My boyfriend slept with two guys while we were on a break for three weeks

[Madison]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately this situation seems like something to reflect on from the standpoint of his go-to activity when things get tough. 

It would be a good idea to get tested for STDs because of this incident and because this may only be the tip of the iceberg as far as his extracurricular activities . 

Should I break up with him?

[Wiseman2]

Just now, Madison said:

Should I break up with him?

He's causing you pain and hurt from the way he behaves.  Not only prior cheating but the first thing he does when you're having issues is to indulge his proclivities. 

[stillafool]

50 minutes ago, Madison said:

He has cheated with a guy in the past but it was five years ago 

Has he ever cheated on you with a woman?  You definitely need to get tested.

Edited January 11, 2023 by stillafool

[glows]

I’m pretty liberal where it comes to sex while single considering that you both were broken up. I think it probably hurts you more because it triggers a time when he did cheat on you. 

Not sure if it’s worth pursuing this one. Why did you go in a break in the first place? You mentioned going through a lot. Breaking up showed him instead how low priority he was at the time. Lots of issues with trust and security here.

[Madison]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's causing you pain and hurt from the way he behaves.  Not only prior cheating but the first thing he does when you're having issues is to indulge his proclivities. 

Yeah I know and that makes me feel terrible 

[Madison]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Has he ever cheated on you with a woman?  You definitely need to get tested.

No he hasn’t 

[Madison]

1 hour ago, glows said:

I’m pretty liberal where it comes to sex while single considering that you both were broken up. I think it probably hurts you more because it triggers a time when he did cheat on you. 

Not sure if it’s worth pursuing this one. Why did you go in a break in the first place? You mentioned going through a lot. Breaking up showed him instead how low priority he was at the time. Lots of issues with trust and security here.

We went on a break because he only recently confessed a month ago that he cheated five years ago and I needed time to think if I could forgive him for cheating. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Madison said:

We went on a break because he only recently confessed a month ago that he cheated five years 

Perhaps you made the right call taking a break.  He proved it by doing precisely what you where upset about in the first place and ran off to have casual sex 

He doesn't seem like a good risk to invest in. He's too ready willing and able to hurt you so he can pursue his other desires.

[glows]

10 hours ago, Madison said:

We went on a break because he only recently confessed a month ago that he cheated five years ago and I needed time to think if I could forgive him for cheating. 

Any reason why he would confess just recently? I’d wonder if he’s been cheating this entire time. This sounds devastating. Why did you take him back?

Get STD checked asap as he’s been with other partners. 

[JTSW]

Look, they way I see it, is he chose men because he doesn't get feelings with men.

He wasn't looking for anything meaningful, hence why he was completely honest with you about it.

You asked for the break in the relationship and I do believe he missed you and sought out comfort.

I can understand it hurts but I also believe that he does love you.

He didn't cheat.

This is just something you need to get passed if you want this relationship to continue.

 

[Madison]

7 hours ago, glows said:

Any reason why he would confess just recently? I’d wonder if he’s been cheating this entire time. This sounds devastating. Why did you take him back?

Get STD checked asap as he’s been with other partners. 

He said the guilt was too much 

[Madison]

4 hours ago, JTSW said:

Look, they way I see it, is he chose men because he doesn't get feelings with men.

He wasn't looking for anything meaningful, hence why he was completely honest with you about it.

You asked for the break in the relationship and I do believe he missed you and sought out comfort.

I can understand it hurts but I also believe that he does love you.

He didn't cheat.

This is just something you need to get passed if you want this relationship to continue.

 

He said he doesn’t love guys but likes sex with them, with women he can fall in love and enjoy sex 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Madison said:

He said he doesn’t love guys but likes sex with them, with women he can fall in love and enjoy sex 

Okay you've said that before.  Are you going to put this behind you and move on with him?

[glows]

2 hours ago, Madison said:

He said the guilt was too much 

It took him five years for the guilt of cheating on you to weigh on his conscience. He cheated five years ago. Not sure this one is a winner. 

Things to reflect on: 

1. does this person share similar values 
2. do you see any shared future
3. is there trust
4. are you stalling in other areas of life being in an on/off relationship or settling

Basically what are you doing with your life in general and does he fit. No? No need to remain with him.

 

Edited January 12, 2023 by glows

[Madison]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

Okay you've said that before.  Are you going to put this behind you and move on with him?

I don’t know if I can. It really bothers me 

[Madison]

4 hours ago, glows said:

It took him five years for the guilt of cheating on you to weigh on his conscience. He cheated five years ago. Not sure this one is a winner. 

Things to reflect on: 

1. does this person share similar values 
2. do you see any shared future
3. is there trust
4. are you stalling in other areas of life being in an on/off relationship or settling

Basically what are you doing with your life in general and does he fit. No? No need to remain with him.

 

He does fit but it makes me wonder what else he could be hiding from me if he waited this long to tell me

[JTSW]

17 hours ago, Madison said:

He said he doesn’t love guys but likes sex with them, with women he can fall in love and enjoy sex 

This is exactly my point.

He didn't want anything meaningful with anyone so he chose guys.

It didn't mean anything to him and you weren't together.

You only have two options, put it behind you or end it.

[Madison]

5 hours ago, JTSW said:

This is exactly my point.

He didn't want anything meaningful with anyone so he chose guys.

It didn't mean anything to him and you weren't together.

You only have two options, put it behind you or end it.

I love him so much and I’m not sure what I want to do

[AngryGromit]

On 1/10/2023 at 3:08 PM, MsJayne said:

... the feeling that you can be so easily replaced with casual sex partners. He sounds very insensitive and self-centered.

and casual sex usually means unprotected sex. STD, the gift that keeps on giving.  

[ExpatInItaly]

So, it is clear he enjoys sex with men. 

OP, if you two reunite, what is going to happen when the urge for sex with a man strikes again? You have just learned that he's scatched that itch a few times - once while commnitted to you, and again while broken up.  Where does that leave you if you get back together and he comes to you in a few years telling you he wants to do it again? 

[Madison]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So, it is clear he enjoys sex with men. 

OP, if you two reunite, what is going to happen when the urge for sex with a man strikes again? You have just learned that he's scatched that itch a few times - once while commnitted to you, and again while broken up.  Where does that leave you if you get back together and he comes to you in a few years telling you he wants to do it again? 

I’d have to leave him 

[glows]

On 1/12/2023 at 1:42 PM, Madison said:

He does fit but it makes me wonder what else he could be hiding from me if he waited this long to tell me

Then he doesn’t fit. Giant fail on #3. You don’t trust him and there is no trust in the relationship. I don’t think you’re thinking about this critically enough.

You’re paying attention to what you feel (“I love him so much I don’t know what I want to do”) and swept up in emotions, not fully recognizing the lack of trust in this relationship or the fact that it’s a dealbreaker. This is what kept you with him after you found out he cheated. It’s the same reason why you’re still with him now. 

Please also recognize that it’s often not always what we “want” to do but what we have to do in order to end a dysfunctional situation and move on.

Edited January 14, 2023 by glows

[Wiseman2]

On 1/13/2023 at 10:21 AM, Madison said:

I love him so much and I’m not sure what I want to do

It's understandable that you're attached and built a life together after all this time. However how happy will you be waiting for the other shoe to drop when he wants to have sex outside the relationship again?

Keep in mind after he admitted to cheating the first thing he does is goes out and does more of it (don't buy into the "we were on break" loophole) to satisfy his wants regardless of hurting you.

In fact have you considered that this confession/break was in order to step out on you again?  He's hurting you and you're both aware of it.

If he wants to indulge his sexuality outside your relationship,  let him do it on his own without harming you in the process.

Edited January 14, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Madison]

4 hours ago, glows said:

Then he doesn’t fit. Giant fail on #3. You don’t trust him and there is no trust in the relationship. I don’t think you’re thinking about this critically enough.

You’re paying attention to what you feel (“I love him so much I don’t know what I want to do”) and swept up in emotions, not fully recognizing the lack of trust in this relationship or the fact that it’s a dealbreaker. This is what kept you with him after you found out he cheated. It’s the same reason why you’re still with him now. 

Please also recognize that it’s often not always what we “want” to do but what we have to do in order to end a dysfunctional situation and move on.

Yeah you’re right I’m just filling myself at this point

[Madison]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's understandable that you're attached and built a life together after all this time. However how happy will you be waiting for the other shoe to drop when he wants to have sex outside the relationship again?

Keep in mind after he admitted to cheating the first thing he does is goes out and does more of it (don't buy into the "we were on break" loophole) to satisfy his wants regardless of hurting you.

In fact have you considered that this confession/break was in order to step out on you again?  He's hurting you and you're both aware of it.

If he wants to indulge his sexuality outside your relationship,  let him do it on his own without harming you in the process.

Now I’m wondering if that’s why it hurts so much