Dating a partner with BPD. Guidance needed

[poppyfields]

30 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Why haven't you put an end to this once and for all?  You need to cut contact for good and be done.

Agree, at this point, this^ is what your focus should be on @Fox SakeNOT her and her issues/disorder whatever she suffers from.

Good luck!

 

[Fox Sake]

I’m shattered physically and emotionally, one from work and one from this. I’m compiling reason in my head why I’m better off without this … like I know better ..seriously , I do. If I was giving advice to someone else on this I would say ‘don’t put yourself through it’  

I don’t know why I’m fighting myself over it right now. I will deal with it tho, I’m making progress as it’s kind of ruined at this point anyways. I treat others as I like to be treated , for the most part, and I just can’t put up with the nasty-ness and character assassinations on repeat. How on earth did I end up in this situation 

[Alpacalia]

Let yourself disengage for a while, Foxsake. It will pass.

The only thing that you absolutely have to do right now is go no contact.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Fox Sake said:

How on earth did I end up in this situation 

Because you haven’t enforced a healthy boundary with this woman and cut all contact. 

She’s willing to drag you through the mud as many times as you keep volunteering. 

1 hour ago, Fox Sake said:

I treat others as I like to be treated , for the most part, and I just can’t put up with the nasty-ness and character assassinations on repeat.

Well then, treat yourself as you would treat others - with kindness. Let this go. Walk away. Block her and do something nice for yourself. Call up a buddy and go for a beer. Go to the gym. Take a break. 

One of my favourite quotes - “people can’t treat you badly without your consent.” If you treat others well and you expect the same in return, YOU need to require that. You can’t control her, obviously - she is a different person. But, you certainly control whether you do/do not continue to engage with her. So, if you don’t want nastiness and character assassination on repeat - take yourself out of the line of fire. 

Edited January 10, 2023 by BaileyB

[Fox Sake]

This is probably going to sound silly , but how did I do it without causing her any further traumas? I’m split black (can do no good/all bad)  so guess I can’t really cos it’s a catch22 whatever I do…
I feel like blocking/ghosting is kind of harsh without any explanation. I then remind myself I am Split black, so what can you do. I guess maybe just blocking or ghosting is the best way it can be done…-sigh- 

 

pS - thanks for the support peeps

Edited January 10, 2023 by Fox Sake
Grammar

[poppyfields]

[ ] 

It's a few days before you were supposed to meet in person so she decided to start an argument, piss you off, create drama to avoid meeting.

Why?  She's NOT who she claims to be.   Like a large percentage of people who conduct these types of "on line" situationships.

You said you've met previously?  What were those circumstances and how much time did to spend together?

Lord this is so typical of on line; please @Fox Sake just stay away from it.

Re-locate if you have to to find better women, but these types of intense connections on line are a recipe for disaster.

It's all a fantasy!  How could it not be?

You don't know her in "real" time which is the only way to truly know someone, to "see" them for who they truly are. Up front and personal, face to face, in the flesh.

Versus what they tell you and want to show you behind a computer screen or on the other end of a phone line.

Words mean jack when not followed up by action, most people know this.  What do her actions tell you?  Those that you have seen anyway?

Again at this point, I would spend some time exploring why you allowed yourself to become so deeply entrenched in this very brief on line interaction.

I can understand being disappointed, but shattered emotionally and physically?

What would you advise another poster or a friend or family member if they were posting this?

 

 

Edited January 11, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
discussion of diagnosis

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Fox Sake said:

This is probably going to sound silly , but how did I do it without causing her any further traumas?

I think it is fairly human to try to deny or delay that move to no contact. For one, you care about her, you're worried about her, you played rescuer (or at least on the verge of it), and also in having contact with her you kept yourself stuck, in a holding pattern.

Going no contact is to focus on yourself, your own well-being, and your own life. It will put you in touch with just how much time and energy you focused on and invested in her. It is a place that will increase pain a bit more I think than even the ending of a relationship.

Be firm, be gentle, and clear that there will not be a reconciliation.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

how did I do it without causing her any further traumas?

I appreciate your concern, but you are not really helping by staying around to be her punching bag - are you? I mean, how does it help her ti drag this out and continue to engage in this drama? Would it not be more helpful to remove yourself and demonstrate to her that this is the natural consequence of her unstable and hurtful behavior - that relationships are lost? 

It always befuddles me when people stay “I don’t want to actually end this relationship because I don’t want to hurt her.” Pain with the end of any relationship is inevitable. And, sticking around such that you can both continue to breakup and makeup is equally hurtful, in my humble opinion. Better to make a clean end of it - remember, you have met this woman ONCE. She is likely to get over it and move on sooner than you may think…

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

This is probably going to sound silly , but how did I do it without causing her any further traumas?

It isn't your job to manage her mental health for her. 

Break it off respectfully. It is her responsibility to cope after that. She will probaby be upset, but then she wil be fine. It won't be the great trauma you're worrying about. 

[Acacia98]

I don't know if this will help OP, but here's an analogy for you. Trying to have a relationship with her is like jumping into the ocean with someone who wants to swim but can't swim. She cannot swim, so she panics. To avoid drowning, she will kick you and claw at you and drag you down to save herself. The outcome: you will both drown.

Removing yourself from the relationship puts an end to the whole drowning in the ocean thingy. It saves you both from the dysfunctional cycle of your being together and leaves each of you to your own devices. You will both get a chance to start out alone with your pre-existing traumas intact; you will still have your particular issues and challenges to deal with.

Here's the thing: you definitely both need to be alone to start to deal with your issues in a healthy manner. The kindest thing that you can do for her (and for yourself) in the big picture is to completely remove yourself from her life. Go no contact.

[Weezy1973]

14 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

how did I do it without causing her any further traumas?

A break up isn’t trauma. It could feel that way to her, but there’s nothing you can do about that. You don’t have to ghost her. Just say the relationship isn’t working. Keep it as short and to the point as possible. She might try to fight it, or just keep on with her nastiness. And then block her and delete her from all social media. She absolutely will try to reach you.
 

After I broke up with my BPD I blocked and deleted her and about two weeks after I got a message from her cousin (who was still on my social media) but it was clearly my ex speaking through that account. So I blocked her cousin too. A year later my ex sent me an email to my work email. Which I did not respond to. 

[poppyfields]

[ ] 

Her behavior is NOT uncommon for anyone who essentially wants out of an on-line interaction right before meeting in person. 

The withdrawal mostly and if their partner continues pushing as you're doing, simply by continuing to hang around attempting to 'understand', it can escalate to what it is now. Lashing out, angry, cruel. 

It's like someone trying to escape an enclosed space with no windows because they can't breathe. 

Seen it time and time again with such on line connections.

[ ] 

There is no reason for you to be coddling her or walking on eggshells. 

Her behavior sounds quite intentional to me, right before the scheduled in person meet for 10 days. 

Wish her well and move forward with your life is my advice. 

On the grand scale of important relationships you will.have in your life, it's pretty far down the scale.

I'm just trying to be real with you Fox.

All the best.

Edited January 11, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
discussion of diagnosis

[NuevoYorko]

[ ] 

Yes, you had a lot of FEELINGS fire up due to your initial contact with this person.  You were flying high.  But "feelings aren't facts."  Yes they are very real and important but they don't necessarily translate into nuts and bolts of real life.

If you choose to continue to indulge in your fantasies about this woman and your "relationship" (I have to quote it, since you really don't have anything established).  You can live in your head and your feelings if you choose to, but this won't translate into anything different from what you're experiencing now.   

Don't choose this.  Stand up for yourself (within yourself - this has NOTHING to do with her) and shut this down.  I mean REALLY.  No contact, and stop spinning on about her and your thoughts about her.  In fact, you don't know her.  You know enough to be clear that she's not someone you can share any kind of life with, including "friendly" contact.  So, it's time to stop.

Edited January 11, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
armchair diagnosis

[Alpacalia]

Her going on a cocaine binge should have been enough to send you running in the opposite direction. Be it a drug binge, alcohol binge, eating disorders, whatever the case may be - that is a CLEAR sign that she does not have healthy coping skills, period.

[mark clemson]

 

Quote

Dating a partner with BPD. Guidance needed

[ ] 

At the risk of repeating some of what others have said above, helping/"fixing" her isn't your job. Also it would be above your paygrade (unless you're a licensed psychologist). Lastly even if it WAS your job, you'd have to recuse yourself, since you (were trying to be) in a relationship.

 

On 1/11/2023 at 3:59 AM, Fox Sake said:

It’s been AWFUL since my first post. She flipped the last few days and is poisonous towards me, twisting everything around. She lost all her compassion and communication. Mocked me for buying that book. I’m drained. The hardest part I’m finding is being painted in a colour that is not mine. 

She screamed at me and lastnight and started tearing my character down, because I apologised for getting insecure that evening and proceeded to explain what led to me feeling like that. Apparently all she wanted was an apology and zero explanation or reflection on why I might have felt that way . Which is not how I work. 
She sourly says -“ Don’t contact me”>>>> then today sourly says “why didn’t you contact me for the funeral” … then is still pushing away hard when I send my condolences  and said I didn’t message because I was respecting her wishes of not talking. I definitely feel like I’m being manipulated  in some way right now. Every time I let go I get s***. Every time I say to myself I’ll try one more time to settle the dust I get a new one torn 

How much more do you need? One thing to be aware of - the hot/cold messes with your brain's dopamine systems, and can cause you to "yearn"/grow attached, feel excited by/hooked on the "drama" etc, etc. Part of the reasons some people stay in abusive relationships - they can feel addictive, esp. at first.

If it helps, imagine it were a good friend of yours going through the things you've been describing. I'm pretty sure your advice to them would be along the lines of "don't put up with this for even another second." Something like that. So "heed your own advice" - which it sounds like you've started to. Listening to her, trying to be sympathetic, kind, show support etc, just sucks you in again a little deeper each time for repeats/more abuse.

Edited January 11, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
discussion of diagnosis

[ShyViolet]

18 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

This is probably going to sound silly , but how did I do it without causing her any further traumas?

With all due respect, it's not your job to "not cause her any further traumas."  Every day that you choose to continue to engage and let this continue is you failing to enforce healthy boundaries for yourself.  Your responsibility now is to remove yourself from a toxic situation.  Period.  It's called the block button.  If you really can't see what the appropriate course of action is here then you are not ready to date again until you work on your issues and co-dependency.

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

 how did I do it without causing her any further traumas? 

Be kind and diplomatic and yes, impersonal. Don't bring up personalities or mental health or lifestyles. 

You have not been together much and you're long distance. Simply put it down to the distance. It's a legitimate obstacle and doesn't get into who she is as a person or debate anything about her personally. It's neutral.

[Fox Sake]

Woops… I should have read this thread before I put my big boy pants on and ended things. 
 

I just told the truth which may have been slightly insensitive but it’s the truth.

(Not ver batam) I told her Friday wasn’t a good idea. That I was sorry she was going through a lot and my heart went out to her. Explained that I can put up with a lot but I won’t put up with a partner that can be so verbally abusive, makes me feel unwanted and like the worst person in the world, making me question my own sanity. I’m not strong enough to let that kind of behaviour wash over me 

 

 

edit - she’s diagnosed borderline.

Edited January 11, 2023 by Fox Sake
Add a bit for @poppyfields

[glows]

Now that you’ve clarified she’s not welcome, block her. Don’t wait for the endless back and forth. 

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

Woops… I should have read this thread before I put my big boy pants on and ended things. 
 

I just told the truth which may have been slightly insensitive but it’s the truth.

(Not ver batam) I told her Friday wasn’t a good idea. That I was sorry she was going through a lot and my heart went out to her. Explained that I can put up with a lot but I won’t put up with a partner that can be so verbally abusive, makes me feel unwanted and like the worst person in the world, making me question my own sanity. I’m not strong enough to let that kind of behaviour wash over me 

edit - she’s diagnosed borderline.

Thank you Fox for clarifying her diagnosis.

Did she respond? 

I'm glad you were honest but wish you hadn't said what's bolded. 

Doesn't matter how strong or not strong you are (or anyone is), her behavior was abusive and unacceptable.

Period end of. 

In any event, moving on, right? HUGE lesson learned. 

Good luck Fox and all the best in 2023!  

 

Edited January 11, 2023 by poppyfields

[Fox Sake]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

Now that you’ve clarified she’s not welcome, block her. Don’t wait for the endless back and forth. 

It blindsided her. She didn’t even take it on board anything that I said at all, played the poor me card and said that I was running away and that she wouldn’t chase me because she won’t do that to someone that doesn’t want her. The irony killed me. . I just said this was her doing and she pushed me away too far. 
 

Now I’m hoping it will just faze out …..

[ExpatInItaly]

28 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

 I’m not strong enough not to let that kind of behaviour wash over me 

Fixed that for you, Fox. 

[glows]

3 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

It blindsided her. She didn’t even take it on board anything that I said at all, played the poor me card and said that I was running away and that she wouldn’t chase me because she won’t do that to someone that doesn’t want her. The irony killed me. . I just said this was her doing and she pushed me away too far. 
 

Now I’m hoping it will just faze out …..

So she did reply… ok, that’s fine. She can say what she needs to say too. Don’t respond and mute the contact so no notifications.

[poppyfields]

Just now, Fox Sake said:

It blindsided her. She didn’t even take it on board anything that I said at all, played the poor me card and said that I was running away and that she wouldn’t chase me because she won’t do that to someone that doesn’t want her. The irony killed me. . I just said this was her doing and she pushed me away too far.

I'm not surprised by this. 

I've heard that in abusive relationships, when the partner being abused pulls away or ends it, the abuser feels abandoned, acting like they're the victim!  

Yes I hope it fades out too.

Please block if you haven't done so already.

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

Now I’m hoping it will just faze out …..

"Hoping"?  It's time to take responsibility and take control of your life.  There's absolutely no reason why this drama should continue.  If you let it continue, that's a decision.