated on me by kissing a guy she has known for years when she was at the club without me, an old flame shall we say, that she had never explored possibilities with.  so there was a real emotional component to her cheating and we had spoken about my issues with him being around.

Other than the recent chaos we generally have a strong, loving and supportive relationship, spending most of our time together.   We have a great deal of love for each other still but it’s a very difficult situation.  We are currently living separately in Berlin and contact is at a minimum.

Any advice or thoughts welcome

Dan

Edited January 7, 2023 by Dan JC

[basil67]

There's nothing you can do to make her see this as something other than betrayal and hurt.   You chose to use substances and made bad decisions while under the influence.  No different to having killed someone in a car accident while drunk, sleeping with someone else is all on you.

[Dan JC]

That's true in a way, I can't help her to see, but if we can get to the point of seeing a counsellor, they can help us to process this hurt and betrayal and possibly move past it.  Its not uncommon for people to go through this kind of thing and build a better, stronger relationship as a result of the problems.  This is from podcasts I have listened to from respected love and relationships experts.

The substance issue is all on me no doubt, and as you said yourself, you don't make the best decisions for yourself when under the influence

Edited January 7, 2023 by Dan JC

[Acacia98]

I'm probably not the best person to advise you on your situation as I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around all the boundary pushing.

But I want to suggest that you remove the identifying information from your first post (or ask the moderators to help with that) if those are your real names and ages. 

[Dan JC]

sure, why though ? I would need a moderator to help with that I think.  also have no problem with it being there

[Acacia98]

Perhaps you're okay with it, but the love of your life may not be.

[JTSW]

There are no excuses for cheating.

You chose to take drugs and you chose to sleep with other women.

She may have been able to eventually forgive if it was just a one off, but it wasn't.

You went out there and betrayed her numerous times over and over with numerous women.

You honestly disgust me.

She will never take you back for this. 

If you love and respect her then leave her alone. 

You've done too much damage already. 

You are so deluded too, you need therapy for yourself to see the mess you caused.

[JTSW]

On 1/7/2023 at 12:41 PM, Dan JC said:

sure, why though ? I would need a moderator to help with that I think.  also have no problem with it being there

Do you think she would want you using her real name on here for millions of people around the world to see?

People can look up your names and possibly find you both.

You clearly don't use you brain very often do you.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 1/7/2023 at 12:55 PM, Dan JC said:

Its not uncommon for people to go through this kind of thing and build a better, stronger relationship as a result of the problems.

Eh, that's what the desperate  would like to believe. But it's even common for this kind of thing to destroy relationships. 

Confirmation bias is real, OP. 

[LynneVicious]

A counselor can’t help you not to cheat. By your own admission, you’re a serial cheater. And it seems you’re blame shifting and minimizing and doing everything but acknowledge that your poor choices led you to this situation. 

You’re not a safe partner. You’ve shown her that. Why would she agree to counseling when the problem is your own choices? There may have been problems in your relationship, but cheating is not a solution. Communication, better choices and trust is part of the solution. Couples counseling won’t fix this. Individual counseling, however can help you. 

You should leave your girlfriend alone for now and work on you so you can be a safe partner in the future