My boyfriend slept with two guys while we were on a break for three weeks

[Madison]

We were together six years. I needed some space because a lot was going on at the time. We agreed to take a break from the relationship. Three weeks later we got back together. We were talking and he said he had two one night stands with two guys he met at a bar. He said he’ll never see them again  and he feels really bad. I don’t know what to do. I love him so much but it hurts to think he did this. I’m crying right now. He keeps apologizing and saying how hurt he was that we were together for a short while. He said it was just because he missed me so much. I feel like that means he didn’t really love me. He’s bisexual and I already knew this but this hurts. What should I do? 

[flitzanu]

well, you were broken up, so he didn't cheat on you.

[S2B]

Did you previously know he preferred men?

is this something you can overlook or no?

or - are you male?

Edited January 10, 2023 by S2B

[Madison]

1 minute ago, S2B said:

Did you previously know he preferred men?

is this something you can overlook or no?

or - are you male?

I knew he was bisexual. He says he likes women a little more but can’t fall in love with a guy. He said he likes sex with guys but he couldn’t fall in love with one. He can fall in love with a woman and he likes sex with women. I’m female 

[Madison]

4 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

well, you were broken up, so he didn't cheat on you.

I know but it hurts it was so fast 

[MsJayne]

I would be very wary of a partner who turns to casual sex to cope with emotional pain because it suggests a certain emptiness of the soul. You were broken up so was it really necessary for him to tell you about his encounters?  For me that would be like a constant threat hanging over the relationship, the feeling that you can be so easily replaced with casual sex partners. He sounds very insensitive and self-centered.

[Madison]

Just now, MsJayne said:

I would be very wary of a partner who turns to casual sex to cope with emotional pain because it suggests a certain emptiness of the soul. You were broken up so was it really necessary for him to tell you about his encounters?  For me that would be like a constant threat hanging over the relationship, the feeling that you can be so easily replaced with casual sex partners. He sounds very insensitive and self-centered.

Yeah that’s what worries me. Sometimes I wonder if it’s better if he wouldn’t have mentioned it or not 

[MsJayne]

3 minutes ago, Madison said:

Yeah that’s what worries me. Sometimes I wonder if it’s better if he wouldn’t have mentioned it or not 

He shouldn't have told you because it's hurtful. And he knows it's hurtful. I'd be thinking about why he feels the need to hurt people he's supposed to care for and what that tells me about him. 

[S2B]

Why not just date someone new? 

[Madison]

1 minute ago, MsJayne said:

He shouldn't have told you because it's hurtful. And he knows it's hurtful. I'd be thinking about why he feels the need to hurt people he's supposed to care for and what that tells me about him. 

Yeah I’m hurt and can’t stop crying right now 

[Madison]

6 minutes ago, S2B said:

Why not just date someone new? 

I’ve thought about it but I love him so much 

[MsJayne]

1 minute ago, Madison said:

Yeah I’m hurt and can’t stop crying right now 

You can't think clearly about it while you're so upset, but when your head clears a little maybe try to step outside of the situation and think about what advice you'd give to a good friend if it was happening to them. A person who knowingly hurts you doesn't love you, and a person who doesn't realise their actions are hurtful is, at best, emotionally immature, at worst, cruel and manipulative. 

[Madison]

8 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

You can't think clearly about it while you're so upset, but when your head clears a little maybe try to step outside of the situation and think about what advice you'd give to a good friend if it was happening to them. A person who knowingly hurts you doesn't love you, and a person who doesn't realise their actions are hurtful is, at best, emotionally immature, at worst, cruel and manipulative. 

Thank you, I’ll take some time to think about it 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Madison said:

He said he likes sex with guys but he couldn’t fall in love with one. He can fall in love with a woman and he likes sex with women. I’m female 

I understand that a woman cannot compete with the sex men have with each other.  It's funny that he said he did it because he missed you but yet chose men to have sex with.

[Madison]

28 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I understand that a woman cannot compete with the sex men have with each other.  It's funny that he said he did it because he missed you but yet chose men to have sex with.

He said he hadn’t but with a guy in years and wasn’t wanting to fall in love so he just went for guys because he wanted sex

[NuevoYorko]

Are your issues that lead to the 3 week breakup resolved?

[stillafool]

16 minutes ago, Madison said:

He said he hadn’t but with a guy in years and wasn’t wanting to fall in love so he just went for guys because he wanted sex

Yeah,.... good excuse.

[Madison]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

Are your issues that lead to the 3 week breakup resolved?

Yes they have been but I must say it took me awhile to forgive him 

[mark clemson]

Keep in mind "drive" for men is different and many have a strong ability to "compartmentalize", so these ONS's mignt indeed not mean that much to him, emotionally speaking.

That said, if him being bi is an issue for you it seems like the writing's on the wall.

[Madison]

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Keep in mind "drive" for men is different and many have a strong ability to "compartmentalize", so these ONS's mignt indeed not mean that much to him, emotionally speaking.

That said, if him being bi is an issue for you it seems like the writing's on the wall.

Him being bi isn’t, it’s the one night stands that are and make me feel like he didn’t love me 

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, Madison said:

Him being bi isn’t, it’s the one night stands that are and make me feel like he didn’t love me 

But weren't you broken up?

[Madison]

11 minutes ago, stillafool said:

But weren't you broken up?

Yeah but it wasn’t that long after we broke up and the idea of him being with someone else when we were thinking about getting back together hurts

[Wiseman2]

On 1/10/2023 at 2:15 PM, Madison said:

. He’s bisexual and I already knew this but this hurts. What should I do? 

Unfortunately this situation seems like something to reflect on from the standpoint of his go-to activity when things get tough. 

It would be a good idea to get tested for STDs because of this incident and because this may only be the tip of the iceberg as far as his extracurricular activities . 

[stillafool]

27 minutes ago, Madison said:

Yeah but it wasn’t that long after we broke up and the idea of him being with someone else when we were thinking about getting back together hurts

Oh well he probably had the itch for sex with men and that's why he was quick to go for it and ending up having sex twice, both times with men.  I think he's more likely to cheat on you with guys than girls.

Edited January 11, 2023 by stillafool

[Madison]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Oh well he probably had the itch for sex with men and that's why he was quick to go for it and ending up having sex twice, both times with men.  I think he's more likely to cheat on you with guys than girls.

He has cheated with a guy in the past but it was five years ago