I messed up big time after a first date and deeply regret it

[glows]

7 hours ago, uncanny said:

Believe it or not guys, not long after Id deleted her number and unmatched her she popped on the most compatible section on the app.

Can't make this stuff up

Some things that happened here were a bit bizarre 

Doesn’t mean anything. You’re feeling raw and rejected and lonely. Again this doesn’t change anything. You have to decide what you’re doing with your life otherwise you’re stuck with the same issues finding women like her attractive but you’re too dissimilar.

[uncanny]

11 minutes ago, glows said:

Doesn’t mean anything. You’re feeling raw and rejected and lonely. Again this doesn’t change anything. You have to decide what you’re doing with your life otherwise you’re stuck with the same issues finding women like her attractive but you’re too dissimilar.

You're right. I just meant we're alike in many ways despite the difference in life stages.

I haven't decided yet, but I do realize I shouldn't have to change for someone else. Nevermind the aforementioned resentment that would develop and unmet expectations.

As someone said here, it would have probably ended in heartbreak and much worse.

It's no use pondering, but I do wish we had met years back instead of now. 

 

[glows]

Well, you did say that you wanted similar things as this person. Kids, family and so on. Time to think more realistically about how to reach those goals. They generally don’t puff out magically and takes dedicated effort and a certain mindset. Your life needs to be arranged so that you’re more likely to also attract someone wanting the same things so that those kids have some stability and don’t live in a lot of chaos or needing to move constantly. 

Getting your own place is a good start but then again if you find all of these things aren’t actually what you want that’s perfectly fine too. 

I agree about not living someone else’s dream.

[glows]

I mean this kindly - the part about being similar I think your view is too narrow. She has other priorities that are clear to her so her view is much wider, seeing incompatibility in areas that are more weighty or important to her. You seem to understand this as you’re wishing you met when you were younger. 

Your other option is dating younger women. 

[uncanny]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

I mean this kindly - the part about being similar I think your view is too narrow. She has other priorities that are clear to her so her view is much wider, seeing incompatibility in areas that are more weighty or important to her. You seem to understand this as you’re wishing you met when you were younger. 

Your other option is dating younger women. 

I meant as similar enough to get along very well but clearly not that long term taking everything into account.

Indeed. But then chances are they'd be more immature or looking to hook up. I don't do casual stuff or want that 

[glows]

Yeah, it sucks. I’d let this fade away, don’t remain in contact and when you’re feeling better date again but it’ll be a case of older/wiser now. If you can see clearly you’re dissimilar to this extent it’s likely not going to work. Try not to build a great deal of attraction and rapport with texting as it’s a false sense of intimacy.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, uncanny said:

Think you might be right. It just blows when I finally meet someone I got along with so well, get a slight taste and everything ends abruptly.

Indeed.

It's a big fart bummer.

 

[uncanny]

25 minutes ago, glows said:

Yeah, it sucks. I’d let this fade away, don’t remain in contact and when you’re feeling better date again but it’ll be a case of older/wiser now. If you can see clearly you’re dissimilar to this extent it’s likely not going to work. Try not to build a great deal of attraction and rapport with texting as it’s a false sense of intimacy.

Indeed but then she ultimately didn't want to meet again so was up to her.

Wouldn't have worked out probably. I'd be too paranoid getting tested constantly or feeling pressured I needed to change or do this or that.

The main point is she didn't want to get to know me better. Nothing I could do 

[uncanny]

Also, she barely talked to me for 2 weeks post first date. Could have asked how I was at least.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, uncanny said:

Also, she barely talked to me for 2 weeks post first date. Could have asked how I was at least.

Which was a pretty big clue that she wasn't that interested in progressing the relationship.  Sorry

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, uncanny said:

Also, she barely talked to me for 2 weeks post first date. Could have asked how I was at least.

Taking time to consider her options is something you asked her to do. She has already expressed her desires. Her goal is to settle down and have children.

Everyone has different expectations when it comes to dating and relationships. Some people enter relationships looking to explore their potential, while others intend to get married. There are those who do not intend to ever get married.

Marriage is not something you want to rush into no matter how much you might like her.

It is important that she is as discriminant about making a lifetime commitment as you are. So it's a good thing that you were upfront about your goals to avoid any future hurt feelings or accusations.

[uncanny]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Taking time to consider her options is something you asked her to do. She has already expressed her desires. Her goal is to settle down and have children.

Everyone has different expectations when it comes to dating and relationships. Some people enter relationships looking to explore their potential, while others intend to get married. There are those who do not intend to ever get married.

Marriage is not something you want to rush into no matter how much you might like her.

It is important that she is as discriminant about making a lifetime commitment as you are. So it's a good thing that you were upfront about your goals to avoid any future hurt feelings or accusations.

Still, I should have played it cool. I don't mind getting married, but kids is something I've never wanted. I don't like saying never, but then I understand why I'm a big risk in that regard. I'm not gonna say never but I do say probably never.

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, uncanny said:

Still, I should have played it cool. I don't mind getting married, but kids is something I've never wanted. I don't like saying never, but then I understand why I'm a big risk in that regard. I'm not gonna say never but I do say probably never.

Playing it cool isn't going to you over the line with a woman who wants kids and a partner.   This isn't about meeting the right woman at the wrong time.  Rather, it's about meeting a woman who's life plans are incompatible with yours. 

Edited January 12, 2023 by basil67

[uncanny]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Playing it cool isn't going to you over the line with a woman who wants kids and a partner.   This isn't about meeting the right woman at the wrong time.  Rather, it's about meeting a woman who's life plans are incompatible with yours. 

I do want a life partner, just probably not the other thing. Bummer. It's not like I'm 18 so people you connect with this way are few and in between. Personally it's happened only once so far in my life. I'm just disappointed it simply came and went.

[Alpacalia]

7 minutes ago, uncanny said:

Still, I should have played it cool. I don't mind getting married, but kids is something I've never wanted. I don't like saying never, but then I understand why I'm a big risk in that regard. I'm not gonna say never but I do say probably never.

Sure, you could have kept your cool. Also, you could have married her and say five years down the line she would have grown resentful toward you because she entered into it thinking (hoping) that you'd change your mind about having children, and when you didn't, she would resent you for that, and then the marriage might go ka-poot.

Or, perhaps your mind changed down the road after you got married about wanting children and you lived happily ever after.

There's just no way to know.

What you do know right now is that having children is just not for you.

[uncanny]

3 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Sure, you could have kept your cool. Also, you could have married her and say five years down the line she would have grown resentful toward you because she entered into it thinking (hoping) that you'd change your mind about having children, and when you didn't, she would resent you for that, and then the marriage might go ka-poot.

Or, perhaps your mind changed down the road after you got married about wanting children and you lived happily ever after.

There's just no way to know.

What you do know right now is that having children is just not for you.

That's the thing. It's just a what if cause we never got to actually talk about those things. The whole scenario was a bit odd considering it was just one date. I think her last relationship might have ended really bad and scared the off as well. You never know what people went or are going through.

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, uncanny said:

That's the thing. It's just a what if cause we never got to actually talk about those things. The whole scenario was a bit odd considering it was just one date. I think her last relationship might have ended really bad and scared the off as well. You never know what people went or are going through.

True.

Though that worm can was opened when the red flag question was asked of her from you.

[BrinnM]

Oh my God I’m so sorry, but really  -  if a woman tells you that she wants something more serious then I think that’s your signal to disappear, because you are not her guy. I could see a friendship in your future, possibly. But nothing else unfortunately. If she would entertain a romantic relationship with you because you’re sooooo different, and oh so adventurous and so unconventional compared to her and her peers, then that might be an option as well, but then be prepared for her to want to change you every single day of your life. I don’t think you want that either. 

[uncanny]

6 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

Oh my God I’m so sorry, but really  -  if a woman tells you that she wants something more serious then I think that’s your signal to disappear, because you are not her guy. I could see a friendship in your future, possibly. But nothing else unfortunately. If she would entertain a romantic relationship with you because you’re sooooo different, and oh so adventurous and so unconventional compared to her and her peers, then that might be an option as well, but then be prepared for her to want to change you every single day of your life. I don’t think you want that either. 

I wouldn't want that indeed. And don't think so. Highly unlikely she will reach out. As others said I'm probably better off just leaving it be. I did mess up but I was remorseful and tried. 

[basil67]

You didn't mess up.   With the different life stages you were at, it was never going to get off the ground anyway.  At 30yo, she knows that her fertile period isn't going to last forever and that spending time with a guy who isn't ready for what she wants wouldn't work

Edited January 12, 2023 by basil67

[BrinnM]

You didn’t mess up. You were just you.

[uncanny]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

You didn't mess up.   With the different life stages you were at, it was never going to get off the ground anyway.  At 30yo, she knows that her fertile period isn't going to last forever and that spending time with a guy who isn't ready for what she wants wouldn't work

Indeed. Hence why it would have been good to have met at another point. Now, if the heartbreak would have been worth it I don't know.

Probably not.

But it feels really good to share things with someone you've chemistry with and feel attracted to.

I think so at least. I've never experienced it.

[uncanny]

Honestly, guys. It's not so much what still bothers me is we didn't live anything romantically, but that we never even got to the getting to know more phase. Yes, it probably would have ended anyway, but these "would have, probably, likely etc" are not that easy to come to terms with. I can speculate, but truth is I don't know how I would have felt down the road or how everything would have developed.

However, i do think I was not the only one to have acted a bit impulsively.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, uncanny said:

 we never even got to the getting to know more phase. 

It doesn't seem like a blessing in disguise, but this is. She seems to have had specific criteria for a match and was resolute about that .

It's better than getting caught up or getting invested only for it to not turn out anyway. Perhaps she is someone who cuts her losses early on rather than changing her criteria to see what happens.

So in fact, although this stung a bit, there's something to glean from efficient dating to prevent burnout in the long run.

[uncanny]

Update

Hey guys. I've decided to just delete her number and not contact her again. I did invest too much emotionally to the point it affected me daily for weeks, and I don't think it's fair I don't get anything in return. I deserve someone who likes me for who I am and is willing to get to know me more. She might have been great, but if she doesn't feel the same then there's no point going back and forth with this. I do admit I am sad what I felt might have been a once in a million thing as it's so hard for me to connect with someone like I did, especially intellectually. But it is what it is, and Im not that much of a masochist to resort to breadcrumbs or false hope. Or worse, watch her date other people as I look from a distance like an idiot. I'd rather end up alone than in an unhappy situation. I do wish I hadn't met her, but I put myself out there and what happened happened. She'll go on with her life. I should do the same.

Edited January 12, 2023 by uncanny
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