Feeling Heartbroken After 8.5 Years

[PTurner6332]

Hello. I need support - as most of us know, what we do is secretive and I have no friends to turn to.

I have been with MM for 8.5 years. We are in love (or were I guess). It started casually but over the years we bonded so much that we decided it was forever. He has two kids and despite not having a definitive plan to divorce his wife, it was assumed we would be together someday when his kids were grown and we talked about our future vacations, etc. knowing they would come about. He and his wife are strangers, she has gotten very overweight (no offense to her) and they hardly talk. But their kids are superstars and they keep the family in tact for now.

yes, she caught him twice but she doesn’t know who I am. In fact, he always told me would protect my name fiercely because he never wanted “us” to get damaged and would want to be with me forever.

2 months ago we started discussing his divorce. In about 3.5 years he would be financially ready, his kids will be at college, etc. Then 2 weeks ago he made a comment about needing to stay with her longer and I lost it. I really said things I shouldn’t have but I accused him of leading me on, told him I’m nothing but the mistress, etc. We parted ways on okay terms but he shifted dramatically.

I asked him what was up, he was cold and distant. He said we need to meet face to face. He told me that fight changed everything and that I deserve better. That the pressure and my unhappiness is too much. I wasn’t unhappy…I just said a lot I didn’t mean in the fight. He said it was too late, he needed time apart to decide if we could be together.

so me, being the strong/boundary focused woman I am said no - I wouldn’t wait while he DECIDED after 8.5 years if he wanted to be with me. I said if your feelings have changed and you’re truly uncertain, I want a clean cut.

sooooo he ended it. Told me it is all too damaged and we are done for good. When I asked if we will ever see each other again he said “maybe we will bump into each other around town someday. Or if you drink too much and need a ride home, call me.” (I don’t even drink) So he was 100% emotionally out at that point which is SO shocking and I am crushed. 

was it the pressure of his future divorce? Is this normal for a MM to freak out and disconnect emotionally?? Will he regret this and come crying back? I’m lost without my best friend. All help is appreciated.

Edited January 9, 2023 by PTurner6332
Wording

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, PTurner6332 said:

 I accused him of leading me on, told him I’m nothing but the mistress, etc. 

Sorry this is happening. Perhaps you did the right thing telling him you know what's going on. You didn't "accuse" him of leading you on you confronted him with the truth.

Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Anything you say to a healthcare provider is confidential and not judged. So you do have someone to talk to. Part of the problem with affairs is the secrecy and isolation.

You could also address whatever issues allowed you to go down this long dark road.

[BaileyB]

I’m very sorry to hear this, you must be feeling so many things right now. 

I had two thoughts when reading your post - first, this is all just so typical of so many affairs. And, eight and a half years is an incredibly long time to spend waiting on a man in a dead end relationship. 

52 minutes ago, PTurner6332 said:

I asked him what was up, he was cold and distant. He told me that fight changed everything. He said it was too late, he needed time apart to decide if we could be together.

This, to me, is the conflict avoidant man’s way of ending his long term affair - shifting the blame to you. The fight changed everything. It’s too late to go back. It’s too damaged. And then, the self serving - “ you deserve more…” as if that somehow makes it more forgivable - he is doing this for your best interest, how magnanimous of him. 

Please, he had no problem with the fact that you put your life on pause for eight and a half years - and he had no problem asking you to wait another three and a half years - that’s not a man who is concerned about your best interest. 

The truth is, people end marriages and find other relationships every single day and the kids adapt and survive. If he really wanted to be with you, he could have left long ago… the fact that he didn’t, tells you something. 

52 minutes ago, PTurner6332 said:

so me, being the strong/boundary focused woman I am said no - I wouldn’t wait while he DECIDED after 8.5 years if he wanted to be with me.

Kindly, a woman with strong boundaries would not have waited eight and a half years for this MM to end his marriage. But, good for you for not tolerating this for one more day. 

52 minutes ago, PTurner6332 said:

was it the pressure of his future divorce?

I don’t believe that the thought of divorce was anything more than a lovely fantasy for him.

Unfortunately, you failed to realize that this man was in no position to be making future plans with you. 

 

Edited January 9, 2023 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

52 minutes ago, PTurner6332 said:

Then 2 weeks ago he made a comment about needing to stay with her longer and I lost it. I really said things I shouldn’t have but I accused him of leading me on, told him I’m nothing but the mistress, etc.

Don't be sorry about what you said to him because it was the truth.  I hate to tell you this but he never had any intentions of leaving his wife for you.  As you can see being fat and not communicating doesn't stop him from wanting to stay with her.  (I'm still trying to figure out what her weight has to do with their communication).  He was just waiting for something to happen between you 2 so he could make a break because he knew time was up.   I'm sorry this happened to you and you wasted 8.5 years of your life you could have given to a man you had a future with.  If you are struggling too much, a good therapist will be helpful.

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Don't be sorry about what you said to him because it was the truth. 

No, don’t ever be sorry because it absolutely was the truth. It was long past time to have an honest discussion - if anything, be grateful that he finally told you the truth in such a way that you could not longer deny that he ever had any intention of leaving. You are now free to go on and find someone who does want to share his life with you.

[S2B]

Stay strong for YOUR best interest.

he certainly is ONLY looking out for what works for HIM… meaning two helpings - while you don’t even get half a person.

he isn’t going to divorce! This is what he is conveying to you in a strong way.

he fine as long as you expect NOTHING from him as he doesn’t expect anything to change! He wants to stay married ABD have an OW.

so be glad you did push a bit more than usual. Now you know. He isn’t leaving her. All his lies were future faking to keep you right where you were = waiting and waiting.

block him. Block him every way he could possibly reach you! And tell him IF he reaches out YOU will be telling his wife as soon as he reaches out! She does deserve to know what jerk she is married to!

[PTurner6332]

You are all tremendously helpful!! I feel liberated and supported reading these messages.❤️❤️ THANK YOU! I am blocking him and never going back. What a fool I was and such a waste of my 30’s!! 

[BrinnM]

5 hours ago, PTurner6332 said:

was it the pressure of his future divorce?

Yes. He’s too afraid to divorce, he doesn’t want the pressure, plus, after 8.5 years, you’re not the shiny new object that you used to be during the first half of your affair. You’ve had your fair share of arguments, and he probably recognizes now that every relationship becomes somewhat routine at some point, so he can just as well stay with his wife. Or, as an alternative, if he’s attractive enough, find other lovers to replace you.

Moreover, with the argument that you “caused” (in quotation marks, because I’m by no means blaming you) about his reluctance to divorce, you also played into his hands quite nicely. It gave him an easy out and he saved face to some extent, because now he can say that it was you who was unhappy, it is you who deserves better, and it has always been you who couldn’t deal with the situation. You gave him the perfect opportunity, without even knowing it, to wipe his hands clean. 
 

I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope you’ll get over it quickly, but I fear that the disappointment and the pain will stay with you for quite some time. ❤️❤️

Edited January 9, 2023 by BrinnM

[S2B]

Start dating available men!

after a first date - verify they are available! Many say they are single but in reality they are married!

 

[JTSW]

On 1/9/2023 at 6:04 PM, PTurner6332 said:

he made a comment about needing to stay with her longer

 Classic MM response. They NEVER leave their wives. 

It's been 8 and a half years. If he wanted to be with you he would've done so years ago.

On 1/9/2023 at 6:04 PM, PTurner6332 said:

the pressure and my unhappiness is too much. I wasn’t unhappy

He bails at the first sign of pressure but projects it onto you.

This doesn't surprise me in the slightest.

On 1/9/2023 at 6:04 PM, PTurner6332 said:

I’m nothing but the mistress

I'm afraid that's all you ever have been to him.

He always knew the right things to say to keep you invested, but now he has realised he can't fob you off with his excuses any longer.

[Noproblem]

On 1/9/2023 at 5:44 PM, PTurner6332 said:

You are all tremendously helpful!! I feel liberated and supported reading these messages.❤️❤️ THANK YOU! I am blocking him and never going back. What a fool I was and such a waste of my 30’s!! 

well, you can always find a new best friend who is not married in your 40's, not all is lost!

don't think about it as a waste, it was fun while it lasted.

Now you are  ready for someone else who doesn't lead you on, you are smarter, stronger and you know what you want and you'll get it.

Don't ever dwell on the past, just let it go and move on.

Please, please, don't return back to this man, he will definitely waste your 40's if you take him back!

Like someone else said- verify any new man is not married or seperated - they have to be single, widowed, or divorced, don't accept any other status.

 

 

Edited January 14, 2023 by Noproblem

[glows]

I should hope you never run into him again or need him as a drunk taxi. How rude. You might have hit a nerve saying what you did in your disagreement. 

Shut the door on this firmly and just walk away. And don’t hang onto that anger and regret too long or carry it onto future relationships. Be confident in your decision and start actually living your life the way you’ve always intended. 

[pepperbird2]

I know no woman in a affair wants to hear this, but the way he’s treating  his wife shows how he values people., especially his romantic partners. It’s not just the cheating, which is bad enough, but also how he run s her down behind her back. He’s cheating, and he thinks she’s the one in the wrong?

Really think about that. You may not line her, you may even hate her, but does she deserve to be treated like this? My guess is “no” , but he does it to her anyway. What makes you think he’d treat you any differently? 

 

Edited January 14, 2023 by pepperbird2

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

I know no woman in a affair wants to hear this, but the way he’s treating  his wife shows how he values people., especially his romantic partners.

I completely agree, but I think OW are often so deep in affair fog that they aren’t thinking about it objectively. Other women believe wholeheartedly that he is a good man, making the sacrifice for the best interest of his wife/family. OW sacrifices for MM, MM sacrifices for wife/family -

Many will try to spin it such that the decision to stay in his marital home is interpreted as a good thing! What a good, strong, caring, self sacrificing man…and someday, he will be mine. Thankfully, OP has seen the light after eight and a half years that this isn’t really in anyone’s best interest (except maybe his). He has no plan to change this dynamic - as was said above, he would have her waste her 40’s if she lefts him… And the wife - apparently living her own life, oblivious to it all. 

Edited January 14, 2023 by BaileyB

[Syd8]

Hello. Sorry to hear about how you're feeling. Been there, done that. I was the other man for several years. There were promises of her divorcing and leaving everything to come be with me, but that never happened. It never happens, they never leave and we are left with nothing but heartbreak. It's been over a decade since it all ended for me and I'm still dealing with the fallout. I hope you can move on. We both deserve better. Hope this helps a little.