Dating a partner with BPD. Guidance needed

[Alpacalia]

Foxsake, why so devoted to someone you've met once and so willing to take on so much for?

Please take some time to really think about that for yourself.

[ExpatInItaly]

This a train wreck right across the board, Fox. 

You don’t know this woman on any significant level if you have met only one time. But what you do know is not good, at all. 

End this and spend some time reflecting on why you got invested so fast to someone who clearly has a boatload of issues. You’ve got some inner work to do there. 

[shellzbellz83]

Agree with everything that has been posted. OP, you seem like a very kind person, and I wish the best for you -- better than this. 

[Calmandfocused]

Oh Fox 

My heart goes out to you. But I’m going to be honest with you: 

My view is to that you have been love bombed, manipulated and hooked by a cluster B personality disorder. You’ve been presented with someone amazing, whose everything you want, makes you feel how you want to feel and ….

It’s starting to hit you that none of it is real. And you’re right.  I’m sorry ☹️.

You’ve only just got on the rollercoaster. You’re already experiencing the highs and the lows…

Get off the rollercoaster now. It’s about to pick up speed at which point you will not be able to get off. Protect yourself first and foremost. 

[BrinnM]

This sounds problematic, to say the least. First: You’re almost 40, while she isn’t even 25 yet, if I’m doing the math correctly, so in addition to her mental health issues, there’s probably some compatibility issues due to the age difference. As you can tell, she’s still in partying mode, hanging around in bars and drinking with strangers. All of this combined with the distance will most likely not lead to a mutually satisfying romantic relationship.

Those 10 days that you’re going to spend together will.be.interesting. I hope it all goes well, and I hope you’ll keep us posted, because I’m certain that you’ll learn more about her that you will find quite hard to deal with. I’m not generally a naysayer, but if she does drugs (really?) and puts herself in other dangerous situations (heavy drinking in random bars etc.), I don’t really see what attracts you to her. It’s only been three months and you’ve met in person once - how are you already so enamored? 
You stayed single on purpose - seven years! - to take your time and find the right person. This can’t be it!

[Fox Sake]

Okay…so I’ve had some time to process my roller coaster of emotions. That was a crazy night. 
 

I ignored all the red flags because she *seemed* to be just like me. It was amazing being able to talk about things,  but what really got me was her level of emotional maturity. Maybe she was just reflecting me tho in those moments …and I was too blind to see. Red flags- They have been screaming at me recently. Any time anyone in this thread points one out , I cringe that I decided to overlook it or think it could be addressed. 
 

I’ve come to realise that either way, this is all kind of ruined now anyways. 1 of her 3 Personalities is the same as mine. I don’t see it often enough now to warrant doing this any more and I can’t stand being treated coldly, it totally makes me run. 
 

I’ve been very good at staying single for the last 7 years. I’ve avoided all sorts of crazy people and enjoyed being alone. I didn’t plan any of this it just happened totally out of control. Had so much good perceived but not proofed and I got caught up. 
 

“you’re nearly 40” ….yeah but I look about 30 and still think I’m 26 at times, No kids, never married. Baby face,  no grey hair , good skin and a cheeky smile. I’m rocking it while I can. I’m also pretty immature for my age (apart from my emotional side). I don’t mind the age gap , there’s usually been one,  but I do mind how I’m being treated.  She wasn’t as mature as she made herself out to be and I should have known better! 
 

 

Edited January 8, 2023 by Fox Sake
Format

[BrinnM]

Okay, good conclusion. What are your plans now? Have you spoken to her since? Is she still coming to visit?

[Fox Sake]

5 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

Okay, good conclusion. What are your plans now? Have you spoken to her since? Is she still coming to visit?

Hardly spoke at all, I offered to so I could find out whether she was still coming but she’s still in a foul mood , slept all day and being ice cold to me. So I told her I can take the hint, hate the coldness cos it stings and to take care of herself. I don’t think at this point she’s still coming, I’ve kind of accepted that after the frostiness today 

Edited January 8, 2023 by Fox Sake
Spelling

[poppyfields]

Hey Fox, something I've noticed is that since I've known you and reading your posts, all the women you've been involved with lived a long distance away.  

Is there a reason you prefer long distance?  Are there not local women who appeal to you who you can date?

I invite you to read my (and everyone's) posts in a thread entitled "Distance" currently running, it's right under your thread I believe.

My advice to the other poster and now to you is, moving forward try and avoid the on-line long distance trap. 

Such interactions/relationships can be very much fantasy-driven and once it's time to actually meet in person, one or both begin pushing back, distancing themselves or flaking.

Or if/when they do meet and begin spending real time together away from phone or computer, the reality is never as exciting or compelling as the fantasy.

Seen it happen too often to dismiss it. 

In any event, I'm sorry things didn't work out, and all the best in 2023! 

Edited January 8, 2023 by poppyfields

[Calmandfocused]

Her showing a side to her personality that is exactly like you is a process called “mirroring”. It’a a classic manipulation strategy that’s designed to hook the other person.
 

The receiver then unwittingly perceives that they and the other person share exactly the same values. They may even start to believe they’ve found their soul mate. 
 

No! It’s manipulation. Pure and simple. 
 

FS you’re a good looking guy and you seem to have many good qualities. Why are you trying to date women who live abroad?
 

Why don’t you put yourself out there locally? Surely there are some local women to date? You seem like a catch! 
 

Know your value and you’ll be just fine. 

[Alpacalia]

I'm not sure how she manipulated you. Seems she has been forthcoming with her mental health issues and drug use. 

Why are you purchasing books to help her with her mental health issues?

If you proceed with this that's on you.

[Fox Sake]

On 1/8/2023 at 11:50 PM, Alpacalia said:

I'm not sure how she manipulated you. Seems she has been forthcoming with her mental health issues and drug use. 

Why are you purchasing books to help her with her mental health issues?

If you proceed with this that's on you.

The book wasn’t to help her - it was to help me understand it how to deal or navigate it with someone who does have it. It’s not my place to try and fix anyone.
I don’t feel I have that hard shell for all the rejection in that kind of relationship and I end up withdrawing because if it. I would love to say it’s for me but without something major changing I don’t see that happening, unfortunately. The outbursts and twisting of conversation are zapping me. It’s like Jekyll &Hyde. Not the girl I got to know.  I’m really quite heartbroken about it to be honest. 

[Fox Sake]

On 1/8/2023 at 8:12 PM, poppyfields said:

Hey Fox, something I've noticed is that since I've known you and reading your posts, all the women you've been involved with lived a long distance away.  

Is there a reason you prefer long distance?  Are there not local women who appeal to you who you can date?

I invite you to read my (and everyone's) posts in a thread entitled "Distance" currently running, it's right under your thread I believe.

My advice to the other poster and now to you is, moving forward try and avoid the on-line long distance trap. 

Such interactions/relationships can be very much fantasy-driven and once it's time to actually meet in person, one or both begin pushing back, distancing themselves or flaking.

Or if/when they do meet and begin spending real time together away from phone or computer, the reality is never as exciting or compelling as the fantasy.

Seen it happen too often to dismiss it. 

In any event, I'm sorry things didn't work out, and all the best in 2023! 

Local women… Nah ah! Find one without a kid- rare. Find one that’s attractive and no kid and not totally stuck up herself? - very rare. Honestly it’s like a heard mentality.  I also am not a fan of the local accent or the attitude. Online is the only way really. I’ve had a lot of success with it on the whole. I think I’m destined for a more exciting life to be honest.
 

I like building up the communication with long distance. It builds the strongest foundations cos it’s all you have , so you both have to be excellent at it, show vulnerability, compassion and humility for it to survive and flourish. Unfortunately most people don’t have the skills. It’s a numbers game I guess , I don’t want to settle. I want that feeling … 

[Fox Sake]

On 1/8/2023 at 8:25 PM, Calmandfocused said:

Her showing a side to her personality that is exactly like you is a process called “mirroring”. It’a a classic manipulation strategy that’s designed to hook the other person.
 

The receiver then unwittingly perceives that they and the other person share exactly the same values. They may even start to believe they’ve found their soul mate. 
 

No! It’s manipulation. Pure and simple. 
 

FS you’re a good looking guy and you seem to have many good qualities. Why are you trying to date women who live abroad?
 

Why don’t you put yourself out there locally? Surely there are some local women to date? You seem like a catch! 
 

Know your value and you’ll be just fine. 

She has shown traits of being manipulative but only in an argument. In that instance tho you mention it was basically misleading rather than manipulating me because she’s been downright mean and distant recently if I ever try and talk about how I feel. So it was mirroring most probably at that time. It’s all or nothing for borderline people and everything is black and white. 

She’s been awful to me today and I said we should stop communicating. She’s not the girl I got to know and I deserve to be loved every day, not just when it suits

thank you tho! 😊

[poppyfields]

36 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

I like building up the communication with long distance. It builds the strongest foundations cos it’s all you have , so you both have to be excellent at it, show vulnerability, compassion and humility for it to survive and flourish. Unfortunately most people don’t have the skills. It’s a numbers game I guess , I don’t want to settle. I want that feeling … 

I have never heard it described that way and it actually sounds quite beautiful! 

However, as you have discovered, and she's not the first,  people can create whatever façade they want on-line and that façade can be, and often is, disingenuous and fake.

But you won't know that because it's all you've got, you haven't "seen" their true selves, in person, you just see what they have chosen to show you on line.

Which again is often a façade as I have discovered and now as you have.

If I recall your threads correctly, this isn't your first rodeo, you've been disappointed and hurt by your on-line flings before.

I am NOT judging you, I myself have fallen quite hard for a man on line many moons ago.  And yes it can be intoxicating and create intense emotion.

However, over the years since,  I came to discover his persona was all a façade, he has many in fact.  He has actually admitted it.

Re local women, I find it hard to believe all the local women (or closer than a 1.5 hour flight) are as unappealing as you say; consider the possibility that YOU simply prefer on line, (1) for the distance it creates and thus the fantasy - the feeling and (2) she won't cramp your style whatever your style may be by wanting to spend real time together.

Again, not judging you foxy.  Just some things to consider, that's all.

 

 

 

  

Edited January 10, 2023 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

She’s not the girl I got to know and I deserve to be loved every day, not just when it suits

Referencing my previous post re the façades people can create on line, there ya go...  all in a matter of a few months.

Bolded  -  of course you do!

 

Edited January 10, 2023 by poppyfields

[Weezy1973]

43 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

 I think I’m destined for a more exciting life to be honest.
 

So go do it. I used to be in middle management and had a lot of 20 something’s working for me. Most were smart, educated, but didn’t have much ambition. They seemed to want life to happen to them rather than drive their own lives. I used to give what I now call my “Harry Potter” speech about how in the real world you can’t just wait under the stairs until the adventure comes and grabs you. 
 

If you don’t like the women where you live, go to where the women you like are. There was a poster on here who used to complain all the time about the men where she lived. How she didn’t fit in with the culture. So she decided to move. And that was her last post. Usually people stop posting when they aren’t struggling anymore. Moving seemed to have worked.

Edited January 10, 2023 by Weezy1973

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Fox Sake said:

The book wasn’t to help her - it was to help me understand it how to deal or navigate it with someone who does have it. It’s not my place to try and fix anyone.
I don’t feel I have that hard shell for all the rejection in that kind of relationship and I end up withdrawing because if it. I would love to say it’s for me but without something major changing I don’t see that happening, unfortunately. The outbursts and twisting of conversation are zapping me. It’s like Jekyll &Hyde. Not the girl I got to know.  I’m really quite heartbroken about it to be honest. 

Well...

There's a lot of book recommendations around these neck of the woods.

Not something you need to be doing.

Why so heartbroken? You've met her once Foxsake.

Perhaps it's more upset by what it represented and it is more of a loss for you? I've been heartbroken over a short relationship so I certainly get that in can feel that way.

I am glad you have self respect for yourself. You will draw someone into your life eventually who will respect you and who is good for you.

 

Edited January 10, 2023 by Alpacalia

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

he book wasn’t to help her - it was to help me understand it how to deal or navigate it with someone who does have it

Think about this: when you're buying books about how to deal with someone else's mental health issues after meeting only once, what does that tell you about the person you are dating, and your own over-investment? 

5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Why so heartbroken? You've met her once Foxsake.

I was thinking the same. You don't know this woman very well, Fox. I get that you are disappointed, but heartbroken? I think in your excitement, you lost perspective. You talked her for a few months, yes, but you have spent almost no quality, offline time with her. In the future, I would strongly caution you to avoid buildling up so many expectations when you don't yet have the in-person experience with the woman to back it up. 

[poppyfields]

@Fox Sakehow are you feeling?

I hope you will return and update. 

[Fox Sake]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Think about this: when you're buying books about how to deal with someone else's mental health issues after meeting only once, what does that tell you about the person you are dating, and your own over-investment? 

I was thinking the same. You don't know this woman very well, Fox. I get that you are disappointed, but heartbroken? I think in your excitement, you lost perspective. You talked her for a few months, yes, but you have spent almost no quality, offline time with her. In the future, I would strongly caution you to avoid buildling up so many expectations when you don't yet have the in-person experience with the woman to back it up. 

Okay here goes -

I probably have a lot of my own issues that make this difficult to deal with. Sometimes I wish I had a tin heart and wasn’t such a sensitive empath. My ADD (adhd) doesn’t help.
I fall so hard, so fast when I meet someone I like that feels the same and things are ‘even’. it’s rare tho. Only happened a handful of times I’ve felt like that. Honestly I’m tearing myself apart to try and find out why I’m like this.
     I already figured I have abandonment issues from childhood, which fill me with pain when someone I like pushes me away. 
 

I know now this isn’t for me. I don’t like being treated this way. I’m finding it hard tho because in my mind it’s like “don’t give up” but all that’s doing is making me feel worse and allowing her to grind me down. 
It’s been AWFUL since my first post. She flipped the last few days and is poisonous towards me, twisting everything around. She lost all her compassion and communication. Mocked me for buying that book. I’m drained. The hardest part I’m finding is being painted in a colour that is not mine. 

She screamed at me and lastnight and started tearing my character down, because I apologised for getting insecure that evening and proceeded to explain what led to me feeling like that. Apparently all she wanted was an apology and zero explanation or reflection on why I might have felt that way . Which is not how I work. 
She sourly says -“ Don’t contact me”>>>> then today sourly says “why didn’t you contact me for the funeral” … then is still pushing away hard when I send my condolences  and said I didn’t message because I was respecting her wishes of not talking. I definitely feel like I’m being manipulated  in some way right now. Every time I let go I get s***. Every time I say to myself I’ll try one more time to settle the dust I get a new one torn  

 

 

Edited January 10, 2023 by Fox Sake

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

Okay here goes -

I probably have a lot of my own issues that make this difficult to deal with. Sometimes I wish I had a tin heart and wasn’t such a sensitive empath. My ADD (adhd) doesn’t help.
I fall so hard, so fast when I meet someone I like that feels the same and things are ‘even’. it’s rare tho. Only happened a handful of times I’ve felt like that. Honestly I’m tearing myself apart to try and find out why I’m like this.
     I already figured I have abandonment issues from childhood, which fill me with pain when someone I like pushes me away. 
 

I know now this isn’t for me. I don’t like being treated this way. I’m finding it hard tho because in my mind it’s like “don’t give up” but all that’s doing is making me feel worse and allowing her to grind me down. 
It’s been AWFUL since my first post. She flipped the last few days and is poisonous towards me, twisting everything around. She lost all her compassion and communication. Mocked me for buying that book. I’m drained. The hardest part I’m finding is being painted in a colour that is not mine. 

She screamed at me and lastnight and started tearing my character down, because I apologised for getting insecure that evening and proceeded to explain what led to me feeling like that. Apparently all she wanted was an apology and zero explanation. 
She sourly says -“ Don’t contact me”>>>> then today sourly says “why didn’t you contact me for the funeral” … then is still pushing away hard when I send my condolences  and said I didn’t message because I was respecting her wishes of not talking. I definitely feel like I’m being manipulated  in some way right now.

I'm sorry Fox.    Hugs.

Yeah that's classic BPD (Borderline) behavior.

My advice is move as far away from her and the situation as you can.  Emotionally.  

The fact this happened right before your visit is NOT a coincidence.

Edited January 10, 2023 by poppyfields

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

I definitely feel like I’m being manipulated  in some way right now. Every time I let go I get s***. Every time I say to myself I’ll try one more time to settle the dust I get a new one torn  

The only thing you can do is block her. 

She can’t assault you if you are no longer in contact. 

[Weezy1973]

Yes you’re describing someone with BPD. It will be hard until you end it. And with BPD it needs to be block, delete and absolutely no contact. The sooner you do that, the sooner you’ll begin to feel better. 

[ShyViolet]

This is becoming toxic.  Why haven't you put an end to this once and for all?  You need to cut contact for good and be done.