Ended situationship because I had to not because I wanted to. Not coping very well

[hurtingheart12]

I've ended an on-off situationship after 12 months but despite it being my choice i'm hurting so badly. Almost like i'm the one who has been dumped. 

It's been complicated from the start. We were friends a long time ago when I was in a (abusive) relationship with his friend and there was a spark even then. 

Fast forward 10 years i'm married but not happy, and he appears on Facebook out of the blue. I added him and so started a 2.5 year emotional affair - just over texts but it accumulated me and my husband seperating 3 times - the third and final time being a year ago. Then me and this guy met in Jan 2022 and have been seeing each other ever since. To this day my ex husband has no idea about him. 

I'm not going to pretend it has been perfect with him, far from it but ultimately we have a huge connection, the chemistry is electric and there's a spark that i'm not sure i've ever had before, or ever will again. We have lots in common but the same fiery temperament which has taken it's toll at times. Aside from all this what's been an issue is the complete undefining nature of the relationship.

He doesn't like that I am still technically married, i've sold my house and waiting to move. Have a teenage daughter doing her GCSE's, He works abroad a lot working for a pretty famous DJ which I also struggle with. Considering he is still technically single. He is living with his mum having also recently sold his house so doesn't have his own place. To me though, if you  truly want someone these things shouldn't matter. Or am I being naïve? 

He maintains he's all about me. He's not interested in anyone else and says he could be the perfect guy for me. Then in the next breath says he is not "cut out for a relationship". Doesn't think he can see himself in one and that he is too independent? He says this doesn't mean he doesn't envisage us together in the future? But that just feels like a total contradiction. 

We spent xmas and new year together and it's coming up to a year of seeing him and i became really distant with him. Trying to figure out what the hell we are doing. I've since said I can't do it anymore. Texts have been limited and he then randomly messaged me on FB yesterday, despite us not even being friends on there! I find myself constantly looking at my phone, waiting for a text from him telling me he doesn't want to lose me and he wants to try. i know I need to distance myself but it's so incredibly hard after almost 4 years of talking every day. All the memories going through my head, it's so painful. 
Everything reminds me of him. I can't listen to music as there's always some lyric that strikes a chord and I cry. I can't function and just stare at my phone waiting for a glimmer of hope that I'm doubtful will ever appear. 

I guess i'm just venting but I sit here in hope that someone can tell me, creating this distance will help him see what he's lost. Has anyone experienced this? I'm lost at what to do. Today will be my first day of starting NC

Edited January 10, 2023 by hurtingheart12

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, hurtingheart12 said:

 I sit here in hope that someone can tell me, creating this distance will help him see what he's lost. 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately there are a lot of obstacles from his traveling profession to living with his mother to his objection to your marital status.

Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. You're married and he travels a lot.

It's doubtful that a brief period of no contact will change his mind, since it doesn't address the fundamental issues.

Perhaps while in the throes of divorce it seemed like a warm place to be for a while. However it doesn't seem to have the potential to go anywhere but occasional comfort.

[hurtingheart12]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately there are a lot of obstacles from his traveling profession to living with his mother to his objection to your marital status.

Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. You're married and he travels a lot.

It's doubtful that a brief period of no contact will change his mind, since it doesn't address the fundamental issues.

Perhaps while in the throes of divorce it seemed like a warm place to be for a while. However it doesn't seem to have the potential to go anywhere but occasional comfort.

Thanks for your reply. I think fundamentally I know this, deep down. It just hurts so much.  

[ExpatInItaly]

It doesn’t look like this is going to be one of those rare, successful affair-turned-relationship stories.

Your best bet is to stay single for a while and process the end of your marriage. Separating three times and cheating indicates you have some very unhealthy patterns that you need to resolve. This man is a symptom of all that and chosen from a place of emotional turmoil and dysfunction. It was doomed to fail. 

When you’ve healed and done the inner work you need to do, you’ll be a in a better place to choose a viable partner and enjoy a healthy relationship. It just won’t be with this man.

 

[hurtingheart12]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It doesn’t look like this is going to be one of those rare, successful affair-turned-relationship stories.

Your best bet is to stay single for a while and process the end of your marriage. Separating three times and cheating indicates you have some very unhealthy patterns that you need to resolve. This man is a symptom of all that and chosen from a place of emotional turmoil and dysfunction. It was doomed to fail. 

When you’ve healed and done the inner work you need to do, you’ll be a in a better place to choose a viable partner and enjoy a healthy relationship. It just won’t be with this man.

 

Whilst harsh I can agree with some aspects of what you're saying. I do have quite a few unresolved issues and the anxiety of this none relationship is heightening some deep attachment issues. Thanks for your perspective 

[S2B]

Why not get your divorce finalized?

for the mind - it’s useful to get one thing finished so the mind is more clear about moving forward.

it seems this whole scenario is all garbled up - how soon can you finalize your divorce?

[glows]

I don’t see compatibility in terms of lifestyle and you seem to have an issue with his profession. Why not be interested in other men?

You’re separated and I would hope in process of filing for divorce. Not everyone believes in filing and can continue to live separate indefinitely. It’s not something I can relate to but it certainly happens and is acceptable and works for some. Do you intend to divorce your husband at all? 

Why did you choose to cheat on your spouse instead of simply ending the marriage? It’s from the kettle to the frying pan - one unhealthy situation to another. I’m not surprised if this guy sees that and is hesitant to put all his hopes on you. Reverse the situation for a minute - would you trust being with someone like you?

It’s possible to have electric chemistry with anyone, not uncommon or very unique. All it takes is desire and attraction - be careful you’re not putting this romance on a pedestal as you could just as easily find it with someone else. I don’t know how many times I’ve been mindblown and then met someone else equally charismatic with great chemistry. There are many people out there to date and enjoy your time with. Try not to have tunnel vision with this guy.

If he tells you at any point he’s not cut out for a relationship then believe him. Inconsistency is a red flag. If you’re looking for peace and stability start with yourself and figuring out what you’re doing with your marriage and where you see yourself. This man might not fit with the plans you have for yourself either moving forward. 

 

[hurtingheart12]

17 hours ago, S2B said:

Why not get your divorce finalized?

for the mind - it’s useful to get one thing finished so the mind is more clear about moving forward.

it seems this whole scenario is all garbled up - how soon can you finalize your divorce?

Yeah I fully intend to get a divorce but we are waiting until the house I have is sold and the assets are shared accordingly. That's the only reason. 

[hurtingheart12]

17 hours ago, glows said:

Do you intend to divorce your husband at all? 

Yeah I just need to wait until the sale of my house goes through. 

 

17 hours ago, glows said:

Why did you choose to cheat on your spouse instead of simply ending the marriage?

Albeit I admit it was wrong, I split with my husband 2 weeks after meeting up with this guy. Obviously the emotional aspect went on for way longer and I feel terrible. I was confused and unhappy and I know I was totally out of order. My husband became very focussed on other things as soon as we got married and it felt as though I was living with a lodger. We tried to work on it but deep down I knew we had to split up. 

 

17 hours ago, glows said:

Reverse the situation for a minute - would you trust being with someone like you?

I totally get that and I have asked him and approached him with that exact question. He assures me he does trust me. If anything it's me who has the trust issues from things I haven't resolved in my past. 

 

17 hours ago, glows said:

If he tells you at any point he’s not cut out for a relationship then believe him. Inconsistency is a red flag. If you’re looking for peace and stability start with yourself and figuring out what you’re doing with your marriage and where you see yourself. This man might not fit with the plans you have for yourself either moving forward. 

I keep reminding myself of this he is inconsistent and goes from seeing a future with me to telling me he's not cut out for it. You're right in that peace and stability needs to come from within, I appreciate that advice. 

Edited January 11, 2023 by hurtingheart12

[glows]

I would never ask someone if they trust me. A distrustful person would not tell you the truth.

You have to see it through someone’s actions. Feel it in you. If you have to ask in the first place it’s not there. You keep thinking you’re the problem and yes, to some degree but this man is not the man if you’ve got to ask something like that.

He sounds like he has some work to do with himself too (not sure what he wants).

[hurtingheart12]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

I would never ask someone if they trust me. A distrustful person would not tell you the truth.

You have to see it through someone’s actions. Feel it in you. If you have to ask in the first place it’s not there. You keep thinking you’re the problem and yes, to some degree but this man is not the man if you’ve got to ask something like that.

He sounds like he has some work to do with himself too (not sure what he wants).

I don't think it's unreasonable to have asked him that, considering the nature of how we got together. 

[glows]

6 minutes ago, hurtingheart12 said:

I don't think it's unreasonable to have asked him that, considering the nature of how we got together. 

Not sure I’d put much weight on what he says in light of everything here. You both have nothing, if you don’t mind me being blunt. No relationship or future and he’s not certain about what he wants. You’re not even divorced. You’re asking a guy who is the “other man” in an affair whether he trusts you. He doesn’t even know himself apparently and doesn’t appear to choose healthy relationships either. Why would you take his word about whether he trusts you? This part doesn’t make sense.

Some part may see a future with you but when he actually thinks about it, he draws back. Just follow his actions. If there’s nothing definitive or sure about them, don’t waste your time.

You are much better off as mentioned earlier focusing on finalizing the divorce and meeting available men. Try not to get down about the past years knowing him. Start over and make better decisions for yourself - who you date etc.

[JTSW]

So it's been almost a year and still not exclusivity.

It doesn't look like he is ever likely you commit to you I'm afraid. 

You did the right calling it quits. 

You may have a connection but he is fickle.

Take some time for just you for a while. 

[hurtingheart12]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Not sure I’d put much weight on what he says in light of everything here. You both have nothing, if you don’t mind me being blunt. No relationship or future and he’s not certain about what he wants. You’re not even divorced. You’re asking a guy who is the “other man” in an affair whether he trusts you. He doesn’t even know himself apparently and doesn’t appear to choose healthy relationships either. Why would you take his word about whether he trusts you? This part doesn’t make sense.

Some part may see a future with you but when he actually thinks about it, he draws back. Just follow his actions. If there’s nothing definitive or sure about them, don’t waste your time.

You are much better off as mentioned earlier focusing on finalizing the divorce and meeting available men. Try not to get down about the past years knowing him. Start over and make better decisions for yourself - who you date etc.

He says he does trust me but whether he means that i'm not sure. Neither of us made a conscious decision to do this. When we met we realised how much of a spark there still was and this clouded everything and neither of us seem to be able to rationalise the future. 
He maintains he doesn't want it to end and can envisage a future with me but also can't be what I want and isn't sure how he'd  ever have a relationship. 
So i'm left very confused as he's so contradictory. Nothing he says is making sense to me. 

[hurtingheart12]

2 minutes ago, JTSW said:

So it's been almost a year and still not exclusivity.

It doesn't look like he is ever likely you commit to you I'm afraid. 

You did the right calling it quits. 

You may have a connection but he is fickle.

Take some time for just you for a while. 

We are exclusive. We aren't dating or seeing other people but my fear is we will never be fully committed despite the things he says. 

[Agent M]

I think it is confusing as well. I do know people who have left a marriage for someone else and stayed with them, so it's not strange from that aspect, to me. He is giving you mixed messages - I don't think he knows what he wants right now. Can you stand dating other people? If you were able to back off and put him more in the friend or dating category, then you could get some distance for a better take on the situation. I think he is more the one that cannot be trusted - no fault of his, but maybe where he is in his life right now. I wouldn't take it personally, really. For you, sometimes it is too hard to get distance and you must be completely free of the other person before things straighten out, but if you like him this much, maybe you should just tell him the unadulterated truth. I've hung in there with these types of situations and they didn't work out too well. But, I didn't face the truth about how I felt myself, which was uncomfortable - I felt uncomfortable with the other person because of their behavior. Maybe you could write it all down to help yourself grasp the situation better. Honor yourself and how you feel, your own self worth. Take a look at your marriage and what went wrong, look for patterns and see if there is any commonality with the new relationship. It can be dangerous to martyr yourself. It sounds like you're trying really hard - is he?

[BrinnM]

It could be that he might be the type of guy who gets cold feet when things get serious. In your case, everything went swimmingly, until you met in person, fell in love, and your marriage ended. Everything changed! He may have not anticipated that. And he may be who he says he is: somebody who doesn’t know how to be in a relationship, which seems congruent with his lifestyle (not having a home, living with his mom, nor having many responsibilities, plus working internationally and so forth). 
 

But: At the same time you say you’re exclusive. Which is fine. I believe you. So my question is - what would you like to change? You have a teenage daughter, so I’m assuming you don’t necessarily want to move in with him, or? You just got out of a marriage (probably with the child’s father), so I think you should be there for your teenager first and foremost. So if we look at the situation from that perspective, I think the way you guys are conducting your relationship right now is not necessarily the dumbest choice. Also - he himself might not want to move in with a teenager whose parents just got divorced. Which is smart on his part!

I don’t know if I would’ve broken up with him and gone NC like that, I would’ve just focused on what’s urgent - finalize divorce, sell house, raise kid, set up kid for success so she can move out. And then you guys can figure out where and how to live, and how to continue your relationship. That would’ve been my approach; I don’t see why a breakup was necessary, unless you were extremely unhappy. I don’t think you were. You just all of a sudden did a 180 on him & wanted completely different things, and these are things that should not be given any urgency right now. You literally have bigger fish to fry at this point. Getting married or moving in together or getting engaged or whatnot (not 100% sure what you’re exactly looking for) has to be put on the back-burner for now, due to other priorities. 
 

Not sure if I’m missing something, but that’s my neutral/objective perspective. 

Edited January 26, 2023 by BrinnM

[hurtingheart12]

12 hours ago, BrinnM said:

 

I don’t know if I would’ve broken up with him and gone NC like that, I would’ve just focused on what’s urgent - finalize divorce, sell house, raise kid, set up kid for success so she can move out. And then you guys can figure out where and how to live, and how to continue your relationship. That would’ve been my approach; I don’t see why a breakup was necessary, unless you were extremely unhappy. I don’t think you were. You just all of a sudden did a 180 on him & wanted completely different things, and these are things that should not be given any urgency right now. You literally have bigger fish to fry at this point. Getting married or moving in together or getting engaged or whatnot (not 100% sure what you’re exactly looking for) has to be put on the back-burner for now, due to other priorities. 
 

Not sure if I’m missing something, but that’s my neutral/objective perspective. 

 

Thanks this really made me think 

 

“In your case, everything went swimmingly, until you met in person, fell in love, and your marriage ended. Everything changed!”

- we never told each other we loved each other 😔

[S2B]

2 hours ago, Kelton said:

There's no difference between technically married and married. Using the former term is simply a weak attempt to deflect or excuse the fact that you are in fact, married.

If you don't want to be treated as if you're married, then get unmarried.

Yep, when any person intends to get divorced - get that divorce finalized!

otherwise it looks like staying married is the priority.